Original subtitles

♪♪

[ EVIL LAUGHTER ]

[ WHIRRING ]

♪♪

IT'S ALIVE!

♪♪

[ THUNDER RUMBLES ]

♪♪

[ BEEPING ]

HEY, GUYS, IT'S PLUTO!

I THINK MY INVITE TO THE PLANET PARTY GOT LOST.

OH, THOSE DICKS.

I'LL SHOW THEM.

I'LL HAVE MY OWN PARTY WITH MY REAL FRIENDS.

DID SOMEBODY SAY PARTY?

HI, ERIS.

HI, CERES.

DWARF PLANET PARTY, BABY!

THE THREE AMIGOS! WE ARE SO MONEY!

MY MOM MADE GLUTEN-FREE BROWNIES!

I GOT A TWO-LITER OF MOUNTAIN DEW!

I HAVE EVERY "VAMPIRE DIARIES" ON MY DVR!

SO, IF WE MAKE YOU A PLANET AGAIN,

YOU'LL SUCK ALL OUR DICKS

YEAH.

I'M IN!

OF COURSE YOU'RE IN, URANUS.

[ STOMACH GROWLS ] OH.

I'M CONSTIPATED.

[ TWINKLES NOSE ]

[ POOPS ]

[ SPLASH ]

PHEW!

THAT'S BETTER.

COME ON, THERE'S NO WAY THIS DIDN'T HAPPEN AT SOME POINT.

MMM!

THESE PEANUT BUTTER AND JAM SANDWICHES

ARE DELICIOUS, RESPECTABLE RABBIT.

THEY DO TASTE A LITTLE SALTY, POSITIVE PIG.

OH, MY!

WHAT IS IT, POSITIVE PIG?

SOMEONE'S PUT JIZ JARS ON THE JAM JAR SHELF!

[ BOTH SPIT ] [ DOOR OPENS ]

WELL, HIYA, EVERYONE! I SEE YOU FOUND MY JIZ JAR!

GOD FUCKING DAMN IT, PICKLE JOE!

YOU RUIN EVERYTHING!

♪♪

WE'VE GOT A HOSTAGE SITUATION.

[ PEOPLE SCREAMING ]

PLEASE, WHOEVER YOU ARE, JUST GIVE US YOUR DEMANDS. OVER.

[ PEOPLE SCREAMING ]

SON OF A BITCH! WE'RE GOING IN!

[ OFFICERS SHOUTING ] GO, GO, GO, GO, GO!

SURRENDER! IT'S OVER!

THAT'S THE SECRET WORD!

YOU SAID OVER!

[ SCREAMING ] [ GUNFIRE ]

Officer: FREEZE! YOU'RE UNDER ARREST!

I KNOW YOU ARE, BUT WHAT AM --

AAH!

SIMON SAYS TOUCH YOUR NOSE.

[ LAUGHS ]

GOOD.

SIMON SAYS PAT YOUR HEAD.

[ LAUGHS ]

GOOD.

SIMON SAYS PUT YOUR BATHING SUIT AREA

UP AGAINST THE TV SCREEN.

GOOD.

ALVIN'S NOT THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN SCORE WITH THE LADIES.

[ SLURPING ]

AND I DECLARE SAMMY'S SHRIMP SHACK

THE REAL WINNER.

SEE YOU NEXT TIME ON "MAN VS. FOOD."

[ STOMACH GROWLING ] HEY, ADAM, GREAT EPISODE TODAY.

SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!

I JUST ATE 12 POUNDS OF POPCORN SHRIMP!

WHAT THE HELL?

WHERE IS MY TOILET?

YOU'LL NEVER HURT ME AGAIN!

[ GRUNTS ]

FREEDOM!

OH, OH NO!

OH.

OH, GOD!

NO.

IT'S HAPPENING!

IT'S REALLY HAPPENING!

PURPLE RAIN!

PURPLE RAIN!

[ LAUGHS ]

YEAH!

[ GAGGING ]

HI, I'M "ROBOT CHICKEN" EXECUTIVE PRODUCER SETH GREEN.

AND I'M EXECUTIVE PRODUCER MATTHEW SENREICH.

YOU KNOW, WE AT "ROBOT CHICKEN" LOVE TELEVISION,

BUT WE ONLY GET TO WATCH SO MUCH.

SO HERE'S A COUPLE OF SKETCHES BASED ON SHOWS

THAT WE'VE NEVER SEEN.

HONEY, I'M HOME.

HOW WAS YOUR DAY?

GOOD.

WELL, THAT WAS TERRIBLE.

GREEN MACHINE OUT!

I STILL BELIEVE IN THE SKETCH.

[ SIREN CHIRPS ] Man: WE'RE NOT GONNA MAKE IT.

THIS POOR GUY DESERVES BETTER THAN THIS.

BUT HE'S GONNA DIE... ON THIS HIGHWAY.

I LIKE THIS STILL.

[ HORSE WHINNIES ] OH, THE WAY YOU STOOD UP TO BLACK BART,

IT GOT MY HEART RACING.

I NEED TO DO THINGS.

UH, I, UH --

WHAT'S THE MATTER, BABY?

AREN'T YOU ATTRACTED TO ME?

UH, I, UM...

[ GUNSHOT ZINGS ]

ALL RIGHT, I WAS WRONG.

OW.

IT'S A FUCKING NORMAL CHAIR.

WHAT YOU DO ISN'T MY THING,

BUT STILL, I HAVE MAD RESPECT FOR YOU.

WORD.

MOMMY! HURRY UP!

I WANT IT!

SIR, MY DAUGHTER WANTS AN AMERICAN GIRL DOLL

THAT LOOKS JUST LIKE HER.

I'LL CHECK IN THE BACK

AND SEE IF WE HAVE A BABY BELUGA WHALE CORPSE

WE CAN STUFF WITH LUNCHABLES.

OH! YOU RUDE MAN!

I DEMAND TO SEE THE MANAGER.

YES? WHAT SEEMS TO BE THE ISSUE?

I'M TRYING TO FIND AN AMERICAN GIRL DOLL

THAT LOOKS JUST LIKE MY DAUGHTER.

I'M SURE WE CAN FIND THE RIGHT DOLL, MADAM.

HURRY UP!

WE'LL JUST STUFF THIS THING FULL OF LUNCHABLES

AND, YOU KNOW, LICKETY SPLIT, WE'RE ALL GOOD.

OH, THIS STORE IS AN INSANE ASYLUM.

WE'RE LEAVING. COME ALONG, BETHANY.

[ DOOR OPENS, BELL RINGS ] DAMN IT ALL!

I'VE TRIED EVERYTHING.

HEY, PAL, I DON'T MEAN TO PRY,

BUT WHY DID YOU PAY US SO MUCH MONEY

TO INSULT YOUR OWN DAUGHTER THIS WAY?

I'M TRYING TO SCARE HER STRAIGHT.

SHE'S TOO FAT,

AND HER MOTHER LET'S HER EAT WHATEVER SHE WANTS.

AND NOW WE LAY YOUNG BETHANY TO REST.

[ FORK LIFT BEEPING ]

GOD DAMN IT, NO, YOU STUPID SON OF A BITCH!

I'M SORRY, ARE WE NOT DOING THIS BIT ANYMORE?

WAIT, THAT WASN'T BETHANY?

DANGER! DANGER, WILL ROBINSON!

[ SCOFFS ] IT'S ALWAYS "DANGER THIS, WILL ROBINSON,

DANGER THAT, WILL ROBINSON."

HOW COME YOU NEVER MENTION ME IN YOUR WARNINGS?

SORRY, LET ME TRY THAT AGAIN.

DANGER! DANGER, WILL ROBINSON!

DR. SMITH IS A CHILD MOLESTER!

UH...

Man: AND NOW PLEASE WELCOME SUPERSTAR DEEJAY STEVE AOKI!

MAKE SOME NOISE!

Man 1: CAKE ME, STEVE! CAKE ME!

Man 2: NOW CAKE ME, DUDE!

Bernstein: THE CLUB SCENE IS THE LAST UNTAPPED MARKET

FOR BASEBALL TALENT.

STEVE AOKI, I'M J.B. BERNSTEIN.

I'M A SPORTS AGENT.

YOU SHOULD PITCH IN THE BIG LEAGUES.

UH, WHY THE FUCK WOULD I WANT TO DO THAT?

LET'S JUST SAY IT'S A WAY

FOR YOU TO MAKE $1 MILLION.

UM, I MADE $10 MILLION LAST NIGHT.

PLAYING OTHER PEOPLE'S SONGS?

HEY, I ADDED BEEPS AND BOOPS.

[ SQUISH ] I'M NOT TAKING NO FOR AN ANSWER.

LET'S SEE THAT AOKI HOT SAUCE.

[ GRUNTS ]

[ GRUNTS ]

[ GRUNTS ]

COME ON, MAN. I THROW SHEET CAKES.

I CAN'T THROW A SPORTS BALL.

WHAT IF WE GET YOU A SHEET CAKE SHAPED LIKE A SPORTS BALL?

[ GRUNTS ]

NOW LET'S TRY IT WITH CUPCAKES.

Man: NOW PITCHING FOR YOUR LOS ANGELES DODGERS,

STEVE AOKI.

THE DODGERS MUST REALLY BELIEVE IN THIS AOKI KID

TO PUT HIM IN THE NINTH WITH BASES LOADED

AND A WORLD SERIES BERTH ON THE LINE.

AND AOKI FALLS BEHIND IN THE COUNT 3-0. [ BUZZ ]

THE DODGERS ARE REALLY IN TROUBLE.

YOU GOT TO LET ME DO THIS MY WAY.

THERE'S NO RULE AGAINST IT.

[ INSPIRATIONAL MUSIC PLAYS ]

[ GRUNTS ]

[ CROWD GASPS ]

IT'S BACK, WAY BACK!

THAT CAKE IS GONE!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

HOME RUN!

DODGERS LOSE!

I'M A FAILURE.

WE LOST.

NO, STEVE. LOOK.

[ CHEERING ]

IT'S WHAT I WAS BORN TO DO.

♪♪

WE NOW RETURN TO MARVEL'S "AGENTS OF S.H.I.E.L.D."

THIS NEW THREAT COULD KILL MILLIONS OF INNOCENT PEOPLE.

YOU BETTER CALL NICK FURY.

FURY'S UNAVAILABLE.

I'M SURE TONY STARK COULD HELP US.

HE'S OUT OF THE COUNTRY.

WELL, THOR WOULD BE MORE THAN POWERFUL ENOUGH TO --

NO, HE'S IN SPACE.

MAYBE CAPTAIN AMERICA. BOLIVIA.

HAWKEYE? GONE DARK.

BLACK WIDOW. ALSO BOLIVIA.

WELL, MAYBE THE HULK. DENTIST.

ANT-MAN? SIX FLAGS.

SCARLET WITCH. SPIN CLASS AT 3:00.

QUICKSILVER? YES!

OH, NO, WAIT. HE'S DEAD.

NEXT WEEK ON MARVEL'S "AGENTS OF S.H.I.E.L.D."...

[ SOARING ]

IRON MAN JUST FLEW BY!

OH, CAN I SEE?

YOU KNOW WHAT, JUST TAKE MY WORD FOR IT.

MR. THORNBERRY, YOUR NATURE DOCUMENTARIES

USED TO BE OUR BREAD AND BUTTER HERE AT DISCOVERY CHANNEL,

BUT LATELY WE'VE HAD A...

HOW DO YOU SAY, PHILOSOPHICAL SHIFT.

[ British accent ] WELL, THOSE AREN'T EDUCATIONAL AT ALL.

YOU'RE THE DISCOVERY CHANNEL.

WHERE -- WHERE'S THE DISCOVERY?

DISCOVERING THAT PEOPLE ARE HUMAN GARBAGE?

SORRY, THORNBERRY.

BRING ME A SHOW I CAN AIR OR BEAT IT.

WE JUST HAVE TO INVENT A SERIES

THAT WILL BLOW THE NETWORK'S DOORS OFF.

UGH!

I DON'T WANT TO MAKE A NEW SERIES!

TRAVELING AROUND THE WORLD

MAKING NATURE DOCUMENTARIES IS STUPID.

DEBBIE, LET ME LAY A LITTLE TRUTH ON YOU.

SEX WITH YOUR FATHER

IS LIKE GETTING FUCKED WITH A DEAD FISH,

AND PUTTING THE FAMILY IN CONSTANT DANGER

IS THE ONLY WAY I GET WET.

NEW SHOW. [ CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY ]

YAY.

SMASHING!

HELLO!

I'M NIGEL THORNBERRY.

MY FAMILY AND I LOVE TO GET WILD.

WILD AS FUCK

OFF YOU GO.

AAH!

YOU SON OF A BITCH!

AAAAAH!

WE ARE A FAMILY OF NUDISTS SURVIVING IN DARKEST AFRICA

ARMED ONLY WITH OUR WITS.

[ ANIMALS GROWLING ]

AND FLAME THROWERS.

IT'S ABOUT CONSERVATION AND PROTECTING THE ENVIRONMENT.

Eliza: IN WHAT WAY?

I'M STARVING!

WHAT'S FOR DINNER?

TARANTULAS.

ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS?

CONTRARY TO POPULAR BELIEF,

TARANTULA VENOM ISN'T FATAL TO HUMANS.

DUH.

JESUS! WHY?

IT'S ABOUT CONSERVATION AND PROTECTING THE ENVIRONMENT.

[ Muffled ] SMASHING!

OH, YOU CAN REALLY TASTE THE...HAIRS.

Eliza: AND LATER THIS SEASON ON

"THORNBERRYS: WILD AS FUCK"...

THIS IS A CRIME AGAINST NATURE!

IT'S PART OF THE LOCAL CULTURE, SWEETIE.

YES, THAT'S RIGHT.

BLIP, BLOP.

CONSERVATION, PROTECTING THE ENVIRONMENT.

WELL, WHAT DO YOU THINK?

THORNBERRY, YOUR NEW SHOW IS MORALLY BANKRUPT

AND UTTERLY DEVOID OF EDUCATIONAL CONTENT.

IN OTHER WORDS,

IT'S THE PERFECT SHOW FOR DISCOVERY CHANNEL.

CAPITAL!

AND IT'S REALLY MADE ME THINK ABOUT

WHAT I'M DOING WITH MY LIFE.

[ GRUNTS ]

WHOO-HOO!

[ SPLAT ] [ CAR ALARM WAILING ]

OH, MY GOD!

NOW, THAT IS WILD AS FUCK

♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK

♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK

♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK-A-WAWK WAWK BAWK BAWK ♪

♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK

♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK

♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK-A-WAWK WAWK BAWK BAWK ♪

♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK

♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK

♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK-A-WAWK WAWK BAWK BAWK ♪

BA-GAWK! BAWK.