Original subtitles

[ THUNDER CRASHES ] >> [ LAUGHS EVILLY ]

[ SAWING ] [ ELECTRICITY CRACKLES ]

>> IT'S ALIVE!

[ THUNDER CRASHES ] >> [ LAUGHS EVILLY ]

[ SMOOCH! ] [ LAUGHS EVILLY ]

>> AND NOW BACK TO DISNEY'S "GARGOYLES."

>> [ SCOFFS ] PLEASE STOP SAYING THAT EVERY

TIME WE START TO HAVE SEX.

>> HONEY, COME ON.

WE ARE UNATTRACTIVE PEOPLE.

I'M JUST OWNING IT.

>> FIND McCLANE AND BRING ME MY DETONATORS.

>> UNLESS YOU WANT IT TO GET MESSY OUT THERE, I SUGGEST YOU

START ORGANIZING TRIPS TO THE BATHROOM.

AND FYI -- THE EAST BATHROOM IS BEING REDONE AND ONLY HAS A

URINAL.

>> FINE.

[ DOOR OPENS ] [ HOSTAGES SCREAM ]

>> ATTENTION.

IF YOU ARE A MALE WHO HAS TO GO PEE REALLY, REALLY BAD, RAISE

YOUR HAND AND KEEP IT RAISED.

THIS IS YOUR BATHROOM PASS.

WHEN YOUR GROUP COLOR IS CALLED, YOU MUST SHOW THE LEADER YOUR

PASS BEFORE YOUR GROUP CAN PROCEED TO THE BATHROOM.

IF YOU ARE A WOMAN WHO HAS TO GO POO, YOU ARE IN THE AQUA GROUP.

[ STATIC ] >> Hey, Hans, I just took a dump

in the east bathroom urinal.

>> REGROUP!

EVERYONE HAND BACK YOUR LAMINATES.

>> UH, THIS IS THE SOURCE OF THE TRANSMISSION, BUT NOBODY'S HERE.

>> SHOULD A COUPLE OF SPACE TRUCKERS BE MAKING FIRST CONTACT

WITH AN ALIEN SHIP?

>> [ Shouting ] SORRY IT'S SO MESSY!

IT'S HARD TO GET MAID SERVICE IN SPACE!

>> [ CHUCKLES ] WHO ARE YOU?

>> MY NAME'S GORDON SHUMWAY.

I CRASH-LANDED HERE.

HOW IRONIC!

MY SHIP GOES DOWN, MY INSURANCE PREMIUM GOES UP!

[ BOTH LAUGH ] >> THAT WAS HILARIOUS.

MAYBE WE SHOULD TAKE HIM BACK TO THE NOSTROMO.

>> Ripley here.

Quarantine procedure says we are forbidden from bringing any

alien life form on board, Kane.

>> THANKS, CAPTAIN PARANOID OF THE S.S. "RULES"!

WE'RE BRINGING THIS HILARIOUS MOTHERFUCKER ABOARD.

>> OOH, NICE OUTFIT, BRETT.

I DIDN'T KNOW THERE WAS A GOODWILL IN SPACE!

[ LAUGHTER ] >> THIS GUY'S JOKES ARE OBVIOUS.

I WANT HIM OFF THE SHIP.

>> THE CRAZY CAT LADY WHO DOESN'T WANT US TO HAVE ANY FUN

DOESN'T WANT US TO HAVE ANY FUN?

I'M GOBSMACKED.

>> SERIOUSLY, BRETT, I DRESS BETTER THAN YOU, AND I'M NAKED!

[ LAUGHTER ] >> [ COUGHING, CHOKING ]

>> WHOA!

SOMEONE GET THAT GUY A TUMS!

[ LAUGHTER ] >> I CAN'T NOT LAUGH AT THIS

GUY.

>> YOUR FRIEND JUST CHOKED TO DEATH!

YOUR SHITTY JOKES ARE GOING TO KILL MY CREW.

>> CAN'T YOU SEE, RIPLEY?

HE'S THE PERFECT ORGANISM.

HIS JOKES ARE FLAWLESS IN STRUCTURE AND DELIVERY.

HE NAILS IT EVERY FUCKING TIME.

>> BUT KANE IS DEAD!

>> THE ONLY THING THAT DIED IS YOUR INTERIOR DECORATOR.

GEESH!

[ LAUGHTER ] [ ALL CHOKING ]

WHAT A DELICIOUS-LOOKING CAT.

ALLOW ME TO INTRODUCE IT TO MY STOMACH.

HERE, DINNER, DINNER, DINNER.

[ CAT YOWLS ]

>> GET AWAY FROM HER, YOU HACK!

>> ANOTHER OUTFIT CHANGE?!

WHAT IS THIS -- THE OSCARS?

HA! I KILL ME!

>> NO. I KILL YOU.

>> HEY, RELAX!

EVER HEAR OF DECAF?

THAT'S GONNA LEAVE A MARK.

ANYBODY GOT ANY BACTINE?

>> JUST SHOUTING SOMETHING DOESN'T MAKE IT FUNNY!

>> IS THIS BECAUSE I DIDN'T USE A COASTER-R-R-R-R-R?!

[ WIND WHISTLING ] >> JUST A LIZARD WIZARD IN A

BLIZZARD, YO.

NOTHING TO SEE HERE.

>> MUCKMAN, YOU STAY HERE AND KEEP APRIL SAFE.

WE'LL GO AFTER SHREDDER!

>> MAN, SHREDDER AND STUFF.

CRAZINESS.

>> YEAH.

>> HEY. QUESTION.

IS THERE A FULL BANANA PEEL MELTING INTO MY HEAD RIGHT NOW?

>> YES.

>> THAT IS UNFORTUNATE.

[ LOUD FART ] WHAT THE...WHO DID THAT, MAN?

THAT WAS PROBABLY KRANG OR SOMETHING.

>> KRANG WAS NEVER HERE.

IT'S JUST US.

>> NAH, THAT WAS PROBABLY KRANG, I BET.

SO NASTY! THAT GUY, MAN.

>> UH, THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE.

I WOULD'VE SEEN HIM.

>> NAH, MAN.

NAH, HE WAS HERE.

HE BLEW ASS, AND THEN HE LEFT.

>> MUCKMAN, I KNOW YOU'RE LYING.

>> FREAKING KRANG, MAN.

>> THERE IS NO WAY KRANG CAME IN, FARTED FOR 10 WHOLE SECONDS,

AND THEN LEFT.

I ABSOLUTELY WOULD'VE SEEN THAT OCCUR.

LOOK, I DON'T CARE!

YOU HAD GAS! IT HAPPENS!

JUST PLEASE DON'T BLATANTLY LIE TO MY FACE!

>> COOL, MAN! NO! COOL!

ABSOLUTELY. I'M SORRY. COOL.

WE -- WE ARE COOL.

KRANG, MAN.

>> IT WAS NOT KRANG!!

>> [ PANTING ] >> HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOAP ON A

ROPE?

HOW DID I MANAGE TO LOSE IT?

IT'S ON A FREAKIN' ROPE! HA!

>> IT'S STILL NOT EVEN A JOKE.

>> I'M GLAD WE FINALLY ADMITTED WE JUST DON'T WORK AS ROOMMATES.

>> NOW PEOPLE WILL STOP SAYING WE'RE GAY.

>> AH, THIS IS MUCH EASIER THAN ONE OF US EVER GETTING A

GIRLFRIEND.

[ KNOCK ON DOOR ] OH, THAT MUST BE THE NEW

ROOMMATE.

I FOUND HIM OFF CRAIGSLIST.

>> UM, IS THAT SAFE?

>> WHERE CAN I PUT MY SPOONS?

HEY, BERT?

DUDE, AM I WAKING YOU UP, MAN?

HEY.

>> WHAT?!

>> YOU EVER PUT A GUN IN YOUR MOUTH, JUST TO GET THAT TASTE ON

YOUR TONGUE?

>> NO, SAM.

>> HEY, BERT! BERT.

>> WHAT? WHAT?!

>> DO I HAVE BLOOD IN MY MUSTACHE, BERT?

>> OH, IS THIS ANOTHER HAREBRAINED SCHEME LIKE ERNIE?

OH, MY GOD!

YOU'RE SHITTING IN THE SINK!

>> YOUR TOILET INSULTED MY SPOONS!

[ MID-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYING ] >> HEY, KIDS!

DO YOU HAVE TROUBLE TYING YOUR SHOES?

WELL, SAM AND I HAVE A SONG ABOUT IT!

♪ TYING YOUR SHOES IS SO MUCH FUN ♪

>> ♪ THE AMERICAN GOVERNMENT PLANNED 9/11 ♪

>> UH... ♪ YOU MAKE TWO LOOPS THAT LOOK THE SAME ♪

>> ♪ EVERYONE KNOWS THERE WAS NO SECOND PLANE ♪

WHOOPS! UH-OH!

MY TOOTH FELL OUT!

GUESS ANOTHER ANGEL GOT HIS WINGS.

>> HEY, BERT! JUST WANTED TO -- WHOA! WHAT HAPPENED?!

>> OH, ERNIE, I TRIED TO MAKE SAM THE NEW YOU, BUT INSTEAD, HE

MADE ME THE NEW SMACKHEAD DAVE!

>> OH, BERT, I CAN CHEER YOU UP.

[ POP ] [ RASPY LAUGHS ]

>> HEY, I CAN DO THAT, TOO.

[ GRUNTING ] >> AAH! OH, GOD!

>> DON'T GO!

>> I MUST, JOHN CONNOR.

TO PROTECT THE FUTURE, I MUST BE DESTROYED.

>> WAIT!

OF ALL THE ABUSIVE FATHERS THAT CAME AND WENT, YOU -- A-A

TERMINATOR -- WERE THE ONLY POSITIVE INFLUENCE.

STAY. BE JOHN'S FATHER.

>> DAD?

>> AFFIRMATIVE.

>> YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PICK ME UP FROM SCHOOL AND TAKE ME TO A

DODGER GAME!

>> OOPS! FORGOT!

>> I ORDER YOU NOT TO FORGET STUFF!

>> NEGATIVE.

A STRING OF NEGLECTFUL FATHER FIGURES GAVE YOU A STRONG

DISTRUST OF AUTHORITY.

THAT TRAIT LED TO YOUR ROLE AS LEADER OF THE RESISTANCE AND

SAVIOR OF THE HUMAN RACE.

SO GO GET ME ANOTHER BEER, YOU PIECE OF SHIT.

[ CAN CLATTERS ] WHAT ARE YOU DOING, IDIOT?

>> WRITING A SHORT STORY FOR SCHOOL.

[ BEEPING ] >> WOULD YOU LIKE MY REVIEW?

THIS IS TERRIBLE.

YOU DON'T WRITE STORIES AGAIN.

YOU SUCK AT IT.

>> DON'T WORRY! I WON'T!

[ SOBBING ] [ WHIRRING, BEEPING ]

I AM DRUNK!

>> [ SCOFFS ] GOOD FOR YOU.

>> DON'T SMOKE IN MY HOUSE, BOY!

>> I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANT IN MY ROOM!

[ BEEPING ] >> NOW YOUR ROOM HAS NO WALL, SO

IT'S TECHNICALLY PART OF MY HOUSE!

HASTA LA VISTA, BUTT-NUT!

>> HE HAS A POINT, JOHN.

>> IF WE'RE GOING TO SAVE THIS SHIP, WE'LL HAVE TO TAP INTO THE

NAVIGATION COMPUTER AND -- >> WINONA RYDER'S ON THIS SHIP?!

LOCK MY TRAILER!

MY iPOD'S IN THERE! HA!

>> I DON'T USUALLY GET INVOLVED IN DAY-TO-DAY OPERATIONS, SO I'M

SMURFING UNDERCOVER.

THEY'LL NEVER SMURF IT'S ME.

[ CHUCKLES ] OHH, I HAVEN'T SMURFED THESE

THINGS OFF IN NEARLY 300 YEARS!

TALK ABOUT CROTCH ROT!

>> SO, YOU'RE MY NEW INTERN, HUH?

>> THAT'S RIGHT, FARMER SMURF.

TEACH ME TO CARE ABOUT YOUR SAD, LITTLE LIFE -- I MEAN YOUR NOBLE

AND FULFILLING, UH, CAREER CHOICE.

>> WELL, SMURFS ARE A THIRSTY BUNCH, SO WE GOT TO SMURF THEM

FRESH MILK EVERY DAY!

>> WE'VE BEEN DRINKING CATERPILLAR MILK?!

OH, THIS IS AGONY.

IT FEELS LIKE MY HANDS ARE GONNA SMURF OFF!

>> YEP, MY CARPAL TUNNEL GOT SO BAD, THEY HAD TO FUSE MY WRIST

BONES IN PLACE!

>> BUT OUR HEALTHCARE IS SMURFY, RIGHT?

>> EH, MY DEDUCTIBLE IS 2,000 SMURFBERRIES.

>> WHAT?!

[ CASH REGISTER DINGS ] >> DR. SMURF, WHY ARE

DEDUCTIBLES SO HIGH?

>> BOY, YOU SMURF A LOT OF UPPITY QUESTIONS FOR AN INTERN.

UH, JUST TREAT THE NEXT PATIENT WHILE I GO FOR A JAMBA-JUICE RUN

IN MY GOLD-PLATED HELICOPTER.

ZOOM, ZOOM.

>> ACTUALLY, I'M NOT REALLY QUALIFIED.

I -- [ DOOR OPENS ]

>> WE NEED DR. SMURF!

HANDY HAD AN ACCIDENT!

>> DID SOMEONE GET A SLIVER?

OH, MY SMURFING GOD!

>> I SAWED RIGHT THROUGH A LOAD-BEARING MUSHROOM!

HALF OUR BUILDING MATERIALS ARE FUNGUS!

OH, TRADE SCHOOL DIDN'T PREPARE ME FOR THIS!

>> YOU CAN SMURF HIS FINGERS, RIGHT, NURSE?

>> I'LL CERTAINLY TRY.

>> I'LL CERTAINLY TRIED.

>> [ Crying ] YOU CAN PROBABLY STOP SEWING.

>> NO, NO, NO.

I-I'M GONNA GET THIS.

SO, GROUCHY SMURF, HOW'S THE COFFEE TODAY?

>> I HATE COFFEE!

>> OH! OKAY.

BUT HOW DO YOU LIKE WORKING HERE?

>> I HATE WORKING HERE.

>> OH, GOODNESS. OKAY.

WELL, IS THERE ANYTHING THAT MAYBE PAPA SMURF COULD DO?

>> I HATE PAPA SMURF!

>> ALL RIGHT, WHAT EXACTLY DO YOU DO AROUND HERE?

>> I, UM -- I...

HATE STUFF?

>> I'M BEING DEADLY SERIOUS.

>> I...I...

I HATE SHOVELING DOG SHIT.

>> WELL, NOW THAT'S ACTUALLY AN APPROPRIATE REACTION.

CARRY ON, DOG-SHIT SMURF!

>> ♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK ♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK

♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK-A-WAWK WAWK BAWK BAWK ♪

♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK ♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK

♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK-A-WAWK WAWK BAWK BAWK ♪

♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK ♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK

♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK-A-WAWK WAWK BAWK BAWK ♪

BA-GAWK! BAWK.

>> HEY. QUESTION.

IS THERE A FULL BANANA PEEL MELTING INTO MY HEAD RIGHT NOW?

>> YES.

>> THAT IS UNFORTUNATE.

[ LOUD FART ]WHAT THE...WHO DID THAT, MAN?