Original subtitles

[ THUNDER CRASHES ] [ LAUGHS EVILLY ]

[ SAWING ]

[ ELECTRICITY CRACKLES ]

IT'S ALIVE!

[ THUNDER CRASHES ] [ LAUGHS EVILLY ]

[ SMOOCH! ] [ LAUGHS EVILLY ]

HEY!

UNH!

HEY!

UNH!

HEY!

OUR GAME, "CANDY CRUSH SAGA," IS SO SIMPLE AND ADDICTIVE --

JUST MATCH THREE ITEMS IN A ROW!

HA! WHY HASN'T ANYONE THOUGHT OF THIS BEFORE?

YEAH, I CAME UP WITH IT WHEN I WAS PLAYING "BEJEWELED," BUT

MORE IMPORTANTLY, WHO SHOULD DIRECT THE "CANDY CRASH SAGA"

MOVIE?

WHAT ABOUT ZACK SNYDER?

[ WHOOSHING ] UNH! AH!

[ CRASHING ] AAH!

[ CRASH ]

THIS ENDS NOW!

[ CHILDREN SCREAMING ] MILLIONS ARE DEAD!

BUT I FOUND THREE ORANGE CANDIES!

EH, TOO VIOLENT.

HOW ABOUT TYLER PERRY?

OOH, LAWDY!

I JUST GOT T'REE OF DEM LITTLE CANDIES IN A ROW, PRAISE BE TO

JESUS!

MADEA, THREE YEARS AGO, I WAS SEXUALLY ASSAULTED AT A

FRATERNITY PARTY.

NOW I'M ADDICTED TO CRACK.

LOVE IS MORE POWERFUL THAN ANY ADDICTION, BABY GIRL.

IN FACT, IT IS ONE.

THAT GOT REALLY DARK AND WEIRD AT THE END.

EH, THEY ALL DO.

YOU THINK IT'S GONNA BE "BIG MOMMA'S HOUSE," AND THEN IT

TURNS INTO SOME HIGH-SCHOOL GIRL'S IDEA OF A "RELEVANT"

PLAY.

THOSE PETER JACKSON MOVIES MAKE A LOT OF MONEY!

♪ PASS THE MINTS AND SHARE THE TREATS ♪

♪ WON'T THE VIEWERS THINK IT'S SWEET? ♪

THIS SCENE HAS GONE ON FOR 45 MINUTES, AND I STILL DON'T KNOW

WHAT A HOBBIT IS.

RUN, YOU FOOLS!

EH, IT DOESN'T MATTER WHO DIRECTS IT.

WE'RE THE BIGGEST THING ON THE INTERNET!

IT'LL BE A HIT NO MATTER WHAT!

YOU'RE RIGHT!

HEY, I GOTTA GET HOME SOON.

"SHIT MY DAD SAYS" IS ON TONIGHT!

OH, NO, PHIL.

NO. NO, IT ISN'T.

HAHAHA HA-HA!

HAHAHA HA-HA!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

[ CELLPHONE RINGS ] HELLO?

OH, DAD? WHY ARE YOU CALLING?

WHAT? WHEN?

I JU-- I JUST SAW HER!

OH, MY GOD.

WAS THE OTHER DRIVER DRUNK OR...

YEAH, I'LL HOP ON THE FIRST PLANE OUT OF HERE.

[ SNIFFLES ] I LOVE YOU, DAD.

[ Sobbing ] WUHAHA HA-HA.

WUHAHA HA-HA.

WUHAHAHAHAHAHA HA-HAAAAAA.

"AND THE DRAGON AND THE SQUIRREL SKIPPED DOWN

PEPPERCORN LANE..."

HEY!

HUH? WHAT?

I NEED YOU TO UNDERSTAND THAT ONCE YOU FALL ASLEEP, THERE IS

ZERO VALUE IN ME READING THIS BOOK.

I SURE DID HAVE A GOOD TIME TONIGHT, JACK.

YEAH, ME TOO.

MAYBE WE COULD -- OH, NO!

TONIGHT'S THE FULL MOON?

RUN, SALLY!

RUN AWAY AS FAST AS YOU CAN!

I'M A WEREWOLF!

[ GROANING ] NO, JACK, I'M STAYING!

I LOVE YOU!

WAIT, WHAT?!

I LOVE YOU!

[ GROANING ] THANK YOU?

"THANK YOU"?

I SAY "I LOVE YOU," AND YOU SAY "THANK YOU"?

OH, ARE...WE...DOING THIS NOW?

[ GROANS ] [ Straining ] I THINK YOU...ARE

VERY NICE!

I JUST GOT OUT OF A LONG-TERM THING, SO --

LOOK, I'M TURNING INTO A WEREWOLF.

YOU SHOULD REALLY GO -- AAAARRRRRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOO!

[ SIGHS ] OH, GOD.

WHAT DID I DO TO SALLY LAST NIGHT?

YOU MADE ME THE HAPPIEST GIRL IN THE WORLD!

[ BOTH CONVERSING IN IRANIAN ]

OH, YEAH!

GO, GO, GO!

[ MACHINE GUNFIRE ] STAY DOWN! STAY DOWN!

GET ON THE GROUND!

[ CLOCK TICKING ] AND YOU FEEL THE ARMY TOOK

ADVANTAGE OF YOU?

YES!

I CAN'T CONTROL WHAT HAPPENS WHEN ANYBODY SAYS "HEY,

KOOL-AID!" OH, YEAH!

WHAT?

WHAT?

WHAT?

KEEP ROLLING.

SO, YOU SEE, KIDS, IF YOU SHARE WITH OTHERS, OTHERS WILL

SHARE WITH YOU -- AAH!

[ CHILDREN SCREAM ]

[ CELLPHONE BEEPS ]

SIRI, I'M HUNGRY FOR A BURRITO.

[ CELLPHONE BEEPS ] I'M SORRY, BANE.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND YOU.

[ CELLPHONE BEEPS ] I WANT YOU TO FIND ME A

BURRITO STORE, SIRI.

[ CELLPHONE BEEPS ] YOUR VOICE IS BARELY AUDIBLE,

BANE.

[ CELLPHONE BEEPS ] BURRITOS IN BANE'S STOMACH

NOW!

[ CELLPHONE BEEPS ] PERHAPS A MASK WAS A BAD

COSTUME CHOICE.

AAH!

WE WILL DRINK HERE, LAWRENCE.

WAIT. WHO OWNS THIS WELL?

WE ARE THIRSTY!

WE WILL DRINK!

WHO STEAL THE WATER FROM THE SHEIK?

AAH!

I'LL BREAK YOUR BACK!

I'LL MAKE YOU HUMBLE!

MY NAME IS T.E. LAWRENCE, AND I COULD USE YOUR ASSISTANCE

IN THIS WAR, SIR.

NOW YOU FRIENDS WITH SHEIKY BABY!

[GUNSHOTS]

I'M GONNA BREAK YOUR BACK!

SUCH BRAVERY!

I'LL MAKE YOU HUMBLE!

HE'S QUITE THE WARRIOR.

YOUNG MEN MAKE WAR.

OLD MEN MAKE PEACE.

OH! SON OF A BITCH!

I'LL MAKE YOU HUMBLE!

OKAY...

[ CAMEL SPITS ] AH!

I'LL MAKE YOU HUMBLE!

THAT'S A LITTLE EXCESSIVE.

AH! [ SPITS ] SAND SHOW NO RESPECT.

SHEIK PUT YOU IN THE CAMEL CLUTCH!

OKAY, THIS GUY'S CRAZY.

DID LAWRENCE AND SHEIKY BABY WIN THE WAR?

I DON'T KNOW.

THIS MOVIE IS 3 HOURS AND 48 MINUTES LONG.

A LOT OF STUFF HAPPENED.

[ TIRES SCREECH ]

[ BIRDS CHIRPING ]

[ SOBBING ]

[ SOBBING CONTINUES ]

GREETINGS, BOOS AND GHOULS!

BOYS AND GIRLS! BOOS AND GHOULS!

FUCK THAT WAS BARELY COHERENT!

TONIGHT WE HAVE THREE TALES OF TERROR GUARANTEED TO CHILL YOU

TO THE "GROANS"!

WAIT, THE WORD "BONES" WAS ALREADY SCARY.

WHY'D WE -- OKAY. WHO CARES?

LET'S KEEP THIS TURD TRAIN ROLLING.

[ THUNDER RUMBLES ] I LOVE MY NEW UNICORN

TRAPPER KEEPER!

THE OLD GYPSY SAID NOT TO OPEN IT AFTER MIDNIGHT.

OH, WELL. COULDN'T HURT.

[ NEIGHS ] HELLO, TRACY!

LET'S BE BEST FRIENDS FOREVER!

OH, MY GOD! YES!

I LOVE YOU!

SAY, WHO'S THIS?

OH, THAT'S JUST MY BOYFRIEND, CHARLIE.

[ NICKERS ] HE LOOKS FUN.

UH, YEAH, I GUESS.

WHAT'S THIS? A POOL PARTY?

COUNT ME IN!

WHOA! A UNICORN!

YOU LOOK LIKE YOU COULD USE SOME SUNSCREEN!

YEAH, I GUESS I DO NEED SOME.

WHOOPS! NO HANDS!

BETTER IMPROVISE!

[ LAUGHS ] THAT TICKLES!

[ LAUGHS ] OH, YEAH.

HEY, CHARLIE -- AAAAAH!

[ MUFFLED SCREAMING ] COULD HAVE SWORN I TIED A

SOCK ON THE DOOR, TRACY.

OH, MY GOD! YOU'RE A MONSTER!

YOU'RE A PERVERT! YOU'RE -- AAH!

THAT WAS A WARNING.

WALK AWAY.

I'D RATHER RIDE.

[ BOTH GRUNTING ] OHH! OOH, AHH.

ALL YOU'VE DONE IS MADE ME STRONGER.

UH-OH.

YOU WANNA GET SUCKED?

GET SUCKED!

NOOOOO!

[ ECHOING NEIGH ] IT'S FINALLY OVER, BABY.

BYE-BYE, COLLEGE FUND.

COLLEGE FUND?

[ CAMERA BEEPING ] EW.

OH, HELLO!

I WAS JUST ENJOYING THE LATEST BEST "HELLER"!

[ LAUGHS ] THIS IS ACTUALLY DAN BROWN'S

"INFERNO."

IT'S A PIECE OF SHIT.

OUR NEXT TALE IS SOMETHING OF AN "ALLE-GORY"!

YOU MIGHT SAY IT'S A "META-GORE"!

LET'S JUST ROLL IT.

[ CRICKETS CHIRPING ]

GET OUT...

GET OUT OF THE HOUSE.

GET OUT OF THE HOU-- WHY DON'T YOU GET YOUR TONGUE

OUT OF YOUR DADDY'S ASSHOLE SO I CAN JAM YOUR MAMA'S COCK

UP THERE, YOU JIZZ-GARGLING PILE OF MONKEY SPUNK?

NOTHING TO SAY NOW, HUH?

THERE'S JUST A LOT TO UNPACK THERE.

WELL, WAKE ME UP WHEN YOU FIGURE IT OUT, SHIT STICK.

[ SNORES ]

[ YAWNS ]

BLAM!

WHERE'S YOUR PUSSY-ASS ART PROJECT NOW, FUCK NUT?

IT WASN'T SUPPOSED TO BE ART!

IT WAS SUPPOSED TO SCARE YOU!

GOD! FORGET IT! I'M LEAVING!

[ CRICKETS CHIRPING ] STRAWBERRY SHORTCAKE!

HUH? WHAT?

GET OUT OF THE HOUSE!

[ THUNDER RUMBLES ] AAAAAH!

HEY, FUCK CLOWN, IF YOU'RERAGGING SO BAD, WHY DON'T YOU

TAKE YOUR MAMA'S TAMPON OUT OF YOUR DADDY'S ASSHOLE AND

LICK IT CLEAN BEFORE YOU SHOVE IT UP YOUR PUSSY?

HEY, STOP TALKING ABOUT MY DAD'S ASSHOLE!

I'LL LEAVE TOWN, OKAY?

OH, FYI, THAT ISN'T BLOOD.

THAT IS STRAWBERRY JAM, M'LADY.

THE INSULATION IS LEAKING.

ALL I DID WAS TURN THE PAINTING UPSIDE DOWN.

LIVE WITH IT.

DO YOU THINK HE WAS RIGHT ABOUT THE INSULATION?

THAT COULD BE BERRY EXPENSIVE.

HMM, LET'S SEE.

THAT DEPENDS ON WHETHER I GIVE A FUCK, SHIT TITS!

DUN DUN-DUN-DAAAA!

BITCH PUDDING!

BLAM!

[ CRASH ] I SHOULD REALLY MOVE.

NOW THAT'S WHAT I CALL BARE-BONES STORYTELLING!

[ LAUGHS ] IT'S LIKE THE WRITERS WERE

"SCARE-LY" TRYING!

[ LAUGHS ] LET'S KEEP MOVING.

HONEY, I'M RUNNING TO THE STORE!

YOU BE CAREFUL OUT THERE, GEORGE R.R. MARTIN.

HEY, GEORGE!

GEORGE R.R. MARTIN!

GEORGE!

WHEN'S THE NEXT BOOK GONNA BE FINISHED?

WILL IT BE FINISHED TODAY?

SAY TODAY!

IS JON SNOW'S MOM REALLY MELISANDRE?

IT MAKES PERFECT SENSE, IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT!

HEY, GEORGE!

IF THE LAND BEYOND THE WALL IS A METAPHOR FOR CANADA...

...THEN WHAT'S NEW JERSEY?

ARE DIRE WOLVES REAL?

CAN I HAVE EMILIA CLARKE'S PHONE NUMBER?

THREE-EYED RAVEN!

CAN I DO BRIENNE?

STAY -- STAY BACK!

GEORGE R.R. MARTIN!

OH!

NO! NO!

IS BRIENNE DOABLE?

JON AND YGRITTE!

THAT WAS WEIRD.

ANYWAY, TUNE IN NEXT "SHRIEK" WHEN WE --

OH, WE'RE NOT BACK NEXT "SHRIEK"?

WE WERE CANCELED YEARS AGO?

YOU MEAN "FEARS" AGO!

OH, YOU'RE SERIOUS.

WELL, FUCK ME, JERRY, I -- [ LAUGHS ]

[ SOBBING ]

JERRY, WHERE'D YOU GO?

JERRY, WHERE'D YOU GO?!

DON'T LEAVE YOUR BOY, JERRY!

I'M YOUR BOY!

WHY-Y-Y?

I'VE GOT NOWHERE TO GO!

[ SOBBING ]