Original subtitles

[ THUNDER CRASHES ] [ LAUGHS EVILLY ]

[ SAWING ] [ ELECTRICITY CRACKLES ]

IT'S ALIVE!

[ THUNDER CRASHES ] [ LAUGHS EVILLY ]

[ SMOOCH! ] [ LAUGHS EVILLY ]

[ INSECTS CHIRPING ] HONEY, WHY DON'T YOU JUST TRY

COUNTING SHEEP?

DOES THAT REALLY WORK?

JUST GIVE IT A TRY.

[ SIGHS ] 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6...

[ SHEEP BLEATING ] ...7, 8, 9, 10!

MOVE IT, SHEEP! JUMP, JUMP!

LISTEN UP.

YOU HAVE ONE JOB -- TO HELP HUMANS FALL ASLEEP.

FAIL AND WE'LL TURN YOUR ASSES INTO LAMB CHOPS!

11, YOU'RE LATE!

[ Bleating ] MY NAME IS SAMUEL.

NOW, LET THAT BE A LESSON TO ALL YOU --

MY NAME IS SAMUEL.

MY NAME IS SAMUEL.

MY NAME IS SAMUEL!

WHAT THE THE FUCK ALL RIGHT, STAY -- STAY BACK!

STAY BACK!

[ SCREAMING ] [ YAWNS ]

HEY, HOW'D YOU SLEEP?

EH, FINE.

[ BOTH GRUNTING ] YOU'RE PRETTY GOOD, MISTY.

BETTER THAN YOU, ASH.

OH, DARN!

ASH! WHY HAVE WE BEEN PLAYING TENNIS WITH A POKéBALL?

PIKACHU PISSED ON MY RUG.

[ GROANING ] DAMN RIGHT.

[ SINGING OPERATICALLY ] [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

HOLD MY OAKLEYS!

HUH!

NO, NO, NO, NO!

[ VACUUM CLEANER RUNS ] GET YOUR PENIS OUT OF THE

VACUUM CLEANER.

[ VACUUM CLEANER SHUTS OFF ] FAMILY, AFTER NEARLY KILLING

YOU ON A SKI TRIP TO THE HIMALAYAS, I SAVED YOUR LIVES BY

GIVING EACH OF YOU BIONIC IMPLANTS.

LET'S USE THESE COOL NEW POWERS AS THE BIONIC SIX!

[ ALL CHEERING ] UH, HON, MAYBE WE SHOULD BE

GRATEFUL WE'RE ALIVE AND NOT -- THE BIONIC SIX!

OPEN WIDE!

YOU JUST GOT EIGHTY-BIONIC-SIXED!

[ GRUNTS ] DAD, TURNS OUT HITTING HOMERS

ISN'T A SUPERPOWER.

AAH!

BIONIC FIVE!

ERIC?

UH, HIS CODE NAME IS SPORTS-1.

HE'S OUR SON AND HE'S DEAD, YOU ASSHOLE!

WE'RE GETTING A DIVORCE.

BIONIC FOUR!

HYAH!

[ GUNFIRE ] BIONIC THREE!

YOU KILLED MY BROTHER!

AAH!

BIONIC TWO!

WE NEVER HAD ANY TRAINING!

[ GROANS ] BIONIC ONE!

ONLY NOW DO I SEE THAT BIONICS SOLVE NOTHING.

I AM OUT OF WORK!

IT IS EVERY PARENT'S WORST NIGHTMARE TO OUTLIVE THEIR

CHILD.

I WILL TREASURE EACH OF THE YEARS I HAD WITH MY SWEET,

BELOVED ANDREW.

HOLD MY OAKLEYS, BRAH.

ANDREW WAS WAY TOO PUSSY TO SURF A WAVE LIKE THIS.

YEAH!

I'M SORRY, PROFESSOR DUMBLEDORE.

THIS CURSE IS AT STAGE 4.

YOU ONLY HAVE SIX MONTHS TO LIVE.

[ SIGHS ] BUT TRY TO LOOK ON THE BRIGHT

SIDE.

YOU'RE A HIGHLY EDUCATED WIZARD.

I'M SURE YOU'VE DONE SOMETHING REALLY GREAT WITH YOUR LIFE.

I TEACH HIGH SCHOOL.

OH. WELL, I'LL LEAVE YOU ALONE TO CRY.

[ DOOR OPENS ] SCALPUS BADASSUS.

[ TWINKLE! TWINKLE! TWINKLE! ] [ "BREAKING BAD"-LIKE

THEME PLAYS ] WE WILL CREATE A MONEY-MAKING

POTION TO FUND YOUR WAR WITH VOLDEMORT LONG AFTER I'M GONE.

WOLFSBANE, FLUXWEED, 20 PACKAGES OF SUDAFED?

THIS SOUNDS LIKE THE DARK ARTS.

IT'S WHAT YOUR PARENTS WOULD'VE WANTED, HARRY.

I'LL DO IT!

WELL DONE, MS. GRANGER.

YOUR BATCH IS 99% PURE.

AND MR. WEASLEY...

OH, NO! RON!

THE MOST USELESS OF OUR TRIO!

RELAX, HERMIONE.

UNTRAINED STUDENTS MIXING POTENTIALLY FATAL POTIONS ARE NO

BIG DEAL AT HOGWARTS.

SEE? HE'S PERF-- OH, MY GOD!

[ THUD ] CHILDREN, HAVE YOU LEARNED

NOTHING FROM YOUR ANNUAL NEAR-DEATH ADVENTURES?

MAGIC HEALS ANYTHING.

MAKES IT HARD TO CARE ABOUT THE CONSEQUENCES, FRANKLY.

HE'LL BE GOOD AS NEW!

[ INSECTS CHIRPING ] [ HUMMING ]

I DON'T THINK SO, HARRY.

PROFESSOR SNAPE SAID HE WOULDN'T DRINK YOUR POTIONS WITH

BEA ARTHUR'S DICK.

YEAH.

YEAH, COME ON.

QUICK! USE THE MAGIC WORDS DUMBLEDORE GAVE US!

Both: THE FIRST TASTE IS FREE!

YOU KNOW, I ALWAYS THOUGHT BEA ARTHUR WAS ATTRACTIVE.

OKAY, CLASS.

AS YOU KNOW FROM YOUR READING, A HYDRA'S TEMPERATURE CAN ONLY BE

TAKEN RECTALLY.

ANY VOLUNTEERS?

CHILDREN? BY MERLIN'S MERKIN!

[ MUMBLING ] HAGRID IS GOING TO BLOW THE

LID OFF OUR ENTIRE OPERATION, PROFESSOR!

I KNEW HIRING A 12-FOOT-TALL MONGOLOID WOULD BITE ME IN THE

ASS ONE DAY.

I'M ON IT.

I'M HOME, FANG!

COME HERE, BOY!

[ BEEPING ] FANG!

I DID IT!

NOW I CAN...

[ GROANS ] I GOT HIT WITH A STRAY SHELL.

SEEMS KIND OF ARBITRARY AFTER SUCH A TIGHTLY PLOTTED RISE TO

INFAMY.

[ ROCK MUSIC PLAYING ] [ BANJO PLAYING ]

ONE MAN CAN BE PRETTY DUMB SOMETIMES, BUT FOR REAL

BONA FIDE STUPIDITY, THERE AIN'T NOTHING CAN BEAT TEAMWORK.

[ CHAIR CREAKS ]

[ PATRIOTIC MUSIC PLAYS ]

[ STRAINING ] [ SQUEAK! POP! SPLAT! ]

ANOTHER PERFECT GIRAFFE!

OH, NO.

THAT'S TOO GOOD TO WASTE.

HEY, WHERE'S THAT BIRTHDAY BOY?

[ BABY CRYING ] CAN -- CAN I HOLD MY BABY?

YOU CAN HOLD YOUR BABY'S OAKLEYS.

[ HARD-ROCK MUSIC PLAYS, CROWD CHEERING ]

[ BLEATS ] I FINALLY FIGURED OUT WHAT'S

WRONG WITH YOU, OTIS -- MALE COWS DON'T HAVE UDDERS.

UH, RIGHT.

AND NEITHER DO I.

I WAS BORN A HERMAPHRODITE?

I, UH...

OH, SWEET CUD. I'M A GIRL.

YOU GOT ME.

[ LAUGHTER ] OH, MY GOD.

WAS THAT A STRAP-ON OR -- OH, WAS THAT YOUR HOOF?!

WHAT? YOU WANT TO HATE ME FOR PRETENDING TO BE SOMETHING I'M

NOT?

FINE.

THEN, ABBY, COWS DON'T HAVE BLOND HAIR!

[ ALL GASP ] AND, BESSIE, COWS CAN'T WALK ON

TWO LEGS.

OUR KNEES SHOULD EXPLODE UNDER THIS MUCH WEIGHT.

OW!

[ BOTH SCREAM ] FANTASY LOOKS PRETTY GOOD

NOW, HUH, YOU JUDGMENTAL BITCHES?!

[ WHISTLE! ] MY BALLS!

[ WHOOSH! ] MY VAGINA!

AM I DOING THIS WRONG?

I THINK I'M DOING THIS WRONG.

DEAR MOTHER, I TAKE PEN IN HAND TO INFORM YOU THAT, TODAY,

YOUR SON, PRIVATE PIZZA, BECAME A KILLER.

OUR PLATOON WAS ON DAWN PATROL WHEN THE ENEMY HIT US.

AMBUSH! WE GOT A-- BULLETS STARTED FLYING AND, IN

THAT MOMENT, I COULDN'T TELL MY FELLOW KITCHEN COMMANDOS

APART FROM OUR ENEMY, THE REFRIGERATOR REJECTS.

I FELT POWERLESS, UNTIL I SAW THAT GREASY BASTARD KILLING

MAJOR MUNCH.

A RAGE OVERTOOK ME, AND I GAVE THAT FRIED FREAK A CLOSED-CASKET

FUNERAL.

I CAN'T REMEMBER WHY WE FIGHT ANYMORE.

I PRAY THAT SOMEDAY THIS WAR ENDS, A DAY WHEN THERE IS NO

MEAT DRAWER, NO VEGGIE CRISPER, JUST FOOD AND FOOD ALIKE IN ONE

FRIDGE, TOGETHER.

UNTIL THAT DAY, I AM YOUR SON, PRIVATE PIZZA, 1st BATTALION,

KITCHEN COMMANDOS.

AAH!

SUICIDE TACO! GET DOWN!

[ COUGHS ] [ Weakly ] NOBODY WINS...

[ COUGHS ] ...IN A FOOD FIGHT.

LET US BEGIN THIS JOURNEY FOR THE ROMAN CATHOLIC CHURCH.

LET US ALLOW GAYS TO MARRY AND MAYBE SHUT UP ONCE IN A WHILE

ABOUT ABORTION.

HOLD MY OAKLEYS.

HEY!

AAH!

SO, RAPUNZEL, DOES THE CARPET MATCH THE DRAPES?

MM, YOU TELL ME.

YOU JUST CLIMBED UP THE CARPET.

COBRA HAS DEVELOPED A MIND-CONTROL ENERGY DRINK.

IT EVEN LOOKS AND SMELLS LIKE ASPARAGUS PISS, JUST LIKE THE

REAL THING.

COBRA IS GIVING IT AWAY AT THE X GAMES, SO -- NEVER THOUGHT I'D

SAY THIS -- THIS IS A MISSION FOR G.I. JOE...

EXTREME.

All: EXTREME!

[ SIGHS ] BALLISTIC, GRAB THE

MOUNTAIN DEW!

METAL-HEAD, CRANK UP THE SMASH MOUTH!

SO, DUKE, I GOT TO ASK -- WHY DOES G.I. JOE HAVE A UNIT FOR

EXTREME TASKS?

EH, IT WAS THE '90s.

HARPOON, TALK TO THE HAND!

NOT!

[ ENGINE REVS ] [ HORN HONKS ]

DO I SPY A NINJA WITH BLEACHED BLOND HAIR?

IT'S FROSTED TIPS, BRAH!

I'M BUSTIN' MOVES, EXTREME STYLE!

GO-GURT!

REMEMBER, YOU'RE UNDERCOVER.

DON'T CALL ATTENTION TO YOURSELVES.

YOU HEARD THE BRO!

CHILLAX, YOU ALLY McBEALS!

OH, YOU SON OF A -- TAKE IT EASY, BOSS.

[ HORN HONKS ] LISTEN UP, FELLOW YOUTH.

SNAKEBITE ENERGY DRINKS ARE NOT COOL!

[ WHISPERS ] OR DOPE.

[ SEA GULL SQUAWKS ] I AM SOLD!

IT'S IRONIC VIRAL MARKETING!

LET'S GET A SNAKEBITE!

DON'T WORRY, DAWG.

I GOT THIS.

WHO WANTS IN? PRETTY SICK, HUH?

I GOT DEVIL STICKS, TOO.

[ SEA GULL SQUAWKS ] LET'S GET A SNAKEBITE!

NO FEAR!

NO! WE GOT TO TAKE IT TO THE EXTREME!

BLACK DRAGON?

WHO WANTS TO SEE SOME GNARLY SHREDDING?

UH, THAT'S A STEEP HALF-PIPE.

WHERE'S THAT NINJA'S HELMET?

DON'T NEED ONE.

HOMEY'S GOT FROSTED TIPS!

SAY NO TO SNAKEBITE ENERGY DRINK!

SHOW ME THE MONEY!

[ CRACK! SPLAT! ] [ SEA GULL SQUAWKS ]

WELL, TIME FOR THE MOST EXTREME OPTION!

TARGET MY LOCATION.

LET THE DOGS OUT.

OH, MY GOSH.

DID YOU CALL AN AIR STRIKE ON US?

[ TIRES SQUEAL ] WELL, SEEMS A LITTLE --

SAY IT!

EXTREME.

[ BOMB WHISTLING ] DUE TO YOUR EXTREME

NEGLIGENCE...

All: EXTREME!

...YOU ARE SENTENCED TO DEATH.

[ SINGING IN SPANISH ] ♪ HEY, MARICOPA

[ SINGING IN SPANISH ] ♪ HEY, MARICOPA