Original subtitles

[ THUNDER CRASHING ] [ DRILLING, SAWING ]

[ ELECTRICITY CRACKLING ] IT'S ALIVE!

[ THUNDER CRASHES ] [ LAUGHS EVILLY ]

[ SMOOCH! ] [ LAUGHS EVILLY ]

WHOO-HOOOO!

YAAAAAY!

AAAAH!

ARRGH!

THAT TREE JUST CAME OUT OF -- OHHH, MAN!

SHIT! SHE'S NOT BR-- ALL RIGHT, NOW.

LET'S FUCK] IT.

YOU WERE DRIVING!

[ CRIES ] TIME TO MAKE THE DONUTS.

[ ZIPPER OPENS ] EGH!

EGHH!

AND SOON IT'LL BE TIME TO GLAZE THEM.

BOP IT!

TWIST IT!

PULL IT!

BEND IT!

FLIP IT!

EXTEND IT!

LOAD IT!

WHAT?

LOAD IT!

COCK IT!

[ GUN COCKS ] READ IT!

"YOUR TARGET IS SENATOR CARLTON McDOUGALL.

THE 15th FLOOR OF THE GILMORE BUILDING WILL

PROVIDE AN UNOBSTRUCTED VANTAGE POINT..."?

MEMORIZE IT!

BURN IT!

[ BREATHING SHAKILY ] AIM IT!

KILL IT!

KILL IT!

KILL IT!

SQUEEZE IT!

I CAN'T. I CAN'T DO IT.

SQUEEZE IT!

SQUEEZE IT!

[ GUNSHOT ] AAHHHH!

GOD, HELP ME.

BEAT IT! HOOF IT! BOOK IT!

WHO ARE YOU?!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!

FAKE IT!

I-I WAS PLAYING WITH MY TOY.

I-I-I WANT MY MOMMY.

WHY IS YOUR TOY SMOKING?

END IT!

KID!

GIMME THAT BOP IT!, KID!

LET ME GO!

IS THE MASTERMIND BEHIND THE ASSASSINATION IN THE COURTROOM

TODAY?

ZIP IT!

[ SPECTATORS GASP ] [ ZIPPER OPENS ]

SUCK IT.

DAMN IT!

FROM THE MAKERS OF "LES MISéRABLES" COMES ANOTHER

STORY OF A PRISONER IN NEED OF REDEMPTION.

♪ HAVE MERCY, MY LORD ♪ I'M NOT A MAN OF VIOLENCE

♪ I STOLE BIG MACS TO FEED MY FAMILY ♪

SILENCE!

♪ FROM THIS DAY ON, TO BRING YOU SHAME ♪

♪ YOUR CRIME, HAMBURGLAR, SHALL BE YOUR NAME ♪

NOOOOOOOOO!

♪ YES, THAT'S YOUR NAME ♪ THERE'S NO WAY TO ESCAPE

THIS ♪ ♪ AND YOU'RE FRENCH FRY KILLER

♪ AND YOU'RE THE NUGGET RAPIST A POULTRY IN NEED OF HOPE.

Together: ♪ BY THE TIME THIS DAY ENDS, THIS ONE WILL DO

NICELY ♪ ♪ 'CAUSE A BIRD ON THE GRILL IS

WORTH TWO IN THE HAND ♪ ♪ YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE A

FRIEND TO ALL IN McDONALDLAND ♪ ♪ YOU'RE A FOOD THAT I SERVE

FRIED TO BILLIONS WORLDWIDE ♪ ♪ SO YOU KINDA SHOULDA SEEN THIS

COMING ♪ Together: ♪ BY THE TIME THE

DAY ENDS ♪ NOOOOO!

EVERY PERFORMANCE RIVETING.

♪ I HAD A DREAM THAT I WOULD BE MORE THAN A NUGGET MADE FOR

DIPPING ♪ ♪ I PROMISE I WILL SAVE YOUR

CHILD ♪ ♪ AND KEEP HER HERE AMONG THE

LIVING ♪ ♪ THERE'S SO MUCH HOPE IN MY

HEART -- ♪ UGGH!

OH, GOD!

[ SIZZLING ] EVERY LINE OF DIALOGUE SUNG.

NOW, WHO WILL RISE?

Together: WHAT?

[ CLEARS THROAT ] I MEAN...

♪ WHO WILL RISE [ TOWNSPEOPLE CHEERING ]

[ INDISTINCT YELLING, FIGHTING ] [ SLURPING ]

NO! PLEASE, STOP SUCKING!

NO, NO, NOOOOOOO!

HAH!

[ SWORDS CLINKING ] ARGH!

ROBBLE, ROBBLE!

"LES MISéROBBLE ROBBLE."

THE VELOCIRAPTOR CAGES ARE OPEN!

[ Australian accent ] THEY'RE THE MOST DANGEROUS DINOSAURS OF

ALL.

THEY ATTACK IN COORDINATED FORMATIONS.

MY GOD!

WHERE DID THEY LEARN THAT?

AND A 5, 6, 7, 8!

FIRST VELOCIRAPTOR -- GOOD!

SECOND VELOCIRAPTOR -- YES!

THIRD VELOCIRAPTOR!

THIRD VELOCIRAPTOR?

THIRD VELOCIRAPTOR!!

OH. IS THAT ME?

YES, KRYSTAL.

YOU WERE LATE AGAIN.

CAN SOMEONE GET ME A PETRIFIED MOSQUITO WITH THE DNA OF A

DINOSAUR WITH SOME GODDAMN RHYTHM?!

I'LL LEARN IT!

YEAH? YOU BETTER.

OH!

AND, BARTHOLOMEW, SAVE SOME PARK ENGINEER FOR THE REST OF US.

DO YOU WANT TO BE FED TO A T. REX?

'CAUSE YOU LOOK LIKE A COW!

WHY ARE YOU SO MEAN?!

OHHHH!

I'M MEAN?

GOOD ONE, KRYSTAL.

CLEVER GIRL.

FROM THE TOP, VELOCITARDS!

AND NOW BACK TO "YOU CAN'T DO THAT ON FLASHDANCE."

[ DANCE MUSIC PLAYS ] [ CREAK! ]

[ SPLAT! ] [ AUDIENCE CHEERING ]

[ SIREN WAILING ] [ WARBLING ]

DID YOU HEAR THAT?

[ Laughing ] EASY, BABE.

IT'S NOT GHOSTS.

WE PROBABLY JUST LEFT THE STEREO ON.

[ EERIE BUZZING ] FINE. I'LL CHECK IT OUT.

WHOA! LOOK AT THIS!

THEY JUST FLOAT IN MIDAIR.

THEY'RE SO LIGHT...AND TASTY.

DON'T YOU EAT THOSE DEMON PELLETS!

THE GHOST ARE TRYING TO DRAW YOU IN!

BABE, RELAX.

I'M IN TOTAL CONTROL.

[ HIGH-PITCHED SIREN WAILING ] [ WOCKA! WOCKA! WOCKA! WOCKA! ]

PAC!

PAC, OPEN UP! PAC, BABY!

I CAN'T GET IN! PAC!

AAAAAAAH!

[ Demonic voice ] THERE IS NO MORE PAC.

[ LAUGHS EVILLY ] STAY AWAY!

AAAAAAAAAAH!

[ PAC-MAN DYING NOISE ] [ STATIC ]

[ ALL SCREAMING ] NEVER FEAR, FOR IT IS I,

SUPER GROVER!

RAWR!

OW! OW! OW!

RAWR!

MY GOD!

BLERGH!

WHO ARE YOU?

DEAR GOD!

PLEASE STOP HITTING ME!

OW!

MY VAGINA'S ABOUT TO SPLAT OUT AN ENTIRE HUMAN BEING!

[ FARTS ] EWWWW!

[ FARTING ] JOSEPH!

UGHHHH!

UGH!

[ STATIC ] HELLO, DAD!

LOOKS LIKE YOU REALLY SCREWED THE POOCH, HUH?

WELL, AT LEAST YOU'RE STILL IN A GOOD MOOD ABOUT THINGS.

OH, SHOULD I SET YOU FREE?

HMMM.

NAHHH!

YOU KNOW, I ALWAYS WONDERED ABOUT THAT OPTICAL SCANNER.

I BET IT UNLOCKS SOME REALLY NEAT STUFF.

[ Singsong voice ] ONLY ONE WAY TO FIND OUT.

[ BEEPING ] YOU WERE REALLY ONTO SOMETHING

WITH THAT CYBERNETIC CHICKEN, BUT YOU ALWAYS LACKED A CERTAIN

VISION.

[ CHUCKLES MANIACALLY ] [ SAD MUSIC PLAYS ]

SPECTATORS HAVE ALREADY LINED THE RUNWAY IN ANTICIPATION OF

BILLIONAIRE THOMAS TULL'S RETURN FROM DEEP SPACE.

BREAKING NEWS -- PRESIDENT OBAMA HAS BEEN TAKEN

HOSTAGE.

DETAILS ARE STILL UNCLEAR, BUT W--

[ STATIC ]

HELLO, AMERICA!

VERY PLEASED TO MEET YOU!

OH! WHAT'S MY NAME?

MY NAME IS GUY YOU'RE GOING TO PAY $100 BILLION!

[ MUFFLED SPEAKING ] THE UNITED STATES DOESN'T PAY

RANSOMS, NOT EVEN FOR A PRESIDENT.

OH, THEY MIGHT NOT PAY FOR A PRESIDENT -- NO, NO -- BUT HOW

ABOUT ALL THE PRESIDENTS?

WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO -- KILL US?

WORSE.

[ BEEP ] [ FARTS ]

EWWW!

[ FARTING ] MY GOD!

DON'T DO THIS!

HEH HEH HEH HEH HEH.

PAY THE MAN!

PAY HIM WHATEVER HE -- [ STATIC ]

OH! WHAT'S MY NAME?

BAWK-KAW!

[ WHIRRING ] BAWK!

BAWK-BAWK-BAWK-BA?

BEH. BAWK-BAWK-BAWK-BEH!

[ ACTION MUSIC PLAYS ] [ FARTING ]

THERE'S NO PLOT.

IT'S JUST POP-CULTURE REFERENCES I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

MAKE IT STOP!

WELL, IT'S EITHER THIS, OR I FORCE YOU GUYS TO DO KIND OF A

HUMAN-CENTIPEDE DEALIE.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU MEAN.

NO, NO, I'M PICKING UP WHAT HE'S LAYING DOWN.

[ FARTING ] BA-GAWK!

[ NECK CRACKS ] WELL, WELL.

I WONDERED WHEN YOU'D JOIN THE PARTY.

DARK MEAT, I NEED YOU!

WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU JUST SAY TO ME?

[ ENGINE WHIRRING ] [ Robotic voice ] BAWK, BAWK.

OH.

THAT EVIL CHICKEN'S NAME IS "DARK MEAT."

WINNER, WINNER!

CHICKEN DINNER!

BAWK, BAWK, BA-GAWK.

[ BOTH SQUAWKING ] BAWK. BAWK. BAWK.

BAWK, BAWK, BA-GAWK.

[ GASPS ]

[ ELECTRICITY CRACKLING ] [ BEEPING ]

[ WHIRRING ] [ GLASS BREAKING ]

BAWK, BAWK, B-- TIME FOR PLAN "B."

I AM MORALLY OPPOSED TO PLAN "B."

I AM SEXUALLY AROUSED BY ALL THIS TALK ABOUT PLAN "B."

YOU KNOW, I FIGURED -- WHY STOP WITH CHICKENS?

MEET CYBORG RACCOON!

[ SCREECHES ] ROBOT WHITE-TAILED DEER!

ROBOT HOMELESS PERSON!

#RoboHobo!

I'VE LIVED TOO LONG.

[ Robotic voice ] I HAVE NO FREE WILL!

UGH!

BA-GAWK!

[ CRASH ] AAAAH!

I DON'T WANNA DO THIS!

I HAVE YOU NOW!

[ ELECTRICITY CRACKLES ] BAWK, BAWK.

[ ALARM BLARING ] [ RAPID BEEPING ]

[ GASPS ] OHHHH!

AAAAH!

BAWK. BAWK.

UGH! OOH!

BAAAWK!

BAWK.

OW!

UGH!

UGH!

AAH! OW!

SO, UH, WE STILL DOING THIS CENTIPEDE THING, OR WHAT?

WELL, LOOKS LIKE IT'S TIME TO FARM THE NUTS.

AGGGGGGGH!

NO! NOOOOOOOO!

JOSEPH!

NO! NO! NOOOO!

[ CRASH ]

♪ BAWK-BAWK-BAWK-A-WAWK ♪ BAWK-BAWK-BAWK-BAWK-BAWK-BAWK

♪ BAWK-BAWK-BAWK-BAWK-BAWK A-WAWK ♪

♪ BAWK-BAWK-BAWK-BAWK-BAWK-BAWK ♪ BAWK-BAWK-BAWK-BAWK-BAWK

A-WAWK ♪