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1
00:00:02,402 --> 00:00:04,003
[ Whirring ]
2
00:00:04,070 --> 00:00:06,039
[ Theme music plays ]
3
00:00:08,541 --> 00:00:10,511
[ Whirring ]
4
00:00:17,384 --> 00:00:18,786
Man: It's alive!
5
00:00:26,859 --> 00:00:28,828
[ Thunder rumbles ]
6
00:00:37,270 --> 00:00:39,139
♪ My little pony
7
00:00:39,205 --> 00:00:40,840
♪ My little pony
8
00:00:40,906 --> 00:00:42,541
♪ What a wonderful world
9
00:00:42,608 --> 00:00:43,676
[ Donkey brays ]
10
00:00:43,743 --> 00:00:45,679
We didn't come here
to see you dancing!
11
00:00:45,746 --> 00:00:47,079
Fuck that donkey!
12
00:00:47,146 --> 00:00:49,115
Yeah, blow your load
in her face, donkey!
13
00:00:49,182 --> 00:00:51,418
[ Jeering, laughter ]
14
00:00:51,485 --> 00:00:52,685
[ Laughing ]
15
00:00:52,752 --> 00:00:53,687
♪ My little pony
16
00:00:53,753 --> 00:00:55,354
♪ My little pony
17
00:00:55,421 --> 00:00:58,025
[ Guitar solo ]
18
00:01:01,594 --> 00:01:02,929
[ Rabbit squeaks ]
19
00:01:02,996 --> 00:01:04,931
[ Guitar solo ]
20
00:01:04,998 --> 00:01:06,933
[ Birds chirping ]
21
00:01:07,000 --> 00:01:08,301
[ Car horn honking ]
22
00:01:08,367 --> 00:01:09,535
Man:
Out of the way!
23
00:01:09,602 --> 00:01:12,204
I'm sorry.
This seat is taken.
24
00:01:12,271 --> 00:01:13,606
I was sitting
here earlier.
25
00:01:13,672 --> 00:01:16,142
I just went to get some popcorn,
and now I've returned.
26
00:01:16,209 --> 00:01:17,944
Buddy, my girlfriend
is sitting here.
27
00:01:18,011 --> 00:01:18,878
This seat is taken.
28
00:01:18,945 --> 00:01:19,946
[ Dramatic music plays ]
29
00:01:20,013 --> 00:01:22,081
Do you know who I am?
30
00:01:22,148 --> 00:01:23,249
Uh...no.
31
00:01:23,316 --> 00:01:25,018
Duh, do you know who I am?
32
00:01:25,085 --> 00:01:26,518
[ Mumbles stupidly ]
33
00:01:26,585 --> 00:01:29,656
No, I don't know who you are,
but I have a very particular --
34
00:01:29,723 --> 00:01:31,390
Shh, quiet!
35
00:01:31,456 --> 00:01:34,527
[ Whispering ]
No, I don't know who you are,
but I have a very particular --
36
00:01:34,594 --> 00:01:37,129
What?
I can't hear you.
37
00:01:37,196 --> 00:01:39,331
No, I don't know
who you are,
38
00:01:39,398 --> 00:01:41,701
but I have a very particular
set of skills --
39
00:01:41,768 --> 00:01:43,202
skills I have acquired.
40
00:01:43,269 --> 00:01:45,138
Buddy,
he said the seat's taken!
41
00:01:45,205 --> 00:01:46,272
I was sitting here!
42
00:01:46,339 --> 00:01:47,307
Will you be quiet?!
43
00:01:47,374 --> 00:01:49,308
I was sitting here!
44
00:01:49,375 --> 00:01:51,244
I'm sorry, Miss,
but that seat is taken.
45
00:01:51,311 --> 00:01:52,946
Yeah, no shit -- by me!
46
00:01:53,013 --> 00:01:54,713
Look, if you let me
sit there now,
47
00:01:54,780 --> 00:01:56,215
that will be
the end of it.
48
00:01:56,282 --> 00:01:58,518
I will not look for you.
I will not pursue you.
49
00:01:58,585 --> 00:01:59,685
But if you don't --
50
00:01:59,752 --> 00:02:00,920
Uh, is there a problem?
51
00:02:00,987 --> 00:02:02,221
This guy is bothering us.
52
00:02:02,288 --> 00:02:03,858
Come on, buddy,
find a seat.
53
00:02:06,526 --> 00:02:10,363
I will find you,
and I will kill you!
54
00:02:10,430 --> 00:02:11,865
[ Taser zapping ]
55
00:02:11,932 --> 00:02:13,566
[ Groaning ]
56
00:02:13,633 --> 00:02:15,701
[ Engine revs ]
57
00:02:15,768 --> 00:02:17,670
[ Fireworks popping ]
58
00:02:17,737 --> 00:02:20,039
We gather now to lay to rest
Evel Knievel,
59
00:02:20,106 --> 00:02:22,774
who died after a long struggle
with heart disease,
60
00:02:22,841 --> 00:02:26,245
and I'm pretty sure what we just
did with the corpse was illegal,
61
00:02:26,312 --> 00:02:28,515
but let none ever say
to us not awesome.
62
00:02:28,582 --> 00:02:30,016
[ Crying ]
63
00:02:30,083 --> 00:02:31,183
[ French accent ]
Don't cry, my dear.
64
00:02:31,250 --> 00:02:33,419
It's said the human head
remains alive
65
00:02:33,486 --> 00:02:35,655
for a brief moment
after decapitation.
66
00:02:35,722 --> 00:02:37,723
Once my head falls
into the basket,
67
00:02:37,790 --> 00:02:40,292
allow your beauty to be
the last thing I see,
68
00:02:40,359 --> 00:02:43,363
and I will bestow
one final wink upon you.
69
00:02:43,430 --> 00:02:44,732
[ All gasp ]
70
00:03:00,780 --> 00:03:03,383
I don't think
he's gonna wink.
71
00:03:03,450 --> 00:03:05,518
-Polly!
-Whoo!
72
00:03:05,585 --> 00:03:07,053
Polly, this boat
is so on fleek,
73
00:03:07,120 --> 00:03:08,855
it's fleeker than
a box of corn flakes!
74
00:03:08,922 --> 00:03:10,556
First of all,
it's not a boat.
75
00:03:10,623 --> 00:03:12,558
It's my
so-hip cruise ship!
76
00:03:12,625 --> 00:03:13,826
Whoo!
77
00:03:13,893 --> 00:03:16,195
Polly, I see lots
of accessories
78
00:03:16,262 --> 00:03:18,331
but no
navigation equipment.
79
00:03:18,398 --> 00:03:20,867
We could be dangerously
off course!
80
00:03:20,934 --> 00:03:22,569
Whoo!
81
00:03:22,636 --> 00:03:24,270
Oh, my God, you guys --
pirates!
82
00:03:24,337 --> 00:03:26,072
[ Foreign accent ]
This vessel belong to me now!
83
00:03:26,139 --> 00:03:27,575
Prepare to be boarded!
84
00:03:29,375 --> 00:03:32,444
You dare to mock me with your
smiling Western faces?!
85
00:03:32,511 --> 00:03:34,847
Stop making me self-conscious
about my English!
86
00:03:34,914 --> 00:03:37,817
I never made it past
ESL English for Pirates!
87
00:03:37,884 --> 00:03:40,119
They wanted $400
per credit hour!
88
00:03:40,186 --> 00:03:41,554
I mean, what am I
supposed to do?
89
00:03:41,621 --> 00:03:43,522
Hey, boss, you are arguing
with stickers.
90
00:03:43,589 --> 00:03:47,826
Go away, you nasty pirates,
or you'll be sorry!
91
00:03:47,893 --> 00:03:49,261
-That's right!
-You'll be sorry!
92
00:03:49,328 --> 00:03:50,930
You better not be stickers!
93
00:03:50,997 --> 00:03:52,865
They are not
stickers, boss.
94
00:03:52,932 --> 00:03:56,102
Oh, you're just a bunch of girls
and effeminate boys!
95
00:03:56,169 --> 00:03:58,138
I have no rebuttal.
96
00:03:58,205 --> 00:03:59,571
Oh, go away!
97
00:03:59,638 --> 00:04:02,607
Your stupid boat doesn't even
have any accessories!
98
00:04:02,674 --> 00:04:05,678
Yeah, yeah, we have all the
accessories we need right here!
99
00:04:05,745 --> 00:04:07,713
[ Machine-gun fire ]
100
00:04:07,780 --> 00:04:11,016
[ Laughs ]
They call those accessories?!
101
00:04:11,083 --> 00:04:13,787
I'll show them
accessories!
102
00:04:13,854 --> 00:04:15,187
[ Mechanized whirring ]
103
00:04:15,254 --> 00:04:18,858
Eat shit from
my so-hip cruise ship!
104
00:04:18,925 --> 00:04:20,826
No, boss, it's girl club!
105
00:04:20,893 --> 00:04:22,529
No, we're sinking!
106
00:04:22,596 --> 00:04:24,197
[ Bubbling ]
107
00:04:24,264 --> 00:04:27,166
Aah!
Shark B.J.!
108
00:04:27,233 --> 00:04:29,636
[ Screaming ]
109
00:04:29,703 --> 00:04:30,737
Accessories!
110
00:04:30,804 --> 00:04:32,038
Shark food!
111
00:04:32,105 --> 00:04:35,141
Um, I think we're accessories --
to murder!
112
00:04:35,208 --> 00:04:36,910
[ Laughs ]
Yeah!
113
00:04:36,977 --> 00:04:38,411
♪ Polly!
114
00:04:38,478 --> 00:04:40,079
[ Mid-tempo music plays ]
115
00:04:40,146 --> 00:04:42,415
That is so not fleek.
116
00:04:42,482 --> 00:04:45,184
Hey, baby.
117
00:04:45,251 --> 00:04:47,687
The only reason I'd kick you
out of bed
118
00:04:47,754 --> 00:04:50,089
would be to fuck
you on the floor.
119
00:04:50,156 --> 00:04:52,892
Oh, dear, no.
I have a bad hip.
120
00:04:52,959 --> 00:04:56,228
That's right --
talk dirty to me.
121
00:04:56,295 --> 00:04:58,598
Waffle Face, I hear
you're the best hitman
122
00:04:58,665 --> 00:05:01,100
this side of Atlantic City,
but I got to ask,
123
00:05:01,167 --> 00:05:03,101
how'd you get a waffle
for a face?
124
00:05:03,168 --> 00:05:06,639
Oh, well, originally,
I had a pancake for a face,
125
00:05:06,706 --> 00:05:09,675
see, until the Triads put
my head in a waffle iron!
126
00:05:09,742 --> 00:05:11,944
Ever since then --
Waffle Face!
127
00:05:12,011 --> 00:05:14,279
[ Laughs maniacally ]
Look at me, look!
128
00:05:14,346 --> 00:05:17,183
Hey, pal, if someone asks you
how you got a waffle for a face,
129
00:05:17,250 --> 00:05:19,585
I can pretty much guarantee
they ain't askin' you
130
00:05:19,652 --> 00:05:22,288
to back up to the part where
you had a pancake for a face
131
00:05:22,355 --> 00:05:23,522
and now it's a waffle.
132
00:05:23,589 --> 00:05:24,791
But that's how
it happened, hey.
133
00:05:24,858 --> 00:05:27,026
If you're gonna
make me sit here
134
00:05:27,093 --> 00:05:29,028
and ask
a follow-up question
135
00:05:29,095 --> 00:05:32,231
as to how your head went from
a human head to a pancake head
136
00:05:32,298 --> 00:05:34,366
prior to it becoming
a waffle head --
137
00:05:34,433 --> 00:05:37,504
I am gonna put a bullet between
your big-ass cartoon eyes!
138
00:05:37,571 --> 00:05:38,771
Okay, okay, okay!
139
00:05:38,838 --> 00:05:41,273
My head was flattened
by a steamroller.
140
00:05:41,340 --> 00:05:43,309
That's how it
became a pancake!
141
00:05:43,376 --> 00:05:44,110
Thank you.
142
00:05:44,177 --> 00:05:45,110
Prior to that,
143
00:05:45,177 --> 00:05:46,679
it was more of
a big coffee cake.
144
00:05:46,746 --> 00:05:47,614
[ Laughs ]
145
00:05:47,681 --> 00:05:49,049
I'll kill you!
146
00:05:49,116 --> 00:05:50,316
[ Gunfire ]
147
00:05:50,383 --> 00:05:52,017
Man: He's expected
to break the record
148
00:05:52,084 --> 00:05:53,720
for solving a Rubik's Cube
one-handed.
149
00:05:53,787 --> 00:05:55,355
[ Buzzer ]
150
00:05:55,422 --> 00:05:56,655
And he did it!
[ Cheers and applause ]
151
00:05:56,722 --> 00:05:58,791
You know, that kid is either
gonna get more pussy
152
00:05:58,858 --> 00:06:01,093
than he can handle or he'll kill
himself within a week.
153
00:06:01,160 --> 00:06:02,428
Smart money's
on the suicide.
154
00:06:02,495 --> 00:06:04,330
You know, we can always hope
for the pussy.
155
00:06:04,397 --> 00:06:06,132
But it's usually suicide.
156
00:06:06,199 --> 00:06:08,302
[ Coins clattering ]
157
00:06:11,771 --> 00:06:12,705
[ Gasps ]
158
00:06:12,772 --> 00:06:13,973
[ Poink! Poink! ]
159
00:06:14,040 --> 00:06:16,842
"Dear Diary, the school
talent show is tomorrow,
160
00:06:16,909 --> 00:06:20,112
so I spent all week writing
a stand-up comedy routine."
161
00:06:20,179 --> 00:06:22,982
I just hope Patti likes it.
162
00:06:23,049 --> 00:06:25,852
Oh, hey, baby!
Where you from -- Texas?
163
00:06:25,919 --> 00:06:28,388
Bend over and show us
your Lone Star!
164
00:06:28,455 --> 00:06:30,257
Oh!
165
00:06:30,324 --> 00:06:32,624
[ Mumbling ]
166
00:06:32,691 --> 00:06:35,829
Man: Hey, Funny!
Is your middle name Nut?
167
00:06:35,896 --> 00:06:36,662
[ Laughter ]
168
00:06:36,729 --> 00:06:38,130
Ooh!
169
00:06:38,197 --> 00:06:41,200
I mean [chuckles nervously]
bitches be crazy, huh?
170
00:06:41,267 --> 00:06:42,568
Oh!
171
00:06:42,635 --> 00:06:45,304
Kathy, sweetie,
that photo is 15 years old.
172
00:06:45,371 --> 00:06:47,873
You are ruining the integrity
of Tinder.
173
00:06:47,940 --> 00:06:49,475
[ Sighs ]
Fine, just shut up already.
174
00:06:49,542 --> 00:06:51,077
[ Camera shutter clicks ]
I look fat.
175
00:06:51,144 --> 00:06:52,678
You look beautiful.
176
00:06:52,745 --> 00:06:54,614
[ Chimes ]
Ooh! I got a match.
177
00:06:54,681 --> 00:06:56,782
His name's Bill.
Ooh!
178
00:06:56,849 --> 00:06:59,953
Aah! Help!
Somebody help me!
179
00:07:00,020 --> 00:07:01,354
Fuck you, Tinder!
180
00:07:01,421 --> 00:07:03,656
[ Dance music plays ]
181
00:07:03,723 --> 00:07:06,993
Great big fat person --
swipe right.
182
00:07:07,060 --> 00:07:09,762
Skinny man -- swipe left.
183
00:07:09,829 --> 00:07:12,965
Radcliffe, it's official.
You have 50 pregnant females.
184
00:07:13,032 --> 00:07:14,599
How is that possible?
185
00:07:14,666 --> 00:07:19,838
Remember, darling, only 15 of
our 101 dalmatians were related.
186
00:07:19,905 --> 00:07:23,175
Clearly, the unrelated ones
had sex!
187
00:07:23,242 --> 00:07:25,077
Actually, siblings
get it on all the time.
188
00:07:25,144 --> 00:07:27,613
Why, it wouldn't surprise me
if Pongo and Perdita over there
189
00:07:27,680 --> 00:07:29,448
were having sex
with their own children,
190
00:07:29,515 --> 00:07:31,117
uh, likely while
the others watched.
191
00:07:31,184 --> 00:07:32,517
Jesus!
192
00:07:32,584 --> 00:07:35,421
Can't believe I had to give up
songwriting for a day job.
193
00:07:35,488 --> 00:07:37,957
Lousy dalmatians eating me out
of house and home!
194
00:07:38,024 --> 00:07:40,292
[ Dogs barking ]
Aah!
195
00:07:40,359 --> 00:07:42,995
These things breed
like fruit flies.
196
00:07:43,062 --> 00:07:45,431
It's a population-control
issue.
197
00:07:45,498 --> 00:07:46,966
[ Sighs ]
We were wrong to think
198
00:07:47,033 --> 00:07:48,468
you were a bad person,
Cruella.
199
00:07:48,535 --> 00:07:49,935
[ Laughs ]
200
00:07:50,002 --> 00:07:52,505
Oh, there's no such thing
as evil, you know?
201
00:07:52,572 --> 00:07:54,874
Everyone is the hero
of their own story.
202
00:07:54,941 --> 00:07:58,678
We really don't need
a sociology lesson.
203
00:07:58,745 --> 00:08:00,146
[ Cackles ]
204
00:08:00,213 --> 00:08:04,084
I love it when my wife sends me
to the -- grocery gore!
205
00:08:04,151 --> 00:08:05,785
[ Cackles ]
206
00:08:05,852 --> 00:08:06,986
Ew, tampons?
207
00:08:07,053 --> 00:08:08,921
Young woman:
Wash your car, mister?
208
00:08:08,988 --> 00:08:12,458
We're raising money for Monster
High's fearleading team.
209
00:08:12,525 --> 00:08:14,894
[ Transylvanian accent ] Oh,
it'd be a bloody shame
210
00:08:14,961 --> 00:08:16,896
if us ghouls couldn't raise
enough money!
211
00:08:16,963 --> 00:08:18,765
Without us,
how will the Mansters
212
00:08:18,832 --> 00:08:20,633
ever win another
casketball game?
213
00:08:20,700 --> 00:08:25,004
What...the fuck
are you doing?!
214
00:08:25,071 --> 00:08:26,272
We're having a car wash.
215
00:08:26,339 --> 00:08:27,606
I mean the puns!
216
00:08:27,673 --> 00:08:29,375
I'm the Crypt Keeper!
217
00:08:29,442 --> 00:08:31,810
Slays on words
are my thing!
218
00:08:31,877 --> 00:08:34,146
I've never even
heard of you! Blah!
219
00:08:34,213 --> 00:08:36,549
Yeah, if you don't want us to
wash that filthy piece of shit,
220
00:08:36,616 --> 00:08:38,952
just get out of our slay.
221
00:08:39,018 --> 00:08:40,153
[ Laughter ]
222
00:08:40,220 --> 00:08:41,787
You're so punny!
223
00:08:41,854 --> 00:08:44,256
I just made
that fucking pun!
224
00:08:44,323 --> 00:08:45,524
What the fuck.
[ School bell rings ]
225
00:08:45,591 --> 00:08:47,994
What the fuck.
Hello, boys and ghouls.
226
00:08:48,061 --> 00:08:49,429
What the fuck.
227
00:08:49,496 --> 00:08:51,330
Welcome to Monster High,
stranger.
228
00:08:51,397 --> 00:08:53,299
I'm headless Headmistress
Bloodgood.
229
00:08:53,366 --> 00:08:55,968
Well, Principal Goodhead,
I'm the Crypt Keeper,
230
00:08:56,035 --> 00:08:58,337
and I'm here to shut
this shit show down!
231
00:08:58,404 --> 00:08:59,605
What ever
do you mean?
232
00:08:59,672 --> 00:09:02,442
The puns, man!
You're stealing my whole life!
233
00:09:02,509 --> 00:09:05,911
Come on! Fearleading squad,
casketball team?!
234
00:09:05,978 --> 00:09:09,482
Oh, it sounds like you want
to speak to the hizzay,
235
00:09:09,549 --> 00:09:12,184
our physical deaducation
teacher.
236
00:09:12,251 --> 00:09:13,286
Oh, goddamn it!
237
00:09:13,353 --> 00:09:14,654
He's an invisible man.
238
00:09:14,721 --> 00:09:16,889
He's fright behind you,
as a matter of fact.
239
00:09:16,955 --> 00:09:18,825
[ School bell rings ]
Listen, knob job,
240
00:09:18,892 --> 00:09:20,259
either back off my schtick
241
00:09:20,326 --> 00:09:23,029
or you can kiss this bulimic
emo gangbang goodbye!
242
00:09:23,096 --> 00:09:24,797
Trust me,
I'm a shell of a man
243
00:09:24,864 --> 00:09:27,833
with nothing left to lose,
and --
244
00:09:27,900 --> 00:09:29,536
And I'm talking to the air.
245
00:09:29,603 --> 00:09:30,571
Fuck it!
246
00:09:31,571 --> 00:09:33,339
[ Cackles ]
247
00:09:33,406 --> 00:09:35,108
Mr. Crypt Keeper,
you stand accused
248
00:09:35,175 --> 00:09:37,376
of committing 448 counts
of first-degree murder.
249
00:09:37,443 --> 00:09:39,211
What do you have to say
for yourself?
250
00:09:39,277 --> 00:09:42,648
Well, first of all, I find
myself here in "Fright Court" --
251
00:09:42,715 --> 00:09:44,384
I told you before,
this is not "Night Court."
252
00:09:44,451 --> 00:09:45,718
It's just a regular court.
253
00:09:45,785 --> 00:09:47,286
Well, thanks for stepping
on the bit. Can I finish?
254
00:09:47,353 --> 00:09:49,255
How can I be blamed
for murder
255
00:09:49,321 --> 00:09:51,790
when the entire school
glamorized death?!
256
00:09:51,857 --> 00:09:53,993
Monster High
was wholesome fun!
257
00:09:54,060 --> 00:09:57,329
That vampire chick, Draculara,
her daddy's Dracula!
258
00:09:57,396 --> 00:10:00,132
That guy's put more high-quality
gash in the ground
259
00:10:00,199 --> 00:10:01,368
than plate tectonics!
260
00:10:01,435 --> 00:10:02,668
[ Spectators murmuring ]
261
00:10:02,735 --> 00:10:05,137
I don't completely understand
what you just said,
262
00:10:05,204 --> 00:10:07,273
but I am a vegan!
263
00:10:07,340 --> 00:10:10,043
Okay, veganism was
a 20th-century invention.
264
00:10:10,110 --> 00:10:11,910
Aren't you
1,600 years old?
265
00:10:11,977 --> 00:10:15,347
What'd you snack on
for the first 15 centuries?
266
00:10:15,414 --> 00:10:16,982
You got me.
[ Chuckles ]
267
00:10:17,049 --> 00:10:18,251
Blood of the innocent.
268
00:10:18,317 --> 00:10:20,986
Monster High was a monument
to murder!
269
00:10:21,053 --> 00:10:24,357
All I did was carry it
to its logical conclusion!
270
00:10:24,424 --> 00:10:25,524
[ Cheers and applause ]
271
00:10:25,591 --> 00:10:26,459
Case dismissed!
272
00:10:26,526 --> 00:10:27,660
That's it?!
273
00:10:27,727 --> 00:10:29,763
I had a whole bit
about a hung jury!
274
00:10:29,830 --> 00:10:31,063
[ Cackles ]
275
00:10:31,130 --> 00:10:32,698
Hey, where's everyone's go--
ah, shit.
276
00:10:32,765 --> 00:10:33,733
♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk
277
00:10:33,800 --> 00:10:35,067
♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk
278
00:10:35,134 --> 00:10:37,069
♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk
wawk bawk bawk ♪
279
00:10:37,136 --> 00:10:38,237
♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk
280
00:10:38,304 --> 00:10:39,572
♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk
281
00:10:39,639 --> 00:10:41,407
♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk
wawk bawk bawk ♪
282
00:10:41,474 --> 00:10:42,408
♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk
283
00:10:42,475 --> 00:10:43,743
♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk
284
00:10:43,810 --> 00:10:45,745
♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk
wawk bawk bawk ♪
285
00:10:45,812 --> 00:10:47,915
Ba-gawk! Bawk.
286
00:10:57,724 --> 00:10:58,659
[ Tink! ]
20245
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