Original subtitles

[ WHIMSICAL MUSIC PLAYS ] >> EVEN ON CLOUDY DAYS,

PASTRYVILLE ALWAYS HAD A RAY OF SUNSHINE, AND HER NAME WAS

GRANNY GRAMCRACKERS.

REMEMBER WHEN SHE KNIT YOUR FAVORITE SCARF,

BLACK CHERRY PIE?

>> I WEAR IT EVERY DAY, RASPBERRY PARFAIT.

>> AND, FUDGE TURNOVER, REMEMBER WHEN SHE FIXED YOUR LEAKY ROOF?

>> SHE GOT HEATSTROKE AND FELL INTO THE HEDGES.

>> While you watched "Tango & Cash" on Netflix!

>> YES.

WHILE I WATCHED "TANGO & CASH" ON NETFLIX.

>> AND, BUTTERMILK BISCUITS, I REMEMBER WHEN GRANNY DROVE YOU

ALL THE WAY TO THE BIG CITY TO GET --

>> NO. NOPE. MNH-MNH.

>> ...YOUR TONSILS OUT?

>> YEAH -- YOUR UNBORN TONSILS.

>> [ CLEARS THROAT ] NOW...THEN...IF THERE ARE NO

MORE SPEAKERS...

GREAT!

THEN, IN CONCLUSION -- [ SPEED-METAL MUSIC PLAYS ]

W-WE WERE JUST WRAPPING UP HERE, BITCH PUDDING.

[ FEEDBACK ] >> I REMEMBER GRANNY.

[ Voice breaking ] I REMEMBER HER SMILE.

I REMEMBER HOW MUCH SHE LOVED BAKING SUGAR COOKIES.

>> All: AHH!

>> BUT MOST OF ALL, I REMEMBER HER RANK-ASS OLD-LADY FARTS.

[ ALL GASP ] >> OH, GOD.

>> THIS BITCH HAD NO SENSE OF SMELL, NO SENSE OF HEARING, SO

ALL DAY LONG, SHE WAS LIKE "PBHT!" "PBHT!" "PBHT!" "PBHT!"

"PBHT!" "PBHHHHHHT--" >> OKAY. [ CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY ]

THAT'S ENOUGH -- >> AND WHEN YOU'RE A HUNDRED

YEARS OLD, I GUESS PANTIES ARE JUST AN AFTERTHOUGHT.

I MEAN, RAISE YOUR HAND IF YOU NEVER SAW GRANNY AIRING OUT THE

ARK OF THE COVENANT.

[ MOURNERS GASP ] I HOP GRANNY IS IN HEAVEN,

BUT SHE HAD A GAMBLING ADDICTION, SO SATAN MIGHT BE

DOING HER UP THE BUTT.

[ MOURNERS GASP ] KNOCK TWICE IF SATAN'S DOING

YOU UP THE BUTT, GRANNY.

[ Old-lady voice ] I LOVE IT UP THE BUTT FROM SATAN, EVERYBODY!

[ Normal voice ] YOU RULE, GRANNY!

[ LAUGHS EVILLY ] [ THUMPING ]

[ MOURNERS GASP ] HA HA!

NOW HIT MY FUCKING THEME SONG!

[ HEAVY-METAL MUSIC PLAYS ] [ MOURNERS GASP, MURMUR ]

>> [ CLEARS THROAT ] NOW, THEN --

>> ♪ DUNH-DUH-DUH-DUNNNNNNH BITCH PUDDIN'.

BLAM!

[ VIDEO-GAME MUSIC PLAYS ] [ CACKLING ]

YEAH, SUCK IT.

>> YOU HAVE SAVED MY VILLAGE!

AAH!

>> YOU MEAN MY VILLAGE.

[ THUNDER CRASHING ] AW!

UNH!

[ Groggily ] AUGH. WHERE...?

>> [ Folksy voice ] OH, SOUNDS LIKE MY CARGO JUST WOKE UP!

>> HEY!

YOU'RE THAT DAMN BIRD THAT DELIVERS OUR MAIL.

>> YOU BET YOUR FEATHERS.

BUT TONIGHT, I'M GETTIN' PAID TO MAKE A SPECIAL DELIVERY.

NEITHER RAIN NOR SLEET NOR SNOW WILL KEEP YOUR ASS OUT OF THAT

VOLCANO.

[ LAUGHS ] ADIOS, BITCH...PUDDING.

GLURK! OOH! AAH!

>> YOU FLYING TURD!

WHO HIRED YOU?

>> [ Choking ] YOU KILL ME, WE BOTH DIE.

>> GOOD POINT, JIZZ CLOTH.

BUT, ON THE OTHER HAND...

>> OW!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!

>> OHHHHHHHH!

FUCKING FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK

OW! OW!

FUCKING FUCK FUCK! OW! OH! OW! OH!

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK! FUCK FUCK FUCKITY FUCK

FUCK OH FUCK FUCK

MOTHERFUCKIN' MOTHERFUCKER!

OW! OW!

FUCK ME!

OH, GOD!

FUCKER FUCKING SHIT OW!

FUCK OHHH!

FUUUUUUUUUCK [ MAGICAL MUSIC PLAYS ]

>> WHO IS SHE?

>> GRANDPAPPY WILL KNOW.

>> PLEASE, STOP TALKING.

YOUR VOICE IS IRRITATING AS SHIT!

>> HOW RUDE!

>> WELL, SHE'S NOT WRONG.

>> WHO IS THAT?

>> WELCOME TO SCHLORPTOWN, STRANGER!

WE ARE THE SCHLORPS.

AND MY NAME IS GRANDPAPPY SCHLORP.

>> ARE YOU IN CHARGE OF THIS SHITHOLE?

>> YOU SEE ANYONE ELSE WITH A BEARD AROUND HERE?

>> WE SHOULD SCHLORP THE "GET TO KNOW YOU" SONG!

[ LAUGHTER ] >> NO.

[ PEPPY MUSIC PLAYS ] >> All: ♪ IF YOU GET TO KNOW ME,

THEN I'LL GET TO KNOW YOU ♪ ♪ ONCE YOU'RE IN MY GROUP,

YOU'RE A FRIEND THROUGH-AND-THROUGH ♪

>> ♪ I'M FISHING POLE SCHLORP, AND I CATCH ALL THE FISH ♪

>> ♪ I'M BASKETBALL SCHLORP ♪ WATCH THIS!

>> All: SWISH!

>> ♪ I'M I.B.S. SCHLORP ♪ YOU'LL FIND ME IN THE STALLS

>> ♪ I'M WINTERTIME SCHLORP ♪ I'M SWEATING OFF MY BALLS

>> ♪ I'M THE SCHLORP WHO COME FROM CHINA ♪

>> ♪ I'M THE SCHLORP WITH A VAGINA ♪

>> ♪ I'M THE SCHLORP WHO PLAYS KAZOO ♪

>> ♪ I'M THE SCHLORP WHO KNOWS KUNG FU ♪

SO SORRY!

>> All: ♪ SO, HOW ABOUT IT, STRANGER ♪

♪ TELL US ALL ABOUT YOU >> ♪ SHUT THE FUCK U-U-UP!

[ DISCORDANT NOTE PLAYS ] [ STOMACH GROWLS ]

>> OH, GOD!

I'M NOT GONNA MAKE IT.

I'M NOT GONNA MAKE IT.

I'M NOT GONNA MAKE IT.

[ FARTS, SQUIRTS ] AW. I DIDN'T MAKE IT.

>> OW, YOU OLD BASTARD!

>> THERE YOU GO. GOOD AS NEW.

AH, SCHLORPETTE.

IS THAT THE SCHLORP NUT SOUP FOR OUR GUEST?

>> YES, BUT THIS IS THE LAST OF OUR SCHLORP NUTS.

THEY'RE ALL GONE.

>> AWW.

THE LAST OF THE SCHLORP NUTS.

AND WITH WINTER ON ITS WAY...

>> [ SLURPS ] THIS TASTES LIKE MOOSE DICK!

[ BOWL SHATTERS ] I GOT TO GO HOME!

SOME ASSHOLE TRIED TO KILL ME, SO THAT ASSHOLE'S GONNA GET MY

BOOT UP HIS ASSHOLE.

>> WITH THE SCHLORP NUTS GONE, OUR VILLAGE FACES STARVATION.

YOU SEE, THE NUTS WERE STOLEN BY THE EVIL SQUIRREL WIZARD ON

ONE TREE HILL.

>> [ SCOFFS ] >> IT WAS CALLED THAT BEFORE THE

SHOW.

>> THIS SQUIRREL SOUNDS LIKE A PUSSY.

>> THEN PERHAPS WE CAN MAKE A DEAL.

>> BRING OUR NUTS HOME AND WE HELP GET YOUR BUTT HOME.

>> [ MOANS LOUDLY ] >> WHO DARES DISTURB THE SA--

>> BLAM!

HAUNGH, HAUNGH, HUNGH!

LICK MY TACO, SQUIRREL WIZARD.

GIVE THOSE DICKS THEIR NUTS BACK!

>> BITCH PUDDING!

THAT'S NOT THE SQUIRREL WIZARD!

>> HUH? WHO THE HELL IS IT?

>> TREVOR? TREVOR?!

OH, MY GOD! TREVOR!

>> HIS LIFE PARTNER.

>> YUH-OH.

>> RRRRRRRRRRAH!

>> AAAAAAH!

>> SQUIRREL ALERT!

SQUIRREL ALERT!

>> RRRRRRRRRGH!

>> OHH!

>> SUCK ON THIS!

SUCK ON THIS!

SUCK ON THIS!

>> OW! OOH! OW!

>> CAN'T STAY. GOTTA GO. BLAM.

>> STAY AND FIGHT, COWARD!

>> AI! AI! AI! AI! AI!

>> WHEW. SAFE.

>> [ GURGLES ] >> OH, SHIT!

THEY'RE GETTING MASSACRED.

WHO CARES ABOUT THOSE PURPLE PECKERS?

THEY NEVER SHOULD HAVE TRUSTED ME.

OR...

OR HELP ME?

>> AND AT THAT MOMENT, BITCH PUDDING'S HEART GREW

THREE SIZES BIGGER.

UH, METAPHORICALLY.

YOU KNOW, YOU'LL JUST HAVE TO TAKE MY WORD FOR IT.

>> DIE, YOU MISERABLE SCHLORPS!

AND WHEN YOU MEET GOD, SLAP THAT MOTHERFUCKER IN THE FACE,

BECAUSE EXISTENCE IS NOTHING BUT HIS CRUEL JOKE ON ALL OF US!

>> SORRY, SPUNK SPONGE!

THE SCHLORPS ARE UNDER MY PROTECTION!

>> [ COUGHS ] >> UH...STARTING NOW!

[ ACTION MUSIC PLAYS ] >> OOH!

>> BLICK!

>> OH!

[ NECK CRACKS ] >> AAH, TREVOR!

PUNCH! PUNCH!

>> BA-BA-BA-BLAM!

>> UNH!

[ Sobbing ] TREVOR!

MY FUZZY LITTLE ANGEL!

JUST DO IT! END ME!

USE ANY DEATH SPELL YOU CHOOSE!

JUST SAY THE MAGIC WORDS AND END MY PAIN!

>> ABRACADABRA.

>> AGH!

>> EAT SHIT.

>> MY SCHLORPS...

GONE. ALL GONE.

>> AS YOUR CHAMPION, A EULOGY IS PROBABLY IN ORDER.

[ CLEARS THROAT ] WHAT CAN BE SAID --

OW!

[ AIRPLANE ENGINE WHIRS ] >> HUH? WHERE? WHAT?

>> ON BEHALF OF "FUCK YOU AIRLINES," GO FUCK YOURSELF.

>> AAAAAAAAAGH!

>> OOOOOH!

UNH! UNH! UNH!

I-I...

I'M...HOME.

WHAT THE FUCK?! >> TOSS BITCH PUDDING IN THE

VOLCANO AND WIN A PRIZE!

>> VOLCANO-FRIED BITCH PUDDING ON A STICK.

>> I HATE YOU, BITCH PUDDIN'!

[ BELL DINGS ] >> THEY WERE ALL IN ON IT!

THE WHOLE TOWN TRIED TO KILL ME?!

>> ♪ SHE MADE OUR LIVES A LIVING HELL ♪

♪ SO NASTY AND SO MEAN ♪ AND WHEN BITCH PUDDING HIT THE

LAVA ♪ ♪ YOU SHOULD HAVE HEARD HER

SCREAM ♪ >> THE FIRST ANNUAL

"BITCH PUDDING IS DEAD" FESTIVAL HAS BEEN A ROUSING SUCCESS!

FOR GENERATIONS TO COME, WE WILL --

[ SNIFFS ] HEY, GUYS, DO YOU SMELL SMOKE?

[ PEOPLE MURMURING ] [ ALL SCREAMING ]

>> OH, SHIT!

>> THE DOOR WON'T OPEN!

[ POUNDING ON DOOR ] >> AAAAAAAH!

ALL TOGETHER, NOW.

>> All: ONE! TWO! THREE!

OH! OH!

[ DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS ] >> BLAM.

[ ALL SCREAMING ] >> [ MOANING ]

>> REMEMBER WHEN I SAID I'D SHOOT YOU LAST?

>> I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO MEMORY OF THAT.

>> MUST HAVE BEEN A FANTASY I HAD WHEN I WAS MASTURBATING.

>> FUCK YOU, BITCH PUDDING.

[ HEAVY-METAL MUSIC PLAYS ] >> SO THAT'S MY STORY.

I PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE DONE A VOICEOVER THROUGH THE WHOLE

THING, BUT I DIDN'T FEEL LIKE IT.

NOW, THE ONLY QUESTION IS...

WHAT DOES THE FUTURE HOLD?

>> BITCH PUDDING.

YOU HAVE BECOME A PART OF A LARGER UNIVERSE.

[ ACTION MUSIC PLAYS ] >> ♪ DUNH-DUH-DUH-DUNNNNNNH

BLAM!

>> WHAT A BITCH.