Original subtitles

[ THUNDER CRASHES ] [ LAUGHS EVILLY ]

[ SAWING ] [ ELECTRICITY CRACKLES ]

IT'S ALIVE!

[ THUNDER CRASHES ] [ LAUGHS EVILLY ]

[ SMOOCH! ] [ LAUGHS EVILLY ]

YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO THIS!

ACTUALLY, BABY, I DO.

I LOVE YOU.

NEVER A DOUBT IN MY MIND.

FOR THE QUEEN!

[ CHOKING ] [ EXPLOSION ]

[ GROANS ]

HE DID IT!

[ ALL CHEERING ]

WAYPOINT SET, MASTER CHIEF.

COVENANT FORCES INCOMING.

YOU'RE MY EYES AND EARS, CORTANA.

ON MY WAY.

RIGHT AFTER I TAKE A QUICK LEAK.

DETECTING ENEMY -- OH!

I-I'M SORRY!

OH, SHIT!

CORTANA! WAIT!

OH, GREAT.

UM, ENEMY COMBATANT 500 METERS AHEAD.

WAIT. CORTANA, REMEMBER 5 SECONDS AGO?

DID YOU SEE MY PEENER?

I MEAN, I DON'T CARE.

I'M JUST -- IT'S JUST, I'M STRESSED RIGHT NOW WITH THE

FIGHTING, AND MY PEENER'S A LITTLE SMALLER THAN USUAL.

HEADS UP!

GOT 'EM.

ANYWAY, I DON'T WANT TO BEAT A DEAD HORSE HERE, BUT MY PEENER

BEING THAT SMALL, THAT'S, LIKE, A SUPER-RARE THING.

NOTED.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

I STILL GOT TO PEE JUST A LITTLE BIT.

CAN I HAVE A SECOND?

YEAH, SURE. WHATEVER.

OKAY, LITTLE CHIEF -- TIME TO CHUB UP.

HERE WE GO.

ALYSSA MILANO IN "POISON IVY 2," GIRL FROM

"CRADLE OF LOVE" VIDEO...

MMM, NICE.

HOUSTON, WE HAVE PLUMPAGE.

CORTANA, CORTANA!

YES, CHIEF, WHAT IS THE -- OH, GOD!

OH, IT'S CRAZY!

THERE WAS AN ATTACK!

OH, MAN.

I HOPE I WASN'T SHOT!

UH, HEAD, CHEST, MY PEENER, THAT IS RIGHT NOW AT THE LENGTH AND

THICKNESS THAT REPRESENTS THE USUAL SIZE OF MY PEENER.

CHIEF...

SORRY IF YOU CAUGHT A GLIMPSE OF MY PEENER DURING THAT.

YOU SAW THAT, RIGHT?

CRAZY.

IT'S NOT A BIG DEAL.

[ CHUCKLES ] LITERALLY.

PARDON ME?

HEY, NEEDLE PEEN!

AAH!

SO, WHAT ARE YOU IN FOR?

WELL, I WAS MINDING MY OWN BUSINESS, EATING SOME FOOD, AND

THEN SOME MORE FOOD STARTED SHOOTING AT ME, SO I STARTING

EATING THAT FOOD, AND THEN LIKE TWO MORE FOODS SURROUNDED ME...

AND I WOKE UP HERE.

FUCKING FOOD, MAN.

FUCKING FOOD.

ABBY!

WE'D LIKE TO INVITE YOU TO JOIN THE BABYSITTERS CLUB!

ALL THE BABY-SITTERS IN STONEYBROOK JOIN, AND THE CLUB

ONLY TAKES 15%.

NO, THANKS.

I HAVE MY OWN CLIENTS, AND I GET TO KEEP ALL THE MONEY.

WE ARE BABYSITTING IN THIS TOWN.

IF WE ASK YOU TO JOIN, YOU JOIN.

SORRY.

HI, TODD.

I'M HERE FOR OUR DATE.

LISTEN, I DON'T THINK WE CAN BE BOYFRIEND-GIRLFRIEND ANYMORE.

BABY-SITTER CLUB TOLD ME YOU HAVE AIDS.

NOW WE'RE HAVING A FOUR-WAY.

WHA?

[ CRYING ] HOW COULD THEY DO THIS TO ME?

[ GASPS ] HMM?

AAH! AAH!

AAH!

MOM, DAD!

THEY PUT A WOLF IN MY CLOSET!

WHO PUT A WOLF IN YOUR CLOSET?!

[ GUNSHOTS ] NO!

I'LL NEVER JOIN YOU!

I'LL FIGHT YOU TO THE GATES OF HELL!

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE "BABY-SITTERS CLUB"!

NOW VOTING ON RESOLUTION 765 -- 1% INCREASE IN

SANITATION AID FOR EAST MONGOLIA.

ALL IN FAVOR?

Together: AYE.

RESOLUTION PASSES.

NOW VOTING ON RESOLUTION 766 -- ALL COUNTRIES SHALL BOW TO

DR. DOOM.

ALL IN FAVOR?

AYE!

NOW ALL SHALL KNEEL BEFORE THE MIGHT OF DOCTOR --

ALL OPPOSED?

Together: NAY.

RESOLUTION FAILS.

[ SIGHS ] WORTH A SHOT, RIGHT?

OH, YOU ARE SO ADORABLE.

OKAY...

NOW TAKE ALL OF YOUR CLOTHES OFF.

REOW?!

VISIONARIES, YOU SHALL RECEIVE MAGIC IN THE FORM OF

POWERFUL ANIMAL TOTEMS.

WITTERQUICK, DUE TO YOUR BLINDING SPEED, RECEIVE THE

POWER OF THE CHEETAH!

[ ROARS ] INCREDIBLE!

TOBY, YOUR STEALTH HAS EARNED YOU THE TOTEM OF...

THE TOOTHPICK FISH.

WHAT THE FUCK IS A TOOTHPICK FISH?

OH, YEAH!

I READ ABOUT THOSE.

SOME GUY PEED IN THE AMAZON.

THE TOOTHPICK FISH SWAM UP HIS URINE STREAM AND INTO HIS

URETHRA.

HE HAD TO HAVE ELABORATE SURGERY.

MERKLYNN, CAN I HAVE ANOTHER TOTEM, PLEASE?

NOT LOOKING FORWARD TO SWIMMING UP A PEE STREAM INTO A BAD

GUY'S DONGER!

ONCE THE TOTEM HAS BEEN BESTOWED, IT IS PERMANENT.

OH, THAT'S FANTASTIC NEWS.

[ ALL SCREAM ] WITNESS THE RISE OF

DARKSTORM!

TO ASSERT MY DOMINANCE OVER YOU, I SHALL PISS ON YOUR BATTERED

BODIES!

AHH.

OH, JACKPOT!

IT'S TOBY TIME!

AAH!

AAH! SOMETHING'S IN MY URETHRA!

IT IS LIKE A BLADDER INFECTION BUT WORSE!

I-I NEED TO GET THIS CHECKED OUT!

TOBY, YOU SAVED OUR LIVES!

TOBY?

I THINK HE'S STILL IN DARKSTORM'S DICK.

THAT IS GOING TO REQUIRE ELABORATE SURGERY.

COMRADE OBAMA CUT THE DEFENSE BUDGET AGAIN, GENERAL HAWK.

I CAN NIX OUR EFFICIENT DRONE PROGRAM OR THE G.I. JOE PROGRAM

THAT RACKS UP BILLIONS TO STOP A SINGLE TERRORIST GROUP!

I MEAN, FOR FUCK'S SAKE, WHERE WERE YOU ON 9/11?

ENDING COBRA'S SCHEME TO CONQUER AMERICA WITH AN EVIL

TELETHON! OH, GOD.

I'LL SEE MYSELF OUT, SIR.

GOODBYE, ARMY OF VILLAGE PEOPLE REJECTS.

SAY HELLO TO G.I. DRONE!

♪ G.I. DRONE ♪ G.I. DRONE

♪ IT BOMBS FOR FREEDOM WITHOUT ANY CONSCIENCE ♪

G.I. DRONE IS THE CODE NAME FOR AMERICA'S SOULLESS,

HIGH-TECH KILLING MACHINES.

AAH!

HOLY SHIT!

ITS PURPOSE -- TO BOMB THE FUCK OUT OF WHOEVER,

WHENEVER.

OH, YEAH.

WE HAVE AN ERECTION, TOO.

HIDE IN THAT HOSPITAL!

WHAT HAPPENED TO PROPORTIONATE FUCKING RESPONSE?!

I ONLY WANTED TO CONTROL THE WEATHER!

♪ G.I. MOTHERFUCKING DRONE

ACCORDING TO PASSOVER TRADITION,

I WILL PARDON ONE PRISONER OF YOUR CHOOSING.

WILL YOU PARDON THE MURDERER BARABBAS, OR WILL YOU PARDON

JESUS?

BARABBAS! BARABBAS!

BARABBAS!

BARABBAS, YOU ARE PARDONED.

WHAT?

WAIT, WAIT, WAIT! AAAAAH!

WAIT. WHICH ONE IS THE MAGIC ONE?

[ Crying ] I'M THE MAGIC ONE!

NO TAKEBACKS, CHICKENHEADS!

THE MIDNIGHT SOCIETY IS NOW IN SESSION.

CAN YOU ALL HANDLE BETTY ANN'S SCARY STORY, OR ARE YOU AFRAID

OF THE DARK?

[ ALL GASP ] MY STORY ACTUALLY HAPPENED TO

ME.

I CALL IT "NIGHT OF TERROR."

I AGREED TO A DATE WITH A GUY, WHO SHALL REMAIN NAMELESS, WHO I

DID NOT WANT TO GO OUT WITH.

BUT OUR PARENTS ARE FRIENDS SO I HAD TO.

IT WAS A SHIT-SHOW FROM THE MOMENT HE SHOWED UP IN HIS

CRAPPY NISSAN.

HI, BETTY ANN!

HE WAS SO NERVOUS, HE EJAC'd IN HIS KHAKIS AND THEN RAN INTO A

LOW-HANGING TREE BRANCH.

AAH!

[ LAUGHTER ] HEY, DON'T YOU DRIVE A

NISSAN, GARY?

WHAT?! NO!

YES! I MEAN -- AAH!

UNH! AAH!

[ LAUGHTER ] OH, MY KHAKIS!

FORREST, WE'VE BEEN MARRIED FOR A WHILE.

MAYBE WE SHOULD SPICE THINGS UP.

TALK DIRTY TO ME.

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN, JEN-NY?

I DON'T KNOW.

SAY SOMETHING MEAN.

OKAY.

YOU ARE A FUCKING IDIOT.

NOT WHAT I HAD IN MIND, FORREST.

SAY SOMETHING ELSE, BUT CALL ME A SLUT AFTER.

OKAY.

STAYING SOBER IS A DAILY STRUGGLE FOR YOU...SLUT.

FORREST!

JUST, UM...

BE ROUGH WITH ME.

DON'T WORRY. I'LL LIKE IT.

OW!

SHIT, FORREST!

SPICING THINGS UP IS HARD, JEN-NY.

I'M GONNA GO GET SOME ICE.

BITCH BE OUT OF HER DAMN MIND.

OW!

OW!

ALL RIGHT, Y'ALL, LET'S GET SEXY!

THAT WAS A TERRIBLE WAY TO START A GRIEF-COUNSELING

SESSION.

YEAH. HOW TERRIBLE.

HONEY, LOOK OUT!

CLICHé!

HUH?

[ ALL SCREAMING ]

WHAT'S HAPPENING?!

KRE-O!

THEY'RE EVERYWH-- AAH!

RUN!

THERE'S SOMETHING WRONG WITH THEM.

THEY LOOK LIKE US BUT DIFFERENT!

THIS WAY! HURRY!

YOUR LIFE HAS MORE VALUE THAN OTHER PEOPLE!

JERRY, WE NEED YOUR EXPERTISE!

MY EXPERTISE?

I'M NOT A SOLDIER!

JERRY, WE NEED A LAWYER.

PUT SIMPLY, JERRY, WE'RE BEING INVADED...

BY IMITATION BLOCKS.

OFF-BRAND PRODUCTS WITH A TASTE FOR LEGO BLOOD!

THEY'RE NEARLY IDENTICAL BUT DIFFERENT...WRONG.

LIKE WHEN YOU SIT ON YOUR HAND UNTIL IT GOES TO SLEEP.

YOU TRY TO PRETEND FLO FROM THE PROGRESSIVE COMMERCIALS IS

GIVING YOU AN H.J., BUT YOU KNOW IT'S NOT FLO.

YOU KNOW THAT!

SHE'D NEVER BE SO CLUMSY, SO ARTLESS.

THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE!

WE'RE TRADEMARKED!

NO, GENERAL.

LEGO BRICKS AREN'T PROTECTED BY TRADEMARK.

THEY'RE PROTECTED BY PATENT.

HELL, MAN, WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE?

THE DIFFERENCE IS...

PATENTS EXPIRE.

COOL! SOMEONE TURNED THAT LEGAL DOCUMENT INTO A GIF.

THAT'S FUN.

ISN'T IT "JIFF"?

ANYWAY, HOW DO WE STOP IT?

THERE'S NOTHING WE CAN DO.

Don't worry, Flo.

I'll protect you.

DON'T WORRY, GIRL FROM THE WENDY'S COMMERCIALS.

DON'T WORRY, GEICO GECKO.

THEY COVERED THE WHOLE GLOBE IN NO TIME -- MEGA BLOKS, KRE-O,

BEST-LOCK, CoCo, BanBao, ROKENBOK, SUPER BLOX, AND LEGGO

WITH TWO G's, WHICH WAS ESPECIALLY INSULTING.

[ ZOMBIES GROANING ]

♪ LEGO MY BABY ♪ LEGO MY HONEY

♪ LEGO MY RAGTIME GAL DADDY, ARE WE SAFE?

OF COURSE WE ARE, SON.

PEOPLE ARE SINGING, AREN'T THEY?

UGH.

THAT IS THE LOWEST FORM OF MUSIC.

♪ HONEY, YOU'LL LOSE ME ♪ THEN YOU'LL BE LEFT ALONE

[ ZOMBIES GROANING LOUDLY ] THE TERRIBLE SINGING!

THEY'RE ATTRACTED TO THE TERRIBLE SINGING!

OHH!

OW!

FIRE! FIRE!

THEY'RE TOO FAST!

OHH!

JERRY, I'VE FOUND A WAY TO CAMOUFLAGE OURSELVES!

THAT BEATS MY SOLUTION.

PEW PEW! PEW PEW! PEW!

LEGOS ARE MACHINED TO A TOLERANCE OF 10 MICROMETERS!

THAT'S WHY WE'RE SO EXPENSIVE!

BUT THIS SERUM WILL MAKE US LOOK CHEAPER AND SLOPPIER!

AAH!

WE LOOK LIKE THEM NOW!

I'D...RATHER...DIE.

WHAT?!

THEY HAVE TRANSFORMERS?

NO, SON! NO!

AAH!

NOOOOOOOOOO!

YOU PROBABLY DON'T EVEN WANT TO GO ON LIVING NOW.

HUH? OH, THAT WAS JUST A KID FROM MY WIFE'S FIRST MARRIAGE.

BUT THAT LOOKED REALLY PAINFUL.

HIT ME WITH THE JUICE!

[ GROANING ] NO! YOU TURNED ME INTO A FUCKING

DUPLO!

IT'S THE SAME COMPANY AS LEGO, YOU FOOL!

AAH!

AAH!

GUYS, IS THIS ENDING WORKING?

LET'S RE-SHOOT IT.

[ ZOMBIES MURMURING ]

♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK ♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK

♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK-A-WAWK WAWK BAWK BAWK ♪

♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK ♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK

♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK-A-WAWK WAWK BAWK BAWK ♪

♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK ♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK

♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK-A-WAWK WAWK BAWK BAWK ♪

BA-GAWK! BAWK.