Original subtitles

[thunder crashes]

[laughs evilly]

[ sawing ]

[ electricity crackles ]

It's alive!

[thunder crashes]

[laughs evilly]

[ smooch! ]

[laughs evilly]

So, what's my surprise, fellas? I can't wait.

Oh, shit.

Aw, this is gonna be a great sandwich.

Not yet.

Aw, yeah. Which way to the free iPads?

Ah, shit.

[beep]

You just fucked with the wrong Jew.

Aw, yeah. Pescetarian, baby.

What? You don't know what that means?

Well, let me drop some truth on your ass right now.

♪ The vegetarian lifestyle is healthy as fuck ♪

♪ So my four-legged homeys, no reason to duck ♪

♪ But you finned fuckers got this emcee gunnin' ♪

♪ Meat is murder, but them fish had it comin' ♪

♪ Omega-3 fatty acids run deep ♪

♪ but don't sleep ♪

♪ the price you pay is too steep ♪

♪ I never seen a fish who ain't a punk-ass bitch ♪

♪ high mercury killin' my brothers and shit ♪

♪ Got a hot yacht ♪

♪ That's the stone-cold killer ♪

♪ Make these fish lie still as Ben Stiller ♪

- Hey! - ♪ Harpoons in the front ♪

♪ Harpoons in the back ♪

♪ Man, that fuckin' fish mama, she's dressed in black ♪

♪ Every chicken of the sea gonna need an escape pod ♪

♪ Watch me turn Cape Cod into rape cod ♪

♪ My dick, your mouth gonna make a fine pairing ♪

Psych! ♪ That was a fuckin' red herring ♪

♪ Pop, pop, pop ♪

♪ Call me your pop, pop, pop ♪

Pescetarian. ♪ Pop, pop, pop ♪

Steve Jobs, nigga. ♪ Pop, pop, pop ♪

Pescetarian. ♪ Pop, pop, pop ♪

Duchovny. ♪ Pop, pop, pop ♪

Fried fish, nigga. ♪ Pop, pop, pop ♪

[ coughing ]

That was a fuckin' fish bone, nigga.

You okay, man?

Uh, Doc, are you sure this is absolutely necessary?

No. I'm sticking my finger up a grown man's ass

on a fucking hunch.

You forgot The Sword of Omens?

I'm a cat, Panthro. I get distracted easily.

I'm a cat, too, but you don't see me

losing focus every time --

[bird squawks] Bird! Bird! Bird! Bird!

All right, let's do this.

Sword of Omens, come to my hand.

[gasps]

Run!

Hurry up, you stupid sword.

- [ panting ] - Wilykit!

Geez, it's heavy.

No!

Floor it, Panthro!

Finally. Wait, there's blood on it.

Obviously, someone doesn't know how

to respect my nice things.

Where is my mother?

I don't know how to tell you this.

I'm afraid your mother is a zombie!

- Oh, no! - Oh, yes!

She just sits in front of those soap operas all day!

So, she's not a real zombie?

No. I used the word in the figurative sense.

Well, that is a relief.

This week's "Scary Movie for People with Heart Conditions"

will be right back.

Approved by the American Heart Association.

Maybe it's time to stop, William.

No, I can get this. I can get this.

Come on, Travis.

Let's have sex on my roommate's bed.

Oh, man, you're so dirty. I'm gonna get...

- Oh! Right there. - Oh, it's almost as good as...

Oh, yeah. Oh, man. We're totally having sex!

Yeah, this is the best!

Oh, sex feels so good!

No, no, no, don't stop!

Oh, right there!

[ both scream ]

♪ Do do do do ♪

♪ Do do do do do do ♪

♪ Do do do do ♪

♪ Do do do do do do do ♪

♪ Friends forever ♪

♪ Jason plus Michael ♪

♪ equals best friends forever ♪

♪ Palling around like two buddies do ♪

[ Both scream ]

♪ Killing slutty girls, putting pictures in scrapbooks ♪

♪ Sharing adventures, having a good time ♪

Whoo!

♪ Dismembering bodies and eating some cookies ♪

Yum!

♪ Talking about crushes and then killing those crushes ♪

♪ Jason Voorhees and Michael Myers ♪

♪ Best friends ♪

♪ Forever ♪

Die! Die! Die!

[ crying ]

♪ Do do do do ♪

♪ Do do do do do do ♪

You act like you don't have feeling,

but I bet deep down you want to care, don't you?

Tell me you want to care. Tell me.

Tell me you want to care.

Oh, yeah! That's it!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

You need a credit-card number?

Okay. it's 438 --

Have you ever seen a kitten sneeze?

[ laughs ] It's very cute.

Don't blink, or you might miss it.

Any second now, that kitten is going --

[ roars ]

The "Scary Movie for People with Heart Conditions"

was a lie from the very start!

Good luck calling 911 with your heart completely stopped,

you dumb assholes!

Cull the wheat from the chaff!

You never know when the mood for bear sex will strike.

But when it does, be ready with Bear-alis,

the roofie formulated specially for bears.

Bear-alis is the only animal tranquilizer pill

proven to work fast and last a long time

so you can fuck that bear right away.

And then, after you've had time to re-boner,

go for the deuce.

Ask your doctor about bear-alis.

Side effects include death from an inadequately tranquilized bear

and/or nausea and suicidal thoughts at a realization

you just fucked a bear against his or her will.

You never know when the mood for bear sex will strike.

When it does, be ready with Bear-alis brand roofies for bears.

If you tell anyone, I will fucking kill you.

So, Goofy, did your parents take it okay

when you told them you and Clarabelle are together?

Well, of course, Minnie.

Why wouldn't they?

Because she's a cow and you're a dog!

It's u-- it's unnatural! - Someone finally said it!

But, gawrsh, guys.

T-There isn't anybody like me out there.

Well, there's Pluto.

I'm gonna pretend I didn't hear that.

I move we vote to ban mixed-species couples

from the Mickey Mouse Clubhouse.

Do I have a second? - I second!

No! You can't legislate love!

Oh, really? Two confirmed bachelors

who've cohabitated their entire lives

have liberal social ethics? Shocker.

- We're brothers. - We're cousins.

[ Chuckles ] Get your story straight, fellas.

Just a reminder -- I'm actually human under all this,

so Belle and I are cool, right, guys?

Guys?

[gavel bangs] All right, enough, enough.

All in favor? - [ all shout "aye" ]

The motion passes.

Everyone, please stop fighting!

I, Walt Disney, created you to spread happiness, not bigotry.

He sho did.

Just look at me -- Uncle Remus.

You tells them, Massa Disney.

Well, I guess it's back to the grave.

Disney out.

[all gasp]

NARRATOR: 10 years have passed since the Third World War.

The most valuable resources in this terrible new world --

food, water, gasoline.

But for those forgotten holidays struggling to survive,

the most valuable resource is children!

[gasps]

Daddy, it's a turkey on a motorcycle!

Be quiet! Keep your heads down!

[tires screeching ]

That man's suit looks like the flag we burned for warmth!

It looks so fun!

Daddy! Daddy, can we stop?

Be quiet! Don't look at them!

[family scream ]

How much for the little girl?!

[tires screech ]

[gobbling ]

How about a little fireworks, scarecrows?!

[ Sighs ] That was awful.

- Oh, boy! - Again! Again! Again!

Idiots! We raised three idiots!

My sack is so full.

Would you care to slurp up its contents?

Yay! Candy!

[laughs evilly]

[ Screams ]

Now, you know I couldn't let that cactus

put a prick in you, kid!

That's his job.

Geez. That guy is creepy.

Hang on!

[tires screech ]

Hey, where is Arbor Day?

Gaah! I've had enough of this shit.

I think we made it.

Dear?

What the hell is that?!

Ho! Ho! Ho!

[engine turns over] Honey?

Dad, what are you doing?!

I'm gonna spread a little Christmas cheer.

All over the fucking desert.

Yaah!

He is real!

[gasps] I love you, Santa Claus!

It was a feeling that Santa Claus had long forgotten --

the love of a child.

They didn't need to kidnap the children.

They just needed a place in their hearts.

Ho!Ho!Ho!

The lesson from this' tale of Woe --

always keep the holidays alive in your heart.

Or just remember that turkey riding a motorcycle,

because that was pretty fucking cool.

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk ♪

Ba-gawk! Bawk.