Original subtitles

♪♪

[ EVIL LAUGHTER ]

[ WHIRRING ]

♪♪

IT'S ALIVE!

♪♪

[ THUNDER RUMBLES ]

♪♪

[ BEEPING ]

OKAY, AAAHH!!! REAL MONSTERS,

GIVE ME THE BEST WAYS TO SCARE PEOPLE.

I HIDE UNDER THE BED.

I SPRING OUT OF CLOSETS.

I TICKLE CHILDREN'S BRAINS TO INDUCE NIGHTMARES.

NEW GIRL, HOW DO YOU SCARE PEOPLE?

I USE MISE EN SCèNE.

UH...WHAT?

YOU KNOW, THE MOVING IMAGE, FILM.

YOU SCARE PEOPLE WITH... A MOVIE?

IT KILLS... EVERY TIME.

THAT'S SO STUPID.

IS 96% ON ROTTEN TOMATOES STUPID?

WOW, THAT REALLY IS A GOOD A SCORE!

I'VE GOT TO SEE THIS FLICK.

YOU SHOULD TOTALLY CHECK IT OUT.

AAAAH! WHAT IS THAT?

I SHOULD REALLY TRANSFER THIS TO DVD.

HULK DEMAND YOU REMOVE UNWARRANTED CHARGES

FROM HULK'S CABLE BILL!

HULK NOT ORDER "BEAN GOBBLERS" VOLUME 7 THROUGH 31

AND VOLUME 33 THROUGH 39!

[ Woman speaks indistinctly ]

WHAT?! [ Speaks indistinctly ]

YOU -- YOU BELIEVE HULK?!

[ Speaks indistinctly ]

UH...THANK YOU.

HULK SORRY HULK YELLED.

♪♪

AAAAH! WHAT?!

WHAT IS IT?! WHAT IS IT?!

OH, MY GOSH! A SPIDER!

JESUS, RAMONA, I THOUGHT YOU BROKE YOUR LEG OR SOMETHING.

WHY THE HELL WOULD ANYONE SCREAM LIKE THAT OVER A STUPID --

[ BOTH SCREAMING ]

MA-- MATTHEW?

[ Distorted ] MATTHEW IS NO MORE.

I HAVE TAKEN CONTROL OF HIS BRAIN.

NO!

RAMONA, WATCH THIS.

NO-O-O-O-O-O-O-O!

THAT'S PRETTY FUNNY. NOW TWERK.

[ DANCE MUSIC PLAYING ]

YES, PLEASE.

HI, I'M THE GRIZZLY MAN, AND I LOVE BEARS.

HI, BEAR! [ GROWLS ]

BACK AT YOU!

EVER SINCE I WATCHED YOGI BEAR CARTOONS AS A CHILD,

I'VE BEEN OBSESSED WITH PUTTING MYSELF COSTUMES ON BEARS.

[ GROWLS ] GOOD LUCK PULLING THAT HAT OFF.

I STAPLED IT ON. [ LAUGHS ]

DON'T WORRY.

ACCORDING TO MY RESEARCH,

BEARS DON'T HAVE FEELINGS IN THEIR SKULLS.

AW, DOESN'T BOO-BOO LOOK CHARMING,

JUST LIKE A LITTLE URKEL.

[ BEARS GROWLING ]

OH, MY GOD, IT'S FINALLY HAPPENING.

THEY'RE JUMPING ME IN.

I'M GONNA BE A FULL-FLEDGED BEAR!

YIPPEE! [ GROWLING CONTINUES ]

AAAAAH!

[ SCREAMING ]

OH, MY SKULL!

[ WHIMSICAL MUSIC PLAYS ]

YOU GONNA LEARN WHAT HAPPENS TO CLOWNS WHO TRY TO RUN!

YOU, I WANT YOU TO DO IT!

I'D RATHER YOU DO IT.

[ INHALES, EXHALES DEEPLY ]

[ SOBBING ]

AAH, THIS IS GONNA STAIN.

[ EERIE MUSIC PLAYS ]

HI, SAMARA, THIS IS BOB DOWN AT VIDEO TRANSFER HOUSE.

YOUR DVD COPIES WILL BE READY FOR PICK-UP THIS AFTERNOON.

SAMARA: Seven days.

UH, NO, I SAID TODAY.

THEY'LL BE READY TODAY.

[ SCREAMS ]

I DECIDED TO PICK THEM UP NOW.

I THREW IN A DIGITAL COPY FOR FREE.

[ GROANS ]

THANK YOU.

WE USED TO SAY THAT ECCENTRIC, SPIRITED PEOPLE

SUCH AS YOURSELF WERE JUST SILLY, PERHAPS IMMATURE,

OR, SHALL WE SAY, GOOFY.

[ LAUGHS ] YEAH!

BUT NOW WE KNOW IT'S AUTISM.

GARSH!

HEY!

[ APPLAUSE ] RALPH, STOP JUGGLING KNIVES.

MAYBE YOU DON'T HAVE A FUTURE, BUT I'M GONNA DIRECT MOVIES.

OR LOSE ALL OF YOUR HAIR.

OR LOSE ALL OF MY -- HEY!

AAH!

OH, GOD! RALPH! NO!

NEVER FEAR, THE FONZ IS HERE.

[ LAUGHTER ] BUT HE'S DEAD, FONZ.

BUT I CAN TURN WOMEN ON.

I CAN TURN THE JUKEBOX ON.

I CAN TURN THINGS ON.

[ APPLAUSE ]

AH! HEY!

[ SNARLS ]

WHOA! LOOKS LIKE I WAS R-R-R-R--

R-R-R-R--

I FUCKED UP.

[ SCREAMS ] AAAH!

[ ALL SNARLING ]

I'LL CALM THEM DOWN WITH MY GORGEOUS SINGING VOICE.

♪ WHO'S MY BABY

[ GROWLS ]

FONZIE, YOU HAVE TO DO SOMETHING.

I TURN THINGS ON.

I NEVER TRIED TURNING THEM OFF.

WE'RE GONNA DIE, FONZ!

[ ROCK MUSIC PLAYS ] OH, YOU'RE SHARK BAIT.

[ GROWLING, SNARLING ]

[ APPLAUSE ]

FONZ, YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO TURN ME OFF.

[ AUDIENCE AWWS ] BUT I L--

I L-L-L-L--

[ Voice breaking ] TURN ME OFF, FONZIE.

[ SOBS ]

[ GAGS ]

I L-L-L-- LOVE YOU. [ SOBS ]

[ LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE ]

♪ I AM THE SOAP, YOU RUB ME ALL OVER YOUR SKIN ♪

♪ TOUCH YOUR FACE AND ALSO YOUR BUTT ♪

♪ LICK, LICK, LICK, LICK, LICK, LICK ♪

[ MOANING ]

HEAR YE! HEAR YE!

BELL FOR SALE!

TWO BUCKS!

AND SOLD.

DID YOU SEE THAT CAT RIDE THAT ROOMBA?

THE INTERNET'S REALLY FULFILLED ITS PROMISES

OF TRANSFORMATIVE TECHNOLOGY!

EH, SHUT THE FUCK UP, ASSHOLE.

HEY, WHAT'S THIS?

[ EERIE MUSIC PLAYING ]

BORING!BORING!

[ CAT MEOWS ]

[ BOTH LAUGH, CELLPHONE RINGS ]

HELLO? SAMARA: Keep watching the video.

WHO IS THIS? WHAT ARE YOU, LIKE, THE NSA?

It's a high-quality DVD transfer.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, DICK-FART?

Watch it... and die in seven days!

LOOK, YOU'RE STUPID, AND YOUR STUPID VIDEO IS STUPID!

I'M GONNA GIVE IT A THUMBS-DOWN SO NOBODY WATCHES.

Don't!

I need the ad-sharing money!

WHO WAS THAT? IT WAS YOUR MOM.

SHE SAID HER MOUTH FELT LONELY WITHOUT MY COCK IN IT.

OH, DID SHE SAY WHAT TIME SHE'S PICKING ME UP?

[ BOTH SCREAM ]

[ CAT YOWLS ]

[ INDISTINCT SHOUTING ] AHH!

WOW, ANOTHER NIGHT OF SUPERHEROES

AND SEXUALIZING TEENAGERS!

I WISH I WAS ON THE C.W.

THAT WOULD BE SO COOL.

SO COOL.

I MIGHT WANT TO SEE A DOCTOR ABOUT POTENTIAL NARCOLEPSY.

[ SNORES ]

WOW, THE ARSENAL COSTUME.

[ GASPS ] I MUST BE ON "ARROW"!

AND THERE'S THE STAR OF "ARROW", THE ARROW!

ARSENAL, STICK TO THE MISSION.

WE NEED TO TAKE OUT THOSE GUARDS IF WE'RE GONNA RESCUE FELICITY.

COOL, SO IS THIS SEASON ONE,

WHERE YOU KILL EVERY MOTHER FUCKER WITH A PULSE?

OR SEASON TWO OR THREE,

WHERE YOU JUST GIVE PEOPLE CRIPPLING INJURIES

THAT WILL MAKE EVERY DAY OF THE REST OF THEIR LIVES

A HELL ON EARTH?

I'M NOT A KILLER. I KNOW THAT NOW.

GOT IT -- INJURIES, HELL ON EARTH, ET CETERA.

NONLETHAL, NONLETHAL -- ZING!

AH! WHOOPS.

OKAY, I CAN DO THIS. ZING!

AH! I SAID NO KILLING!

HENCHMEN EYES ARE LIKE ARROW MAGNETS.

I GOT THIS. ZING!

OW!

YES!

CONSIDER HIM INCAPACITATED.

OH, MY GOD! MY FEMORAL ARTERY!

BOY, THE HUMAN BODY IS COMPLICATED.

WHERE AM I? WHAT -- WHAT SHOW AM I ON?

[ GASPS ] IS "THE 100"?

VINCENT, IS THAT YOU?

OH, MY GOSH.

I MUST BE ON "BEAUTY AND THE BEAST".

HELLO THERE, BELLE.

BELLE? I AM CAT!

CAT, BELLE, ALL THAT MATTERS IS I LOVE YOU.

I LOVE YOU, TOO. EVER SINCE I FIRST MET YOU.

AND WE SANG THAT SONG WITH THAT TEAPOT.

AND YOU SAVED ME FROM THE MURDERERS

WHO BUTCHERED MY PARENTS.

WHOA. OH, NO! YOU'RE CHANGING!

UH, YES, THE LAST PETAL OF THE MAGIC ROSE...

WAS THAT THE CODENAME OF THE DNA SUPERSOLDIER PROGRAM

IN AFGHANISTAN THAT MUTATED YOU?

WOW, THIS SHOW KIND OF KICKS ASS.

YOU'RE TURNING INTO THAT HORRIBLE MONSTER AGAIN!

THIS IS GONNA BE AWESOME!

[ GROANS ]

WELL, THIS SEEMS LIKE A REALLY LIVEABLE AFFLICTION.

OH, RAVISH ME, YOU MONSTER!

SIRI, REMIND ME TO DVR THE HELL OUT OF "BEAUTY AND THE BEAST".

OH, COME ON. OBEASTUS INTERRUPTUS.

S.T.A.R. LABS?

OH, MY GOSH. I'M ON "THE FLASH".

OH, MY GOSH. I AM THE FLASH!

OH, MY GOSH.

IT'S ED FROM "ED"! WHAT?

NO, BARRY, IT'S ME.

DR. HARRISON WELLS.

LISTEN, YOU NEED TO FOCUS YOUR SPEED IN ORDER TO --

BANK ROBBERY AT THE CORNER OF PEREZ AND WOLFMAN.

IT'S NEXT TO JIM LEE BOULEVARD.

YES, NERD UNITE!

THIS IS AWESOME! WAIT, WHERE THE HELL AM I GOING?

I'VE NEVER BEEN TO THIS CITY BEFORE.

I THINK I WANT THE 101 NORTH,

BUT THAT ON-RAMP SAID 101 EAST AND 101 WEST.

IS 101 NORTH ALSO 101 WEST?

WHY WOULD THEY DO THAT?

WHOA. I DID NOT WANT THE 101 WEST.

YES! THE FLASH IS HERE TO S--

OKAY, I MIGHT BE A LITTLE LATE.

Barry!

Barry, did you stop the robbery?

[ CHUCKLES ] FALSE ALARM.

YOU'RE STILL TOO FAT!

BUT ALL I DO IS SMOKE CIGARETTES AND DRINK CHOCOLATE IPECAC.

I'M SORRY, BUT YOU ARE NO LONGER IN THE RUNNING

TO BE AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL.

JUST POINT ME TO THE NEAREST ARBY'S.

MY STOMACH IS LIKE [GROWLS].

HEY, I WONDER WHAT SHOW I'M GOING TO BE ON NEXT.

OOH-HOO-HOO-HOO, THAT SOUNDS SEXY.

OH, MY GOSH. I'M PREGNANT?

YOU'RE ACTUALLY WELL INTO YOUR THIRD TRIMESTER.

BUT I CAN'T BE PREGNANT. I'M A VIRGIN!

WE CAN FIX THAT.

[ CLOCK TICKING ]

THERE WE GO.

I STILL DON'T KNOW HOW I GOT PREGNANT.

I'M A DUDE!

SORRY, I DON'T TALK TO SLUTS.

[ SNORTS ] HUH?

WOW, I JUST HAD THE MOST AMAZING DREAM...

AND YOU WERE THERE AND YOU AND YOU.

YES.

WE'VE BEEN STANDING HERE FOR HALF AN HOUR.

THIS IS ACTUALLY YOUR MAKE-A-WISH VISIT.

WHAT?

AWW, DANG IT.

♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK

♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK

♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK-A-WAWK WAWK BAWK BAWK ♪

♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK

♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK

♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK-A-WAWK WAWK BAWK BAWK ♪

♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK

♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK

♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK-A-WAWK WAWK BAWK BAWK ♪

BA-GAWK! BAWK.

[ DANCE MUSIC PLAYING ]