Original subtitles

[thunder crashes]

[laughs evilly]

[ sawing ]

[ electricity crackles ]

It's alive!

[thunder crashes]

[laughs evilly]

[ smooch! ]

[laughs evilly]

[mechanized whirring]

[thudding ]

They just arrived!

There's a fat kid, a normal kid, a greedy kid, and a TV watcher.

Okay, people, we gotta write

four new Oompa Loompa rejection songs in an hour.

Okay, what if, uh, for the fat kid, we're like...

[ deep voice ] ♪ Don't eat ice cream ♪

♪ or cake or pie ♪

♪ If you wonder, you shouldn't ask why ♪

No!

W-What are we saying about cake?

So, uh, f-for the bubble-gum girl, how about...

[ deep voice ] ♪ You've gotten yourself

into a sticky situation ♪

[all grumbling]

Got it! We compare the fat kid to an elephant, yeah?

Guys, that fat kid's already in the chocolate river.

We need to go now!

Okay, let's just do the elephant idea,

and we'll improvise the rest.

Hoo!Hoo!

Eat at Hooters!

No thanks. Their food's terrible.

You are missing the point of Hooters!

No, Hooters is missing the point on how to prepare

even the most straightforward bar food.

We'll have to agree to disagree.

I agree to nothing, you dumb fuckin' owl!

Happy birthday, Billy!

Look who showed up for your party.

[giggles] Who wants a balloon?

Oh!

- Game's up, Joker! - Ohh! Ohh!

Stop! T-That's not the Joker!

Uh, that's just a birthday clown we hired.

Huh.

This happens more often than you'd think.

[children crying ]

[breathing heavily]

A little help, buddy!

[continues breathing heavily]

[ Shouts ]

Really could've used a hand there.

You're just made of straw.

[ Monster growls ]

NARRATOR: And so, the hobo-eating boxcar

had enticed another victim.

Pardon me, monsieur food critic.

Is something wrong? - Everything!

I'm giving your restaurant my lowest marks.

A bad review will ruin us, Linguini!

Quick, get him a new plate!

[ Shouts ]

[ Both grunting ]

No, I'm not finished hating it yet!

[ All gasping, indistinct shouting]

- WOMAN: Oh, a rat! - MAN: It's a rat! It's a rat!

[ Shouts ]

[all gasp]

WOMAN: A cat!

Oh, sacre bleu -- a cat!

I'm sorry! He threatened my family!

[Cat growling ]

[ Shouts ]

[shouting indistinctly]

[ Cat meows ]

[indistinct shouting]

Ha!

[ Cat meows ]

[ Swish! ]

[Cat growling ]

[moaning]

[all grunting]

[cat meowing ]

[ Cat growls ]

[ Cat screeches ]

[shouting indistinctly]

[gunshots]

[ Cat yelps ]

[all murmuring]

Whew! [exhales sharply]

Excellent shot, monsieur policeman.

Ah, yes, but every dog has its day.

[ dog barks ]

[ All cheering ]

Not bad!

[singsong voice ] Warriors, come out to play!

Warriors, come out to play!

ALL: Teddy bear, teddy bear, turn around!

Teddy bear, teddy bear, touch the ground!

[birds chirping]

[ Bee buzzing ]

Whore!

When you've been out here as long as I have,

out on the prairie,

just you and nature and the sky,

you learn that it's all about one thing.

What's your one thing?

I fuck cows.

I don't get it, Samson. What is the plan again?

It's simple.

Those Philistines married my wife to another man!

So I've trapped about 150 foxes

and tied them into pairs, tail to tail.

Now I'm going to attach a torch to each fox team,

light the torches on fire,

and let the teams of foxes run wild

through the Philistine fields.

Get it?

It's stories like this

that make people not believe the bible.

[foxes screech ]

[ Shouts ]

My house!

I don't think Porky Pig owns that establishment.

We must've made a wrong turn at Albuquerque.

Now, don't put all your eggs in one basket.

Why not?

[electronic whirring]

[chickens squawk]

Daddy, what's that place?

That's a manure depot, son,

where manure is processed and sold to customers.

Like a poo-poo factory?

That's right, son, like a poop factory.

Sir, that is a Hooters.

You're deliberately misinforming your son.

Actually, I think I'm being accurate as hell.

Take a good look!

80 years ago, this was cool as balls!

[ Bell rings]

Now I look like a fuck ass shithole!

[ Bell rings]

The culture moves on, my friends. The culture moves on.

[birds chirping]

Party weekend at the cabin!

Let's all toss a football around!

I say we all get high, yo!

I really have some studying to do!

Let's all have sex!

I'm not having sex until I find that special someone.

Mm!

Wow, now, those are some efficient character introductions.

Well, when you're making entertainment

to appease the gods, you gotta be clear about it.

H-Hang on. What's this about gods?

Yeah, in the old days, a simple human sacrifice would do,

but the gods got more sophisticated over time.

Wait a minute. Isn't this exactly like that Joss Whedon movie

"Cabin in the Woods"?

Co-written and directed by Drew Goddard.

Oh, I think I hear Roger Ebert,

but he can't talk anymore,

so who the fuck are you?!

[beep]

[door creaks]

I bet that basement is a great place to get high!

Oh, maybe there are some footballs down there.

Or books for reading!

Or a place to get our bone on!

Or a place to keep our penises flaccid

and our vaginae dry!

Entertainment for the gods,

and you guys are in charge of it?

There are lots of gods.

But currently, only one god needs appeasing.

ON TV: It's alive!

Well, g-guys that god looks exactly like

the average [adult swim] viewer.

Does he, or do [adult swim] viewers look like him?

[sighs]

The point is, no one panders to [adult swim] viewers

the way we do.

The cellar is filled with talismans.

Whatever they choose, that's what will kill them all!

If she opens one of those books,

they'll all be impregnated by vampires.

[ All screaming ]

[ Baby screeches ]

If he opens that book, Alan Moore will be very unhappy.

[growling]

[ All screaming ]

If he picks that up, they'll all become so bored that they --

Hey, look, a "Robot Chicken" nerd action figure.

Hi, everybody! Ooh, it's spooky down here!

Yuck! Is that a spider?!

Okay, the second thing they choose,

that's what kills them all.

Where'd he come from?!

Oh, come on, guys, we can't have two nerds!

Ohh!

- [growls] - Zombie Joss Whedon!

[ laughing ] All right!

Somebody found the "Buffy" DVDs!

Gross!

I thought this was a cheerleading documentary.

Why is Joss Whedon a zombie?

Punishment. We told him about this place over drinks.

The next thing we know,

"Cabin in the Woods" was in theaters nationwide.

People weren't necessarily in those theaters.

Well, regardless, we made him a zombie.

[grunting ]

[ax scraping ]

Aah!

Now you cut short like my TV series "Firefly"!

You bastard! We were gonna be together forever!

[grunts]

Oh!

That's short-sighted, like Fox execs

when they canceled "Dollhouse."

Being chased by a zombie fills me with anxiety.

Hey, you know what's good for anxiety?

Getting high!

[grunting ]

Fuck Network TV!

[grunts]

Is the point I was making earlier.

Okay, here's where it gets tricky.

The virgin has to die last.

We're 3/4 of the way through this thing,

and you drop that bombshell now?

[breathing heavily]

Come on! I'm gonna get into the hole under the bush!

The hell you will!

Oh.

What is this place?

Uh-oh!

They discovered our zoo!

You know, our zoo of mythical creatures and monsters --

Thanks. Got it.

[ Shouts ]

Aah!

Whoa! He's Skeletor!

On my planet, you would be Nerd-dor,

lord of Crusty Sock Mountain!

Honestly, kid, fuck off.

[ Both scream ]

[grunting ]

[breathing heavily]

Oh, no, it's locked!

[growling]

Try pulling the switch labeled "unlocked"!

Whoops! It turns counterclockwise!

Just go!

[ Creatures growling ]

[ Cow moos ]

[dinosaur roars]

Grr! Argh!

Wait, I figured it out!

We're re-enacting a horror movie!

The virgin always dies last.

BOTH: So I guess I'm next!

Wait, you mean you're a -- me too!

Wow, it's literally fuck or die!

So...

I haven't decided yet.

[Pounding on door]

Grr! Argh!

Oh! Oh!

Wait a minute. So, I put this in there?

Yes! Now just move it back and forth for 30 to 40 minutes.

And finished!

Thank you!

I waited 23 years for that?!

[ growls ]

- We win! - I can't believe it. They won!

The Earth is doomed!

Holy crap! So now that god destroys us all?!

Maybe not! His generation is really sporadic

with their viewing habits.

He could catch it online in a few weeks

or next year when the DVD box set comes out!

[beep]

BOTH: Hi, Keith. Hi, Lazzo.

You dumbasses realize you're canceled, right?

BOTH: Yes.

Looks like [adult swim] needs a new show.

So, there's this security guard named Zeb.

He's strict but fair, and his co-workers

are all wacky, but in different ways.

I'm gonna stop you right there.

Who the fuck are you?

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk ♪

Ba-gawk! Bawk.