Original subtitles

[ THUNDER CRASHES ] [ LAUGHS EVILLY ]

[ SAWING ] [ ELECTRICITY CRACKLES ]

IT'S ALIVE!

[ THUNDER CRASHES ] [ LAUGHS EVILLY ]

[ SMOOCH! ] [ LAUGHS EVILLY ]

CAPTAIN von TRAPP, THE HILLS ARE ALIVE!

WITH THE SOUND OF MUSIC.

YES, MARIA, I KNOW.

NO, YOU FOOL!

THE HILLS ARE ALIVE!

[ BOTH GROWLING ]

AUTOBOTS, WE MUST DEFEAT MEGATRON.

[ FANFARE PLAYS ] WE ARE THE ZYBOTS!

WE CAN ALSO TRANSFORM.

LET US HELP YOU FIGHT.

UH...

BRAVE ZYBOTS, I AM 100% SURE YOU WOULD DIE.

OKAY!

WELL, THANKS FOR YOUR TIME.

THAT WAS JUST SAD.

WHEW! SORRY I'M LATE.

UH, WHO ARE YOU?

I'M -- I'M AN -- I'M AN AUTOBOT LIKE YOU.

MY NAME IS AUTOBOT...JOHNSON.

YOU LOOK EXACTLY LIKE THE ZYBOTS WE JUST SPOKE TO HASTILY

COBBLED TOGETHER TO FORM A BIGGER, WEIRDER ZYBOT.

UH, OKAY.

WHO HIRED THIS GUY?

OH, SHIT!

GIVE ME A SECOND HERE.

UGH! JUST ONE SECOND!

AAH! UGH!

THERE.

IF YOU'RE AN AUTOBOT, THEN TRANSFORM WITH LOUD, SHOWY

NOISES.

YOU BET!

KEE-KAH! KHWAH!

[ ALL GROANING ] TRUE TALK -- WE LIED.

BUT WE DON'T NEED YOUR PERMISSION.

WE'LL FIGHT MEGATRON ALL BY OURSELVES.

MEGATRON, MEET THE ZYBOTS!

NOT THE ZYBOTS!

AAH!

AAAAAAAAAH!

WE DID IT.

WE DID IT!

WE DID I-I-I-I-T!

MEGATRON, WHAT THE FUCK BRO?!

OH, THOSE GUYS WERE CUTE.

THEY REALLY LOOKED LIKE THEY NEEDED A "W."

WHERE IS HE, MARJORY?

I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.

YOU'VE BEEN CHEATING ON ME WITH ONE OF THESE?!

UNH! ONCE YOU GO QR CODE, YOU NEVER TAKE ANOTHER BARCODE LOAD.

[ ALL GRUNTING ] YOU DO REALIZE CHANGING FACES

HAS ZERO RELEVANCE TO COMBAT, RIGHT?

WELL, MY FIST IS VERY RELEVANT.

[ WATCH BEEPS ] AH, I GOT TO JET, GUYS.

MY PLAY IS OPENING TONIGHT!

RUBBER BABY BUGGY BUMPERS.

RUBBER BABY BUGGY BUMPERS!

I CAN'T BELIEVE HE'S LEAVING US FOR HIS ACTING BULLSHIT.

LET'S CRASH HIS PLAY AND YELL, "YOU SUCK!" AT

INAPPROPRIATE MOMENTS.

HEY, WHAT THE FUCK GUYS?

AAH! FUCK YOU GUYS!

[ LAUGHS ]

WHAT A DOUCHEBLAST.

THOUGH CURSED WITH A MONSTER'S FACE, YOU,

CATHERINE -- YOU'VE SEEN THE MAN INSIDE.

HOW IRONIC THAT THEY SAY LOVE IS BLIND, BECAUSE IT TOOK LOVE TO

OPEN MY EYES.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] HE'S BRILLIANT!

WE HAD NO IDEA YOU WERE SO TALENTED, MAN.

HI, THERE. HERB SCHWARTZ.

YOU, SIR, ARE GONNA BE A STAR.

"MY HUSBAND IS ALSO A ROBOT" IS FILMED BEFORE A LIVE STUDIO

AUDIENCE.

STEVE, IT'S YOUR NIGHT TO DO THE DISHES.

[ Robotic voice ] "DISHES" DOES NOT COMPUTE.

MY DIRECTIVE IS TO WATCH FOOTBALL.

[ WAH-WAH! ]

THAT STUNT YOU PULLED ON THE

SUBWAY COST THE CITY $18 MILLION IN DAMAGES!

WHICH ONE OF YOU WANTS TO EXPLAIN WHAT HAPPENED?!

Both: NOT IT!

AND THE BEST ACTOR OSCAR GOES TO MAN-E-FACES FOR "REACHING

INTO DARKNESS: THE STORY OF HELEN KELLER'S FATHER,

ARTHUR KELLER."

[ Sobbing ] OH, WHY?!

WHY IS MY DAUGHTER'S HAND WET?!

WHO PUT WATER ON MY DAUGHTER'S HAND?!

WHAT'S NEXT?

SHOW ME THE NEW FACE.

BUT I ONLY HAVE THREE.

WHAT THE HELL, MAN?

YOUR NAME SHOULD BE "TWO-MORE-FACES."

[ Sobbing ] OH, I'M SO FUCKED!

I SIGNED A 95-PICTURE DEAL.

"MR. MONSTER GOES TO FART SCHOOL" IS YET ANOTHER REHEATED

PIECE OF DOG CRAP FROM MAN-E-FACES.

DON'T GET TOO DOWN.

I LOVE "MR. MONSTER GOES TO FART SCHOOL."

REALLY?

NO, MAN.

YOU FART LIKE A HACK.

THIS IS BUCKY O'HARE, REQUESTING TO LAND ON

MOONPORT 4-5.

ONE SEC. GOT TO MATE AGAIN.

[ GRUNTING IN DISTANCE ] MY APOLOGIES.

REQUESTING TO LAND -- WHOOPS.

MATIN' TIME.

WARNING. WARNING. WARNING.

[ ALARM BLARING ] [ GRUNTING IN DISTANCE ]

[ BOOM! ]

[ UP-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS ]

DAD, IT'S YOUR SON -- SAM!

DAD, WHY DID WE LEAVE THE ELECTRICITY RUNNING IN AN ARCADE

WE CLOSED 20 YEARS AGO WHEN YOU DISAPPEARED?!

EH, COULDN'T HURT.

[ WHIRRING ] OHH! IT DOES HURT!

I WAS TOTALLY WRONG!

I'M SO STUPI-- AAAH! AAAH!

AAAAH! OHHH! OHH.

WH-WHERE AM I?

YOU'RE IN THE DIGITAL WORLD, LIKE A GAME GRID BUT ON PCP!

I'M KOROMON, A DIGIMON!

DIGIVOLVE ME INTO A LITTLE YELLOW DINOSAUR AND WE CAN --

AAAAAAAAH!

DAD?! DA-A-A-A-D!

[ ALL MURMURING EXCITEDLY ] SAM! IS THAT REALLY YOU?

DID YOU CREATE THIS WORLD?!

IT'S AMAZING!

I TRIED TO KILL MYSELF, BUT THEY WON'T LET ME DIE!

I CURSE JESUS' NAME, SON!

I HATE GOD SO VERY, VERY MUCH!

I FOUND YOU, DAD!

THAT'S WHAT MATTERS!

I HAD SEX WITH THEM!

TOKOMON WAS THE MOST GENTLE, BUT I SAY THAT WITHIN THE CONTEXT OF

IT BEING TERRIBLE!

SHIT, DAD! THAT IS GROSS!

BUT YOU'RE HERE NOW!

WE CAN FIGURE A WAY OUT TOGETHER!

BEFORE I CAME HERE, I TOLD THE ELECTRIC COMPANY TO TURN THE

POWER OFF!

THIS WHOLE PLACE IS ABOUT TO DE-REZ!

[ ALL CRYING ] SON, IT IS STILL A SWEET

RELEASE.

AT LAST, I'LL KNOW PEACE.

OHH!

THIS ISN'T PEACEFUL AT ALL!

OH, MY GOD!

REMEMBER, SEX ED IS A SAFE PLACE TO ASK QUESTIONS WITH NO

JUDGMENT.

YES?

YOU HAVE A QUESTION, STRETCH?

UH, IS IT NORMAL WHEN YOU TOUCH YOURSELF FOR YOUR PENIS TO

GET LONGER AND SOFTER AND REALLY STRINGY?

BECAUSE MY FRIEND ASKED ME, AND I WAS LIKE, "NO WAY, WEIRDO.

MINE'S NOT LIKE THAT."

UNLESS THAT'S NORMAL.

'CAUSE, YEAH, IT'S NOT TO ME, RIGHT?

UP HIGH!

WOW!

THE TOP OF MOUNT EVEREST!

I DID IT! WHEW!

I'M JUST GONNA TAKE A LITTLE BREAK, MAYBE -- OHHHHHHH!

THE TOP OF MOUNT EVEREST JUST WENT UP MY BUTT!

ALL RIGHT! AWESOME!

PATRONS OF MEDIEVAL TIMES, YOUR CHAMPION, THE BLUE KNIGHT!

MOM, LOOK!

BLUE KNIGHT, YOU'RE MY HERO!

WHY, THANK YOU, SQUIRE!

ALL HAIL THE KING!

ALL HAIL THE KING!

OH FUCK ME.

I LOCKED MY KEYS IN MY CAR.

HEY, YOU HAVE AAA?

NO, I DON'T HAVE AAA!

WHO THE FUCK DO I LOOK LIKE, SCROOGE FUCKING McDUCK?!

JUST TRYING TO HELP.

OH, OH, OH, GOOD. GOOD.

WELL, LET ME HELP YOU.

WHY DON'T YOU GO FIND A DICK -- YEAH -- PUT IT IN BETWEEN TWO

PIECES OF BREAD, AND THEN GO FUCKING EAT IT, YOU FUCKING

RETARD?

[ GRUNTS ] HEY, WINDOW, BLOW ME.

OHHH! OHH! SON OF A BITCH!

OH, MOTHER OF CHRIST!

I JUST BROKE MY HAND!

I DON'T HAVE HEALTH INSURANCE, AND I BROKE MY G.D. HAND!

AHH! THERE!

HA!

[ GRUNTS ] GET THE FUCK OPEN!

OHH.

GET OFF!

OH, I'M FUCKING WET.

[ ENGINE SPUTTERS ] NO GAS?! OH FUCK!

TIME TO PAY IT FORWARD, BUTT MUFFIN.

[ SLURPS ] [ GAGGING ]

OH, THAT'S NASTY!

OH, I JUST DRANK SOME GAS!

[ HAWKS PHLEGM ] [ SPLAT! ]

EW, GROSS!

GET OVER YOURSELF, PRINCESS!

[ ENGINE TURNS OVER, TIRES SCREECH ]

ALL HAIL THE KING!

AAH!

OH, SHIT. I KILLED THAT DUDE.

HE'S DEAD.

WELL, GUESS I'M A RED KNIGHT FAN NOW, MOM.

YEAH. CALL ME "DADDY."

NO!

I WAS TALKING TO HER.

WILL IT BE AN EARLY SPRING OR A LATE WINTER?

ONLY PUNXSUTAWNEY PHIL KNOWS FOR SURE.

[ RUMBLING ] SHIT, SHIT, SHIT, SHIT, SHIT!

GET BACK!

IT'S WINTER -- A WINTER LIKE YOU'VE NEVER SEEN!

RUN, YOU FOOLS!

[ ROARING ]

WHAT'S THAT, BEVERLY?

YOU WANT WESLEY TO WATCH?

MAKE IT SO.

AAH! [ CLEARS THROAT ] 2300 HOURS.

TIME FOR THE NIGHT CREW TO RELIEVE US.

CAPTAIN.

CAPITáN.

[ MID-TEMPO R&B MUSIC PLAYS ] ♪ AW, YEAH!

NIGHT CREW MAY TAKE COURSE.

SPACE -- THE FINAL FRONTIER!

THESE ARE THE 11:00 P.M. TO 7:00 A.M. VOYAGES OF THE

ENTERPRISE'S NIGHT CREW.

ITS CONTINUING MISSION IS...

♪ TO PARTAY! [ UP-TEMPO DANCE MUSIC PLAYS ]

[ RECORD SCRATCHING ] CHUG! CHUG! CHUG! CHUG!

CAPTAIN JAKE, A BORG CUBE IS HAILING US.

MAYBE THEY WANT US TO TURN DOWN OUR JAMS.

FAT CHANCE!

LOWER YOUR SHIELDS.

YOUR CULTURE WILL ADAPT TO SERVICE US.

YOU WANT US TO SERVICE YOU?

AFFIRMATIVE.

YOU WILL SERVICE THE BORG -- ALL NIGHT IF NEEDED.

[ GIGGLES ] WAIT. OUR HIVE MIND HAS

ASSIMILATED DOUBLE ENTENDRES.

REAL MATURE, GUYS.

PREPARE FOR ASSIMILATION.

OUR SHIELDS WON'T LAST LONG, SIR.

SHOULD WE WAKE UP THE BALD GUY?

[ FIZZ! ] [ GULPING ]

NO WAY, COMMANDER LaFREAK!

WE'LL BEAT THE BORG JUST LIKE WE BEAT THAT FRAT ON GALLOS-7.

WE'LL SELL NAKED PHOTOS OF THEIR GIRLFRIENDS AT A

PIE-EATING CONTEST?

WHAT? NO!

LIKE ANY FRAT, THE BORG SHARE A HIVE MIND, MAN.

IF WE GET ONE BORG TO PARTY, ALL BORG WILL PARTY!

NIGHT CREW, PREPARE TO ROCK OUT WITH OUR SPOCKS OUT!

[ ALL CHEER ]

DID SOMEBODY ORDER A PARTYGRAM?

[ UP-TEMPO DANCE MUSIC PLAYING ] [ ALL CHEERING ]

[ SAXOPHONE PLAYS DISCORDANT RIFF ]

WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!

OH, RIGHT -- NO SHIRT.

YOU WANT MINE?

OH, CHILL OUT, DUDE!

WAIT -- IS SHE YOUR DAUGHTER?

ENOUGH! PARTYING IS FUTILE!

[ GROANING ] YOUR BLOOD, SO FULL OF BEER.

YOUR PARTY...SO HEARTY!

[ GRUNTING ] WHOO-HOO!

[ ALL MURMURING ]

NOW, THIS I CAN ASSIMILATE!

CAPTAIN JAKE, STARFLEET THANKS YOU FOR DEFEATING THE

BORG.

BITCHIN'!

NIGHT CRE-E-E-E-E-E-W!

BEER ME.

[ LAUGHTER ]

YOU GLORIOUS SONS OF BITCHES!

[ UP-TEMPO DANCE MUSIC PLAYS ] [ SAXOPHONE PLAYS DISCORDANT

RIFF ]