Original subtitles

[ WHIRRING ]

[ THEME MUSIC PLAYS ]

[ WHIRRING ]

Man: IT'S ALIVE!

[ THUNDER RUMBLES ]

OKAY, TEAM.

LET'S RECYCLE THIS WALKING TRASH HEAP.

[ UP-TEMPO METAL MUSIC PLAYS ]

Man: UH, WHAT IS SRI LANKA?

Man #2: CORRECT. OH, I KNEW THAT!

THEN WHY'D YOU SAY SINGAPORE?

WATCH OUT, TEAM. HE'S A FEISTY ONE.

OH!

[ ROARING ]

[ THUD ]

HERB, WHAT IS IT?!

I DON'T KNOW, GLYNNIS. REMINDS ME OF NAM.

IT'S ALL DEWY.

SMELLS LIKE KIMCHI.

[ FART! ]

LOOK, GLYNNIS! A CAVE!

[ DISTANT ROARING ] IT'S VERY HUMID IN HERE.

WELL, I DON'T CARE!

YOU KNOW, I'VE REALIZED SOMETHING, GLYNNIS.

I HAVEN'T FELT THIS ALIVE IN YEARS!

OH, I FEEL IT, TOO, SUGAR BUMPS.

[ THUD ] THE FLASHLIGHT!

[ MUSIC CONTINUES ]

WELL, WHAT NOW, HERB?

WELL, I BROUGHT MY LIGHTER.

[ FART! ] [ WHOOSH! ]

[ WHISTLE! ]

[ CRASH IN DISTANCE ]

[ SOMBER ORGAN MUSIC PLAYS ] OH, KELLY,

I-I'M SO SORRY ABOUT YOUR PARENTS.

THANK YOU, MR. GREENFIELD.

FORGIVE ME, BUT I NEVER GOT A STRAIGHT ANSWER.

EXACTLY HOW DID HERB AND GLYNNIS PASS AWAY?

[ SIGHS ] WELL, BEST AS WE CAN TELL,

THEY WERE EXPLORING THE ANAL CAVITY

OF A 12-STORY MOSS MONSTER

WHEN THEY ACCIDENTALLY IGNITED A METHANE POCKET.

THEY HAD TO DIG THEM

OUT OF THE SIDE OF A GRADE SCHOOL TWO MILES AWAY.

[ MUSIC STOPS ]

I CAN'T TELL WHETHER YOU'RE KIDDING.

REALLY, DUDE?

OOH. NICE CAR. WHAT DO YOU CALL IT? IT'S THE MACH 5.

-HOW FAST CAN IT GO? -IT CAN GO FAST.

-CAN IT GO MACH 5? -IT CANNOT.

YOU SHOULD CALL YOUR CAR THE HORSESHIT LIE.

D-- HUH? [ WHIR! ]

WAIT. WHAT?

[ DIALING ]

Man: Thank you for calling Bank of America.

Press 1 for English.

Para español, presione número dos.

[ Beep ]

For accounts, press or say 1.

1.

For customer service, press or say 2.

1.

For money management, please press 3. 1!

To repeat this menu -- 1!

For accounts -- AH!

For billing, press or say 2.

I JUST PRESSED -- OH, MY G-- REPRESENTATIVE.

To hear this menu again --

REPRESENTATIVE.

Did you say "representative"? YES!

[ Ringing ] [ Tone plays ]

All of our representatives are helping other customers.

Please stay on the line.

Your current wait time is [Mechanically] 87 minutes.

FUCK THIS.

[ ANGELIC CHOIR VOCALIZES ]

MY WAIT TIME WAS 87 MINUTES, BRIAN.

LOOK, ALL I WANT TO KNOW IS THAT THAT SWEDISH "MINECRAFT" PUNK

ACTUALLY DOES HAVE MORE MONEY THAN ME.

[ Nasally ] UH, NOPE.

WHEW! THAT'S A RELIEF.

[ Chuckling ] I WAS, UH --

OH, OH, OHH! [ FARTING ]

OHH! OHH!

D'OH, GOD. ANYWAY, THANKS.

[ BOING! ] [ ANGELIC CHOIR VOCALIZES ]

[ SIGHS HEAVILY ]

[ DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS ]

IT'S OVER, ANAKIN! I HAVE THE HIGH GROUND!

YOU UNDERESTIMATE MY POWER.

DON'T TRY IT. HIGH GROUND!

AAH!

AAH!

YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO DESTROY THE SITH, NOT JOIN THEM!

HIGH GROUND!

I HATE YOU!

YOU WERE MY BROTHER, ANAKIN.

I LOVED YOU! HIGH GROUND!

[ FOOSH! ] AAH!

WHOOPS. I BETTER GRAB THAT THERE.

HIGH GROUND.

[ Voice breaking ] WAIT.

ARE YOU FUCKING ROBBING ME?

I'LL GIVE IT TO YOUR SON SOME DAY

IF PADMé ISN'T, YOU KNOW, DEAD.

I MEAN, SHE LOOKED PRETTY DEAD TO ME

FROM UP HERE... ON THE HIGH GROUND.

WAIT. WAIT. WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.

UH, I'M LITERALLY JUST C-COOKING TO DEATH.

PLEASE JUST KILL ME.

THAT'S NOT THE HIGH-GROUND WA--

I MEAN, THE JEDI WAY.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING.

I'M SAYING I'VE BEATEN YOU,

AND I'M ON THE HIGH GROUND, SO...

HIGH GROUND.

AND I'LL TAKE NORTHEAST MINNESOTA.

THAT LEAVES SELLING INSURANCE IN SOUTHWEST MICHIGAN FOR YOU.

I WANT TO KNOW WHY I NEVER GET NORTHEAST MINNESOTA!

YOU WANT ANSWERS?!

I WANT DULUTH!

YOU CAN'T HANDLE DULUTH!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE, UPBEAT PIANO MUSIC PLAYS ]

[ DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS ] [ ROARING ]

OH, MY GOD! IT'S BIGFOOT!

WAIT A SECOND, SUSAN.

YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY ABOUT GUYS WITH BIG FEET.

[ BOTH SHUDDER ]

UH-HUH!

[ FUNK MUSIC PLAYS ] Man: AND SO BEGAN THE LEGEND OF BIGDICK.

Mr. Hands: GEE, MR. BILL.

SLUGGO WANTED YOU TO MEET HIS NEW FRIEND, MR. ROLLING PIN.

OH, NO!

MR. HANDS, I WARNED YOU, IF YOU KEPT MESSING WITH ME --

[ SQUISH! ] OH! OH, NO!

OHHH, NOOOOO!

GEE, MR. BILL.

YOUR CLAY DOESN'T SEEM AS SQUASHY THIS WEEK.

IT'S CALLED C-4, MOTHERFUCKER!

[ OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYS ]

OH, NO!

[ DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS ] GROWL!

[ PEOPLE SCREAMING ] ROAR!

WE'LL RESCUE YOU, PIGGY!

GET LOST, YOU BLUE WEIRDO. WE'RE ON A DATE.

ROAR!

ROAR AGAIN!

ALL RIGHT, GANG! LET HIM HAVE IT!

AAH! MY EYE!

[ LAUGHS ] DIRECT HIT!

WHOA! WHOA-HO-HO!

[ CRUNCH! ] OW!

[ HORN BLARES ]

[ DREAMY CHORD PLAYS ]

YOU CAN STOP PRETENDING NOW, "KERMIE."

[ GIGGLES ]

KERMIE?

[ GASPS ] KERMIE?

[ PLEASANT MUSIC PLAYS ] Nanny: OH, MY GOD, KERMIT.

WHAT HAPPENED?

WE WERE PLAYING KING KONG, NANNY,

AND KERMIE KONG FELL OFF THE EMPIRE STATE BUILDING.

♪♪

OKAY, NEW GAME, KIDS.

IT'S CALLED CLEANING UP THE CRIME SCENE.

PIGGY, GET THE BLEACH. GONZO -- HACKSAW.

FOZZIE, YOU GO GET EVERY HEFTY BAG YOU CAN FIND.

BUT [SNIFFLES] WHAT ABOUT MY KERMIE?

HE NEVER LOVED YOU.

NOW MOVE, GOD DAMN IT!

[ MONITOR BEEPING ] [ OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYS ]

[ FLATLINE ]

WHAT?! I'M DEAD?!

I DON'T BELIEVE IT!

YOU WERE 105 YEARS OLD, HAD 3 TYPES OF CANCER,

WERE BLIND AND DEAF

AND HAD A BRAIN TUMOR THE SIZE OF A CANTALOUPE.

[ ANGELIC CHOIR VOCALIZES ] I COULD'VE PULLED THROUGH.

I GOT YOUR SHIT NOW, ASSHOLE!

OH, HEY, HEY! OW! AW, COME ON!

OH FUCK.

I COULD'VE SWORN I HAD ANOTHER ROBE IN HERE SOMEWHERE.

[ CELLPHONE CHIMES ]

OH, MAN, ANOTHER DEATH.

WELL, I-I CAN'T GO NAKED.

[ BONES CLACK ] [ GROANS ]

OH! A-AM I DEAD?

UH, YEAH.

[ LAUGHS CRAZILY ]

OH, MY GOD. ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS, MAN?

[ THEME MUSIC PLAYS ]

ALL RIGHT, SALLY, YOU'VE GOT CONTROL OF MIKEY.

DOWN, PLEASE.

[ WHIR! ]

NOW, YOU KNOW DOWN IS A BOMB.

YES. KILL HIM.

OKAY. MIKEY'S GOING DOWN.

[ THEME MUSIC PLAYS, CROWD CHEERING ]

[ SCREAMING ]

[ Crying ] OH, MY GOD!

HO, HO! LOOKS LIKE MIKEY'S STILL ALIVE!

AND, CHESTER, YOU'VE GOT CONTROL.

DOWN.

[ GASPS ]

COME ON, MIKEY.

[ THEME MUSIC PLAYS, CROWD CHEERING ]

[ GRUNTING ]

[ SOBBING ]

ALL RIGHT, SALLY. WHERE TO?

NO, PLEASE. FINISH ME.

GO LEFT.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

YOU'RE A BITCH.

♪ NOW DRACULA REALLY HAS IT TOGETHER ♪

♪ DRINKIN' BLOOD OUT OF SEXY CHICKS ♪

♪ BUT WHEN THIS VAMPIRE'S UNDER THE WEATHER ♪

♪ HE GOES TO SEE DR. ROSENWITZ

[ Transylvanian accent ] INFORM DR. ROSENWITZ

THAT I, COUNT DRACULA, HAVE ARRIVED.

DO YOU HAVE AN APPOINTMENT?

♪ DRACULA WAS A WALK-IN PATIENT ♪

♪ AND ROSENWITZ WAS SUPER BOOKED ♪

♪ BUT THE OTHER DOCTOR NAMED SOMETHING ASIAN ♪

♪ HAD A SPOT AT 3:00, SO HE'D TAKE A LOOK ♪

MR. DRACULA, I'M DR. HONG.

♪ OOH, THAT WAS IT, DR. HONG

♪ WE KNEW IT WAS EITHER HONG OR WONG ♪

SO, WHAT SEEMS TO BE THE PROBLEM TODAY?

[ COUGHS ] A SORE THROAT. BLEH.

I PROBABLY JUST NEED A Z-PAK OR SOMETHING. BLEH.

WELL, I'LL BE THE JUDGE OF THAT.

NURSE, WHAT WAS HIS BLOOD PRESSURE?

0/0.

OKAY, THAT'S PRETTY LOW.

I'D LIKE TO SEE THAT UP AROUND 120/80 NEXT TIME.

SO, STAND UP, AND LET'S CHECK THOSE TESTICLES.

[ SPLAT! ] OH, GOD!

THOSE ARE HANGING A LITTLE LOW.

WELL, I AM 900 YEARS OLD. BLEH, BLEH.

♪ WELL, IT WASN'T STREP

♪ IT WAS ACID REFLUX

♪ HE DIDN'T NEED A Z-PAK AT ALL ♪

THE STORY'S OVER, BUT WE'RE BACK NEXT WEEK

NOW HERE'S ANOTHER LOOK AT DRACULA'S BALLS.

[ SPLAT! ] HERE THEY ARE!

[ TWINKLE! ] BLEH!

[ INSECTS BUZZING ]

HI. I'M HERE FOR THE "DOPPELGANG-BANG."

COME ON IN.

[ UPBEAT ACOUSTIC MUSIC PLAYS ]

WHOO-HOO!

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ INDISTINCT CHATTER ]

[ SCREECHING, BLEATING ]

[ Hissing ] GO AHEAD, EVE.

[ OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYS ] TAKE A BITE.

[ ELECTRICITY CRACKLES ] [ BLEATS ]

[ BEEPING, WHIRRING ]

[ DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS ]

[ Austrian accent ] I NEED YOUR FUR, YOUR ANTLERS,

AND YOUR HOOVES.

BUT THIS IS THE TREE OF KNOWLEDGE.

EATING FROM IT IS FORBIDDEN.

GET DOWN! [ SCREAMING ]

NEVER SEEN TWO SERPENTS FIGHT BEFORE.

IT'S NOT A SERPENT. AAH! [ HISSING ]

YOU DON'T HAVE MUCH TIME.

COME WITH ME IF YOU WANT TO LIVE.

CAN YOUR SERPENT DO THAT?

IT'S NOT A SERPENT. IT'S A PENIS.

WHAT'S A PENIS?

MOVE!

WHAT WAS THAT?!

IT'S A TERMINATOR SENT FROM THE FUTURE TO KILL YOU.

TERMINATOR?! A CYBERNETIC ORGANISM.

IT IS -- A CYBER WHAT?

PART MAN, PART MACHINE. IT HAS BEEN SENT TO --

MACHINE?! YES, ARTIFICIAL.

CREATED BY MAN.

CREATED FROM ADAM'S RIB?

NO, NOT LIKE THAT.

IT'S A ROBOT BUILT AND SENT HERE TO KILL YOU.

KILL ME?!

YES, BECAUSE YOUR GREAT-GREAT-GREAT-GREAT-

GREAT-GREAT-GREAT-GREAT- GREAT-GREAT-GREAT-

GREAT-GREAT-GREAT-GREAT- GREAT-GREAT-GREAT-GREAT-

GREAT GRANDSON

WILL ONE DAY LEAD THE HUMAN REBELLION

AGAINST SKYNET AND THE MACHINES.

I MEAN, WHAT IS KILL?

DEAD. GONE.

OH, THERE YOU ARE, EVE.

AAH! IT FOUND US!

ADAM!

[ GURGLING ]

THAT WAS NOT THE OTHER TERMINATOR.

[ Crying ] THIS COULD'VE BEEN MY SISTER.

[ OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYS ]

[ SHRIEKING ]

I'M SO CONFUSED.

HERE. EAT FROM THE TREE OF KNOWLEDGE.

[ MUNCH! ]

OH! THAT'S A PENIS!

YES.

♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK

♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK

♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK-A-WAWK WAWK BAWK BAWK ♪

♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK

♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK

♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK-A-WAWK WAWK BAWK BAWK ♪

♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK

♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK

♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK-A-WAWK WAWK BAWK BAWK ♪

BA-GAWK! BAWK.