Original subtitles

[ Whirring ]

[ Theme music plays ]

[ Whirring ]

Man: It's alive!

[ Thunder rumbles ]

We're in luck.

The perp left some semen in the back of her throat.

Well, you know what they say --

Sometimes the truth is hard to swallow.

Man: ♪ Ohhhh!

[ Coughing ]

♪ I'm the shampoo

♪ I'm the shampoo

♪ Rub me in your hair

♪ I make it nice and soft

♪ Not just your head

♪ Even your pubes

♪ Squirt, squirt, squirt, squirt... ♪

Man: Okay, Seth, say your line, take a bite, and smile.

Action. Just the way I like it --

flame boiled! [ Chomping ]

Cut. Back to one.

The line is "flame broiled." Okay, buddy?

Oh, and use your spit bucket.

But I like cheeseburgers.

Suit yourself. Action!

Just the way I like it --

frame broiled! [ Chomping ]

Cut. Back to one.

"Flame broiled," okay? Action.

Just the way I liked it --

flame bloiled! [ Chomping ]

Cut. Nope.

Back to one. Action.

Just the way I drike it --

drame sploiled!

Jesus! Back to one.

And action.

Hug a tray hi picret -- sprame braduffled.

Cut, cut, cut! Seth, you don't look too good.

I don't feel so good.

I told you to use your spit bucket.

Oh, my tummy hurts.

One more take.

You nail it, you get to go lie down, okay, pal?

Okay, sir. And action.

Just a hay bri spra --

[ Vomiting ]

Frame -- [Vomiting]

Blame spoiled!

Thank you for joining me for another tale

from "Seth's Acting Scrapbook."

You know what's funny?

To this day, I can't even hear the word "cheeseb--

[ Vomiting ]

Oh, damn it.

That was my favorite fake book.

How did you talk me into a sketch about freakin' cheeseb--

[ Vomiting ]

My fellow American Girl dolls, let's all share our stories.

I'll start.

I'm Molly, from Illinois and World War II.

I love dancing and ribbons.

My dad is in the Army.

I'm Samantha.

I live in New York in 1904.

I love to climb trees, and I'm very loyal.

I'm Addy Walker,

from Philadelphia during the Civil War.

I was born a slave.

[ Spits ]

My dislikes include whips,

and I like tire swings and cookies!

Uh, oh, who -- who's next?

Um, Marie Grace, you're from the South...

around the same time period as Addy.

You must have some fun stories, right?

Uh...pass.

So, pretty excited for this date.

I live with all dudes in a metal dome,

and Papa needs to play!

I don't want to be rude, Krang,

but I feel like you lied

on your Christian Mingle profile pic.

Well, might have slapped a filter on there.

Hi. We'll both have the oyster platter.

Trust me, hon -- They're so good here.

Plus, oysters make you horny.

[ Chuckles ] Wink, wink.

Jesus Christ, shellfish give me hives.

No.

[ Whispering ] Bring her the oysters.

[ Watch beeping ] Oh, what just beeped?

Maybe my baller Apple iWatch

that I got the first day it came out.

Custom color, areola b-b-brown.

Speaking of areolas, you have got some grade-A shlobes.

Oh! Me likey!

Next up, for Tuesday Night Karaoke Slam Jam,

we have Krang and Courtney singing "I Got You Babe."

Oh, did I secretly sign us up for karaoke?

I think I did.

Get on up here, Courtney.

Come on, cutie. Come on.

Here she comes, folks.

Give her a big -- Where's she going?

Attention -- There's a two-story tall, bald android man

in a handicapped spot, and it's being towed.

Oh, no! Kevin!

KITT, did someone do this to you?

Oh, this? I, uh...

I...

Fell down the stairs.

I fell down the stairs.

Yeah, you did.

♪ And now a story

♪ Of a nice blond woman

♪ Who was raising three girls by herself ♪

♪ All of them were blond, as well ♪

♪ Just like she was

♪ They were blond and alone

♪ Now here's the story

♪ Of her first husband

♪ And why he isn't in the picture ♪

♪ He died in a freak workplace accident ♪

♪ That's why he's not around

Oh, we don't need to talk about the girls' father.

♪ Their father was a scientist

♪ Working with experimental radiation ♪

♪ The core overheated, and his face exploded ♪

♪ Not his whole head, just his face ♪

Oh, my God! [ Vomits ]

♪ He did not die instantly

♪ He survived the explosion of his face ♪

♪ Imagine a human body

♪ With just a weird hole where his face was ♪

♪ Flailing around in shock

[ Vomiting ]

We were just starting to move on.

Mommy, you said Daddy died in his sleep,

dreaming of us.

No one wants to hear this part of our back story.

♪ He tripped and fell out of a plate-glass window ♪

♪ Onto a rusty fence post down below ♪

♪ He impaled his anus on that fence post ♪

♪ But he was still alive [ Laughs ]

Bobby, don't laugh at that!

♪ He could still scream even though he didn't have a face ♪

♪ The sound was absolutely chilling ♪

♪ His corpse was never, never, never found ♪

♪ Some say his screams fill the night ♪

[ Screaming ]

Aah!

[ All screaming ]

Now do my ex-wife's song.

Narrator: This is the carpenter ant.

It has made the ultimate sacrifice,

which will inspire billions of ants for centuries to come.

[ Gasps ] Look.

This must be the crypt of the pharaoh himself.

Did you know that when they mummified a body,

they pulled the brains out through the nose first?

They also took out all the major organs and kept them in jars.

[ Growls ] Aah!

What about dicks?!

What did they do to the dicks?!

Welcome to Earth!

Now, that's what I call a close encounter.

[ Grunts ] You've just been deported.

[ Grunts ] E.T., go home!

Now, stay down, because I'm running out of dope quips!

"How wude"!

Yo, did I just steal Stephanie Tanner's catchphrase

from "Full fucking House"?!

Man, I wish he'd stopped popping up

after "Welcome to Earth!"

That one was so awesome.

I've got some Earth food for you.

It's called my dick.

Not that I'd ever let you eat my dick.

Even if you paid me a trillion doll--

Well, maybe for a trillion dollars...

'cause I could get a dope-ass dick transplant

and still have $999 billion.

Alien: [ Screeches ]

[ Cash register dings ]

Let's do business.

[ Cellphone chimes ]

Guys, look what Andy's aunt

got him from Gwyneth Paltrow's website.

Say hi to Pinko!

Hello.

What are you?

I am a Swedish creativity object

designed in conjunction with free-space theory,

which encourages cognitive freedom.

For instance, your cowboy concept

restricts imaginative thinking,

whereas I am conceptually neutral.

Andy chooses what I am, not the manufacturer.

I already hate this prick.

Hey, stop that!

We're all friends here, Mr. Potato Head.

Pinko, let me be the first to welcome you and shake your hand.

How can I shake your hand?

Uh, with your hand right there.

Who said that's a hand?

Maybe I'm a magical train and that "hand" is a wheel.

Maybe I'm a candy-making machine

or a hotel for tiny clowns.

My concept will come from Andy's brain, not yours.

Whoa! No need to get upset, man.

Man? How dare you!

Maybe I'm a woman.

Maybe I'm an asexual space creature.

Andy should decide

and not be forced into your narrow, violent world view.

Violent?

We are not violent toys.

Really? What is that holster used for?

Probably not organic fruit snacks.

And I bet that laser isn't meant

for pointing to things in a classroom setting.

That is a Tyrannosaurus rex,

a.k.a. nature's perfect killer.

And you're the most frightening toy of all.

What, because of my acerbic point of view?

You keep body parts in your trunk.

You know who else did that?

Jeffrey Dahmer.

And didn't you strap a bear to the grille of a truck

to teach him a lesson?

Who are you -- the Mafia?

[ Door opens ] Hey! Shh!

Andy's coming.

I can't wait to begin growing creatively with Andy.

"I am Pinko.

You decide what I am."

[ Scoffs ] Okay, you're trash.

Hey, can someone give me a hand?

Who says these are hands?

[ Laughs ]

[ Chanting ] Death to America! Death to America!

Oh! Death to Adobe Reader Updater.

Stop popping up every three days, you needy bitch.

You are American, yes?

And you also hate Adobe Reader Update?

You're goddamn right I do.

Maybe we are not so different after all.

[ Woman vocalizing ]

[ Blows ]

[ Laughter, crowd cheering ]

Announcer: We now return to "The Brave Little Toaster."

Oh. An everything bagel?

Well, I'll certainly do my best.

Hey, I'm Huey Lewis of Huey Lewis and the News.

Everyone remembers my famous songs from "Back to the Future,"

but for unknown reasons,

one tune was left on the cutting room floor.

Here's the never-before-seen music video.

[ Up-tempo music plays ]

♪ Hey, there, Doc Brown

♪ I got lost in your time machine ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah

♪ Stuck in the '50s, and my mom's hot and 16 ♪

♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa

♪ Under the table

♪ She gives my dick a squeeze

♪ My b-b-barometer is pointing 88 degrees ♪

♪ Inside my Calvins is a ticking time bomb ♪

♪ So until that lightning strikes ♪

♪ I'll be whacking it off to my mom ♪

♪ Whacking it off to my mom

Um, I don't think I'm okay with this.

He don't want to be Oedipus Rex.

That's why he's sticking with hand-to-penis sex.

♪ He's whacking it off to my wife ♪

♪ He's whacking it off to me ♪

♪ Do the mom-whacking dance

♪ D-D-D-D-D-Do the mom-whacking dance ♪

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no!

♪ Whacking it off to my mom

♪ Whacking it off to my mom

Oh, my God.

I forgot how much this song just...

Fucking rocks!

♪ Whacking it off to my mom

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk ♪

Ba-gawk! Bawk.

I'm sorry. This check bounced.

What?!