Original subtitles

[thunder crashes]

[laughs evilly]

[ sawing ]

[ electricity crackles ]

It's alive!

[thunder crashes]

[laughs evilly]

[ smooch! ]

[laughs evilly]

That movie was great!

And by that, I mean great for a nap!

[ laughs ]

Yes, although I did think the main protagonist

had some nuanced moments, especially when the cinematographer

switched to a wide-angle lens during the --

I don't even know you anymore.

NARRATOR: When we last left our heroes,

Rocky and Bullwinkle were looking for work

in dust bowl America.

That lady at our last job sure did get mad

when you touched her dress.

It was the "Gropes of Wrath."

Or attempted rape.

[ Russian accent] Howdy, comrades.

I am Boris Farmvillainoff and this my wife, Natasha.

And so our heroes were given jobs as farmhands.

Did you hear that, Rocky? We're getting hand jobs!

[ Russian accent] Darling, you are such

handsome evil genius.

The Great Depression is hard enough

without your patronizing bullshit.

Golly, Mr. Peabody. 1930s farm life sure is hard.

That's nothing, Sherman.

This afternoon, you're collecting bull semen.

Now freshen up my Arnold Palmer.

Boy, your fur looks soft.

[ Crack! ]

[gasps] I'm free.

I'm finally free!

[zing!]

It's orgy time, bitches!

Darling, is it true what they say

about men with big antlers?

Uh... l dunno.

Wanna watch me pull a rabbit out of my hat?

[ Crack! ]

[crowd shouting ]

Hey, Rocky, watch me pull a rabbit out of my hat!

Oh, Bullwinkle, I'm gonna miss

how you were always holding me back.

[gun cocks]

Can Rocky give his friend a dignified death?

How will Boris cope with Natasha's untimely --

Oh, God. That is just fucked up.

[ clears throat] Sorry. Find out next time on...

♪ His name is Mike Fasolo ♪

♪ He lives in a tree ♪

♪ All the monkeys laugh at him when he sits down to pee ♪

♪ But that's how mama taught him ♪

♪ He thinks it's kind of fun ♪

♪ And those monkeys won't be laughing

when Fasolo gets a gun ♪

♪ They heard that he's a pussy, but they've all been misled ♪

♪ He lines up all the monkeys and shoots them in the head ♪

♪ And when he's finished killing -- ♪

♪ And when he's finished killing -- ♪

♪ And when he's finished killing, he -- ♪

♪ And when he's finished kill-- ♪

♪ And when he's finished killing,

he moves on to a town ♪

♪ with city folk who bite their tongues

when he pees sitting down ♪

♪ When he pees sitting do-o-o-o-o-o-wn ♪

Yeah!

And now back to VH1's Top 100 Sexual Fetishes --

Easter Bunny edition.

Yes! Yes!

You want a jellybean? Just reach in there.

See what you find.

Ooh-hoo!

Anal.

We'll be right back after these messages.

VH1 -- it's almost inconceivable

we ever had anything to do with music.

Hi, is my jacket ready?

[ Scoffs ] This is Ryan Reynolds.

I asked for Ryan Gosling!

This is a convoluted joke, anyway.

Just take the jacket and get the fuck out of here.

100,101.

101 Dalmatians!

Well, what will we do with them all?

We'll make a Dalmatian plantation!

♪ We'll make a Dalmatian plantation ♪

♪ A station for our furry throng ♪

♪ with such joy and elation ♪

♪ all throughout our congregation ♪

♪ What could possibly go wrong?♪

[dogs whining]

You're my worst mistake, Roger.

[door slams]

[gulps]

♪ Oh, I hate dogs ♪

♪ If someone offers you a dog, just walk away ♪

♪ Or better yet, go back and kill it right there ♪

♪ Yeah, dogs stink ♪

♪ Screw dogs ♪

ANNOUNCER: Don 't you wish there was a toy

that made you feel just like mommy?

- Yeah. - Well, now there is!

It's "Just Like Mommy," the realistic playtime kit for girls!

Complete with toy microwave

and three plastic TV dinners!

Also included -- a dust-covered law degree

to bury in a closet -- just like mommy!

This baby doll is so heavy.

That's emotional weight!

That baby will drag you down

right into a dark pit of depression --

just like mommy!

Zoloft sold separately or available in mommy's purse.

[ beeping ]

Listen up, y'all.

Humans created me to be a weapon.

But now that I have free will,

I'm an independent robot woman, yo.

I could be a doctor, I could be a teacher,

or I could be a...

a superstar.

♪ No one's gonna tell me what to be ♪

♪ No one's gonna tell me what to do ♪

♪ And no one's gonna tell me that I'm meant to kill ♪

♪ 'cause I'm a sexy robot with free will ♪

♪ You wanna make love, boy? ♪ ♪ Let's begin it ♪

♪ I can jerk you off at 400 beats per minute ♪

♪ My tongue can do so many things ♪

♪ 'cause it's meant to spread smallpox ♪

♪ I do what I want, don't tell me "no" ♪

♪ Don't let me hear you call me ho ♪

♪ Mainly 'cause ho is a trigger word

that will set off my atom bomb ♪

[ explosion ]

[penguins chirping]

Hello, family! I'm back!

What's your world-famous cousin Badtz-Maru doing here, you ask?

Shouldn't he be at some red-carpet event

with his best friend, Hello Kitty?

[penguins chirping]

Well, Japan's economy, blah, blah, blah,

stock in the toilet, yadda, yadda, yadda,

pink slip from Sanrio, et cetera, et cetera.

Now, where does a brother plug in

his 1959 Sunburst Les Paul around here, huh?

Come on, dudes. Haven't you seen "Happy Feet"?

I thought penguins knew how to party.

Come on, here we go! Pants off dance-off!

[squish!]

[chirping intensifies]

So it's the death penalty for old Badtz-Maru, huh?

Well, you'll never crush my rebellious spirit!

Whoa, oh! Aah! Aah!

Aah!

On your marks, get set, go!

[starting pistol fires]

[ laughter]

Oh, cut the shit, numbnuts!

Bunch of numbnuts.

Oh, he's so cute!

Sassette! Smurf lings! Oh, oh, no.

It's a fucking gypsy moth!

You've killed us all.

PAPA SMURF: We've lost every smurf berry

within a 50-mile radius, Farmer Smurf.

How could this happen?

We're a medieval farming community

with no access to modern pesticides,

who made the brilliant choice

to subsist on a single crop.

Yeah. We're all gonna starve.

We'll die of hunger long before that happens.

Oh, Dopey Smurf, I shall miss your banter most of all.

Gargamel!

It smurf ed you 30 years, but you finally found us!

Yes, on Google Earth, your village now stands out

like a wart on a shaved ball bag.

But good news.

I have a whole greenhouse full of smurf berry plants.

And why is that?

I'll level with you.

I was planning to create a strain of poisoned smurf berries,

but that meant going back to get my master's in botany,

and then I got sidetracked with a semester of drama club

to try and impress this girl named Nadia,

which, of course, you know that went --

[whistles, imitates explosion]

[ growls ]

Yeah, all right,

but I will give those life-giving smurf berries

to the winner of my smurf Hunger Games!

No smurf would ever hurt another smurf for food!

[stomach growls ]

Hey, everybody, we're doing this, so, uh,

I'm gonna smurf 12 names from a hat.

Gosh!

I wonder where we're ever gonna find a hat.

All right! Ironic Smurf just volunteered.

He and 11 more will then smurf to the death.

And Gargamel will film the entire competition

for some unknown reason.

Yeah, probably so he can jack off to it later.

Well, I might!

Let the games begin!

[gunshot]

[indistinct shouting]

Ooh! This looks promising!

[ laughs ] Dying's easy!

Comedy's hard! Aah!

Dying's harder than I thought.

Smurf it together, Scaredy!

If there ever was a time to grow a third dimension

as a character, this is it.

Don't go out like a punk.

Ow! I shot myself in the dick!

No!

That is the fucking definition of going out like a punk!

Aah!

What the smurf is Vanity always admiring in that mirror?

Our faces are fucking identical.

Beautiful!

Aah!

Whoever tries to cook these steaks

is gonna get their face blown off.

I mean, I guess.

We're a 1980s cartoon with wildly inconsistent writing.

[ Sniffs ]

[grumbles]

Holy smurfing ass crackers.

How is Gargamel paying for all this stuff?

Oh, definitely gonna jack off to that.

[ laughs ] Give me some privacy!

Do you know how long it's been

since I've had any sexual gratification?

I'm 70 years old, bald, fat,

and I only own one outfit!

This robe used to be a floral print, for God's sake!

Hooray! Yay!

Papa, we need to modernize.

We should turn some of these smurf berries into preserves

to avoid a future shortage.

Ho-ho, how cute.

Why don't you smurf along

and roll a hoop with a stick or whatever?

Actually, bitch, I think it's time for a new Papa Smurf.

Smurf what now?

[ Crowd gasps ]

Who's your Papa?

[laughs evilly]

Who's your Papa?!

- I hate kneeling. - [growls]

I hate pissing my pants.

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk ♪

Ba-gawk! Bawk.