Original subtitles

[ THUNDER CRASHES ] [ LAUGHS EVILLY ]

[ SAWING ] [ ELECTRICITY CRACKLES ]

IT'S ALIVE!

[ THUNDER CRASHES ] [ LAUGHS EVILLY ]

[ SMOOCH! ] [ LAUGHS EVILLY ]

HUT ONE! HUT TWO! HUT -- AAH!

DOUBLE CROSS, BITCH!

WILSON! I SEE A BOAT!

THERE'S A BOAT COMING THIS WAY!

WE'RE RESCUED!

GO! GO! GO! GO! GO!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

WE ARE HIJACKING YOUR SHIP, CAPTAIN.

CALL YOUR GOVERNMENT AND TELL THEM WE WANT $1 MILLION, OR WE

WILL KILL YOU.

EVERYONE THINKS I'M DEAD ALREADY.

OKAY, THIS IS, UH, CLEARLY A MISTAKE.

AAH!

HOLY CRAP!

IS THAT A BENGAL TIGER?

[ GROWLS ] AAH!

RICHARD PARKER!

WILSON!

RICHARD PARKER!

WILSON!

RICHARD PARKER!

WILSON!!

RICHARD PARKER!!

WELCOME BACK TO BOXING NIGHT HERE IN BANGKOK.

THE CHAMPION IS SAENSAK PAYAKAROON, A PROUD THAI

FIGHTER.

HIS CHALLENGER IS ANOTHER THAI FIGHTER -- TIE FIGHTER.

[ BELL CLANGS ] AND THE BELLS CLANG, AND

PAYAKAROON ADVANCES ON HIS OPPONENT AND LANDS A RIGHT JAB

AND A HOOK, AND NOW ANOTHER SOLID JAB, AND IT DOESN'T SEEM

TO BE FAZING THE EMPIRE STARFIGHTER AT ALL!

IF ANYTHING, PAYAKAROON SEEMS TO BE INJURING HIS OWN HAND,

SHOOTING PUNCHES STRAIGHT INTO THE METAL HULL.

OOH!

AND THERE'S A LASER BLAST FROM THE TIE FIGHTER, AND

PAYAKAROON'S HEAD IS BLOWN CLEAR OFF.

TIE FIGHTER WINS HIS FIRST FIGHT WITH A DECISIVE VICTORY.

THEY ARE TRYING TO ATTACH THE CHAMPIONSHIP BELT TO HIS WAIST,

AND HE DOES NOT LIKE IT!

BABY, I'VE GOT A SECRET, BUT I'M AFRAID TO TELL YOU.

IT'S OKAY, BABY.

YOU JUST SAY IT.

I-I JUST PUT ON THIS FROSTING SO YOU'D LIKE ME.

I'M ACTUALLY A BAGEL.

[ SOBS ] YOU'RE JEWISH?!

KAL-EL.

FATHER?

I'VE PROGRAMMED A HOLOGRAM OF MYSELF TO ASSIST YOU.

GET OUT OF HERE BEFORE GENERAL ZOD ARRIVES.

THANK YOU, FATHER.

LOOKS LIKE YOU'RE EATING TOO MUCH DAIRY, KAL-EL.

DAD! I DON'T NEED YOUR HELP!

YOUR DIGESTIVE TRACT SUGGESTS OTHERWISE.

THAT'S GOING TO BE A TRIPLE WIPE -- MAYBE MORE.

AIM FOR A ONE-WIPER.

TRY TO EAT LESS CHEESE.

UGH! RIDICULOUS!

OH, CLARK.

I THINK I'M READY TO GO ALL THE WAY.

GAME TIME, LOIS.

[ BOTH SMOOCHING ] I'D BEGIN WITH FOREPLAY,

KAL-EL.

WHAT'S GOING ON?!

WHO'S THAT?!

START BY KISSING HER INNER THIGH, THEN SPELL OUT THE

ALPHABET ON HER CLITORIS WITH YOUR TONGUE.

THE KRYPTON ALPHABET, SPECIFICALLY THE LETTER

[BABBLING WILDLY] DAD! THIS IS SO EMBARRASSING!

YOUR DEAD FATHER MAKES SOME GOOD POINTS ABOUT CUNNILINGUS.

THANKS.

JOR-ELCOME.

ARE YOU A HOUSE?

UH, NO.

[ MACHINE BEEPING ] [ DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS ]

FLY WITH ME TO NEVER LAND!

[ CHILDREN LAUGHING ] CHILDREN! NO!

THESE ARE THE LOST BOYS.

THEY'RE NOT VAMPIRES.

[ TELEPHONE RINGS ] WE...HAVE A PHONE?

HELLO?

I don't know who you are.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU WANT.

I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU DRESS LIKE...?

A GAY ROBIN HOOD.

LIKE A GAY ROBIN HOOD.

BUT I HAVE A VERY PARTICULAR SET OF SKILLS THAT MAKE ME A

NIGHTMARE FOR PEOPLE LIKE YOU, BY WHICH I GUESS I MEAN FLYING

GAY ROBIN HOODS.

GOOD LUCK FINDING NEVER LAND, GRANDPA.

[ RECEIVER SLAMS ] OH, WHAT'S HE SAYING?

[ Dial tone ] HE'S SAYING "AHHHHHHHHHHHH."

THAT'S THE DIAL TONE.

DIAL TONE?

THIS IS A VERY OLD PHONE.

HE'S HOLDING YOUR CHILDREN IN WHAT I PRESUME IS AN UNDERGROUND

SEX CLUB CALLED "NEVER LAND."

OH, THANK GOODNESS YOU DO SECURITY WORK FOR BANKERS, LIKE

MYSELF, MR. MILLS.

BUT HOW WILL YOU REACH THE CHILDREN?

THEY WERE FLYING.

I THINK I HEARD THEM SAY SOMETHING ABOUT "THINKING HAPPY

THOUGHTS."

HAPPY THOUGHTS, EH?

NO! NO, PLEASE!

AAH!

WHOO-HOO! OFF I GO!

[ CRASH ] AAH!

UGH!

AAH!

[ FARTS ] I JUST POOPED IN MY TAIL!

WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?

[ FARTS ] I'VE NEVER MET REAL-LIVE

MERMAIDS BEFORE!

OH-HO! THAT'S SO FUN!

LET'S DROWN THIS BITCH.

NO! PLEASE! DON'T!

NO! NO! OH!

WENDY, WHERE ARE YOUR BROTHERS?

THERE! ON THE PIRATE SHIP!

TIME FOR THESE LITTLE CHICKADEES TO WALK THE PLANK!

[ LAUGHS EVILLY ] TICKTOCK. TIME'S UP.

HYAH!

AAAAAAAH!

I'M TAKING YOU HOME, CHILDREN.

NOT SO FAST, YOU OLD CODFISH!

OOH! NAH NAH NAH!

NAH NA-- TINK!

GOOD LUCK GETTING HOME WITHOUT HER FAIRY DUST, ASSHOLE!

WHY WOULD I WANT TO LEAVE WHEN MY HAPPY THOUGHT'S ABOUT TO

COME TRUE?

YOUR WHAT?

OH! NO! NO -- AAH!

OKAY, BUT SERIOUSLY, MAN, HOW THE FUCK ARE WE GETTING

HOME?!

HANG ON.

OH! NO! NO! WAIT!

AAH!

[ HUMMING ] "A BUT TUBA"?

THIS LOOKS LIKE THE WORK OF -- WAS IT A BAT I SAW?

PALINDROME.

I SEE YOU'RE STILL TALKING IN SENTENCES THAT ARE SPELLED THE

SAME FORWARD AND BACKWARD.

WHAT ARE YOU PLANNING?

EVIL I DID DWELL, LEWD I DID LIVE.

TELL ME, WHY DO YOU CONTINUE TO HAUNT GOTHAM, PALINDROME?

MR. OWL ATE MY METAL WORM.

MR. OWL?

I DON'T KNOW MR. OWL!

GO HANG A SALAMI, I'M A LASAGNA HOG.

OVER MY DEAD BODY, PALINDROME.

YAH!

YARG! GOD DAM MAD DOG.

I SHOULD FEED YOU TO THE DOGS.

NO, SIR. PREFER PRISON.

IT'S NOT TOO LATE FOR YOU, PALINDROME.

YOU COULD STILL DO GOOD.

DO GOOD, I? NO!

EVIL ANON I DELIVER, I MAIM NINE MORE HERO MEN IN SAGINAW,

SANITARY SWORD A-TUCK, CAROL, I.

LO! RACK, CAUGHT A DROWSY RAT IN ASWAN.

I GAS NINE MORE HERO MEN IN MIAMI.

REVILED I, NONA, LIVE ON.

I DO -- OH, GOD!

WOW.

THAT WAS IMPRESSIVE.

YAH!

YARG!

LOOK, HONEY! A SHOOTING STAR!

AWW!

DOMINO, MOTHER FUCKER [ MACHINE GUN FIRING ]

Both: AH! AH! AAAAAH!

THANKS FOR THROWING ME A WELCOMING PARTY, COUNT.

I'VE NEVER BEEN TO A PARTY HOSTED BY A VAMPIRE BEFORE.

I DO IT FOR ALL THE NEWCOMERS, ALEX.

AFTER TONIGHT, I GUARANTEE YOU'LL BE...

ONE OF US.

ANH ANH ANH ANH!

[ TECHNO MUSIC PLAYING ] MMM.

MMM.

I GUESS WHEN OUR SHOW'S GUESTS INCLUDE KATY PERRY AND

ICE-T, IT'S A SLIPPERY SLOPE.

WHOO-HOO-HOO!

HEY, GROVER. HI, SNUFFY.

HUH?

OH, NO!

THE COUNT -- H-HE TURNED YOU ALL INTO THE UNDEAD!

IF YOU ASSUMED I WAS A VAMPIRE IN EVERY OTHER WAY BUT

THAT, THEN I COUNT ONE -- ONE MORON.

AAH! AAH! OH, NO!

AAH! OH!

[ DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS ] OH, NICE CHARACTER INTRO.

HOW LONG YOU BEEN WAITIN' HERE WATCHING ME SHIT MYSELF?

GET HIM!

OOH!

AAH!

"S" IS FOR "SEVER."

HA!

FLAWLESS BUILT-IN DEFENSE SYSTEM.

WAIT! W-WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

AAH!

OOF!

I SEE ONE -- ONE DEAD MOTHER-- OH, MY GOODNESS.

THERE'S NOT A SPECK OF BLOOD ON YOU.

WHAT, DO YOU KEEP A PACK OF HANDI WIPES IN THAT FLAK JACKET?

NO. JUST THIS.

ONE. TWO -- STOP COUNTING.

THAT WAS A PLAY-BY-PLAY.

I JUST PISSED AND SHIT IN MY OWN PANTS.

AAH!

[ CHOKING ] WOW.

SO, I GUESS IF YOU'VE HUNTED ALL THE WAY TO SESAME STREET, YOU

MUST HAVE GOTTEN EVERY VAMPIRE IN THE WORLD.

NOT QUITE.

WHO WANTS SOME OF MY COUNT CHOCULA CEREAL?

WHICH, IF LOOKED AT FROM A VERY SPECIFIC POINT OF VIEW, IS A

NUTRITIOUS PART OF THIS BALANCED BREAKFAST.

[ SHOTGUN COCKS ] YOU!

ALMOST DONE THERE, DOC?

JUST A SECOND, MR. PETERSON.

I...

YES, I AM DONE.

I'D LIKE TO DO FURTHER TESTS, BUT I --

MY WATCH!

YOINK!

[ Nerdy voice ] WHAT'S GOING ON?

[ Nerdy voice ] THEY ANNOUNCED THE PREMIERE DATE FOR

"STAR WARS: EPISODE VII."

IT'S GONNA BE SO COOL!

YEAH. IT'S SO COOL.

♪ I SHOULD BE HAPPY ABOUT "STAR WARS" ♪

♪ BUT JUST LIKE BLUE MILK, I FEEL BLUE ♪

♪ 'CAUSE WHAT IF IT'S A MESS? ♪ I CAN'T HELP BUT OBSESS

♪ ABOUT ALL THE HORRIBLE CRAP THEY COULD DO ♪

♪ THEY COULD GIVE LIGHTSABERS TO EWOKS ♪

♪ MAKE BOBA FETT HAVE A TALKING DOG FRIEND ♪

VOICED BY EDDIE MURPHY.

HEH HEH HEH HEH...

♪ PRODUCT PLACEMENT WOULD BE SAD ♪

♪ PLOT TWIST, LUKE IS HIS OWN DAD ♪

I'LL NEVER JOIN ME!

♪ AND EVERYONE HIGH-FIVES IN THE END ♪

All: YEAH! DON'T DO DRUGS!

♪ THEY COULD SAVE ALL OF THE WOOKIEES ♪

♪ AND DRESS THEM UP IN BUSINESS SUITS ♪

♪ ACKBAR SAID... IT'S A RAP!

♪ AND THEN HE STARTS TO RAP ♪ AND HAN SAYS A CATCHPHRASE

WHEN HE SHOOTS ♪ OH, DID I DO THAT?

♪ OH, I'VE BEEN BURNED SO MANY TIMES BEFORE ♪

♪ GREEN LANTERN, PROMETHEUS, 2 GIRLS 1 CUP ♪

♪ BUT "STAR WARS" IS THE ONE THAT I MOST ADORE ♪

♪ PLEASE, J.J., DON'T FUCK THIS UP ♪

All: ♪ U-U-U-U-U-U-U-U-UP [ VOMITS ]

♪ I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S REAL ANYMORE ♪

♪ "STAR WARS" HAS BECOME MY SAD FIXATION ♪

♪ MOM WANTED ME TO BE A SURGEON ♪

♪ I'M 26 AND STILL A -- comic collector.

OHHHH!

♪ BUT NEVER MIND ♪ THESE MOVIES COULD BE

AWESOME ♪ ♪ A MILLION FORCE GHOSTS GOING

ON A KILLING SPREE ♪ ♪ GIANT SPACE WORMS EVERYWHERE

♪ CHEWIE'S GROWN BACK ALL HIS HAIR ♪

♪ I'LL CAMP OUT FOR A WHOLE YEAR JUST TO SEE ♪

♪ "STAR WARS: EPISODE VII" SHOT IN IMAX AND 3-D ♪

AND STARRING ME AS LUKE SKYWALKER'S FAVORITE SON,

WHO GETS THE BEST STUFF, LIKE LIGHTSABERS MADE OF GOLD!

♪ AND FINALLY HAS SEX [ ALL CHEER ]

♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK ♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK

♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK-A-WAWK WAWK BAWK BAWK ♪

♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK ♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK

♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK-A-WAWK WAWK BAWK BAWK ♪

♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK ♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK

♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK-A-WAWK WAWK BAWK BAWK ♪

BA-GAWK! BAWK.

WILSON!

RICHARD PARKER!

WILSON!

RICHARD PARKER!

WILSON!

RICHARD PARKER!