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1
00:00:05,039 --> 00:00:05,940
[thunder crashes]
2
00:00:06,040 --> 00:00:08,776
[laughs evilly]
3
00:00:08,876 --> 00:00:10,978
[ sawing ]
4
00:00:16,083 --> 00:00:17,985
[ electricity crackles ]
5
00:00:18,085 --> 00:00:19,887
It's alive!
6
00:00:27,294 --> 00:00:28,362
[thunder crashes]
7
00:00:28,462 --> 00:00:32,366
[laughs evilly]
8
00:00:32,466 --> 00:00:34,368
[ smooch! ]
9
00:00:34,468 --> 00:00:35,870
[laughs evilly]
10
00:00:38,172 --> 00:00:40,541
So, what's my surprise, fellas?
I can't wait.
11
00:00:40,641 --> 00:00:43,477
Oh, shit.
12
00:00:43,577 --> 00:00:45,546
Aw, this is gonna be
a great sandwich.
13
00:00:45,646 --> 00:00:47,148
Not yet.
14
00:00:47,248 --> 00:00:49,517
Aw, yeah.
Which way to the free iPads?
15
00:00:49,617 --> 00:00:51,886
Ah, shit.
16
00:00:55,723 --> 00:00:57,525
[beep]
17
00:01:05,733 --> 00:01:08,502
You just fucked with
the wrong Jew.
18
00:01:11,072 --> 00:01:13,240
Aw, yeah.
Pescetarian, baby.
19
00:01:13,340 --> 00:01:15,309
What? You don't know
what that means?
20
00:01:15,409 --> 00:01:17,545
Well, let me drop some truth
on your ass right now.
21
00:01:17,645 --> 00:01:20,948
♪ The vegetarian lifestyle
is healthy as fuck ♪
22
00:01:21,048 --> 00:01:23,884
♪ So my four-legged homeys,
no reason to duck ♪
23
00:01:23,984 --> 00:01:25,953
♪ But you finned fuckers got
this emcee gunnin' ♪
24
00:01:26,053 --> 00:01:28,589
♪ Meat is murder,
but them fish had it comin' ♪
25
00:01:28,689 --> 00:01:30,658
♪ Omega-3 fatty acids
run deep ♪
26
00:01:30,758 --> 00:01:31,725
♪ but don't sleep ♪
27
00:01:31,826 --> 00:01:33,327
♪ the price you pay
is too steep ♪
28
00:01:33,427 --> 00:01:35,563
♪ I never seen a fish who ain't
a punk-ass bitch ♪
29
00:01:35,663 --> 00:01:37,631
♪ high mercury
killin' my brothers and shit ♪
30
00:01:37,731 --> 00:01:38,933
♪ Got a hot yacht ♪
31
00:01:39,033 --> 00:01:40,367
♪ That's the stone-cold killer ♪
32
00:01:40,468 --> 00:01:42,436
♪ Make these fish lie still
as Ben Stiller ♪
33
00:01:42,536 --> 00:01:43,938
- Hey!
- ♪ Harpoons in the front ♪
34
00:01:44,038 --> 00:01:45,039
♪ Harpoons in the back ♪
35
00:01:45,139 --> 00:01:47,541
♪ Man, that fuckin' fish mama,
she's dressed in black ♪
36
00:01:47,641 --> 00:01:49,977
♪ Every chicken of the sea gonna
need an escape pod ♪
37
00:01:50,077 --> 00:01:52,346
♪ Watch me turn Cape Cod
into rape cod ♪
38
00:01:52,446 --> 00:01:54,315
♪ My dick, your mouth
gonna make a fine pairing ♪
39
00:01:54,415 --> 00:01:57,084
Psych!
♪ That was a fuckin' red herring ♪
40
00:01:57,184 --> 00:01:58,519
♪ Pop, pop, pop ♪
41
00:01:58,619 --> 00:02:00,788
♪ Call me your pop, pop, pop ♪
42
00:02:00,888 --> 00:02:03,023
Pescetarian.
♪ Pop, pop, pop ♪
43
00:02:03,124 --> 00:02:05,459
Steve Jobs, nigga.
♪ Pop, pop, pop ♪
44
00:02:05,559 --> 00:02:07,862
Pescetarian.
♪ Pop, pop, pop ♪
45
00:02:07,962 --> 00:02:10,097
Duchovny.
♪ Pop, pop, pop ♪
46
00:02:10,197 --> 00:02:12,199
Fried fish, nigga.
♪ Pop, pop, pop ♪
47
00:02:12,299 --> 00:02:13,901
[ coughing ]
48
00:02:14,001 --> 00:02:15,636
That was
a fuckin' fish bone, nigga.
49
00:02:15,736 --> 00:02:17,505
You okay, man?
50
00:02:17,605 --> 00:02:19,907
Uh, Doc, are you sure this is
absolutely necessary?
51
00:02:20,007 --> 00:02:22,209
No. I'm sticking my finger up
a grown man's ass
52
00:02:22,309 --> 00:02:24,645
on a fucking hunch.
53
00:02:26,413 --> 00:02:28,015
You forgot
The Sword of Omens?
54
00:02:28,115 --> 00:02:30,451
I'm a cat, Panthro.
I get distracted easily.
55
00:02:30,551 --> 00:02:32,319
I'm a cat, too,
but you don't see me
56
00:02:32,419 --> 00:02:33,854
losing focus every
time --
57
00:02:33,954 --> 00:02:35,890
[bird squawks]
Bird! Bird! Bird! Bird!
58
00:02:35,990 --> 00:02:37,391
All right, let's do this.
59
00:02:37,491 --> 00:02:40,728
Sword of Omens,
come to my hand.
60
00:02:40,828 --> 00:02:42,429
[gasps]
61
00:02:42,530 --> 00:02:44,231
Run!
62
00:02:44,331 --> 00:02:45,799
Hurry up, you stupid sword.
63
00:02:45,900 --> 00:02:48,569
- [ panting ]
- Wilykit!
64
00:02:48,669 --> 00:02:51,038
Geez, it's heavy.
65
00:02:51,138 --> 00:02:53,040
No!
66
00:02:53,140 --> 00:02:55,142
Floor it, Panthro!
67
00:03:00,748 --> 00:03:03,083
Finally.
Wait, there's blood on it.
68
00:03:03,184 --> 00:03:05,152
Obviously, someone
doesn't know how
69
00:03:05,252 --> 00:03:06,887
to respect my nice things.
70
00:03:06,987 --> 00:03:08,289
Where is my mother?
71
00:03:08,389 --> 00:03:10,191
I don't know
how to tell you this.
72
00:03:10,291 --> 00:03:12,092
I'm afraid your mother
is a zombie!
73
00:03:12,193 --> 00:03:13,961
- Oh, no!
- Oh, yes!
74
00:03:14,061 --> 00:03:17,131
She just sits in front of those
soap operas all day!
75
00:03:17,231 --> 00:03:19,033
So, she's not a real zombie?
76
00:03:19,133 --> 00:03:21,769
No. I used the word
in the figurative sense.
77
00:03:21,869 --> 00:03:23,938
Well, that is a relief.
78
00:03:24,038 --> 00:03:26,807
This week's "Scary Movie for
People with Heart Conditions"
79
00:03:26,907 --> 00:03:28,342
will be right back.
80
00:03:28,442 --> 00:03:30,744
Approved by the American
Heart Association.
81
00:03:32,746 --> 00:03:35,049
Maybe it's time to stop,
William.
82
00:03:35,149 --> 00:03:37,518
No, I can get this.
I can get this.
83
00:03:37,618 --> 00:03:38,986
Come on, Travis.
84
00:03:39,086 --> 00:03:41,222
Let's have sex
on my roommate's bed.
85
00:03:41,322 --> 00:03:44,158
Oh, man, you're so dirty.
I'm gonna get...
86
00:03:44,258 --> 00:03:46,560
- Oh! Right there.
- Oh, it's almost as good as...
87
00:03:46,660 --> 00:03:50,965
Oh, yeah. Oh, man.
We're totally having sex!
88
00:03:51,065 --> 00:03:53,067
Yeah, this is the best!
89
00:03:53,167 --> 00:03:54,802
Oh, sex feels so good!
90
00:03:54,902 --> 00:03:56,804
No, no, no, don't stop!
91
00:03:56,904 --> 00:03:58,138
Oh, right there!
92
00:03:58,239 --> 00:04:02,443
[ both scream ]
93
00:04:02,543 --> 00:04:04,144
♪ Do do do do ♪
94
00:04:04,245 --> 00:04:05,646
♪ Do do do do do do ♪
95
00:04:05,746 --> 00:04:07,248
♪ Do do do do ♪
96
00:04:07,348 --> 00:04:08,682
♪ Do do do do do do do ♪
97
00:04:08,782 --> 00:04:11,719
♪ Friends forever ♪
98
00:04:11,819 --> 00:04:13,053
♪ Jason plus Michael ♪
99
00:04:13,153 --> 00:04:14,989
♪ equals best friends
forever ♪
100
00:04:15,089 --> 00:04:16,924
♪ Palling around
like two buddies do ♪
101
00:04:17,024 --> 00:04:18,025
[ Both scream ]
102
00:04:18,125 --> 00:04:20,894
♪ Killing slutty girls,
putting pictures in scrapbooks ♪
103
00:04:20,995 --> 00:04:22,963
♪ Sharing adventures,
having a good time ♪
104
00:04:23,063 --> 00:04:24,064
Whoo!
105
00:04:24,164 --> 00:04:26,600
♪ Dismembering bodies
and eating some cookies ♪
106
00:04:26,700 --> 00:04:27,568
Yum!
107
00:04:27,668 --> 00:04:30,537
♪ Talking about crushes
and then killing those crushes ♪
108
00:04:30,638 --> 00:04:33,607
♪ Jason Voorhees
and Michael Myers ♪
109
00:04:33,707 --> 00:04:35,976
♪ Best friends ♪
110
00:04:36,076 --> 00:04:37,211
♪ Forever ♪
111
00:04:37,311 --> 00:04:39,380
Die! Die! Die!
112
00:04:39,480 --> 00:04:44,018
[ crying ]
113
00:04:44,118 --> 00:04:45,719
♪ Do do do do ♪
114
00:04:45,819 --> 00:04:47,454
♪ Do do do do do do ♪
115
00:04:47,554 --> 00:04:49,990
You act like you don't
have feeling,
116
00:04:50,090 --> 00:04:52,559
but I bet deep down you
want to care, don't you?
117
00:04:52,660 --> 00:04:55,195
Tell me you want to care.
Tell me.
118
00:04:55,296 --> 00:04:56,697
Tell me you want to care.
119
00:04:56,797 --> 00:04:58,565
Oh, yeah! That's it!
120
00:04:58,666 --> 00:05:03,070
Oh!
Oh! Oh! Oh!
121
00:05:03,170 --> 00:05:05,139
You need a credit-card number?
122
00:05:05,239 --> 00:05:08,142
Okay. it's 438 --
123
00:05:08,242 --> 00:05:10,544
Have you ever seen
a kitten sneeze?
124
00:05:10,644 --> 00:05:12,613
[ laughs ]
It's very cute.
125
00:05:12,713 --> 00:05:14,682
Don't blink,
or you might miss it.
126
00:05:14,782 --> 00:05:17,618
Any second now,
that kitten is going --
127
00:05:17,718 --> 00:05:20,988
[ roars ]
128
00:05:21,088 --> 00:05:23,223
The "Scary Movie for People
with Heart Conditions"
129
00:05:23,324 --> 00:05:25,025
was a lie from the very start!
130
00:05:25,125 --> 00:05:28,028
Good luck calling 911 with your
heart completely stopped,
131
00:05:28,128 --> 00:05:30,464
you dumb assholes!
132
00:05:33,701 --> 00:05:36,403
Cull the wheat from the chaff!
133
00:05:36,503 --> 00:05:38,972
You never know when the mood
for bear sex will strike.
134
00:05:39,073 --> 00:05:41,709
But when it does,
be ready with Bear-alis,
135
00:05:41,809 --> 00:05:44,545
the roofie formulated
specially for bears.
136
00:05:44,645 --> 00:05:46,613
Bear-alis is the only animal
tranquilizer pill
137
00:05:46,714 --> 00:05:49,483
proven to work fast
and last a long time
138
00:05:49,583 --> 00:05:51,919
so you can fuck that bear
right away.
139
00:05:52,019 --> 00:05:54,054
And then, after you've had
time to re-boner,
140
00:05:54,154 --> 00:05:55,823
go for the deuce.
141
00:05:55,923 --> 00:05:57,891
Ask your doctor
about bear-alis.
142
00:05:57,991 --> 00:06:00,294
Side effects include death from
an inadequately tranquilized bear
143
00:06:00,394 --> 00:06:02,363
and/or nausea and suicidal thoughts
at a realization
144
00:06:02,463 --> 00:06:04,531
you just fucked a bear
against his or her will.
145
00:06:04,631 --> 00:06:08,268
You never know when the mood for
bear sex will strike.
146
00:06:08,369 --> 00:06:11,071
When it does, be ready with
Bear-alis brand roofies for bears.
147
00:06:11,171 --> 00:06:15,008
If you tell anyone, I will
fucking kill you.
148
00:06:15,109 --> 00:06:17,411
So, Goofy, did your parents
take it okay
149
00:06:17,511 --> 00:06:20,547
when you told them you
and Clarabelle are together?
150
00:06:20,647 --> 00:06:22,182
Well, of course, Minnie.
151
00:06:22,282 --> 00:06:23,851
Why wouldn't they?
152
00:06:23,951 --> 00:06:25,853
Because she's a cow
and you're a dog!
153
00:06:25,953 --> 00:06:28,922
It's u-- it's unnatural!
- Someone finally said it!
154
00:06:29,022 --> 00:06:30,190
But, gawrsh, guys.
155
00:06:30,290 --> 00:06:32,593
T-There isn't anybody like me
out there.
156
00:06:32,693 --> 00:06:35,529
Well, there's Pluto.
157
00:06:35,629 --> 00:06:38,332
I'm gonna pretend
I didn't hear that.
158
00:06:38,432 --> 00:06:41,435
I move we vote to ban
mixed-species couples
159
00:06:41,535 --> 00:06:43,404
from the Mickey Mouse
Clubhouse.
160
00:06:43,504 --> 00:06:45,672
Do I have a second?
- I second!
161
00:06:45,773 --> 00:06:47,408
No! You can't legislate love!
162
00:06:47,508 --> 00:06:49,209
Oh, really?
Two confirmed bachelors
163
00:06:49,309 --> 00:06:50,944
who've cohabitated
their entire lives
164
00:06:51,044 --> 00:06:53,747
have liberal social ethics?
Shocker.
165
00:06:53,847 --> 00:06:55,482
- We're brothers.
- We're cousins.
166
00:06:55,582 --> 00:06:57,551
[ Chuckles ]
Get your story straight, fellas.
167
00:06:57,651 --> 00:07:00,621
Just a reminder -- I'm actually
human under all this,
168
00:07:00,721 --> 00:07:03,290
so Belle and I are cool,
right, guys?
169
00:07:03,390 --> 00:07:04,858
Guys?
170
00:07:04,958 --> 00:07:06,460
[gavel bangs]
All right, enough, enough.
171
00:07:06,560 --> 00:07:08,429
All in favor?
- [ all shout "aye" ]
172
00:07:08,529 --> 00:07:09,830
The motion passes.
173
00:07:09,930 --> 00:07:12,399
Everyone, please stop
fighting!
174
00:07:12,499 --> 00:07:17,037
I, Walt Disney, created you to
spread happiness, not bigotry.
175
00:07:17,137 --> 00:07:18,639
He sho did.
176
00:07:18,739 --> 00:07:21,141
Just look at me --
Uncle Remus.
177
00:07:21,241 --> 00:07:23,544
You tells them,
Massa Disney.
178
00:07:23,644 --> 00:07:26,613
Well, I guess it's back
to the grave.
179
00:07:26,713 --> 00:07:28,081
Disney out.
180
00:07:28,182 --> 00:07:30,284
[all gasp]
181
00:07:30,384 --> 00:07:34,221
NARRATOR: 10 years have passed
since the Third World War.
182
00:07:34,321 --> 00:07:37,291
The most valuable resources in
this terrible new world --
183
00:07:37,391 --> 00:07:39,893
food, water, gasoline.
184
00:07:39,993 --> 00:07:43,397
But for those forgotten holidays
struggling to survive,
185
00:07:43,497 --> 00:07:47,100
the most valuable resource
is children!
186
00:07:53,373 --> 00:07:54,341
[gasps]
187
00:07:54,441 --> 00:07:56,243
Daddy, it's a turkey
on a motorcycle!
188
00:07:56,343 --> 00:07:59,079
Be quiet!
Keep your heads down!
189
00:08:03,383 --> 00:08:05,385
[tires screeching ]
190
00:08:22,970 --> 00:08:25,572
That man's suit looks like
the flag we burned for warmth!
191
00:08:25,672 --> 00:08:27,641
It looks so fun!
192
00:08:27,741 --> 00:08:29,142
Daddy! Daddy, can we stop?
193
00:08:29,243 --> 00:08:30,844
Be quiet! Don't look at them!
194
00:08:30,944 --> 00:08:32,479
[family scream ]
195
00:08:32,579 --> 00:08:33,914
How much
for the little girl?!
196
00:08:34,014 --> 00:08:34,982
[tires screech ]
197
00:08:35,082 --> 00:08:37,050
[gobbling ]
198
00:08:37,150 --> 00:08:40,053
How about a little fireworks,
scarecrows?!
199
00:08:40,153 --> 00:08:42,155
[ Sighs ]
That was awful.
200
00:08:46,793 --> 00:08:49,062
- Oh, boy!
- Again! Again! Again!
201
00:08:49,162 --> 00:08:51,999
Idiots!
We raised three idiots!
202
00:08:52,099 --> 00:08:54,868
My sack is so full.
203
00:08:54,968 --> 00:08:57,237
Would you care to slurp up
its contents?
204
00:08:57,337 --> 00:08:59,673
Yay! Candy!
205
00:08:59,773 --> 00:09:02,643
[laughs evilly]
206
00:09:02,743 --> 00:09:04,111
[ Screams ]
207
00:09:04,211 --> 00:09:06,013
Now, you know I couldn't let
that cactus
208
00:09:06,113 --> 00:09:07,681
put a prick in you, kid!
209
00:09:07,781 --> 00:09:09,416
That's his job.
210
00:09:09,516 --> 00:09:11,852
Geez. That guy is creepy.
211
00:09:11,952 --> 00:09:13,053
Hang on!
212
00:09:13,153 --> 00:09:17,157
[tires screech ]
213
00:09:17,257 --> 00:09:19,593
Hey, where is Arbor Day?
214
00:09:26,466 --> 00:09:29,369
Gaah! I've had enough
of this shit.
215
00:09:35,842 --> 00:09:37,244
I think we made it.
216
00:09:37,344 --> 00:09:38,879
Dear?
217
00:09:38,979 --> 00:09:41,348
What the hell is that?!
218
00:09:41,448 --> 00:09:44,184
Ho! Ho! Ho!
219
00:09:47,054 --> 00:09:48,455
[engine turns over]
Honey?
220
00:09:48,555 --> 00:09:49,690
Dad, what are you doing?!
221
00:09:49,790 --> 00:09:51,692
I'm gonna spread a little
Christmas cheer.
222
00:09:51,792 --> 00:09:53,994
All over the fucking desert.
223
00:09:54,094 --> 00:09:56,496
Yaah!
224
00:09:58,799 --> 00:10:00,634
He is real!
225
00:10:00,734 --> 00:10:04,371
[gasps]
I love you, Santa Claus!
226
00:10:04,471 --> 00:10:07,774
It was a feeling that Santa Claus
had long forgotten --
227
00:10:07,874 --> 00:10:10,811
the love of a child.
228
00:10:13,213 --> 00:10:15,382
They didn't need to kidnap
the children.
229
00:10:15,482 --> 00:10:18,185
They just needed a place
in their hearts.
230
00:10:18,285 --> 00:10:23,590
Ho!Ho!Ho!
231
00:10:23,690 --> 00:10:26,460
The lesson from this'
tale of Woe --
232
00:10:26,560 --> 00:10:30,530
always keep the holidays
alive in your heart.
233
00:10:30,631 --> 00:10:34,635
Or just remember that turkey
riding a motorcycle,
234
00:10:34,735 --> 00:10:38,372
because that was pretty
fucking cool.
235
00:10:38,472 --> 00:10:39,606
♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪
236
00:10:39,706 --> 00:10:40,774
♪ Ba-bawk bawk
bawk ♪
237
00:10:40,874 --> 00:10:42,909
♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk
bawk bawk ♪
238
00:10:43,010 --> 00:10:44,044
♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪
239
00:10:44,144 --> 00:10:45,045
♪ Ba-bawk bawk
bawk ♪
240
00:10:45,145 --> 00:10:47,214
♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk
bawk bawk ♪
241
00:10:47,314 --> 00:10:48,281
♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪
242
00:10:48,382 --> 00:10:49,349
♪ Ba-bawk bawk
bawk ♪
243
00:10:49,449 --> 00:10:51,551
♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk
bawk bawk ♪
244
00:10:51,652 --> 00:10:53,654
Ba-gawk! Bawk.
17498
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