Original subtitles

[ THUNDER CRASHES ] [ LAUGHS EVILLY ]

[ SAWING ] [ ELECTRICITY CRACKLES ]

IT'S ALIVE!

[ THUNDER CRASHES ] [ LAUGHS EVILLY ]

[ SMOOCH! ] [ LAUGHS EVILLY ]

OKAY, FRED.

TIME FOR YOUR COLONOSCOPY.

YOU MAY FEEL A LITTLE PRESSURE WHEN I INSERT THE CAMERA.

YABBA-DABBA -- YAAH! YEE!

NOW TELL ME WHAT YOU SEE.

ME GOING BACK TO COLLEGE.

[ LAUGHING ] DID YOU HEAR THAT?

GET THE STORK OUT OF MY ASS!

A PENIS SUCKED IS A PENIS EARNED...

SO WHICH ONE OF YOU WANTS TO EARN THIS DICK?

OKAY, MR. FRANKLIN, HOLD THAT POSE.

[ ZIPPER UNZIPPING ] [ CASH REGISTER DINGS ]

[ PATRIOTIC MUSIC PLAYS ]

DON'T WORRY, CINDERELLA!

WE'LL GET YOU TO THE BALL YET.

THIS IS A SPELL THAT WORKS SO WELL.

FLIPPITY FLOPPITY FLEE!

HMM.

MAYBE I NEED TO TRY A NEW SPELL.

OH, SATAN, MAKE ME YOUR WHORE AND SEND CINDERELLA TO THE BALL!

WHAT THE -- STOP THAT!

YOU WANT TO GO TO THE BALL, DEAR, RIGHT?

WELL, YEAH, BUT -- WELL, MY SPELL WASN'T WORKING,

SO I HAD TO GO WITH PLAN "B."

OH, PRINCE OF SUFFERING, FREE YOUR MINIONS FROM THE DARKEST

CROTCH OF HELL AND SEND CINDERELLA TO THE BALL!

[ DEMONS SCREAMING ]

[ VOMITING ]

[ INSECT SCREECHING ]

[ SHEEP BLEATS ]

OH, AND YOU ALSO NEED SHOES!

NO! PLEASE!

LET IT STOP!

OH, SILLY ME!

MY WAND WAS TURNED THE WRONG WAY. HA HA!

WE DIDN'T NEED THE DEMONS AFTER ALL!

[ SOBBING ] FLIPPITY FLOPPITY FLEE!

SCROOGE McDUCK IS AN INTERNATIONAL BUSINESSMAN WORTH

OVER 10 MILLION SWIMMING POOLS OF GOLD COINS.

NOW ENTREPRENEURS WILL FIGHT FOR HIS INVESTMENT.

I'LL GIVE YOU TWO BATHTUBS OF RUBIES FOR 25% OF THE COMPANY.

I'M SORRY.

HOW MUCH MONEY IS THAT?

GUESS WHAT, SMARTASS.

MY OFFER IS NOW ONE GOLD ROCK THE SIZE OF A GOOSE EGG.

IS THAT MORE OR LESS?

I'LL GO IN WITH A TOILET FULL OF EMERALDS.

GET OFF ME BALLS, CUBAN!

TAKE A GOOD LOOK AT WHAT THEY DID TO YOUR FATHER, CHILDREN.

LOOK LONG AND HARD SO YOU NEVER FORGET!

[ CHILDREN CRYING ]

JASON! DINNER!

IN A SECOND, MOM!

I'M PLAYING "RollerCoaster TYCOON!"

[ MOUSE CLICKS ]

[ LAUGHS ]

FUCKING IDIOTS.

WE ARE SHOCKED THAT SUCH A TERRIBLE CRASH COULD OCCUR HERE

AT "NO GAYWADS ALLOWED" LAND.

OUR PARK OWNER IS UNAVAILABLE FOR QUESTIONS, AS HE IS

CURRENTLY STUDYING FOR, AND I QUOTE, "SOME LAMEBALLS MATH

QUIZ."

YES, HOW DO YOU RESPOND TO ACCUSATIONS THAT THE PARK OWNER

HAS BEEN DROWNING TOURISTS IN THE LAKE?

NO COMMENT.

I WOULD JUST LIKE TO POINT OUT THAT THESE HOT DOGS ARE VERY

GOOD VALUE.

WE ARE VERY PROUD OF THE FOOD SOLD AT "HAHA HOT DOGS LOOK LIKE

DICKS."

WHAT THE -- AAAH!

AAH!

[ GASPING, CHOKING ]

JIRO, I AM IN GREAT DEBT TO

YOU FOR HELPING ME TRAIN FOR THE FRUIT NINJA TOURNAMENT.

THE HONOR IS ALL MINE, BROTHER.

AAH! JIRO!

WAS THAT A FUCKING BOMB, JIRO?!

I'M SO SORRY, BROTHER.

SOMETIMES I CONFUSE MY FRUIT BASKET WITH MY BOMB BASKET.

YOUR BOMB BASKET?!

LOOK, I'M SORRY.

LET'S JUST STAY FOCUSED ON THE TRAINING.

JIRO!

THREE LIT BOMBS?!

WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON, JIRO?!

OKAY, OKAY.

JUST DON'T TELL MOM.

I'M KIND OF A WANTED JAPANESE TERRORIST.

WHAT?!

YOU'RE A WHAT?!

HEY, IF MY BOMBS ARE HERE, WHERE'S THAT EXTRA FRUIT?

EVERYONE DIES!

[ ALL GASP ] AH, DAMN IT, JIRO!

[ ALL SHOUTING ]

HA HA!

THAT'S A GOOD-LOOKING PIE!

YAH-TAH-TAH-TAH!

YOU KNOW, MAYBE THAT JASON BIGGS HAD A GOOD IDEA OR

TWO.

OHH! THAT'S HOT!

THAT'S SO HOT!

WHAT'S THAT DARN OL' PURPLE PIE MAN UP TO NOW?

OH, HUCKLEBERRY PIE!

YES! I'M SO DEEP IN YOU!

OH!

HUCKLEBERRY PIE, YOU ARE ACCUSED OF FRATERNIZING WITH OUR

ENEMY, THE PURPLE PIE MAN.

AW, THAT'S BULLCRAP!

I KNOW WHAT I HEARD!

WHATEVER!

JUST SENTENCE ME SO I CAN GET BACK TO MY FISHING.

IT'S GETTING A LITTLE "CHILDREN OF THE CORN" DOWN

THERE.

EH.

UGH!

OH, RIGHT.

I FUCKED THIS ONE.

MEH.

OKAY, MARILYN, TIME FOR YOUR BIG SCENE.

JUST ONE MORE TACO.

WE'RE LOSING THE LIGHT.

BUT THESE TACOS ARE GREAT.

NO MORE TACOS!

PLACES, EVERYONE! PLACES!

"SEVEN YEAR ITCH," SCENE 78, TAKE 1.

AND ACTION!

[ FARTING, GRUNTING ] OOPS.

CUT!

WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?

TACOS.

DO WE HAVE TIME FOR ANOTHER TAKE?

OH, WE JUST LOST THE LIGHT.

FUCK IT.

WE'LL SAY IT WAS A PASSING TRAIN OR SOMETHING.

LET'S MOVE ON TO THE NEXT SCENE.

GUYS, I DEFINITELY SHIT MYSELF.

[ GROANS ] UNH!

OH, NO! DOC!

SOMEONE CALL 911!

HEY, WHAT'S UP EVERYBODY.

I'M LITTLE MAC.

FOR 25 YEARS, DOC HAD TWO PASSIONS -- TRAINING ME TO

PUNCH OUT MY OPPONENTS AND EATING FRIED BUTTER.

I'M HEARTENED TO SEE SO MANY OF MY FORMER OPPONENTS HERE TODAY.

LIFE IS SO FRAGILE.

I, GREAT TIGER, WAS DIAGNOSED WITH BRAIN CANCER LAST WEEK.

TURNS OUT THIS TELEPORTATION GEM WAS PUMPING RADIATION INTO MY

BRAIN, AND IT -- OH, NO. NO!

I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!

I CAN'T CONTROL IT!

WHERE IS IT TAKING ME NOW?

PLEASE! NOT DETROIT AGAIN!

I AM SODA POPINSKI.

DOC SUFFERED FROM TYPE 2 DIABETES, JUST LIKE ME.

AND LET ME TELL YOU, I LEARNED NOTHING FROM THIS!

I'D RATHER DIE THAN DRINK SUGAR-FREE SODA!

DIET DR. PEPPER DOES NOT TASTE LIKE REGULAR DR. PEPPER!

[ GASPING ]

DOC WAS THE ONE WHO SAID,

"KING HIPPO, GET YOUR STOMACH STAPLED."

BUT HE NEVER WARNED ME ABOUT LEFTOVER SKIN!

MY STOMACH IS BASICALLY A SKIRT!

WHOA!

I DID NOT KNOW DOC.

I HAVE FILLED MY POCKETS WITH ALL THE PIZZA ROLLS.

NOW I AM LEAVING.

IF YOU THINK YOU CAN STOP ME, YOU ARE WELCOME TO TRY.

THE SPELL IS BROKEN!

THIS WAS MY TRUE FORM ALL ALONG.

I CAN'T WAIT TO MARRY YOU, SHREK!

MARRY YOU?

WELL, YEAH.

SINCE WE LOOK THE SAME NOW, WE'LL LIVE HAPPILY EVER AFTER.

FIONA, EVERY MORNING, I LOOK AT MYSELF IN THE MIRROR AND I

WISH MY MOTHER HAD THE COURAGE TO THROW ME IN THE RIVER WHEN I

WAS BORN.

THEN I MAKE MY WAY TO THE PUTRID SWAMPS, THE ONLY PLACE ON GOD'S

GREEN EARTH A MONSTER LIKE ME FEELS AT HOME.

SOMETIMES CHILDREN GATHER TO SCREAM AT ME.

"MONSTER! ANIMAL!" THEY YELL.

THEN SOMEONE SCREAMS, "KILL YOURSELF!" AND IT TAKES A FEW

SECONDS TO REALIZE THE VOICE IS COMING FROM MY OWN MOUTH.

BY THEN, I'VE MADE MY WAY TO THE OLD HANGIN' TREE.

BEFORE I HAVE TIME TO THINK ABOUT IT, I'M WRAPPING A VINE

AROUND MY OWN NECK.

IT GOES TAUT, AND I PRAY TO THE GODS THAT, THIS TIME, THE VINE

WILL HOLD.

BUT, ALAS, EVERY DAY, I WAKE UP IN MY OWN FILTH.

AND I LIE THERE, AND I CRY.

I CRY BECAUSE I'LL LIVE TO SEE MY FACE AGAIN!

SO, NO.

MARRYING A LASS WITH A FACE AS HIDEOUS AS MY OWN IS NOT ON MY

TO-DO LIST!

HAVE YOU TRIED THESE MINI CHEESEBURGERS?

GREAT!

UNH!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] [ CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS ]

AAH!

A VAMPIRE!

OH, THAT SAILOR'S A FUCKING VAMPIRE!

AAH!

[ ALL SCREAMING ]

WHERE IS IT WHEN I REALLY NEED IT?

UGH!

HEY, SHE-RA, I MADE A BALLOON!

[ CHOKING ]

AH, BIRTH CONTROL IS MAGIC.

AND I DON'T JUST MEAN I DON'T UNDERSTAND HOW IT WORKS.

I MEAN, ON MY WORLD IT'S LITERALLY CREATED BY SORCERERS.

WHEN YOU'RE ON THE TOUR BUS, BIRTH CONTROL IS WHATEVER'S

HANDY.

YOU IMPROVISE.

A HARDEE'S CHEESEBURGER WRAPPER TIED OFF WITH A HAIR SCRUNCHIE,

OR, YOU KNOW, JUST DO ANAL.

ARE ANY KIDS GONNA SEE THIS?

I DO NOT LIKE THAT ANSWER.

YOU WANT TO SEE SOMETHING REALLY UNSEXY?

THESE ARE FROM THE PX AT COBRA HEADQUARTERS.

NO, NO, NO. WAIT.

IT GETS BETTER.

UGH!

IN A VILLAGE WHERE THE MALE-TO-FEMALE RATIO IS 99 TO 1,

EVERY OTHER TEXT MESSAGE IS A DICK PIC.

DO BOYS ASK FOR PHOTOS OF MY BERRIES?

WHY, YES!

EVERYONE KNOWS I HAVE VERY GOOD BERRIES.

YES, LIKE I SAID, MY BERRIES.

BERRIES.

ARE YOU ASKING ABOUT MY TITS?!

PUSSY DOUBLE ENTENDRE.

PUSSY DOUBLE ENTENDRE.

OH, HERE'S A GOOD ONE -- PUSSY DOUBLE ENTENDRE.

OOOH, LA LA!

GOT TO LOVE THE BAD BOYS.

I HOOKED UP WITH MOSS MAN ONCE.

AFTERWARD, MY BED SMELLED LIKE A HEFTY BAG FULL OF LAWN

TRIMMINGS THAT'S BEEN SITTING IN THE SUN FOR TWO DAYS.

ALSO, HIS PENIS WAS A GNARLED ROOT.

HERE'S A JOKE.

THIS IS A GOOD ONE.

"WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A FACE AND A TOILET?"

YOU KNOW WHO ELSE DOESN'T KNOW THE ANSWER?

R. KELLY.

I GAVE A BLOWJOB TO OSAMA BIN LADEN.

HA! THE LOOK ON YOUR FACE!

I DID, THOUGH.

TERRORCON '94.

♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK ♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK

♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK-A-WAWK WAWK BAWK BAWK ♪

♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK ♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK

♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK-A-WAWK WAWK BAWK BAWK ♪

♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK ♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK

♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK-A-WAWK WAWK BAWK BAWK ♪

BA-GAWK! BAWK.