Original subtitles

[ THUNDER CRASHES ] [ LAUGHS EVILLY ]

[ SAWING ] [ ELECTRICITY CRACKLES ]

IT'S ALIVE!

[ THUNDER CRASHES ] [ LAUGHS EVILLY ]

[ SMOOCH! ] [ LAUGHS EVILLY ]

IF YOU BUILD IT, HE WILL COME.

THERE. ALL FINISHED.

I BUILT IT.

[ MOANING PASSIONATELY ]

AHHHHH.

YEAH.

THANK YOU.

TONIGHT ON "WIFE SWAP," MEET REBECCA GLINT -- STAY-AT-HOME

MOTHER OF FIVE, MARRIED TO A FACTORY WORKER.

MEET SUE STORM -- MEMBER OF THE FANTASTIC FOUR, CONSTANTLY

BALANCING WORK AND HER MARRIAGE TO MR. FANTASTIC.

FIND OUT HOW TWO DIFFERENT WOMEN HANDLE HAVING THEIR LIVES

FLIPPED UPSIDE DOWN IN "WIFE SWAP"!

I HAVE TO MAKE DINNER EVERY NIGHT?

OH, WOW.

WHAT DID I SIGN UP FOR?

LET'S CHECK IN ON REBECCA.

DIE, PITIFUL FOOLS!

NOT TODAY, DOOM!

FUCK! NO!

I CALL BAD SWAP!

AAH!

OH, SHIT!

AND BACK AT THE GLINT HOUSE, SUE WAS STARTING TO CONNECT

WITH THE KIDS.

OH, COOOOOOL!

[ TELEPHONE RINGS ] YELLO?

YES, THIS IS HER HUSBAND.

SHE -- SHE WHAT?

NO.

OH, GOD, NO.

NO, NO...

HOW COULD YOU ALLOW THIS TO HAPPEN?

IT WAS A PART OF THE SHOW'S PREMISE.

WHAT WAS I SUPPOSED TO DO?

OH, I DON'T KNOW.

MAYBE NOT PIT A HOUSEWIFE AGAINST THE POWER OF DOOM?

MEANWHILE, SUE WAS STARTING TO GAIN SOME PERSPECTIVE.

A HUSBAND THAT DOESN'T HELP CLEAN THE DISHES?

HOW DOES REBECCA DO IT?

[ ALL CRYING ] AFTER TWO LONG DAYS, IT WAS

TIME TO GO BACK TO THEIR NORMAL LIVES BUT NOT WITHOUT LEARNING

A FEW THINGS.

I'LL TELL YOU ONE THING, I NOW APPRECIATE A HUSBAND THAT'LL

WASH THE DISHES.

GUILTY!

REBECCA'S HUSBAND REFUSED TO TAKE PART IN THE FOLLOW-UP

INTERVIEW.

AND NOW THE FIRST PERSON TO EVER GET TIRED.

OH, NO.

OH, NO, I'M DYING!

I'M DYING...

[ YAWNS ] I'M DYING.

[ MOANING ] OH.

OH, COOL.

WE ARE THE GUARDIANS!

TOOTH FAIRY, EASTER BUNNY, SANDMAN.

WE WILL EXIST AS LONG AS THE CHILDREN OF THE WORLD BELIEVE

IN US!

OH, NO!

YOU'VE BETRAYED ME, CHILDREN!

HUH.

GUESS THAT'S ABOUT RIGHT.

SANTA, WHO'S THAT?

OH, THIS IS ZWARTE PIET.

HE'S A WIDELY CELEBRATED FIGURE IN THE NETHERLANDS.

AND MY SERVANT.

IN DUTCH, ZWARTE MEANS BLACK!

MY NAME IS BLACK PETE!

THAT'S HORRIBLE.

KIDS AND PARENTS IN THE NETHERLANDS DRESS UP AS ME IN

BLACKFACE ON CHRISTMAS!

IN 2014!

LOOK IT UP!

SANTA, ARE YOU A RACIST?

WHAT?

I JUST BELIEVE IN TRADITION.

YEP, THAT'S WHAT A RACIST WOULD SAY.

YEAH, YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY A RACIST.

[ SIGHS ] THE DUTCH REALLY NEED TO GET

THEIR SHIT TOGETHER.

WE HAVE LEGAL WEED!

SO DOES COLORADO, BUT THEY DON'T FORCE KIDS INTO BLACKFACE!

YOU SURE THESE NEW BARRACKS ARE FIT FOR THE

BARNYARD COMMANDOS, PRIVATE SIDE O'BACON?

YES, SIR, GENERAL LARDO.

IT'S WHERE OUR NEW FARMER, TYSON FOODS, TOLD US TO REPORT.

OH, YOU BASTARDS!

AT LEAST GIVE ME A SOLDIER'S DEA-- OHH!

YOU SURE YOU WANT TO DO A MOVIE, TIGER?

I WANT TO BE BELOVED AGAIN, LIKE BEFORE I HAD SEX WITH ALL

THOSE WAITRESSES FROM IHOP.

JORDAN DID "SPACE JAM."

I WANT MY "SPACE JAM."

WELL, STUDIOS AREN'T LINING UP TO LEND THEIR CHARACTERS TO A

TIGER WOODS MOVIE.

EVERYONE AGGRESSIVELY PASSED EXCEPT DiC, BUT I CANNOT

RECOMMEND THAT -- ♪ WELCOME TO THE GOLF JAM

TIME FOR A DAY OF PLAYING GOLF AND BEING FAITHFUL TO MY

GIRLFRIEND.

WHA-- WH-O-O-O-O-O-O-OA!!

OW!

WELCOME TO DiC-LAND, TIGER.

WHY, HI, GARFIELD.

I'M HEATHCLIFF.

I'M MORE ROMANTIC AND HAVE AN ACCENT.

THIS IS CLEO.

WE NEED YOUR HELP, TIGER.

I WANT TO PUT MY PENIS IN YOU.

I MEAN, I LOVE MY GIRLFRIEND.

WE BROUGHT YOU HERE BECAUSE THE EVIL DORKPUCKS CHALLENGED US

TO A GAME OF GOLF.

I WANT TO HUMP YOUR FACE.

I MEAN, HELP YOUR FACE -- HELP YOU --

I WILL HELP YOU.

LET'S TEE OFF, DiC-HEADS!

IF YOU SINK THIS PUTT, WE WIN!

WISH ME LUCK, BOBBY BROWN.

BOBBY BROWN?

I'M HAMMERMAN!

I'M M.C. HAMMER, EXCEPT NOT, AND I HAVE MAGIC SHOES.

YOU KNOW, I DON'T EVEN KNOW IF I WANT TO SAVE YOU DiCS.

YOU'RE JUST UNINSPIRED REHASHES OF GOOD IDEAS.

SERIOUSLY, HOW CHEAP IS DiC?

THIS IS A MOVIE, AND YOU ALL LOOK LIKE YOU WERE DRAWN ON A

NAPKIN.

WIN THE GAME AND I'LL BLOW YOU.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

♪ EVERYBODY TEE OFF

♪ GET A CLUB IN YOUR HANDS ♪ CHARISMA-FREE SEX ADDICT

♪ SAVIN' DiC-LAND ♪ WELCOME TO THE GOLF JAM

THANK YOU, HOUSE STARK, FOR AGREEING TO THE WEDDING OF

EDMURE AND ROSLIN.

WOW! THIS IS GREAT!

THIS IS MY FIRST GIG WITH YOU GUYS AND WE'RE PLAYING FOR

WALDER FREY AND ROBB STARK!

NEXT UP, "THE RAINS OF CASTAMERE."

ISN'T THAT KIND OF A DOWNER?

IT'S LIKE, "CONGRATS ON YOUR MARRIAGE.

HERE'S A SONG ABOUT THE LANNISTERS SLAUGHTERING THEIR

ENEMIES."

JUST BE GLAD THEY DIDN'T REQUEST "THE CHICKEN DANCE."

1, 2, 3, 4.

[ "THE RAINS OF CASTAMERE" PLAYS ]

[ MUSIC STOPS ] I OWE MY NEW QUEEN A WEDDING

GIFT.

AW, THAT'S SWEET.

AAH! AAH!

HOLY LORD OF FUCKING LIGHT!

YOU'RE ARCHERS?!

I THOUGHT YOU WERE ALL ABOUT THE MUSIC, MAN!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!

THOSE PEOPLE COULD BOOK US FOR FUTURE GIGS!

THINK ABOUT WORD OF MOUTH!

OKAY. OKAY, JAXON.

THAT'S THE THING ABOUT PLAYING WEDDINGS.

ALWAYS BE READY TO ADAPT THE SET.

HOW DO YOU PLAY THIS THING?

AAH!

THAT WAS THE MAN WHO HIRED US.

WE'RE TAKING FIVE!

SKY COMMANDER REX KLING, LOCKED AND READY TO PROTECT THE

HIGH FRONTIER!

YOU SURE THAT ANGLE IS STEEP ENOUGH FOR PROPER VELOCITY?

NO OFFENSE, BUT YOUR JUMPSUIT IS STARTING TO LOOK LIKE CHEAP

SAUSAGE CASING.

YOUR SISTER DOESN'T THINK SO.

I'M AN ONLY CHILD, FAT GUY.

THEN SAME THING, BUT WITH YOUR MOM.

YEEHAW!

SKY COMMANDING YOUR MOM!

LITTLE HELP?

MAYBE SEND ANOTHER SKY COMMANDER DOWN THE LINE TO GIVE ME A PUSH?

OKAY, HEH.

ANOTHER THREE SKY COMMANDERS?

OOH! A RESCUE PACK!

FAT-FREE SNACKWELLS?

HA HA.

REAL FUNNY, GUYS!

BUT THE JOKE'S ON YOU!

I LOVE SNACKW-- DAMN IT!

OH, THIS JUST ISN'T MY DAY.

AAAAAAAAAH!

I'M GLAD WE'RE CHECKING OUT THIS NEW PIRATE-THEMED

RESTAURANT.

[ INDISTINCT SHOUTING ]

WE'LL RETURN YOUR KIDS FOR $1 MILLION!

TRY THE FISH.

THE SOMALIAN PIRATES!

SO COOL!

MURPHY, EVERY OFFICER NEEDS TO DO COMMUNITY OUTREACH.

NOW YOU'RE IN CHARGE OF MIDLAND ELEMENTARY'S D.A.R.E.

PROGRAM.

COPY.

DID EVERY STUDENT RECEIVE A WORKSHEET?

Together: YES, OFFICER MURPHY.

DRUG USE IS -- YOU DO NOT HAVE A WORKSHEET.

SHE CAN HAVE MINE.

NOW YOU DO NOT HAVE A WORKSHEET.

EVERY STUDENT MUST HAVE A WORKSHEET.

MY INSTRUCTOR'S KIT CONTAINS ADDITIONAL WORKSHEETS.

NOW EVERY STUDENT HAS A WORKSHEET.

STOP SAYING "WORKSHEET"!

THIS IS A WORKSHEET.

SINCE I AM HOLDING A WORKSHEET, THAT MEANS ONE STUDENT IS

WITHOUT A WORKSHEET.

I'M DONE!

NEGATIVE.

YOUR WORKSHEET MUST BE COMPLETED AFTER THE PRESENTATION.

INVALID WORKSHEET.

YOU REQUIRE A NEW WORKSHEET.

IS THAT A WORKSHEET?

THIS IS A WORKSHEET.

ANOTHER STUDENT IS WITHOUT A WORKSHEET.

WHO IS CURRENTLY WITHOUT A WORKSHEET?

OH, MY GOD!

I WILL PAY YOU TO STOP SAYING WORKSHEET!

MURPHY, HOW WAS YOUR FIRST DAY?

ALL THOSE KIDS STARTED USING DRUGS.

BLOODY MARY.

BLOODY MARY.

BLOODY MARY.

OOOOOOH!

LET ME TRY!

CANDYMAN! CANDYMAN! CANDYMAN!

GET A LOAD OF THIS.

BEETLEJUICE, BEETLEJUICE, BEETLEJUICE!

YEAH!

OH, YEAH, YOU REALLY WANNA SEE SOMETHIN'?

GOD! GOD! GOD!

SEE?

THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN SAYIN'!

THAT IS WHAT I BEEN SAYIN'!

GUESS WHO LOST THEIR BUTT-VIRGINITY AT TRACI'S PARTY

LAST NIGHT!

YASMIN!

I TEXTED YOU THAT IN SECRET!

OH, MY GOSH, GUYS!

TREVOR JUST SENT ME A PIC!

OF HIS DREAMY EYES?

OF HIS DREAMY ABS?

OF TAKING JADE'S BUTT-VIRGINITY.

UH, WHO THE FUCK IS DRIVING RIGHT NOW?

NO IDEA.

Together: SASHA!

[ ALL SCREAMING ]

O-M-F-G, GUYS, WE KILLED SOMEBODY'S GRANDMA!

I THINK IT'S BARBIE.

THE BRATZ KILLED BARBIE?

AND NOT JUST WITH MARKET SHARE THIS TIME.

HEY-O!

TRUE THAT.

GOOD ONE.

WE GOT TO HIDE THE BODY, YOU GUYS.

WELCOME TO YOUR NEW DREAM HOUSE.

REST IN PEACE, BITCH SEE YA.

[ TIRES SCREECHING ]

DON'T FORGET TO TAKE YOUR MEDICATION!

I'LL NEVER UNDERSTAND WHY YOU GIRLS INFECTED YOURSELVES WITH

ENCEPHALITIS!

BECAUSE FREAKISHLY LARGE HEADS ARE SEXY, MOM!

DUH!

NO! NOOOOO!

AAH!

[ LAUGHS EVILLY ] MY ENCEPHALITIS!

I NEED MY MEDICATION!

I NEED M-- GUESS I BLEW HER MIND!

OH! OH, CRAP!

I'M DEFINITELY GOING TO BE SICK.

COOL! NEW TATTOOS.

"YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE."

THAT'S DEEP.

LET'S TEST THAT THEORY, BITCH.

OHH!

OW!

[ Slurring ] WHAT DID YOU DO TO ME?

I EXTRACTED EVERY OUNCE OF ASS FAT FROM THAT WANG WARMER

YOU CALL A MOUTH!

NOOOO! MUH LIPS!

HUH.

ACTUALLY, YOU LOOK WAY BETTER, LIKE A REAL HUMAN GIRL.

I'M UGLY!

AAH! [ BODY THUDS ] HUH. SIX OF ONE.

[ DOORBELL RINGS ] HELLO?

WHAT?

I RAN OUT OF IDEAS.

BARBIE'S BODY IS GONE!

SHE'S NOT DEAD!

SHE'S TAKING HER REVENGE!

WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR, YOU OLD PINK BITCH?!

[ TIRES SCREECHING ]

COULD IT BE?

MONSTER HIGH HAS KILLED BRATZ THE SAME WAY BRATZ ONCE KILLED

BARBIE?

POETIC JUSTICE!

[ LAUGHS ] DRACULAURA?

BUT...I THOUGHT...THE KILLER...

WAS BARBIE.

HER BODY...

BARBIE?

YOU'RE AT THE WRONG MILE MARKER.

BARBIE'S BODY IS UP THERE.

[ BEARS GROWLING, GRUNTING ] PLEASE...I'LL GIVE YOU

ANYTHING.

SILLY BRATZ.

I'VE ALREADY TAKEN EVERYTHING YOU HAVE.

EXCEPT...MY BUTT-VIRGINITY.

MAESTRO, I'M GONNA NEED A LITTLE BUTT-VIRGINITY MUSIC.

♪ EVERYBODY TEE OFF ♪ GET A CLUB IN YOUR HANDS

♪ CHARISMA-FREE SEX ADDICT ♪ SAVIN' DiC-LAND

♪ WELCOME TO THE GOLF JAM

[SMACK] AAH!