Original subtitles

[ WHIRRING ]

[ THEME MUSIC PLAYS ]

[ WHIRRING ]

Man: IT'S ALIVE!

[ THUNDER RUMBLES ]

ARE YOU READY, JOHN COFFEY?

YES, BOSS EDGECOMB.

THEN IT'S TIME TO WALK THE GREEN MILE.

[ THUNDER CRASHES ]

[ SCREECHES ]

OH, SURE, YEAH, CLOSE THE DOOR.

[ SCREECHING CONTINUES ]

TREVOR, WE'VE BEEN OVER THIS.

YOU'RE NOT GETTING A RAISE.

[ SCREECHES ]

NO. A HALF-HOUR IS MORE THAN ENOUGH TIME TO EAT LUNCH.

[ SCREECHES ]

UNIONIZE?

FUCK YOU, TREVOR.

I KNOW I PAY A FAIR WAGE! [ SCREECHES ]

WE'VE GOT A PROBLEM.

[ ALL SCREECHING ]

[ SCREECHING CONTINUES ]

LOOK, AS LONG AS THEY DON'T FIGURE OUT

AZKABAN IS ACTUALLY A PRISON FOR DEMENTORS, [SNICKERS]

THEY CAN HAVE AS LONG OF A LUNCH BREAK AS THEY WANT.

EITHER WAY, LET'S, UH, CLOSE THIS FUCKING WINDOW.

DAD, EVERYONE'S MAKING FUN OF ME.

SON, THIS COUNTRY IS MADE UP OF

ALL DIFFERENT TYPES OF PEOPLE, ALL SHAPES AND SIZES.

THAT'S WHAT MAKES AMERICA GREAT.

NEVER FORGET THAT.

PLUS, YOU CAN'T HELP WHO YOU FALL IN LOVE WITH.

ISN'T THAT RIGHT, KEL?

WHO LOVES ORANGE SODA?

KEL LOVES ORANGE SODA!

I DO, I DO, I DO-OOH!

I LOVE YOU, TOO, BABY.

Together: AND WE LOVE YOU, KA-ORANGE.

FREAKS!

[ GLASS SHATTERS ] DON'T YOU WORRY.

THEY'RE ON THE WRONG SIDE OF HISTORY, KA-ORANGE.

AN ARMY RANGER, THE LONE RANGER, WALKER, TEXAS RANGER,

RANGER RICK, AND RANGER SMITH FROM "YOGI BEAR"

BATTLE TO THE DEATH.

WHO WINS?

THIS IS EASY.

[ HAWKS SCREECH ]

ARMY RANGER THROWS A FLASH BANG,

THEN HE PICKS THEM OFF WITH HIS M40.

THE END.

THAT'S NOT EVEN CLOSE TO HOW IT WOULD GO.

[ HAWKS SCREECHING ] FIRST OF ALL,

THE LONE RANGER'S THE FASTEST DRAW IN THE ROOM.

BUT WALKER, TEXAS RANGER, HAS THE FASTEST REFLEXES.

MEANWHILE, RANGER SMITH ELIMINATES RANGER RICK.

AFTER THAT, YOU'LL HEAR TWO SOUNDS --

THE COCK OF A TEXAS SHOTGUN,

AND RANGER SMITH SHITTING HIS WEIRD, LUMPY PANTS.

WANT TO KNOW WHO'D WIN? I'LL TELL YA!

[ HAWKS SCREECHING ]

YOU EVER SEE A WILD ANIMAL WHEN IT'S CORNERED?

INSTINCT TAKES OVER!

[ SCREAMS ]

[ RACCOON CHATTERING ]

[ FARTS ]

IF THE RACCOON SMELLS FEAR,

THAT'S WHEN THEY GO TRULY BLOOD-SIMPLE.

[ SCREAMS ]

[ RACCOON CHATTERING ]

AAH!

[ SCREAMS ]

I'VE SEEN EXACTLY THE SAME THING IN THE WAR.

MY PLATOON WAS PINNED DOWN

UNTIL THEM HARBOR BOMBERS DISTURBED A NEST OF RACCOONS.

FIVE MINUTES LATER, NOTHING LEFT IN THEM BUT SKELETONS.

IT HAPPENED.

IT'S IN THE "SAVING PRIVATE RYAN"

DELETED SCENES!

SORRY. MY GRANDPA'S CRAZY.

I THINK HE'S COOL AS SHIT.

AH-CHOO!

GOD BLESS YOU.

THERE'S NO GOD IN THIS HOUSE!

OKAY. TIME OUT, YOUNG LADY.

YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL.

WELL, MUST BE 1956 IN HELL.

OH. HMM. HMM.

I COULD HAVE SWORE I PUT THEM IN MY POCK--

I MUST HAVE DROPPED THE KEY.

BE RIGHT BACK.

[ PANTING ]

HYAH, HYAH, HYAH!

OH, YEAH! TOUGH LUCK IS SO SEXY!

I HEAR TOUGH LUCK IS A REAL ROUGH FUCK

HA! HIGH FIVE!

SHUT UP, HIGH FIVE!

IF ANYONE'S GONNA CONQUER THAT KITTY,

IT'S GONNA BE ME, BUSHWHACK.

AX TO THE MAX!

[ WHISPERS INDISTINCTLY ]

I CAN'T HEAR YOU, WHISPER ELF!

CAREFUL. TOUGH LUCK IS A TRAP MASTER.

I'M A TRAP MASTER, TOO.

WE TRAP BAD GUYS AND PUT THEM IN JAIL.

OH, DEAR.

[ LAUGHS ] BUSHWHACK IS GONNA

WHACK SOME BUSH BEHIND THAT BUSH.

WHACK. UGH, SHUT UP!

[ SCREAMS ] IT'S A TRAP, IT'S A TRAP!

DEAL WITH IT!

[ SCREAMS ]

High Five: [ GASPS ] SHE'S A TRAP!

♪ AAH, OOH, THAT GIRL'S ON THE TRAP TEAM ♪

♪ AAH, OOH, SHE'S GOT A RIMSKY ♪

YEAH!

♪ AAH, OOH, SHE'LL FILL YOU WITH THE SEX CREAM ♪

♪ YOUR BUTTHOLE IS HER WET DREAM ♪

♪ AAH, OOH

I GOT A QUARTER POUND OF HAM,

A 1/2 POUND OF TURKEY, AND A 1/2 POUND OF ROAST BEEF.

ANYTHING ELSE, MR. SCHINDLER?

NO. THAT IS MY WHOLE LIST.

UGH, COME ON. A TERRIBLE JOKE.

I MUST BE IN A "ROBOT CHICKEN" SKETCH.

DO YOU HAVE OUR WEEKLY COUPON?

WHOA, WHOA, WAIT.

IF THIS IS A SKETCH, WHAT HAPPENS TO ME WHEN IT'S OVER?

COUPON? YOU MEAN I COULD HAVE SAVED MORE?

AM I REALLY EVEN ALIVE, OR...?

YOUR HONOR, MY GRANDMOTHER WAS KILLED BY BEAR!

SO I GOT SOME NEGATIVE FEELINGS ABOUT THIS.

[ SIGHS ]

DO YOU THINK YOU'D BE ABLE

TO UNDERSTAND THAT THE ZOOKEEPER ON TRIAL HERE

IS IN A SEPARATE SITUATION

FROM WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR GRANDMOTHER.

I SUPPOSE SO.

AND YOU'D BE ABLE TO BE OBJECTIVE ABOUT THIS CASE?

YES, YOUR HONOR.

THEN TAKE YOUR SEAT IN THE JURY BOX.

FUCK!

UH, OPTIMUS PRIME.

HERE.

MR. PRIME, ANY REASONS WHY

YOU MAY NOT BE ABLE TO SERVE ON THIS JURY?

I AM OPTIMUS PRIME, LEADER OF THE AUTOBOTS.

FOR MILLIONS OF YEARS, WE HAVE BATTLED

THE TYRANNY OF MEGATRON AND HIS EVIL DECEPTICONS.

THE FATE OF OUR HOME PLANET, CYBERTRON, HANGS IN THE BALANCE,

AS DOES THE FREEDOM OF ALL SENTIENT BEINGS

THROUGHOUT THE GALAXY.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

DOES THIS WAR THAT'S SPANNED MILLIONS OF YEARS

HAVE ANYTHING CRITICAL PLANNED

OVER THE NEXT FIVE TO SEVEN WORKING DAYS?

UH, NO.

IT'S BEEN QUIET LATELY.

AND IF SOMETHING DOES COME UP,

DO YOU HAVE A CAPABLE SECOND-IN-COMMAND?

OH, IRON HIDE?

YEAH. UGH.

WELL, HE'S ACTUALLY PRETTY SOLID.

SO YOU'D BE ABLE TO SERVE?

YES, YOUR HONOR.

TAKE YOUR SEAT IN THE JURY BOX.

FUCK!

[ CRICKETS CHIRPING ]

[ FARTS ]

OH, HEY, THERE IT IS.

YOU ARE TEENAGERS NOW.

IT IS FINALLY TIME FOR THE TALK.

THAT WAS A GOOD EPISODE OF "THE TALK".

NOW WE TALK ABOUT SEX.

MASTER SPLINTER, WE KNOW ALL ABOUT SEX.

[ CHEERING ] BAGS OF SAND!

WELL, WE'LL SEE ABOUT THAT.

WHAT IS THE NAME OF THE OPENING WHICH HOUSES TURTLE GENITALIA.

BAGS OF SAND. THE BUTT!

IT'S CALLED THE CLOACA.

THE FEMALE MAY STORE THE MALE'S SPERM

FOR SEVERAL YEARS BEFORE INCUBATING HER EGGS.

THAT WAY, IF THE MALE HITS THE POWERBALL

OR INVENTS A KILLER iPHONE APP,

THE FEMALE CAN CASH IN ON THAT SHIT.

ANY QUESTIONS?

I'M CONFUSED.

DO I PERFORM MY MATING DANCE BEFORE OR AFTER

I SNIFF'S APRIL'S CLOACA TO SEE IF SHE'S FERTILE?

UH, I ALREADY CALLED DIBS ON APRIL'S CLOACA.

HEY, I CALLED DIBS ON HER CLOACA

WAY BEFORE YOU CALLED DIBS ON HER CLOACA.

YOU ARE TURTLES!

OW! APRIL IS HUMAN.

YOUR GENITALIA ARE NOT COMPATIBLE.

MY BROTHERS, I GIVE YOU THE APRIL O'NEIL SEX-BOT 3000.

HOW'S THAT SOLVE ANYTHING? APRIL'S A HUMAN.

THIS APRIL HAS A VIBRATING CLOACA.

-CLOACA! -LET ME IN, LET ME IN!

[ VIBRATOR BUZZING ]

[ DOGS BARKING ] HEY, HOW YOU DOING?

I'M PICKING UP DOG BRUTUS. HE WAS HERE TO BE NEUTERED.

[ CABARET MUSIC PLAYS ]

WE HAVE TO TELL THE POLICE.

NO, WE CAN'T!

IF WE TELL THEM THAT WE RAN OVER THE MAN ON THE MOPED,

WE'LL GO TO PRISON.

OW!

[ SCREAMS ]

ARE YOU OKAY, BRITTANY?

THAT THING BRUISED MY SHIN PRETTY HARD.

WHERE DID IT EVEN COME FROM?

[ SCREAMS ] [ HORN HONKS ]

IT CAME OUT OF NOWHERE.

TIM'S ANKLE IS SPRAINED, YOU GUYS. SPRAINED!

IT'S MORE A STRAIN THAN A SPRAIN,

BUT THAT MOPED DIDN'T HAVE A DRIVER,

AND IT LOOKED JUST LIKE THE ONE THAT MAN WAS RIDING --

THE MAN WE KILLED!

WE SWORE NEVER TO TALK ABOUT THAT!

[ KNOCK ON DOOR ]

WHO'S THERE?!

OH, GOD. IT'S THE MOPED!

[ MOPED MOTOR RUNNING ]

NUTS! WHY THE HELL ARE YOU MAKING THAT SOUND?

COME ON, GUYS! I'M JUST HAVE SOME FUN!

[ SCREAMS ] OW!

OOH, MY ACHILLES TENDON.

[ SCREAMS ]

[ HORN HONKS ]

I GUESS IT CAN'T GET VERY MUCH SPEED IN THIS ENCLOSED SPACE.

AS FAR AS PUNISHMENTS GO FOR MANSLAUGHTER,

HAVING A HAUNTED MOPED FOLLOW US AROUND

ISN'T THE WORST THING IN THE WORLD.

AND IT'LL PROBABLY RUN OUT OF GAS SOON.

WHAT HAPPENS IF I TAKE THE KEY OUT?

OH.

HA!

[ THUD ]

[ CRASH! ]

IT'S YOU!

IT'S THAT GUY WE KILLED EARLIER!

I'M NOT DEAD!

THAT HAUNTED MOPED DROVE ME RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOUR CAR!

I MEAN, I WISH YOU'D CALLED AN AMBULANCE

INSTEAD OF THROWING ME INTO THIS LANDFILL.

SO IN THAT RESPECT, YOU'RE NOT WITHOUT BLAME,

BUT PRIMARILY, IT WAS THE HAUNTED MOPED

THAT TRIED TO KILL ME!

WHERE DID YOU EVEN FIND THAT MOPED?

OH, SOME GUY WAS RIDING IT.

AND AFTER I HIT HIM WITH MY CAR WHILE I WAS DRUNK

AND KILLED HIM ACCIDENTALLY, MY CAR WAS PRETTY BUSTED UP,

SO I WAS USING HIS MOPED UNTIL MY CAR GOT FIXED.

GUYS, I JUST REALIZED THE ONLY ONE WITHOUT BLAME

OUT OF ALL OF US WAS THE MOPED.

EH, AND THE GUY THAT WAS RIDING IT.

BUT WE DON'T KNOW THAT FOR SURE.

[ MOPED BUZZES ]

[ GIRL SCREAMS ]

[ KEY JINGLING ]

[ DOOR LOCK RATTLES ]

IT'S BEEN AN HONOR, JOHN COFFEY.

SURPRISE!

[ CHEERING ]

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, JOHN!