Original subtitles

[ THUNDER CRASHES ] [ LAUGHS EVILLY ]

[ SAWING ] [ ELECTRICITY CRACKLES ]

IT'S ALIVE!

[ THUNDER CRASHES ] [ LAUGHS EVILLY ]

[ SMOOCH! ] [ LAUGHS EVILLY ]

[ WHIMSICAL MUSIC PLAYS ] OFF TO NEVERLAND!

COME ON, NANA!

[ BELL JINGLES ] [ BARKING ]

[ STRAINED BARKING ] [ BARKING STOPS ]

[ CHILDREN LAUGHING ] YAY!

NOW, FANTASTIC FOOLS, YOU SHALL FEEL THE WRATH OF DOOM!

SHEESH, DOOM, WHY THE HECK ARE YOU SO GROUCHY ALL THE TIME?

YES! THE FINISHING TOUCH.

NOW THE WORLD WILL TREMBLE WHEN THEY LOOK UPON DR. DOOM!

DR. DOOM, WAIT.

THE MASK IS NOT -- [ SIZZLING ]

AAH!

SWEET LORD IN HEAVEN!

OH, WAIT.

THE MASK IS UPSIDE DOWN.

HOLD STILL, DOCTOR.

A-A-A-A-AAH!

OKAY, ONCE MORE WITH FEELING.

YOU SONS OF -- [ SIZZLING ]

AAH!

LET US NOT DELAY.

YES, THE CODPIECE REMAINS.

WHAT DID YOU -- DID YOU SAY "CODPIECE"?

AAH!

CLOCK OUT, GUYS!

OH, THE CODPIECE IS UPSIDE DOWN.

WHAT DID YOU -- AAH!

SORRY ABOUT YOUR DICK, DUDE.

YOU'RE GOING TO PRISON, SINESTRO.

All: NO!

WE LOVE HIM!

SORRY, GREEN FOOL.

YOUR RING WON'T AFFECT ANYTHING YELLOW, SO I ADOPTED A BUNCH OF

ASIAN KIDS.

"A," THAT'S INCREDIBLY RACIST, AND, "B," THAT'S NOT HOW

MY RING WORKS.

I KNOW, I KNOW, BUT THE MORE I THOUGHT ABOUT IT, THE MORE I

FELL IN LOVE WITH THE IDEA.

I ADORE THESE LITTLE SCAMPS.

All: WE LOVE YOU, MR. SINESTRO!

OHH, LOOK AT 'EM!

HI.

I'M A CENTAUR -- HALF MAN, HALF HORSE.

PLEASE, DO YOUR PART TO HELP KEEP MY PEOPLE ALIVE.

FUCK A HORSE.

♪ SEXY [ TECHNO MUSIC PLAYS ]

[ HORSE WHINNIES ] ♪ SEXY

♪ HORSES ARE SEXY ♪ YOU SHOULD FUCK A HORSE

♪ HORSES ARE SEXY ♪ YOU SHOULD FUCK A HORSE

RIGHT NOW ♪ ♪ HORSES ARE SEXY

♪ YOU SHOULD FUCK A HORSE ♪ HORSES ARE SEXY

♪ YOU SHOULD FUCK A HORSE RIGHT NOW ♪

♪ SEXY [ HORSE WHINNIES ]

BEAR GRYLLS HERE.

TODAY, I'M GONNA SHOW YOU HOW TO SURVIVE IN A TRULY EXOTIC

ENVIRONMENT.

BEHIND ME ARE MATT DILLON, NEVE CAMPBELL, AND

DENISE RICHARDS FROM THE MOVIE "WILD THINGS."

[ DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS ] WHAT YOU WANT TO DO IS DISTRACT

MATT DILLON BY TALKING ABOUT HOW GOOD HE WAS IN

"DRUGSTORE COWBOY."

THEN YOU FINGER BANG THE GIRLS UNDER THE WATER WHILE THE JETS

HIDE IT ALL.

WHO ARE YOU?

YOU KNOW, YOU WERE JUST INCREDIBLE IN

"DRUGSTORE COWBOY."

OH. [ CHUCKLES ] OH, MY GOSH, THIS IS THE BEST

HOT TUB EVER.

OOH, I'M REALLY BRANCHING OUT FROM TV!

AND REMEMBER, A BIRD IN THE HAND IS WORTH A HAND IN TWO

BUSHES.

[ BOTH MOANING ] DR. STONE TO HOUSTON IN THE

BLIND.

IS ANYONE THERE? PLEASE?

PLEASE, YOU'RE MY ONLY HOPE.

Hey, it's time for Dick Wax and The Fridge...

♪ In the morning [ Boing! ]

HELLO?

CAN YOU HEAR ME?

Hey, hot tits.

You're on with Dick Wax and The Fridge.

LISTEN, I'M AN ASTRONAUT STRANDED IN SPACE.

A-ACTUALLY, I'M MORE OF A MEDICAL DOCTOR THAN AN ASTRONAUT

WHO, SOME WOULD SAY, HAD NO BUSINESS UP HERE IN THE FIRST

PLACE.

Uh-oh, sounds like someone's a little cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs!

I'd let her suck on my Cocoa Puffs.

Oh, The Fridge, you son of a bitch!

LISTEN!

MY NAME IS DR. RYAN STONE.

I NEED TO REACH NASA.

[ British accent ] Well, my name is Margaret Thatcher, and I

need some balls in my mouth.

SHUT THE FUCK UP, YOU MORONS!

Easy there, Dr. Bone.

[ Boing! ] We'll connect you with NASA if

you can name the famous singer who had a nip slip yesterday.

I DON'T KNOW.

I'VE BEEN IN SPACE THIS WHOLE WEEK.

Unh, unh, unh!

No nip slip, no NASA.

FINE.

WAS IT...BEYONCé?

It was Beyoncé!

You know your nip slips!

We'll connect you with NASA now.

[ Telephone rings ] NASA headquarters. Houston.

OH, THANK GOD.

THIS IS DR. RYA-- Boom!

You just got Fridged!

[ Toilet flushes ] OH FUCK IT.

[ ALARMS BLARING ] [ TIRES SQUEAL ]

YOU ARE DEAD, ASSHOLE!

OH, YEAH?

AAH, LIKE A GOOD NEIGHBOR, STATE FARM IS THERE!

WITH STATE FARM'S -- PEACE!

WH-WHAT?

[ GRUNTS ] YOU MESSED WITH THE WRONG GUY!

AAH!

WE'LL BE HOLDING AN ELECTION TO DETERMINE PAPA SMURF'S SECOND

IN COMMAND, AND SINCE I'M THE SMARTEST, I KNOW YOU'LL BE

CHOOSING ME.

[ PUNCH LANDS ] [ WHISTLE! ]

[ GRUNTS, GROANS ] [ Southern accent ] THIS IS

NOTHING SHORT OF BETRAYAL.

THESE BLUE BUFFOONS HAVE NO IDEA WITH WHOM THEY'RE TRIFLING.

HELL, THEY DON'T EVEN REALIZE I'VE LANDED ON MY HEAD SO MANY

TIMES, I'VE LOST MY MORAL COMPASS AND NOW SPEAK WITH A

SOUTHERN ACCENT.

[ DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS ] NOW TO SMURF THE PAWNS ON THE

SMURFING BOARD.

BRAINY SMURF?

[ Normal voice ] I SIMPLY HAD TO EXPRESS MY ADMIRATION TO YOU,

GARGAMEL.

EVEN THOUGH YOUR VILLAINOUS PLOTS THREATEN MY PEOPLE, I'VE

ALWAYS APPRECIATED THEIR CUNNING.

WOW.

I-I DIDN'T REALIZE HOW MUCH I [SNIFFLES] NEEDED TO HEAR THAT.

I ONLY WISH THERE WAS SOMEONE THAT COULD HELP YOU SUCCEED BY

GIVING YOU THE LOCATION OF SMURF VILLAGE.

[ Southern accent ] AND NOW IN THREE, TWO, ONE.

WAIT!

YOU COULD TELL ME.

SMURFMATE.

[ Normal voice ] MY DEAR, IT APPEARS I'VE SEDUCED YOU.

AND NOW I WANT A FAVOR.

GEE, I DON'T KNOW IF I SHOULD HELP YOU, BRAINY.

OHH!

OH, MY.

OH, SMURF IT.

SMURF IT RIGHT....THERE.

[ INHALES DEEPLY ] OH, IT'S SO GOOD.

[ Southern accent ] WELL, WHAT DID YOU EXPECT?

THIS IS NOT NETFLIX.

[ Normal voice ] LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE HAD A SECRET PAST LIFE,

HANDY SMURF.

I -- IT'S NOT MY FAULT!

MY NAME IS LITERALLY SLANG FOR "HAND JOB."

IT TOOK ME YEARS BEFORE I FIGURED OUT THE WHOLE HANDYMAN

ANGLE.

AS LONG AS YOU BUILD THE INVENTION WE DISCUSSED, NO ONE

WILL BE THE WISER.

OH, GOD.

[ SOBBING ] THE VOTES ARE IN, AND

PAPA SMURF'S NEW SECOND IN COMMAND IS...[GASPS]

HEFTY SMURF!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] OH, HE'S JUST SO HOT.

AT LAST!

I KILLED A GERIATRIC, FOUR-INCH GNOME!

"LEAST LIKELY TO SUCCEED," MY ASS, CLASS OF '53, HUH?

[ CANNON COCKS ] ARE YOU DOUBLE-CROSSING --

[ MACHINE-GUN FIRE ] AAH!

UH, B-B-BRAINY DID IT!

HE SAVED US.

I DEMAND WE REDO THE VOTE.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] AND SO, AFTER A RUNOFF VOTE,

I AM HONORED TO ANNOUNCE THAT PAPA SMURF'S SECOND IN COMMAND

IS...

HEFTY?!

YOU JUST CAN'T ARGUE WITH HOW HOT HE IS.

[ Southern accent ] IMPOSSIBLE!

I PLAYED THE GAME PERFECTLY.

I -- ACTUALLY, YOU KNOW WHAT?

HE PRETTY HOT.

AS A NEANDERTHAL, MY BRAIN IS WAY BIGGER THAN ALL YOU

HOMO ERECTUS.

OKAY, OOG.

DON'T HAVE TO KEEP BRAGGING HOW GREAT YOU ARE.

I THINK I DO.

YO, UG, DURG, PLAY THEM ROCKS.

[ XYLOPHONE MUSIC PLAYS ] [ Rapping ] ♪ UNH

♪ AH ♪ MY NAME IS OOG

♪ SPELL IT OUT ♪ O-O-G, THAT'S ORIGINAL

ORIGINAL GANGSTA, SEE? ♪ ♪ I'M NEXT ON THE EVOLUTIONARY

TREE ♪ ♪ YOUR BRAIN'S THE SIZE

OF A CHIMPANZEE ♪ [ CHUCKLES ]

♪ MY HUNTING SKILLS ARE SO FABULOUS ♪

♪ I MAKE HOMO ERECTUS LOOK LIKE HOMO HABILIS ♪

All: OHH!

♪ I SPIT THE HOT FIRE 'CAUSE I INVENTED FIRE ♪

♪ THEN I ATE THE FIRE, AND IT BURNED MY MOUTH ♪

♪ SO I SCREAMED REAL LOUD AND SPAT OUT THE FIRE ♪

♪ MY ADVICE ♪ YO, DON'T EAT THE FIRE

♪ CHECK OUT MY CAVE ART, HORSES AND BISON ♪

♪ HERE'S ME AND YOUR MAMA ♪ THAT DETAIL IS FLY, SON

♪ YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND MODERN ART AT ALL ♪

♪ YOU WIPE YOUR ASS WITH YOUR HAND AND PRESS IT

ON THE WA-WALL ♪ ♪ SO MANY GIRLS WANT TO RUB

MY STUB ♪ ♪ THEY COME UP TO ME

AND HIT THEMSELVES WITH A CLUB ♪ ♪ I GOT SO MANY CAVE BITCHES

♪ I MAKE RUDIMENTARY TOOLS [ GUNFIRE ]

[ GRUNTS ] HOMO SAPIENS, MOTHERFUCKERS

TODAY WAS SO FUN, BALOO.

I LOVED THAT SONG YOU SANG ABOUT THE BARE NECESSITIES.

AND YOU GET THAT "BARE" NOT ONLY MEANS "BASIC," BUT ALSO

THAT I'M A BEAR, RIGHT?

YES, WE GET THE WORDPLAY.

GOOD NIGHT, BALOO.

GOOD NIGHT, LITTLE BRITCHES.

[ SNORING ] [ DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS ]

WATCH OUT, BALOO.

WHOA!

MY TACOS!

HI, REBECCA.

HI, BALOO.

OOH!

[ VOCALIZING ] [ GASPS ] AAH!

WHAT'S WRONG, BALOO?

OH, I'M HAVING THOSE DREAMS AGAIN ABOUT A LIFE WHERE I FLEW

A PLANE AND ATE TACOS AND SOMETIMES DRESSED IN DRAG,

NOMINALLY TO SOLVE CRIMES BUT MOSTLY BECAUSE I JUST ENJOYED

IT.

[ GROWLS ] THAT'S RIDICULOUS.

YOU'VE ALWAYS BEEN A BEAR IN THE JUNGLE.

[ Hissing ] WHO WANTS TO BE MY DINNER TO-- AAH!

[ GRUNTING ] AAH.

HOW DID YOU DO THAT, BALOO?

I DON'T KNOW.

Both: AAH!

HE'S CATCHING ON.

AGENT 754 IS IN DANGER OF REMEMBERING HIS FORMER LIFE AS A

BUSH PILOT AND C.I.A. ASSET.

LOOKS LIKE OUR PLAN HAS FALLEN INTO A REAL "TaleSpin."

TAILSPIN, REFERRING TO BOTH A PLANE FLYING OUT OF CONTROL AND

A CRAZY STORY.

YEAH, WE GET THE WORDPLAY.

[ JAZZ MUSIC PLAYS ] [ GASPS ]

LOUIE.

[ ELECTRICITY CRACKLES ] YOU'RE THE MISSING PIECE, LOUIE.

AND NOW YOU'RE GONNA TELL ME ABOUT MY FORMER LIFE, YOU DIRTY

FUCKING APE!

YOU MEAN PROJECT BLACKWATER?

HUH?

THEY PUT BLACK DYE IN THE WATER AND FED IT TO THE BEARS IN

THE HOPES THAT IT WOULD ALLOW THEM TO PILOT PLANES.

474 BEARS CRASH-LANDED.

IT WAS TERRIBLY EXPENSIVE.

YOU WERE THE ONLY BEAR THAT KNEW HOW TO READ AN ALTOMETER.

ALTIMETER.

SEE?!

AND NOW THAT YOUR MEMORY'S RETURNED, YOU'RE A DANGER TO

THEM.

THE THINGS YOU KNOW -- [ GUNSHOT ]

[ DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS ] [ GUNSHOT ]

SHOW YOURSELF!

REBECCA?

THAT'S RIGHT.

IT'S ME, BALOO.

I CAN EXPLAIN EVERYTHING, AS LONG AS A BULLET DOESN'T -- AAH!

NO!

IT'S PAYBACK TIME.

DRINK, SIR?

NO, THANKS.

ARE YOU SURE?

IT'S...BLACKWATER.

THIS IS GONNA BE A REAL DRAG, BY WHICH I MEAN IT'LL BE TEDIOUS

AND UNPLEASANT, BUT, ALSO, I AM A MALE WEARING FEMALE GARMENTS.

YEAH, WE GET THE WORDPLAY.

[ GUNSHOT ] [ ALL SCREAMING ]

[ GUNSHOT ]

♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK ♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK

♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK-A-WAWK WAWK BAWK BAWK ♪

♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK ♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK

♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK-A-WAWK WAWK BAWK BAWK ♪

♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK ♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK

♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK-A-WAWK WAWK BAWK BAWK ♪

BA-GAWK! BAWK.