Original subtitles

♪♪

[ EVIL LAUGHTER ]

[ WHIRRING ]

♪♪

IT'S ALIVE!

♪♪

[ THUNDER RUMBLES ]

♪♪

[ BEEPING ]

GHOSTWRITER HAS A MESSAGE FOR US.

HIS CLUES ARE ALWAYS A CHALLENGE,

EVEN NOW THAT WE'VE BOTH GRADUATED HIGH SCHOOL.

WHAT IS IT, GHOSTWRITER?

[ BEEPS ]

"NOTHING...

JUST FEELING HORNY."

JAMAL, WHAT DOES "HORNY" MEAN?

HMM, "HORNY."

HORN...EE.

I THINK GHOSTWRITER IS TELLING US

THAT THE BACKPACK THIEF RIDES A BIKE WITH A HORN.

THANKS, GHOSTWRITER.

[ BEEPING ]

♪ WHO, WHO, WHO HAS A CRUSH ON YOU ♪ [ TELEPHONE RINGS ]

MAN: Hi, there. I'm not wearing a hat.

Girl: ZACK DOESN'T HAVE A CRUSH ON ME.

DARN! [ TELEPHONE RINGS ]

MAN: I'm not at the beach.

TREVOR DOESN'T HAVE A CRUSH ON ME.

YOUR LOSS, TREVOR.

[ ALL GIGGLE ] [ TELEPHONE RINGS ]

HELLO? [ LAUGHS ]

-[ Breathing heavily ] -HELLO?

OH, I THINK I HEAR SOMEBODY BREATHING.

MAN: Hey, there, I'm not wearing pants.

I DON'T SEE ANYBODY WITHOUT PANTS.

IS THIS TREVOR?

Close.

I'm Trevor's dad, Rich.

I've seen you at swim practice.

You're blossoming into a beautiful woman. [ TELEPHONE BEEPS ]

WHAT THE FUCK [ TELEPHONE RINGS ]

STOP CALLING HERE!

[ GRUNTS ] [ CAT SCREECHES ]

ASHLEY'S SUCH A SPAZ. ♪ WHO, WHO, WHO HAS A CRUSH ON YOU ♪

I WOULD TOTALLY FUCK TREVOR'S DAD.

♪ ON THE MAGIC SCHOOL BUS

HERE IT IS, KIDS -- THE GRAND CANYON!

[ ALL CHEER ] MS. FRIZZ, YOU SAID WE WERE GOING

TO THE NATURAL HISTORY MUSEUM. [ ALL GROANING ]

MAGIC SCHOOL BUSES DON'T DO STANDARD CURRICULUM.

MS. FRIZZLE IS BAT-SHIT CRAZY!

DOES SHE EVEN HAVE A TEACHING DEGREE?

IT'S HONORARY. SEATBELTS ON, KIDS.

NO ONE ELSE WAS ALREADY WEARING A SEATBELT?

[ TIRES SQUEAL ] [ WHIMPERS ]

HEY, WE'RE RUNNING OUT OF ROAD!

WHERE THE ROAD ENDS, ADVENTURE BEGINS!

[ ALL CHEER ] OKAY, BUS, DO YOUR STUFF!

[ EXPLOSION ]

[ ANGELIC CHANTING ]

SEE, ARNOLD?

ADVENTURE AWAITS IN HEAVEN!

YEAH, SEE, ARNOLD? YOU PUSSY!

♪ THE MAGIC SCHOOL BUS

Announcer: THIS SPRING,

THE TRANSFORMERS GAIN A NEW ALLY.

AUTOBOTS, TRANSFORM AND ROLL OUT.

FROM AMAZON'S HIT SHOW "TRANSPARENT,"

JEFFREY TAMBOR IS THE TRANS TRANSFORMER.

UH, GUYS, HOLD ON.

HI, I'D LIKE TO SCHEDULE GENDER REASSIGNMENT SURGERY.

MAN TO WOMAN. ANTHEM BLUE CROSS.

OH, FOR GOD'S SAKE, PFEFFERMAN, TRANSFORM AND ROLL OUT!

THIS ISN'T A QUICK PROCESS.

BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.

-NO, NO. -BEE-BA-BEE-BA.

[ STATIC ] [ SULTRY MUSIC PLAYS ]

-OOH. -BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.

YOU DID IT!

YOU FINALLY DID IT!

YOU BLEW IT ALL UP!

EXCUSE ME, SIR, YOU NEED TO STAY ON THE MARKED TRAILS ONLY.

WHAT? WHO ARE YOU?

I'M THE PARK RANGER.

YOU'RE RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE APE HABITAT.

I'M AN ASTRONAUT.

MY SPACE CAPSULE LANDED HERE. -[ LAUGHS ]

WELL, YOU REALLY THREADED THE NEEDLE.

THE WHOLE HABITAT'S ONLY A SQUARE MILE.

ANYWAY, COME ON BACK TO THE GIFT SHOP,

AND LET'S GET YOU A SOUVENIR T-SHIRT.

SO HUMANITY ISN'T -- I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

THE APES SAID --

THE PRISONER BELONGS TO US!

APES ARE SUPREME HERE!

AH, AH, AH, AH.

[ ELECTRICITY CRACKLES ] [ APES SCREAMING ]

ARE YOU READY TO BE A GOOD APE?

YOU GONNA LEAVE THE NICE TOURIST ALONE?

[ SCREAMING ]

FOR FUCK SAKE, I'M SHITTING MY PANTS, MAN!

[ CRACKLING STOPS ]

HEY, YOU WANT TO BUY AN INFLATABLE APE

OR SOME APE JERKY FROM THE GIFT SHOP?

DAMN RIGHT, I DO!

GHOSTWRITER HAS ANOTHER CLUE.

Lenni: "WHIP OUT YOUR BLACK COCK"

JAMAL, WHAT COULD IT MEAN?

LET'S CHECK THE DICTIONARY.

OOH, "COCK" IS ANOTHER NAME FOR ROOSTER!

THAT MUST MEAN THE BACKPACK THIEF OWNS A BLACK ROOSTER.

WE BETTER CHECK FARMER JAKE'S FOR CLUES.

[ BEEPING ]

♪♪

Linny: ♪ THE CAN

♪ THE CAN IS JINGLING

♪ THERE'S AN ANIMAL WHO NEEDS US ♪

♪ LISTEN, IT'S A BABY COW OUT IN THE FARMLAND ♪

♪ NEAR A COMEDY CLUB

♪ WHAT, YOU CAN'T BE SERIOUS ♪

Together: ♪ THE WONDER PETS ARE COMING QUICK TO SAVE A BABY COW ♪

♪ THERE'S THE COMEDY CLUB ♪

♪ IT'S CALLED THE LAUGHTER HOUSE ♪

♪ THERE'S THE BABY COW IN THAT TINY WOODEN BOX ♪

♪ SHE'S UNABLE TO MOVE [ MOOS ]

♪ LOOK, HER NAME IS VEAL ♪

♪ THAT'S A VERY PRETTY NAME ♪

♪ THERE YOU GO, VEAL

♪ YOU'VE GOT YOUR FREEDOM NOW ♪

♪ HER LEGS -- HER LEGS ARE ATROPHIED ♪

♪ FROM BEING LOCKED UP IN HER FILTH ♪

♪ THEY SAY THAT LAUGHTER IS THE BEST MEDICINE ♪

♪ BUT, SERIOUSLY, TAKE MY BABY COW, PLEASE ♪

[ RIM SHOT ]

[ COW MOOING INTENSELY ] [ SAW BUZZING ]

[ GUNSHOT ] [ COW MOOS ] [ GUNSHOT ]

♪ OH, GOD, IT'S NOT A COMEDY CLUB ♪

[ RETCHING ]

SLAUGHTER HOUSE.

OH, THAT MAKES MUCH MORE SENSE!

ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS?

HEY, ARE YOU GUYS UP FOR A BURGER?

Together: ♪ THE WONDER PETS, WONDER PETS

♪ THE BABY COW'S DECEASED

♪ BUT HER FLESH IS NICE AND TENDER ♪

♪ SO, TONIGHT, WE'LL HAVE A FEAST ♪

♪ AND SHE TASTES GOOD

[ CHOMPING ]

DAD, THERE'S A MONSTER IN MY CLOSET.

[ GRUMBLING ]

DAD, DID YOU SEE THE MONSTER?

DAD? DAD?

I'M THINKING!

Announcer: ARE YOU READY TO GET AWKWARD?

IT'S THE NEW GAME BASED ON THE HIT MTV SERIES.

Girl: I LANDED ON JENNA HAMILTON!

Jenna: I BROKE MY ARM BY ACCIDENT,

BUT EVERYONE AT SCHOOL THINKS IT WAS A SUICIDE ATTEMPT.

Together: AWKWARD! [ LAUGHTER ]

I GOT LISSA MILLER!

Lissa: I'M GOING TO STAY A VIRGIN FOREVER...

EXCEPT UP MY BUTT.

HE'S TOTALLY GONNA BREAK MY B-HYMEN.

Together: AWKWARD! [ LAUGHTER ]

Girl: I LANDED ON THE WRITER OF THIS GAME.

Man: I GOT THIS ASSIGNMENT KIND OF LAST-MINUTE,

SO I HAVEN'T SEEN THE SHOW.

HOPE THAT WIKIPEDIA ENTRY IS ACCURATE.

Together: SUPER AWKWARD!

Announcer: FROM MTV GAMES!

DADDY, I WANT AN OOMPA LOOMPA!

I WANT AN OOMPA LOOMPA NOW!

VERY WELL, VERUCA.

WONKA, HOW MUCH FOR AN OOMPA LOOMPA?

THEY'RE NOT FOR SALE. EVERYTHING'S GOT A PRICE, WONKA.

JUST NAME IT. FINE, HOW ABOUT $8 GAJILLION BILLION?

WHOO-HOO!

WHEE!

♪ DOOPITY-DEE-DEE, DOOPITY-DOO ♪

♪ WHO'S GONNA CLEAN THIS UP, IT'S YOU ♪

[ GROANS ]

ONE DAY, SOME WHITE IDIOTS ARE GOING TO BUILD A HOUSE HERE.

AND THEN WHAT?

AND THEN SHIT JUMPS OFF. I CAN TELL YOU THAT.

HMM? IF WE EVER WANT TO FIND THE BACKPACK THIEF,

WE NEED TO DO EXACTLY WHAT THE GHOSTWRITER SAYS.

OH, JAMAL!

OH.

COCK-A-DOODLE-DOO.

Announcer: THE BACKPACK THIEF WAS NEVER FOUND,

BUT THE BIGGEST MYSTERY WAS SOLVED --

GHOSTWRITER WAS A VOYEURISTIC GHOST

AND HIS UNFINISHED BUSINESS ON EARTH

WAS WATCHING TEENAGERS BONE EACH OTHER.

THANKS FOR WATCHING PBS.

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ GRUNTS ]

NOW YOU KNOW WHAT IT FEELS LIKE, YOU JERKS!

THE BIOPSY RESULTS CAME BACK,

AND YOU'VE TESTED NEGATIVE FOR "MELANAMA."

THAT'S MELANOMA FOR BANANAS.

WOW, THANK GOD.

HOWEVER, YOU TESTED POSITIVE FOR STAGE 4 "BANANAL" CANCER.

THAT'S STAGE 4 ANAL CANCER FOR BANANAS.

[ SOBBING ]

WELCOME TO "ARE YOU THE ONE?" WHERE YOU SMASH SOME GASH

WHILE THE COMPUTER DECIDES WHO'S YOUR PERFECT MATE!

ARCHIE ANDREWS.

NOW, YOU'RE A ROUTINE GASH SMASHER.

DID YOU HAVE A GOOD WEEK? -YEAH.

I GOT TO KNOW THE GIRLS BETTER.

MMM.

MMM.

UGH, WHISKEY.

REALLY? WHAT ARE THEIR NAMES?

UH, STRAW-HEAD, BLACK BANGS, FUGGO.

WRONG! SO, WHO'S YOUR PERFECT MATCH?

CHERRY. CHERRY BOSOMS.

UH, NO, BUT I COULD SEE WHERE YOU GET THAT.

CHERYL BLOSSOM, COME ON OUT. [ GIGGLING ]

BETTY, WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THIS MATCH?

I COULDN'T BE HAPPIER FOR THEM.

DON'T THEY MAKE A CUTE COUPLE?

I'M VERY HAPPY FOR THEM. I MEAN THAT.

I REALLY, REALLY MEAN THAT.

[ GROANING ]

JUGHEAD, BOOM-BOOM ROOM, NOW.

SORRY, ETHEL. I PICKED BETTY.

I'LL LET YOU EAT A HOT POCKET OUT OF MY HOT POCKET.

HUH?

I'LL PUT MY CROTCH ROCKET IN YOUR ROD SOCKET!

HEY, GIRL, WHAT DO YOU SAY WE HIT THE BOOM-BOOM ROOM?

YOU CAN MEET MY TROPHY, AND I'LL PUT YOU ON THE "MANTLE."

'CAUSE I'M REGGIE MANTLE! GET IT?

HOW ABOUT A HANDY IN THE POOL?

A HUMMER IN THE DRIVEWAY?

A FRIDGE-SPLITTER IN THE WINE CELLAR? RONNIE!

WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON HERE?

Announcer: NOW LET'S SEE IF TRUTH BOOTH

SAYS ARCHIE AND CHERYL ARE A PERFECT MATCH.

[ WHIRRING ]

[ BUZZER ]

THIS GAME IS STUPID.

[ SOFT MUSIC PLAYS ]

HEY, REGGIE, YOU KNOW WHAT?

I'M GONNA PUT YOU ON THE "MANTLE."

YOU USED MY PHRASE. [ GRUNTS ]

[ BOTH GROANING ]

I'M GONNA PUT YOU ON THE "MANTLE."

I'M YOUR "MANTLE."

[ WHIRRING ]

♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK, BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK ♪

♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK-A-WAWK WAWK BAWK BAWK ♪

♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK, BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK ♪

♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK-A-WAWK WAWK BAWK BAWK ♪

♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK, BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK ♪

♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK-A-WAWK WAWK BAWK BAWK ♪

BA-GAWK! BAWK.

[ BLOWING ]

AH, I DID IT!

I FINALLY DID IT!

I BLEW IT ALL UP!

[ MONKEY HOOTING ]

[ MONKEY HOOTS ]

[ SLAP! ]

♪♪