Original subtitles

[ THUNDER CRASHES ] [ LAUGHS EVILLY ]

[ SAWING ] [ ELECTRICITY CRACKLES ]

IT'S ALIVE!

[ THUNDER CRASHES ] [ LAUGHS EVILLY ]

[ SMOOCH! ] [ LAUGHS EVILLY ]

[ CHITTERS ] LUCAS, DARWIN HAVE QUESTION FOR

YOU.

WHAT IS IT, DARWIN?

WAS THIS THE ONLY VOICE LEFT AT THE ASSHOLE STORE?

'CAUSE STEPHEN HAWKING WOULDN'T TELL YOUR MOM TO SUCK HIS

DICK WITH THIS VOICE.

OH. DO YOU WANT TO GO BACK TO SeaWorld?

NO, NO, NO. WE COOL.

WE COOL.

BOBBY, I THINK WE'RE LOST.

WELL, YOU FOUND US.

WHAT THE HECK ARE THOSE THINGS?!

WHY, THEM'S THE BOGLINS!

JOE'S GONNA SING A SONG!

OH, I LOVE WHEN JOE SINGS!

♪ WELL, THERE ARE SOME CREATURES YOU MIGHT NOT KNOW ♪

♪ ALWAYS BURPIN' AND PLAYIN' ♪ AND SPLASHIN' TO AND FRO

♪ SOMETIMES TROUBLEMAKIN' ♪ THEY'RE THE BOGLINS

♪ WE'RE THE BOGLINS ♪ AND THEY SMELL LIKE

DEEP ASS ♪ WAIT. WHAT?

♪ PICTURE THE WORST ASS SMELL THAT YOU SMELLED, NOW MULTIPLY

THAT BY THE BIGGEST NUMBER THAT EXISTS IN MATH ♪

♪ THAT'S HOW THE BOGLINS SMELL I THINK WE'RE GOOD ON THE

SONG.

♪ THEY SPEND ALL DAY STEWING IN THEIR OWN PEE AND CRAP ♪

♪ THEY ALSO EAT AND FUCK THEIR DEAD ♪

OH, GOD.

♪ AND ON THE EIGHTH DAY, GOD REGRETTED GIVING LIFE TO

THE BOGLINS ♪

AND...?

AND WE'RE LEGALLY REQUIRED TO TELL YOU WE'RE REGISTERED SEX

OFFENDERS.

I'M CURRENTLY UNREGISTERED.

TURTLES, STRENGTH COMES FROM WITHIN, AND YOU MUST FIND THAT

STRENGTH.

[ MUNCHING ] SPLINTER, ARE YOU EATING

GARBAGE?

WHAT?! EW! GROSS!

THIS SHOULDN'T BE SITTING AROUND, SO I'M GOING TO TAKE THE

GARBAGE OUT AND YOU GET BACK TO YOUR LESSON.

YOU'RE TAKING IT TO YOUR ROOM.

YOU'RE TAKING IT TO YOUR ROOM.

HEY, GUYS.

REMEMBER WHEN I ATE GARBAGE BY ACCIDENT?

SO GROSS, RIGHT?

YEP. IT WAS GROSS.

DARE ME TO DO IT AGAIN?

YOU'D HAVE TO DARE ME, 'CAUSE...EW.

NO. WE'RE GOOD.

SPLINTER?

ARE YOU OKAY IN THERE?

YOU DON'T WANT TO SEE THIS.

THOSE ARE USED TISSUES, SPLINTER!

I KNOW! I KNOW!

I'M A FUCKING RAT!

SOAK IT IN!

THIS IS SPLINTER'S ROCK BOTTOM!

NO, EATING THAT USED TAMPON IS YOUR ROCK BOTTOM.

IT'S APRIL FRESH!

[ TWINKLE! ]

MAGIC MIRROR, TELL ME TODAY, HAVE ALL MY "ROMPER ROOM"

FRIENDS HAD FUN AT PLAY?

I SEE JENNY AND TOMMY AND ALAN AND...

[ Demonic voice ] FIRE -- FIRE RAINING DOWN FROM THE HEAVENS!

[ Normal voice ] AND SANDY AND ROBBIE.

AAAH!

[ ALARM BLARING ] MANTECH, THIS PLACE IS GONNA

BLOW!

THE ONLY WAY YOU'LL MAKE IT OUT IS IF SOMEONE STAYS BEHIND

AND KEEPS THE CORE FROM OVERHEATING.

[ BLARING CONTINUES ]

WHAT'S HAPPENING?

SORRY. I MADE A FACE THAT I THOUGHT CONVEYED IT, BUT I GUESS

YOU CAN'T SEE 'CAUSE OF MY HELMET.

I'M GOING TO SACRIFICE MYSELF.

STEVE, YOU CAN'T SEE BECAUSE OF MY HELMET, BUT I AM CRYING

RIGHT NOW.

I BELIEVE YOU, KEN.

DUE TO HELMET AND ARMOR MOBILITY ISSUES, WHAT I'M GOING

TO DO WON'T REALLY TRANSLATE, BUT I'M GOING TO GIVE YOU A

SUBTLE YET LOADED NOD.

[ CLANK! CLANK! ] THAT WAS IT.

PAT, THAT WAS BEAUTIFUL.

YOU'RE LIKE A FATHER TO ME.

DON'T DO THIS!

HEY! LOOK AT ME!

LOOK...AT...ME!

I AM.

WHAT DO YOU SEE?

AN ENORMOUS HELMET.

DO YOU SEE FEAR?

I DON'T THINK SO, SIR.

THAT'S RIGHT, SO YOU STAY STRONG, TOO, SOLDIER.

WE NEED OUR LEADER!

YOU ARE MANTECH -- I'M GONNA BE SICK.

[ VOMITS ] I'M SO SORRY.

DID SOME THROW-UP GET IN YOUR HELMET VENT?

YES.

HOW MUCH?

A LOT.

I'M SORRY.

I KNOW.

GO! YOU DON'T HAVE MUCH TIME!

WE ARE THE MEN!

All: THE MEN OF MANTECH!

HEADS UP! LOW BEAM!

STUPID HELMET!

'SUP, BOB?

WALKING STRAIGHT TODAY?

YEP! I'M A LEMMING!

WHOOPS! WHOA!

WHOA!

WHOA.

HEY, RALPH!

WHAT ARE YOU UP TO?

I'M HOLDING A TICKING BOMB.

NEAT!

[ BOOM! ZAP! ] HEY, TOM.

YOU BUILDING A BRIDGE?

YEP. NOT FINISHED.

SOUNDS GOOD. HERE WE GO!

GREAT BRIDGE.

I RETIRE TOMORROW.

HEY, THE BRIDGE IS UP!

ISN'T THAT GREAT?!

HI, HONEY.

HOW WAS YOUR DAY?

THEY'RE ALL DEAD!

IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN ME!

[ Sobbing ] IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN M-E-E-E-E-E-E-E!

HELLO. I AM LOOKING FOR A GIFT FOR MY GRANDSON'S BIRTHDAY.

DO YOU CARRY SWEATERS THAT DON'T FIT AND ARE FUCKING STUPID?

HI!

I'M RICK "THE ANIMAL" SANDERS, AND I FUCK TREES!

I ALSO DESIGNED AND BUILT THE MOST POWERFUL MONSTER TRUCK IN

HISTORY, THE ANIMAL!

[ ROARS ]

THE ANIMAL HAS GIANT BEAST CLAWS JUTTING OUT OF ITS TIRES!

THAT'S WHY YOU SHOULD HAUL ASS DOWN TO ANIMAL DISCOUNT AUTO!

DRIVE DRUNK!

YOU'LL GET HERE FASTER!

EVERY CAR'S AN ANIMAL, LIKE THIS LIVE POSSUM!

[ SNARLING ] HATE TRAFFIC?

SO DOES THE ANIMAL!

I'M LATE FOR MY WEEKLY BACCARAT GAME.

EAT A DICK, TRAFFIC!

WHOO-HOO!

WE'VE EVEN GOT BOATS!

AYE, AYE, MOTHER FUCKER!

SO HEAD ON DOWN TO ANIMAL DISCOUNT AUTO AND

REMEMBER -- NOTHING CAN STOP THE ANIMAL!

OWNING AND OPERATING AN ANIMAL IS ILLEGAL.

I FUCK TREES!

LOOK AT ME!

A FLASHER!

WAIT. NO, WAIT.

WAIT. WAIT. WAIT.

WAIT! WAIT!

WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT!

PEOPLE OF MAINFRAME, BEWARE!

THE EVIL VIRUS MEGABYTE HAS TURNED OFF THE USERS' COMPUTER

SPAMWARE FILTER!

THAT'S CRAZY!

EVEN BAD NEWS LIKE THIS CAN'T GET ME DOWN, THOUGH.

I JUST DOUBLED THE SIZE OF MY DONG IN FOUR DAYS WITH NEW

DUB-CHUB MALE ENHANCEMENT SUPPLEMENTS.

I'VE NEVER SEEN THIS MAN BEFORE, BOB.

I BET HE'S SPAM!

HEY, I'M JUST A NORMAL GUY WHO VALUES DUB-CHUB'S COMMITMENT

TO INCREASING THE GIRTH AND LENGTH OF MY CREAM CANNON.

CAN I SEE YOUR I.P. ADDRESS, PLEASE?

SURE, SURE, SURE.

HEY, WAIT A SECOND.

WHAT ARE THESE?

A FREE MONTH'S TRIAL OF DUB-CHUB?!

HOLY MOLY!

YOU'RE ABOUT TO SERIOUSLY UPGRADE YOUR MEATBAG!

FLAG AS SPAM AND DELETE.

OH, NO, BRO!

LET THAT BE A LESSON TO ANY SPAM OUT THERE!

WE WILL FIND YOU!

LOOKING FOR LOCAL SLUTS WHO JUST WANT TO BONE DOWN?

IT'S FREE.

ALL YOU NEED IS A CREDIT-CARD NUMBER.

OH, YEAH.

SHE SOUNDS DEFINITELY LEGIT.

AWAKE, MY SLEEPING BEAUTY, AND WE WILL --

OH, MY GOD.

I JUST HAD THE WEIRDEST DREAM.

I WAS IN THE HOUSE WHERE I GREW UP, EXCEPT IT WASN'T THAT

HOUSE -- IT WAS A DIFFERENT HOUSE.

BUT THE FURNITURE WAS STILL FROM THE HOUSE I GREW UP IN...

OH, THAT'S -- THAT'S GREAT.

...AND IT HAD A PATIO, BUT IT WAS THE PATIO FROM MY FIRST

APARTMENT.

[ Muffled ] AAAAAAAAAAAAH!

AND, ALSO, I KNEW SPANISH.

ICE CLAN WARRIORS, WE HAVE A NEW WEAPON IN OUR FIGHT AGAINST

THE STONE CLAN!

BEHOLD THE BEASTS OF THE BONE AGE!

UH, HOW IS THIS HAPPENING?

I DON'T KNOW.

THEY HAVE NO CONNECTIVE TISSUE!

HELP US WRAP OUR HEADS AROUND THE MYTHOLOGY, MAN.

HONESTLY, THESE THINGS JUST CAME WALKING OVER A HILL, SO

LET'S RIDE 'EM!

I CALL THE PTERODACTYL!

[ SCREECHES ] OKAY. SO, WE'RE RIDING THESE

FUCKER BAREBACK?

THAT'S THE PLAN?

OHH, MY COCCYX IS ON PURE BONE!

I REALLY WISH WE'D DISCUSSED SADDLES!

MOTHER OF GOD!

WHY DID I PICK THE STEGOSAURUS?!

FASTER! FASTER!

THIS IS GLORIOUS!

FUCK YOU!

YOU'RE SMOOTHLY FLYING!

MUD PITS DEAD AHEAD!

PREPARE TO JUMP, RIDERS!

AAH!

AAAAH!

OH, GOD! MY TAILBONE!

WHY DIDN'T WE JUST GO AROUND?!

OH, SWEET MOTHER!

IT'S IMPALING MY ANUS!

WE'RE HERE!

READY YOUR WEAPONS!

HEY, PTERO, WE HAVE A BONE TO PICK WITH YOU.

[ LAUGHTER ] 22 HOURS LATER, THE BONE AGE

WARRIORS ALL DIED FROM INTERNAL BRUISING.

KEEP IT STEADY, BALOO!

IT'S TIME FOR A LITTLE CLOUD SURFING!

HEY, THAT'S NOT A REAL THING.

YEAH!

OHH!

KIT.

THE CHANNEL 6 NEWS MASQUERADE BALL IS THE PERFECT OPPORTUNITY

FOR ME TO KIDNAP APRIL O'NEIL.

SHE'S THE PERFECT BAIT TO CATCH THE TURTLES.

WOW!

OUT OF THAT BULKY LESBIAN JUMP SUIT, SHE'S HOT AS SHIT!

CARE TO DANCE, MR. POTTER?

WHAT?!

[ TWINKLE! ] AND WHAT'S YOUR COSTUME?

BELLE FROM "BEAUTY AND THE BEAST" BUT A

DICK SLUT.

IS YOUR FAVORITE RESTAURANT TACO "BELLE"?

[ BOTH LAUGH ] YOU ARE HILARIOUS.

ON THE COUNT OF THREE, SAY YOUR FAVORITE BAND.

1, 2, 3!

Both: TOAD THE WET SPROCKET!

[ BOTH SMOOCHING ] [ TWINKLE! ]

[ GASPS ] WAIT. ARE YOU --

IN LOVE?

YES. WHAT?! BYE!

SHREDDER?

THINK OF SOMETHING POETIC OR REAL COOL.

BUT SOFT!

YOU ARE TOTAL BONER FOOD!

OH, SHREDDER.

MY HEART DOESN'T TAKE SIDES.

PEOPLE WON'T APPROVE.

NO ONE CAN KEEP US APART.

[ BOTH SMOOCHING ] OH, HELL TO THE NO!

UGH!

WE'RE SOUL MATES!

WE BOTH LOVE TOAD THE WET SPROCKET!

TOAD THE WHAT?!

IS THAT A SEX THING?!

HAVE YOU GUYS HAD SEX?

NO -- JUST DRY HUMPING AND BALL PLAY.

BALL PLAY?! UGH!

YOU MUST STAY AWAY FROM SHREDDER, APRIL.

HE IS DANGEROUS.

SLEEP HERE TONIGHT.

DONATELLO, GRAB THE GUEST PILLOWS.

[ GASPS ] WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

I CAME TO SAY HI AND ALSO HAVE SEX AFTER THE WHOLE "HI"

THING.

IT'S LIKE SIX FLAGS HURRICANE HARBOR IN MY

PANTIES RIGHT NOW.

[ BOTH SMOOCHING ] MM-MMM!

YOU REALLY TOADED MY WET SPROCKET.

WHEN WILL I SEE YOU AGAIN?

SOON, I HOPE.

I SHOULD GO BEFORE THE TURTLES WAKE UP.

PLUS, I HAVE SOME MAJOR ExtenZe FARTS COMING ON.

[ FARTS ] APRIL, JUST GO ON ONE DATE

WITH CASEY.

HE'S A GOOD GUY.

CASEY IS A JOBLESS LOSER IN SWEATS!

GOOD START TO MY MORNING.

SO I LEFT.

WHAT SHOULD I DO, MR. RAT KING?

I BELONG WITH SHREDDER.

I HAVE AN IDEA!

AND MY IDEA INVOLVES YOU TAKING A LOT OF POISON VERY QUICKLY.

GO ON.

IT CAN'T BE.

APRIL! NO!

WHY?!

OW! OW! OW! WHAT THE FUCK SHREDDER!

APRIL! YOU'RE ALIVE!

THE POISON ONLY MADE ME APPEAR DEAD.

DIDN'T YOU READ "ROMEO AND JULIET," YOU FUCKING

ASS CLOWN?

GUH!

NOOOOOOOOOO!

JUST GONNA TAKE MY TOAD THE WET SPROCKET BOOTLEG

BACK.

♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK ♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK

♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK-A-WAWK WAWK BAWK BAWK ♪

♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK ♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK

♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK-A-WAWK WAWK BAWK BAWK ♪

♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK ♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK

♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK-A-WAWK WAWK BAWK BAWK ♪

BA-GAWK! BAWK.