Original subtitles

[thunder crashes]

[laughs evilly]

[ sawing ]

[ electricity crackles ]

It's alive!

[thunder crashes]

[laughs evilly]

[ smooch! ]

[laughs evilly]

Is the word "oink"?

[ snorts ]

Nobody cares about a movie unless it's got a twist ending!

He's dead! She's got a dick!

He was chasing himself! It was a dream!

It wasn't a dream!

He was a midget! He was two midgets!

That's what sells tickets, fellas!

You're suggesting we re-release our hits

with new twist endings?

I was just -- Do it.

Auntie Em? Uncle Henry? Am I back in Kansas?

The good news is, yes.

The better news is,

it's Kansas 3,000 years in the future.

So, how's our patient doing?

They bought it.

They'll never guess that I, Queen Saturnax of Jupiter,

sank Titanic with my bare hands.

Uh, what are you talking about?

[ Roars ]

Jill, stop riding a jet ski in my pool!

Don't yell at me! I'm your sister!

What are you talkin' -- what the hell is going on?

You're Jack, but you're also Jill

because the real Jill died

when she was 8 years old!

No! That's not true!

Why does Jill look exactly like you?!

No!

[babbling]

Ha ha! Teacher's pet.

[ Barking ]

Hi. We're Aberzombie & Fitch,

the world's first -- and best --

zombie improv group.

Now, to start, we need someone to suggest a thing.

Brains!

Uh, could we get something other than brains?

Hey, guys! We're the characters

from the TV show "Schoolhouse Rock!"

20 years ago, we taught kids

basic grammar and math with music,

but those kids grew into illiterate adults.

So, we're back with new songs

since nobody seems to remember

the shit we tried to teach 20 years ago.

Remember me?

I sang "Conjunction Junction."

Let's talk about one way your grammar doesn't function.

♪ Apostrophes are really fun ♪

♪ They mean something is owned by him or her ♪

Like Michael's marker or Stephanie's pretty dress.

- Remember that? - It's really easy.

So, when you're a waitress at a local diner

and you write "lunch special's" with an apostrophe...

ALL: Take five fucking seconds to remember basic grammar,

you moronic piece of shit.

Ow.

Remember me?

I taught you about numbers in the song "My Hero, Zero,"

yet basic math escapes you.

♪ Plus, minus, times, divide ♪

♪ just have one shred of pride ♪

I'm a 6-year-old with down syndrome,

and I understand.

♪ So when you're struggling to split a check

and your solution is to go high-tech ♪

ALL: Take five fucking seconds to remember basic math,

you moronic piece of shit.

'Aah! " Ch!

Errors like this are so commonplace.

It's probably the downfall of the human race!

ALL: ♪ So take five seconds to remember basic lessons,

you moronic piece of shit ♪

Because they're really simple.

You have got to be fucking kidding me.

[ Smooches ]

Oh, she was alive?!

I want my money back, guys!

[sighs] ls the word "oink" again?

[ Snorts ]

I really need to make some real friends.

Hey, Elroy. How was your field trip?

Great, Dad.

We studied an abandoned ship and found a bunch of these.

Well! A foreboding alien egg!

Let's burn it until there's nothing left but ashes.

Anyone who doesn't do exactly that

is the lowest form of fool.

Aw, Dad, can't I keep it?

Well, for the sake of entertainment, yeah, sure.

[growling]

Reorge! Rad ralien! Rad ralien!

Yeah, Astro, he is a pretty rad alien.

Ro! Ranger! Ranger!

Ranger's a great name. Good idea, boy.

Ro! Ro! Ro!

Settle down! Go sniff another dog's butt or something.

Rassrole.

Now, Judy, your father and I are worried about how little you eat,

so today you're having an entire breakfast pill,

young lady.

Ranger slept on my face all night,

and when I woke up, he was dead!

It makes me so sad, I feel like my heart is

gonna rip out of my --

ggggrrrhhh!

Wow! You really are sad!

Stop him, George!

Looks like we need a strong female role model

to handle this problem.

You might want to stable that high horse, Jane.

I'm getting some mixed signals here.

Aw, dang it.

[ Roars ]

It must have had an inexplicably short growth span!

On the bright side, it sure does move this story forward

at a snappy pace.

Hurry up!

I've only got three whacks left!

[ screaming ]

Tall, dark, and mysterious?

Oh, what a dreamboat!

Get away from her, you bitch!

[ Roars ]

[ Screams ]

Phew. It's over.

Reah. Rhew!

Rrraaarrrrggghh!

You know that's scary exactly once.

[ Panting, grunting ]

Happy Arbor Day, Susan.

Oh, no. Here comes bow tie.

[ as Steve Urkel ] Did I do that?

"And then Little Red Riding Hood and her grandmother

lived happily ever after.

The end."

[yawns ]

What a great story!

[yawns ]

Ugh! Why is our uncle such a nerd?

Let's put his hand in warm water and make him pee his pants.

Or we could cut out the middleman

and just pee on him!

NERD: Oh, a forest. Neat!

I bet I'm Little Red Riding Hood just like in the story!

Wait a minute!

Oh, my gosh! This is way better!

♪ La la la la On my way ♪

♪ Granny's house ♪ - It's her!

Little Red Riding Hood!

I'll get to grandmother's house first,

just like in the story!

Fairy-tale home invasion, bitch!

[ laughs ]

Where the fuck am I going?

Thanks, Mr. Squirrel!

Say, how does a squirrel afford an iPad?

[ chittering ]

The forest creatures sold their drilling rights?

Wow.

♪ [ up-tempo dance music plays] ♪

Wow!

[doorbell rings]

Ooh, this is a pretty piss-poor disguise.

She's never gonna believe I'm her granddaughter.

A wolf? I ordered a teenaged girl.

Oh, well. Get in here.

Urn, so, okay.

If you just hide in the closet, then we can --

No, no. I don't have time for any role play.

I have drinks with the girls at 6:00.

Let's just do this.

Oh, my gosh. You look like a mole rat

sculpted out of a leather shoe!

Your pillow talk leaves a lot to be desired.

Now, shut up and get in there, wolf!

Aah!

Hello? Granny? It's Red, from Beau Soleil.

[sobbing ] I want my virginity back.

[thunder crashes]

RED: Ew.

Does that rain look yellow to anybody else?

Oh! Uh!

Oh, you little scamps.

You did the "bowl of warm water" trick on me.

Uh, yep. We sure did.

Uh, where's the bowl?

Gee, let me guess.

Is the word "oink"?

[squeals]

The word was "farm," motherfucker.

[squealing ]

Hey, glad you could make the dress rehearsal.

Well, it better be good -- another debacle

like "Spider-man: Turn Off the Dark" and we're ruined!

Well, I know you're gonna love "Avengers...

Musictacular Tap-stravaganza."

Wait. It's called what?

You say this super-soldier serum

will make him run, jump, fight --

♪ And dance ♪

I've never seen anyone hoof it like that!

He's hoof in' it for America!

♪ They say only fools ever dance in the rain ♪

♪ But Thor-tunately... ♪

♪ You're with the thunder Go-o-o-o-d ♪

♪ I'm not a blunder God ♪

♪ Come home and slumber, broad ♪

♪ Render us asunder, God ♪

♪ I spin a web of fantasy ♪

♪ through tight dresses and whispered talk ♪

♪ but my web isn't strong enough to catch myself ♪

Pa Hawk“

♪ I soared above the people ♪

♪ my arrows pierced their bones ♪

♪ but the only arrow I won't use

is the one that cupid owns ♪

You know, in South America,

they have spiders that eat birds.

♪ I shall win, I shall win ♪

♪ Then you're gonna sulk ♪

♪ No, you won't. No, you won't ♪

♪ 'Cause we have a Hu-u-u-u-lk ♪

♪ They have a Hulk They have a Hulk ♪.

♪ Did you hear? They have a Hulk ♪

♪ One Hulk to beat an army ♪

♪ One Hulk to smash them all ♪

[ screams ]

Uh, we're insured, right?

Yes, soup to nuts.

MAN: I need an ambulance!

WOMAN: Somebody call 911!

MAN: I can't feel my fucking legs!

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk J"

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk ♪

Ba-gawk! Bawk.