Original subtitles

[ MOANING ] >> SILENCE!

YOU TWO.

YOU HAVE BEEN HERE FOR HOURS, HAVING SEX WITH TONS OF LADIES

IN MASKS.

YET IT SEEMS YOU DO NOT HAVE PERMISSION TO BE HERE.

[ GASPING ] >> HI.

UH, I'M SETH.

>> HI, I'M MATT.

>> WHY ARE YOU HERE?

>> WE HEARD THIS WAS THE PLACE TO GET "ROBOT CHICKEN"

UN-CANCELED.

>> BUT WHEN WE GOT HERE, EVERYONE WAS FUCKING SO WE WERE

LIKE, "OH, OKAY, I GUESS WE'LL JUST START FUCKING THESE

PEOPLE."

>> WE ALMOST FELT OBLIGATED TO START FUCKING

>> QUIET!

IN ADDITION TO HOSTING ELABORATE ORGIES, WE DO UN-CANCEL

TELEVISION SHOWS.

>> AWESOME!

CAN WE GET OUR SHOW UN-CANCELED?

>> YES -- IF YOU KNOW THE PASSWORD.

>> Both: FIDELIO.

>> THAT IS CORRECT.

CONGRATULATIONS.

"ROBOT CHICKEN" IS BACK ON THE AIR.

>> Both: THANK YOU, SIR.

>> NOW, WHAT IS THE PASSWORD TO LEAVE?

>> Both: FIDELIO?

>> THE PASSWORD TO LEAVE IS DIFFERENT.

>> OH, RIGHT. FIDELIO.

>> I JUST TOLD YOU THE PASSWORD TO LEAVE --

>> FIDELIO?

>> NO!

AGAIN, I TOLD YOU -- >> FIDELIO?

>> YOU'RE MISSING WHAT I -- >> FIDELIO?

>> PLEASE UNDERSTAND THAT "FIDELIO" IS NOT THE PASSWORD.

IF YOU SAY "FIDELIO," THAT WILL BE INCORRECT.

DO YOU UNDERSTAND THIS BASIC CONCEPT?

>> YEAH, OF COURSE.

>> SURE, SURE, SURE.

>> NOW, WHAT IS THE PASSWORD TO LEAVE?

>> FIDELIO?

>> FUCK IT. KILL THEM.

>> JUST LIKE SAIGON, 1983.

>> WITH A DASH OF -- WAIT, WHEN WERE YOU IN SAIGON?

>> DUCK!

>> AW, NO, HE TOUCHED MY DICK.

>> YOUR DICK TOUCHED MY HAND.

I TOTALLY TOUCHED HIS DICK.

>> [ SIGHS ] FUCK IT.

>> FUCK IT.

>> AAH, DIDN'T THINK THAT THROUGH.

[ GUNS CLICK ] [ ENERGY CHARGING ]

[ TING! ] >> PLEASE, HAVE MERCY.

>> SURE THING.

HOW ABOUT WE GIVE YOU TO THE COUNT OF...

>> Both: FIDELIO?

[ THUNDER CRASHES ] >> [ LAUGHS EVILLY ]

[ SAWING ] [ ELECTRICITY CRACKLES ]

>> IT'S ALIVE!

[ THUNDER CRASHES ] >> [ LAUGHS EVILLY ]

[ SMOOCHES ] [ LAUGHS EVILLY ]

[ SMOOCHES ] [ LAUGHS EVILLY ]

[ SMOOCHES ] [ LAUGHS EVILLY ]

>> THE HALF-POUND SMURF BURGER.

ONLY AT GARGL'S JR. >> All: WE MAKE HOLES IN TEETH!

WE MAKE HOLES IN TEETH!

>> HEY, MAYBE WE SHOULD COMMUNICATE WITH THE HUMANS.

WHAT DO WE GET OUT OF MAKING ALL OF THESE CAVITIES, ANYWAY?

>> Both: WE MAKE HOLES IN TEETH!

WE MAKE HOLES IN TEETH!

[ ELEVATOR BELL DINGS ] >> WAIT, YOUR STINGER'S CAUGHT!

OUR ONE METHOD OF SELF DEFENSE IS ALSO FATAL TO US.

[ Sobbing ] DOES GOD HATE BEES?

[ CHORAL MUSIC ] >> THAT'S RIGHT.

FUCK YOU, BEES.

>> FUCK ME?

N-N-NO. FUCK YOU!

[ WHOOSHES ] >> [ BELCHES ]

[ Slurring ] WHAT THE FUCK!?? THIS IS NOT MY HOUSE.

>> IT'S A CENTAUR FROM NARNIA.

[ RETCHES ] >> I'M HORNY.

YOU 18?

>> NO, SIR.

>> [ GROANS ] DAMN IT!

[ CELLPHONE DIALS ] BECKY?

HEY, COME OVER.

I WANT TO SEX SOMEONE.

[ Click ] HELLO?

MERMAID HOE BAG!

DID YOU JUST CALL ME "GAY"?

>> NO, I DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING.

>> MY PARENTS' DIVORCE MESSED ME UP, MAN.

IT MESSED MY HEAD UP BAD!

[ SOBBING ] I WANT CHIPOTLE.

[ WHOOSHES ] >> LOCK THAT SHIT.

>> NO, BRO.

NO, NO, COME ON, BRO.

NO, BRO!

[ Sobbing ] NO!

>> THE DOG'S ARTHRITIS GIVES HIM CONSTANT PAIN.

WE'LL HAVE TO PUT HIM DOWN.

>> WHAT?

>> YOU DO KNOW THAT THE LIFE SPAN OF A CAT IS LONGER

THAN A DOG, RIGHT?

W-WITH ALL DUE RESPECT, YOU REALLY SHOULD HAVE SEEN THIS

COMING.

>> [ ROARS ] ♪ DINO RIDERS, AWESOME BOSSES OF

EARLY EARTH ♪ ♪ THEY TRAINED DINOSAURS AND

MADE THEM WALKING WEAPONS ♪ ♪ WHAT'S COOLER THAT THAT?

♪ DINO RIDERS, THERE'S A BLASTER ON THAT T-REX'S HEAD ♪

♪ THAT IS SO DAMN RAD ♪ THAT BRONTOSAURUS IS A TROOP

TRANSPORTER ♪ ♪ BOW TO THE MOTHERFUCKIN'

DINO RIDERS! ♪ ♪ OH, MY GOD, THAT LOOKS LIKE A

WORK CAMP ♪ ♪ I THINK THE DINO RIDERS USE

FORCED LABOR TO MAKE THEIR STUFF ♪

♪ DEAR LORD IN HEAVEN, THESE DINO RIDERS ARE REPEATEDLY

TASING A MAN ♪ ♪ THAT IS DEFINITELY A WORK

CAMP ♪ ♪ WHAT THE FUCK?! THE

DINO RIDERS JUST FED THAT T-REX A CHILD ♪

>> HEY, AT LEAST WE DON'T HAVE SEX WITH THE DINOSAURS.

>> SPEAK FOR YOURSELF, BRO.

>> JAFAR, WHY ARE YOU SO EVIL?

>> WELL, IAGO, SINCE EVERY OTHER DISNEY VILLAIN GOT A SONG TO

EXPLAIN THEMSELVES, I'LL TELL YOU.

♪ I...WAS...

...MOLESTED ♪ >> CUT!

>> S-SNAKE.

>> [ Chuckling ] OH, YES.

THAT'S MY PET SNAKE.

>> I HATE SNAKES.

WHY DID IT HAVE TO BE SNAKES?

>> I HATE SSSOME DUDE'S BALLSSS.

WHY DID IT HAVE TO BE SOME DUDE'S BALLSSS?

>> GRADUATING SENIORS OF HOGWARTS, AS THE SORTING HAT

PLACED YOU INTO YOUR HOUSES, NOW THE GUIDANCE COUNSELOR HAT WILL

SEND YOU OFF INTO THE WORLD.

>> ALL RIGHT, LET'S MAKE THIS FAST.

I'M PARKED IN A LOADING ZONE.

[ SCOFFS ] WHO GETS A C-MINUS IN QUIDDITCH?

HERE'S WHAT I SEE FOR YOU, KID.

TWO YEARS OF ONLINE COLLEGE, AND THEN [Echoing] LIVING AT HOME

WELL INTO YOUR 30s.

DAMN, YOU GREW UP HOT.

WHOA!

YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY -- FUCK A HUFFLEPUFF, MARRY A

GRYFFINDOR.

ALL RIGHT, HERE'S THE DEAL, HON.

[ Echoing ] CPK HOSTESS/ESCORT ON WEEKENDS.

HARRY POTTER?

DUDE, HONESTLY, YOU NAILED IT.

GET OUT OF HERE AND WIN AT LIFE WHILE YOU [Echoing] DROWN IN

POONTANG! >> IF HE'S DROWNING IN POONTANG,

SIGN ME UP FOR LIFEGUARD DUTY.

>> IF I'M GOING DOWN WITH THE TITANIC, I'M GOING TO DIE IN MY

MOTORCAR, LIKE A GENTLEMAN OF WEALTH AND DIST-- I JUST SAT

IN JIZZ! >> CHOW TIME, BOYS.

COME AND GET IT.

>> HEY, COOKY, WHERE'D YOU GET THIS PICANTE SAUCE?

>> NEW YORK CITY.

>> Together: NEW YORK CITY?!

[ INDISTINCT SHOUTING ] >> [ SCREAMS ]

[ HISSES ] >> I DON'T KNOW WHY A 7-YEAR-OLD

WOULD NEED TO DEEP FRY A TURKEY, BUT KNOW YOU KNOW HOW.

>> Both: AND KNOWING IS HALF THE BATTLE.

♪ G.I. JOE >> AND THE EMMY FOR BEST PSA BY

A PARAMILITARY ORGANIZATION GOES TO...G.I. JOE, FOR "DON'T BE A

TURKEY ON THANKSGIVING."

>> LOOK AT THEM, DESTRO.

THE JOES CHURN OUT PEDESTRIAN ADVICE TO DEAD-EYED CHILDREN,

AND THE PUBLIC EATS IT UP!

"HEY, KIDS, DON'T PLAY WITH FALLEN ELECTRICAL LINES."

READS LIKE A DISPATCH FROM THE NO-SHIT CLINIC.

>> I'LL GET THE NERVE GAS.

>> NO, YOU FOOL.

WE'LL BEAT THEM AT THEIR OWN GAME.

WE'LL CREATE OUR OWN PSAs!

OKAY, OKAY, LET'S JUST THROW SOME IDEAS OUT THERE.

THIS IS A SAFE, CREATIVE PLACE.

DR. MINDBENDER, GO.

>> WELL, I THOUGHT OUR PSA COULD COMMUNICATE AN IDEA

NON-VERBALLY.

I'VE DISCOVERED THAT PAINTING DIRECTLY ON CELLULOID CREATES A

SORT OF "TONE POEM."

>> HOLY SHIT, THAT'S SOUNDS TERRIBLE.

I'M SORRY -- SAFE PLACE -- BUT HOLY SHIT, THAT WAS FUCKING

DUMB.

NEXT!

>> OH, I FORGOT YOU GUYS WERE IN HERE WRITING.

I WAS JUST LOOKING FOR A HAMMER TO HANG MY DEGREE IN SCREEN

WRITING FROM ABERDEEN.

ANYTHING I CAN DO FOR YOU WHILE I'M IN HERE?

DESTRO?

>> SHE'S ACTUALLY REALLY FUNNY, YOU GUYS.

>> HEY, YOU LOST ME AT "SHE'S."

FUCK IT!

WE'RE DOING IT WITHOUT A SCRIPT.

>> DR. MINDBENDER, YOU FOUND FOUR YOUNG CHILDREN FOR OUR

PSAs.

>> UH...YES.

THAT IS WHAT THESE KIDNAPPED CHILDREN ARE FOR.

>> OKAY, STORM SHADOW, THESE TWO CHILDREN WILL BE RUNNING WITH

SCISSORS.

NOW, THIS UPSETS YOU, AND YOU -- >> WHY?

>> IT'S DANGEROUS TO RUN WITH SCISSORS.

>> I RUN WITH KATANA.

IS THAT NOT DANGEROUS?

>> WOW, I HADN'T THOUGHT OF THAT.

EXCELLENT POINT, STORM SHADOW.

GET THIS PIECE OF SHIT OFF MY SET.

>> [ GIGGLES ] [ THUDS ] [ GRUNTS ]

>> WELL, COBRA COMMANDER, LOOKS LIKE I OWE YOU AN APOLOGY.

>> SO, REMEMBER, ONLY TAKE SUPPLIES IF YOU'LL USE THEM FOR

POST-OFFICE BUSINESS.

ANY OTHER USE IS A FELONY.

>> NOW I'M AWARE.

>> AND AWARENESS IS THE SECOND 50% OF THE CONFLICT IN QUESTION.

SOMEBODY SAY FUCKING "CUT."

>> AND I THINK YOU'LL FIND IT'S NOT HARD TO READ WHEN YOU TAKE

THE TIME TO SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSOUND IT OUT.

[ BOTH GIGGLE ] OH, YESSS, I'VE GOT A SSSMALL

SSSPEECH IMPEDIMENT.

[ BOTH LAUGH ] >> IT'SSS NOT FUNNY!

[ BOTH SCREAM ] [ BOTH GRUNT ]

>> SHUT...IT...DOWN.

>> AND THE EMMY FOR BEST PSA BY A PARAMILITARY ORGANIZATION GOES

TO...G.I. JOE, FOR "DON'T STAR IN A COBRA PSA."

>> WHAT?

>> POP THE NERVE GAS!

>> ♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK ♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK

♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK-A-WAWK WAWK BAWK BAWK ♪

♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK ♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK

♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK-A-WAWK WAWK BAWK BAWK ♪

♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK ♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK

♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK-A-WAWK WAWK BAWK BAWK ♪

BA-GAWK! BAWK.