Original subtitles

[ THUNDER CRASHES ] >> [ LAUGHS EVILLY ]

[ SAWING ] [ ELECTRICITY CRACKLES ]

>> IT'S ALIVE!

[ THUNDER CRASHES ] >> [ LAUGHS EVILLY ]

[ SMOOCH! ] [ LAUGHS EVILLY ]

[ DANCE MUSIC PLAYS ] >> UH...

>> MMM...M&M's.

[ CRUNCH! ] OH FUCKING GROSS, MAN.

THIS ISN'T EVEN CLOSE TO AN M&M.

>> [ CHUCKLES ] THEY'RE REESE'S PIECE--

[ GASPS ] WHAT THE HELL?!

>> [ GROWLS ] >> THIS ONE'S THROAT IS INJURED.

>> THEIR RACE IS SO PRIMITIVE AND YET SO FASCINATING.

♪ THEIR SKIN IS NAKED TO THE BREEZE ♪

♪ DID THEIR FUR FALL OUT FROM SOME DISEASE? ♪

♪ THEY'RE PALE AND FRAIL AND SMELL LIKE A LATRINE ♪

♪ BUT I FEEL LIKE I MUST TAKE THE RISK, FOR MY CHOSEN JOB IS

SCIENTIST ♪ ♪ SO EVEN THOUGH MY FRIENDS

MIGHT FIND IT TOO OBSCENE ♪ ♪ I'M GONNA FUCK A HUMAN

>> WHAT?

>> ♪ FUCK A HUMAN ♪ FU-UCK A

♪ FUCK A HUMAN >> CORNELIUS, MY PENCIL BROKE.

BE A DEAR AND FETCH ME ANOTHER?

>> RIGHT AWAY.

>> PHEW!

♪ THIS CHICK'S CUTE, BUT SMELLS LIKE BALLS ♪

♪ I GUESS SHE'LL DO WHEN NATURE CALLS ♪

♪ BUT ASTRONAUTS ARE USED TO BETTER TA-A-A-NG ♪

♪ ZIRA NEEDS AN ASTRO-PIMP ♪ I'M LIMP TO BLIMP WHEN I SEE

THAT CHIMP ♪ ♪ PERHAPS OUR COMMON LANGUAGE

WILL BE "GANG BANG" ♪ ♪ I'M GONNA FUCK A MONKEY

♪ FUCK A MONKEY ♪ FUCK A

♪ FUCK A MONKEY >> HUMAN, YOU CAN TALK!

>> HELL YES, I CAN TALK, AND I CAN ALSO HEAR, LIKE WHEN I HEAR

DAMN DIRTY APES VOWING TO STICK THEIR DAMN DIRTY APE DORKS INTO

US HUMANS.

>> AND I HEARD YOU VOW TO PUT YOUR DISGUSTING, HAIRLESS, HUMAN

SKIN FLUTE INTO ONE OF US APES.

>> ON MY PLANET, WE HAVE A TERM FOR THIS...

>> Both: "BEST SUMMER EVER!" >> IF HIS THEORY IS CORRECT,

ANY ONE OF THOSE DISEASES COULD BE USED TO CAMOUFLAGE HIM FROM

THE ZOMBIES.

>> BUT HE DOESN'T KNOW WHICH DISEASES ARE IN THE VIALS.

>> NO, NOT THAT ONE.

>> OH, THIS IS BRUTAL.

OH, GOD, HE'S...

>> NO.

>> YEP, HE JUST INJECTED HIMSELF WITH AIDS.

>> IT WORKED.

>> OH, BUT HE DEFINITELY HAS AIDS NOW.

>> OH, GEEZ, HE'S -- HE'S CELEBRATING.

[ EXHALES SHARPLY ] THIS IS SAD.

>> WHAT'S HE DOING NOW?

IS HE GOING BACK FOR MORE?

>> OH, I CAN'T WATCH THIS.

OH, GOD, WE ARE MAKING A SNUFF FILM.

>> ISN'T AIDS A LIVABLE DISEASE NOWADAYS?

>> THAT'S HIV, NOT AIDS.

>> COME ON, NO!

>> OH, THIS IS BRUTAL.

>> WHAT'S HE DOING NOW?

>> D-DON'T. NO, DON'T!

DON'T DO IT!

THIS IS ABSURD.

>> DID HE JUST DRINK HIS OWN PISS?!

>> HE'S ALL HOPPED UP ON AIDS.

>> WHOO!

>> WHERE DID HE GET THAT SOMBRERO?

>> IT WAS FIRST PRIZE FOR PUTTING A FORK IN WORLD WAR Z!

[ GROANS ] [ RETCHING ]

>> OH, BOY, IT SURE IS A GREAT DAY HERE ON SESAME STREET!

>> YEAH, ESPECIALLY SINCE WE'RE THE LAST NEIGHBORHOOD IN

NEW YORK THAT HASN'T BEEN GENTRIFIED.

>> UNTIL TODAY BECAUSE OUR SPECIAL GUEST IS HANNAH HORVATH

FROM THE "MARGINALLY POPULAR, BUT IGNORED IN THE FLYOVER

STATES" HBO SERIES "GIRLS."

>> HEY!

DO YOU KNOW WHERE I COULD FIND A COCAINE DEALER/ORGANIC

VIETNAMESE TACO TRUCK AROUND HERE?

>> FUCK ME.

>> OOH, YOU'RE SO CUTE.

I REALLY LOVE HOW YOU DON'T PLAY GAMES, GROVER.

>> OH, BUT I PLAY LOTS OF GAMES -- PATTY CAKE AND

MARCO POLO -- >> OH, YEAH!

INSULT MY PARENTS!

[ MOANS ] OH, YEAH!

>> WHOA!

TODAY WE ARE GOING TO LEARN ABOUT THE NUMBER 3.

I HAVE THREE APPLES.

>> AND I KNOW THREE GIRLS WHO WERE DATE-RAPED AT THE SAME BAR

ON SIXTH STREET.

>> THAT IS SAD.

[ CHOMP! ] UH...YOU'RE EATING MY PROPS.

>> I'M PROUD OF MY BODY.

>> I KNOW. I KNOW.

>> [ GROANS ] YEAH!

>> OH, GOD!

>> YEAH!

>> [ LAUGHS ] YEAH!

[ TIRES SCREECH ] >> FUCKING JERRY, MAN.

THAT GUY IS ALWAYS STRAIGHT-UP KILLING IT.

>> AND NOW BACK TO "INDIAN LOVE BOAT."

>> SIVA WILL MARRY MY UNCLE JARISH, FOR HE HAS PAID

HER DOWRY.

AND, RAVI, YOU WILL MARRY THE 10-YEAR-OLD DAUGHTER OF YOUR

NEIGHBOR.

>> BUT I HAVE ALREADY KNOWN RAVI'S TOUCH!

>> YOU WHORE!

>> I HAVE SHAMED MY FAMILY!

[ WATER SPLASHES ] >> ♪ THE INDIAN LOVE BOAT

[ FOG HORN BLOWS ] ♪ WAS THIS SKETCH PROGRESSIVE OR

RACIST? ♪ ♪ THE INDIAN LOVE BOAT

♪ I WROTE IT, AND FRANKLY I'M NOT SURE ♪

♪ THE INDIAN LOVE BOAT ♪ COULD I SHOW THIS TO AN INDIAN

FRIEND? ♪ ♪ THE INDIAN LOVE BOAT

[ ELEPHANT TRUMPETS ] ♪ MAYBE IT'S BEST TO JUST MOVE

ON ♪ >> IN 1998, TWO TWINS MET AND

REUNITED THEIR MOM AND DAD IN...

>> Both: A PARENT TRAP!

>> NOW WE FIND OUT HOW IT ALL BEGAN...

>> I WANT A DIVORCE!

>> THANK GOD!

>> ...WITH TWO LITTLE COMPLICATIONS...

>> YOU'RE PREGNANT.

>> Both: AW, FUCK! >> WITH TWINS.

>> Both: ARE YOU THINKING WHAT I'M THINKING?

>> ...AND ONLY ONE SOLUTION.

>> WHAT?

YOU WANT TO SPLIT UP TWIN SISTERS?

YOU UNDERSTAND THAT CHILDREN ARE NOT LIKE MONETARY POSSESSIONS.

>> I DO NOT, YOUR HONOR!

>> NEITHER DO I!

>> OKAY, I'LL ALLOW IT.

>> YOU GO BACK TO ENGLAND WITH YOURS.

>> AND YOU STAY HERE WITH YOURS.

>> Both: AND WE NEVER LET THEM KNOW THE OTHER EXISTS.

[ CLAP! ] >> SOMETIMES HAPPY ENDINGS HAVE

TRULY HORRIFYING, GLOSSED-OVER BEGINNINGS!

>> [ Laughing ] BYE FOREVER!

>> IDEALLY!

>> IT'S GOOD TO BE BACK.

COOL, MAN.

WHERE'S MY FOOD?

>> OH, IT'S OVER THERE.

YEAH, IT'S ON THE FILTHY GROUND NOW, 'CAUSE WE HEAR THAT YOU EAT

FOOD OFF THE FILTHY GROUND NOW.

FUCKIN' SAVAGE.

>> AND WE ARE IN MONTH THREE OF OVERTIME AS THE PUCK IS STILL

STUCK UNDER PLAYER 12's FOOT.

[ KNOCK ON DOOR ] >> OH, GOODIE!

THE WHORE I ORDERED.

OH!

>> HELLO, MR. FRANKLIN!

OH, IF ONLY THERE WAS A WAY I COULD SEE MORE OF HER BODY AND

LESS OF THAT FACE.

OH, WELL.

IT'S NOT LIKE THEY MAKE GLASSES WITH TWO DIFFERENT TYPES OF

LENSES.

HMM...

>> AND IT WAS ON THAT NIGHT THAT BENJAMIN FRANKLIN CAME UP WITH

ONE OF HIS MOST FAMOUS INVENTIONS.

>> THERE...SHOULD BE A...POSTAL SERVICE!

>> OH, YEAH!

>> [ MOANS ] >> UGH, BRUCE!

ALL WE'VE DONE SINCE WE GOT TO FLORENCE IS SIT AT DIFFERENT

CAFéS AND WAIT FOR ALFRED TO RANDOMLY WALK IN.

>> LISTEN, SELINA, I KNOW ALFRED GOES TO SOME CAFé ALONG THE

ARNO, I JUST DON'T KNOW WHICH ONE, OKAY?!

>> CAN'T YOU JUST TELL HIM YOU'RE ALIVE IN AN E-MAIL?

THIS IS MY FIFTH ESPRESSO TODAY.

I AM ABOUT TO SHIT MYSELF!

>> SELINA, IF YOU CAN JUST BE COOL, LIKE, FOR ONCE, THIS HAS

THE POTENTIAL TO BE SUCH AN EPIC AND AWESOME MOMENT!

OH, MY GOD.

OH, MY GOD. OH, MY GOD!

SHUT THE FUCK UP. HE'S HERE!

JUST LOOK COOL!

[ DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS ] >> THAT WAS IT?

[ FARTING ] AAH! I TOLD YOU!

GOD DAMN IT, SELINA!

>> [ Italian accent ] HEY, IS THAT-A BRUCE WAYNE?

HE'S ALIVE!

>> SON OF A BITCH.

>> CH-CH-CH-CHEESE!!

CRIKEY!

TASTES LIKE SOMEONE CRANKED OFF ON ME GUMS!

>> MONTEREY!

THAT'S MY VEGAN CHEESE!

>> CALL IT CHEESE ONE MORE TIME.

I DARE YOU, SWEETHEART.

I FUCKING DARE YOU!!

>> YOU WON THE DAY, BUT I'LL GET YOU NEXT TIME, GADGET!

[ TELEPHONE RINGS ] >> YES?

>> HI, IS THIS DR. CLAW?

>> YES.

>> YEAH, HEY, DR. CLAW.

SO, MY NAME IS NEV.

I'M ACTUALLY A FRIEND OF INSPECTOR GADGET, AND HE TELLS

ME THAT YOU GUYS HAVE BEEN IN SOME KIND OF DEATH STRUGGLE FOR

ABOUT 10 YEARS NOW?

>> [ GROANS ] THAT'S RIGHT.

>> AND YOU'VE NEVER MET.

>> I'M SHY.

>> SO, THIS IS WEIRD, BUT I MAKE A SHOW FOR MTV CALLED "CATFISH,"

AND I'D LIKE TO SET UP A MEETING WITH YOU AND INSPECTOR GADGET.

>> I GUESS.

SURE.

>> ARE YOU READY FOR THIS?

>> TO MEET THE MAN WHO'S PLOTTED IN SECRET TO DESTROY MY LIFE,

ALL BECAUSE YOU OFFERED US A CHANCE TO BE ON TELEVISION?

IT MAKES PERFECT SENSE!

MY BRAIN'S BEEN REPLACED WITH A BOXING GLOVE.

[ DOOR OPENS ] >> HOLD ON.

>> MY NAME IS REGINA CLAW.

AND I'VE BEEN TRYING TO KILL YOU BECAUSE I'M IN LOVE WITH YOU.

>> GO, GO, GADGET CLOSURE!

[ BOTH CRYING ] MY ENEMY, MY FRIEND.

>> HI, I'M NEV.

A COUPLE YEARS AGO, I FELL IN LOVE ONLINE.

SHE WASN'T WHO I THOUGHT SHE WAS, SO I CALLED HER A CATFISH,

THE MOST DISGUSTING FISH IN THE SEA ON A NATIONAL STAGE.

AND NOW I'M HELPING OTHER PEOPLE FIND THEIR CATFISH, WHICH IS A

SUPER-COMPLICATED THING THAT TAKES WAY TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN.

SO, LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT.

SOME CHARLIE GUY HAS BEEN SENDING YOU ON MISSIONS FOR THE

LAST FIVE YEARS, BUT YOU GUYS HAVE NEVER MET HIM?

>> IT'S A FUN MYSTERY.

>> I'M AFRAID CHARLIE MIGHT BE A CATFISH.

>> AND...WHAT'S THAT AGAIN?

>> SO, THEY USED TO TRANSPORT COD ACROSS THE ATLANTIC AND --

LOOK, IT ACTUALLY MAKES A LOT LESS SENSE IF I EXPLAIN IT.

CHARLIE, CAN YOU COME OUT HERE, PLEASE?

>> All: CHARLIE?!

>> YOU' THE ONE WHO SENT US ON MISSIONS WHERE WE HAD TO WEAR

BIKINIS AND SLEEP WITH MEN AND THEN TELL YOU EVERY DETAIL?

OH, THIS MAKES PERFECT SENSE.

>> SO...WHICH ONE OF US IS THE CATFISH NOW?

>> MAKE IT 40 CUBITS HIGH, NO!

>> I WILL, GOD!

>> NOAH, COME ON.

YOU'VE BEEN BUILDING THIS ARK FOR YEARS, BUT HAVE YOU EVER MET

GOD?

>> NO ONE LOOKS UPON THE GLORY OF GOD.

>> OH, BOY. I'M SORRY, NOAH.

THIS ISN'T AN ARK.

IT'S A FISHING BOAT.

AND YOU JUST CAUGHT A CATFISH.

GOD?

>> SORRY, MAN, I JUST -- [ CLEARS THROAT ]

I JUST -- I REALLY NEEDED A BOAT.

>> YOU'VE CHANGED MY LIFE, CATFISH.

MY NAME'S NOT CATFISH.

"CATFISH" IS THE NAME OF THE SHOW.

>> OH, REALLY?

>> [ SCREECHES ] [ BOTH GRUNTING ]

>> [ SCREECHING ] >> ♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK

♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK ♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK-A-WAWK WAWK

BAWK BAWK ♪ ♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK

♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK ♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK-A-WAWK WAWK

BAWK BAWK ♪ ♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK

♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK ♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK-A-WAWK WAWK

BAWK BAWK ♪ BA-GAWK! BAWK.