Original subtitles

[ WHIRRING ]

[ THEME MUSIC PLAYS ]

[ WHIRRING ]

Man: IT'S ALIVE!

[ THUNDER RUMBLES ]

YOU DON'T LOOK READY TO JUMP, SOLDIER!

GOT SOMETHING TO SAY?

IT'S JUST THAT NONE OF THE OTHER SOLDIERS JUMPED TANDEM.

AND BEING FACE-TO-FACE IS SORT OF... SEXY?

UH, I WAS GONNA SAY WEIRD.

HOW ABOUT NOW?

♪ COME INSIDE

♪ AND LOSE YOUR MIND

♪ BONE BUS

♪ BONE BUS!

♪ BONE BUS

Man: HOW OLD ARE YOU, SKIPPER? 18.

AW, YOU HAVE SUCH A TIGHT, LITTLE BODY.

UH, WHEN IS BARBIE GETTING HERE?

YOU'RE INTO GIRL-ON-GIRL? SEXY.

[ CLANG! ] LET SKIPPER GO!

SHE'S A CONFUSED GIRL WHO GOT ON THE WRONG BUS!

THAT'S OUR BUSINESS MODEL, BRO!

[ TIRES SQUEALING ]

Man: [ Chuckling ] NOW, WHERE WERE WE?

OH, RIGHT, I WAS ABOUT TO TOUCH YOUR BOOBS.

[ TIRES SQUEAL ]

[ TIRES SQUEALING ]

AAH!!

[ TIRES SCREECH ]

DON'T WORRY, SKIPPER. YOU'RE SAFE.

AND YOU -- YOU, SIR, WILL NEVER BONE IN THIS BUS AGAIN.

HEY, WHAT'S YOUR NAME?

I'M KEN, AND I'M GONNA --

AW, THAT'S A FUCKING HOT NAME FOR AFUCKING HOT DUDE.

EVER CONSIDER A CAREER IN ADULT ENTERTAINMENT?

I'M A BIG, BRIGHT, SHINING STAR.

[ FUNK MUSIC PLAYING ]

HEY, MIND IF I GET IN ON THAT ACTION?

HEY! HEY! GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE!

HEY, IT'S ONLY GAY IF OUR STAMENS TOUCH.

WELCOME TO FOSTER'S HOME FOR IMAGINARY FRIENDS, MIKAYLA.

ADOPT ANYONE YOU LIKE.

NO. NO. NO. NO.

[ GASPS ] THAT'S THE ONE! I WANT HIM!

LET'S ALL WELCOME OUR NEW FRIEND, MR. TYLER DURDEN!

I WANT YOU TO HIT ME IN THE FACE AS HARD AS YOU CAN.

NO, THANK YOU.

[ LAUGHS GOOFILY ] I'LL DO IT.

♪♪

CALL ME BITCH TITS, WILL YOU?

[ BOTH LAUGHING MANIACALLY ]

[ SIP! ]

Narrator: AND NOW WE WATCH AS THE SALMON SWIM UPSTREAM TO SPAWN.

AWW, I MISSED YOU LITTLE GUYS!

♪♪

YOU'RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHY YOU'RE ALL HERE.

WELL, I HAVE A SURPRISE FOR YOU.

THIS CHANGES EVERYTHING.

WE'RE TAKING "BATTLE OF THE EXES" UP A NOTCH.

PLEASE WELCOME X-MEN EXES, WOLVERINE AND JEAN GREY.

A TEAM OF MUTANTS?

THIS CHANGES EVERYTHING.

HAVING WOLVERINE AS A TEAMMATE?

WHEW! THINGS DID NOT END WELL BETWEEN US.

SHE FELL INTO THE OCEAN AND SLEPT IN A COCOON

WHILE HER EVIL TWIN KILLED A TRILLION INNOCENT ALIENS.

AND WHEN I WOKE UP, ALL MY SHOWS ON THE DVR WERE FUCKING GONE.

ALIENS ARE REAL?

THIS CHANGES EVERYTHING.

PEOPLE DON'T THINK WE'RE REAL ATHLETES,

BUT JUST CHECK OUT THESE SCARS.

THIS ONE HERE IS FROM "RIVALS II."

OR MAYBE IT WAS "EXES II."

IT'S HARD TO KEEP

ALL MY AUTHENTIC ATHLETIC COMPETITIONS STRAIGHT.

[ BOTH MOANING ] YEAH.

I AM NOT GONNA LIE.

WOLVERINE LOOKS GOOD.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THIS SLUT?

GO AHEAD. HIT ME, BITCH.

FUCK YOU, YOU MUTEY WHORE!

OW!

JEAN, STOP THIS.

NO, I DON'T WANT TO DO THIS.

ME, NEITHER!

[ BOTH MOANING ]

I'M NOT EVEN MAKING YOU DO IT ANYMORE.

FUCK OFF.

[ Straining ] AT LEAST THIS WILL LEAVE A COOL SCAR.

JOHNNY BANANAS IS DEAD?

MEH.

SINCE THE OTHER GUYS ARE HOSPITALIZED OR DEAD,

YOU'RE THE ONLY TEAM LEFT.

CONGRATS. YOU GUYS KILLED IT.

BUT, WOLVERINE, YOU PHYSICALLY ASSAULTED SEVERAL PLAYERS.

THIS ENDS YOUR TIME HERE.

YEAH, I GAVE INTO MY BERSERKER RAGE AND MURDERED A FEW PEOPLE.

BUT THE IMPORTANT THING IS I FINALLY GOT CLOSURE WITH JEAN.

JEAN GREY, LEGALLY SPEAKING,

TELEKINESIS DOESN'T COUNT AS PHYSICAL ASSAULT,

SO YOU'RE THE WINNER.

CONGRATULATIONS. YOU KILLED IT.

WHOO-HOO!

BUT THERE'S ONE FINAL TWIST.

WE'RE STILL OBLIGATED TO DELIVER 13 EPISODES.

Announcer: ON NEXT WEEK'S "CHALLENGE"...

YEAH! WHOO! I'M KILLING IT.

I'M T.J. LAVIN.

WHAT'S NEXT, RIDDICK?

WE FIGHT OUR WAY TO THE POWER CORE

AND GET OFF THIS PLANET.

OUR FATHER, WHO ART IN HEAVEN, HALLOWED BE THY NAME.

KID, LEAVE GOD OUT OF THIS.

HE WANTS NO PART OF WHAT HAPPENS NEXT.

THE HELL I DON'T!

I MAY NOT ALWAYS SHOW UP, BUT IT'S NICE TO BE INVITED.

ON YOUR SIX.

[ LAUGHS ] YEAH!

Announcer: THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BROADCAST SYSTEM.

THE PURGE HAS BEGUN.

ALL CRIME IS LEGAL FOR 12 HOURS.

[ LAUGHING MANIACALLY ]

I'D LIKE A KIDS' MEAL, PLEASE.

KING OF THE PURGE!

[ LAUGHING MANIACALLY ]

BAA!

[ SMOOTH JAZZ PLAYING ]

BAA!

[ Suggestively ] BAA.

[ ROARS ]

GOSH, MY FIRSTS DAY AT SCHOOL AS A REAL BOY.

HI, I'M PINOCCHIO.

I'M GONNA CALL YOU FAGGOT. FAGGOT

I USED TO BE MADE OUT OF A PILE OF STICKS,

SO I UNDERSTAND HOW YOU COULD MAKE THAT MIS--

AAH! AAH!

IT'S P.B. AND J.

ALSO KNOWN AS THE POOR-KID SPECIAL.

I DON'T MIND. MMM.

I'M JUST HAPPY TO EAT LIKE A REAL B--

[ GASPING ]

WHAT HAPPENED?

UH, APPARENTLY, YOU HAVE A PEANUT ALLERGY.

AH. WHAT'S THAT FOR?

IT'S A CATHETER.

YOUR ALLERGIC REACTION CLOSED OFF YOUR PEE TUBE.

WHAT'S A PEE TUBE?

I'LL BE OUTSIDE.

[ DOOR SHUTS ] N-N-NOBODY'S EVERY TOUCHED MY PEE-PEE BEFORE.

YOU MAY FEEL A LITTLE PINCH.

[ SQUISH! ] [ SCREAMING ]

W-W-WHAT HAPPENED?

THE CATHETER GAVE YOU A STAPH INFECTION.

AND SINCE YOU'VE ONLY BEEN A REAL BOY FOR A DAY,

YOUR IMMUNE SYSTEM HASN'T DEVELOPED YET.

[ GASPING ]

Man: OH, NO! HE'S SEIZING!

GET THE CRASH CART!

WE'LL HAVE TO MASSAGE HIS HEART. GET THE RIB SPREADER!

[ GASPING ]

[ FLATLINE ]

[ CRYING ] HEY, REAL BOYS DIE.

[ Mockingly ] BUT, NO, "I'M GEPPETTO.

I CAN'T BE HAPPY WITH THE WORLD'S ONLY SENTIENT PUPPET."

[ CLEARS THROAT ]

SORRY FOR YOUR LOSS.

THIS...BURGER'S...TERRIBLE!

YEAH, 'CAUSE I SHIT IN THE MEAT.

KING OF THE PURGE!

SORRY, FOLKS. WE'RE ALMOST SOLD OUT.

YOU ARE THE LAST UNICORN.

♪♪

HEY, MAN, WHAT DO YOU THINK

THE TEACHER'S GONNA LOOK LIKE THIS YEAR?

I DON'T KNOW, MAN.

I HEAR HIRING HAS BEEN A REAL CHALLENGE

SINCE THE SCHOOL RELOCATED NEXT TO THAT DISGUSTING SWAMP.

WHAAAAAAA!

♪ REAL SLIMY CREATURE

♪ SHAKIN' IT FOR ME

♪ CAN'T WAIT FOR THE AFTERNOON

♪ WHEN THAT FINAL BELL RINGS

♪ I'LL GET TO LEARN SOME OTHER THINGS ♪

♪ DETENTION IN YOUR SEXY-ASS LAGOON ♪

♪ IN MY PANTS, IN MY PANTS, IN MY PANTS ♪

♪ I'M HOT FOR CREATURE

♪ THAT THING COULD SHOW YOU BOOB IN CLASS ♪

♪ I'M HOT FOR CREATURE

[ GUITAR SOLO ]

TAKE IT, CREATURE!

[ DISCORDANT STRUMMING ]

[ BOOING ]

[ SCREAMING ]

NO! NO! NO!

[ ROARS ]

[ ALARM RINGING ]

[ GUN COCKS, FIRES ]

[ TIRES SCREECH, DOOR SHUTS ]

[ TIRES SQUEAL ]

ALL RIGHT, ARE YOU READY FOR THIS?

I'M AS READY AS I'LL EVER BE, DEVIN.

GOOD LUCK, MR. PREDATOR.

AAH! [ SNAP! ]

THIS ISN'T THE DROP ZONE!

[ ZAP! ]

TAKE COVER BEHIND THE PIER 1 IMPORTS HAMMOCK!

I THINK IT'S TIME TO GET A LITTLE ONE-ON-ONE ACTION

WITH THE GUYS.

ICE BUCKETS? ROSE PETALS? WHAT THE HELL?

BUT THIS PLACE HAS AN INCREDIBLE HOUSEKEEPER.

VERY SEXY. WAIT!

WHERE'S HAWKINS AND BLAIN?

UP HERE!

OOH, CHAMPAGNE.

BLAIN, NO!

AAH!

BLAIN!

THINGS WERE HEATING UP,

BUT I FIGURED I'D HELP THEM ALONG EVEN MORE.

WHAT DO YOU THINK, DEVIN?

[ Goofy voice ] OH, I THINK THAT'S A GREAT IDEA, MR. PREDATOR.

[ DANCE MUSIC PLAYING ]

SHOULD I CALL FOR BACKUP? MAYBE.

BUT, HEY, YOU DON'T LOOK A GIFT FANTASY SUITE IN THE MOUTH.

[ GASPS ] YO, A FREE HEAD!

[ DANCE MUSIC CONTINUES ]

AAH!! HUH?

PANCHO'S NOT A BOOK, JUST A STACK OF UNBOUND PAPERS.

NO SPINE! UGH.

YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH ME?

I'M NOT GONNA LIE. IT FEELS NICE BEING FOUGHT OVER.

WHAT DO YOU THINK, DEVIN?

HEY. WHO -- WHO TOOK MY HEAD?

OH, NO!

MAC -- HE'S POSSESSED!

THIS HOUSE! IT'S, H-HAUNTED

WITH THE G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G--

I GET IT! RUN!

I'LL DISTRACT THE MONSTER,

YOU JUST GET YOUR ASS OVER THAT WALL.

WHO AM I KIDDING? BITCHES STICK TOGETHER.

[ GRUNTS ]

EVERY ROSE HAS ITS THORN!

TAKE CARE OF DEVIN.

[ GROANS ]

YOU CAME BACK FOR ME.

I COULDN'T SAVE ANY OF YOU!

[ SOBBING ] NO!

Announcer: NEXT SEASON ON "THE PREDATORETTE,"

THIS SEXY HOUSEKEEPER HAS A BUN IN THE OVEN,

BUT WHO'S THE FATHER?

OH, NO!

♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK

♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK

♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK-A-WAWK WAWK BAWK BAWK ♪

♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK

♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK

♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK-A-WAWK WAWK BAWK BAWK ♪

♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK

♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK

♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK-A-WAWK WAWK BAWK BAWK ♪

BA-GAWK! BAWK.