Original subtitles

[alarm beeping]

Jumping Jehovah!

It's one minute to Christmas!

Pack the toys, get my list,

and if those fleabags aren't saddled in six seconds,

then get your ass under the mistletoe

'cause my boot's gonna give it a fucking sole kiss.

And who was in charge of my wake-up call?

Pack your shit and get out.

Hyah! [reindeers whinny]

[ crying ]

Holy... let's do this!

[ Whistle! ]

[ Whistle! ]

[ Whistle! ]

[ Whistle! ]

Santa remembered me!

[ Splat! ]

Oh, wait a minute.

Boo-yah! 15 seconds to spare.

I fuckin' rule!

Santa dance.

♪ [ hip-hop music plays] ♪

Oh, no, you don't. You're not gonna fuck me.

Santa's the one doing the fuckin' tonight.

[grunts]

Why won't this thing open?

[woman grunting] Get off of me! Aah! Stop!

Ack, you're having a dream!

No, Santa. No!

Aah! Aah!

Yaahhhhhh!

[thud!]

I hate Christmas.

- [all gasp] - You heard me.

♪ [rock music plays] ♪

No, I don't know when I'll be home.

Because there's still Jews eating dinner.

I wish I could be home celebrating Christmas

with my family, too.

I hate the Jews, too, honey.

Okay, bye.

When that lumberjack violently cut me down,

I thought "oh, my life is over."

but then, you welcomed me into your family.

These have been the two happiest weeks of my life.

[ laughs ] Thanks, Christmas tree.

Oh, we love you, Christmas tree.

Morning, gorgeous. Hey, where we going?

Oh, urn, we're all going on vacation

to Universal Studios.

Awesome!

I wanna go to Harry Potter land and try that fake butterbeer.

You're grabbing the luggage?

Remember, grab the sunscreen.

[garbage truck beeping]

Hold up, there. No, no, no.

I'm actually about to head to Florida with my family.

Carol! Help!

Jeff, get out here, man! They think I'm trash!

I thought I was part of the family.

You lied to me, you bastards!

Are you fucking kidding me?!

Think positive.

Maybe someone will just use me for boogers or number one.

Wait a minute. Is that them?

Sally, get some extra toilet paper, okay, hon?

We're having Indian food tonight.

Oh, no, no, no!

Dear, we thought we could use this

after your chimney accident.

Ho! Ho! Ho!

A candy cane -- how thoughtful.

Aah! - Oh, no.

It was actually made of candy?

We thought it would hold you!

Oh, was this load-bearing peppermint?

Oh, God. I shattered my tibia.

Aw, that's not fair!

Who's laughing at "Big Foot" Danny now.

Welcome back to

"The Justin Bieber Christmas Special with Love."

I love you all.

This is a song I wrote about Christmas

and how it makes my heart feel.

♪ [ heavy-metal music plays] ♪

♪ Fuck Christmas ♪

♪ Fuck Christmas ♪

Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!

♪ I see those presents that you bought me ♪

♪ Fuck 'em ♪

♪ I see that ribbon in your hair ♪

♪ I'll choke you with it ♪

♪ My Christmas card up on the mantle ♪

♪ It's a photo of my dick ♪

♪ And all the stockings hung with care ♪

♪ They're filled with my shit J”

Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!

♪ Fuck Christmas ♪

Yeah! Ooh, ooh, yeah.

We never had this problem with David Cassidy.

Cassidy was a hack.

Bieber is a fucking artist.

[panting]

[ Crack! ]

[grunts]

[gun cocks]

[grunts]

Aah!

You're a hard man to find, Jason.

[sighs]

The list -- look what it makes me do.

Look what it makes me do.

[gagging]

Parcheesi!

Oh, would you look at that?

More blocks.

Yay.

[ fanfare plays ]

All gifts present and accounted for,

except Snake Eyes.

He's so hard to buy for.

What's wrong with what we always get him?

I never hear him complain about it.

What are you supposed to get a guy

who won't tell us what he wants?

There is one thing he wants, and we all know it.

Okay, there's Storm Shadow's house.

We zipline over, bag him, and get him back to the base

for Snake Eyes to open on Christmas morning.

ALL: Yo, Joe!

Take him alive!

ALL: Yo, Joe!

Oh, baby, I'm sorry.

Ow! Ow!

Ohh, this is not good.

We're not leaving without you, mister.

Yo, Joe!

I got him! I got him!

Merry fuckin' Christmas.

Well, that's true, Mrs. Cage.

It only says your card is declined.

I inferred that you were poor.

It's just -- it's been so hard to make ends meet

since my husband passed away.

Cage -- where have I heard that before?

Finish him!

- [groans] - Oh, right. That guy I killed.

Wait!

Well, if you're sure I'm not imposing,

I'd love to join you for Christmas dinner.

Wonderful. It'll be just like having Johnny back.

You remind me of him, you know?

You have his heart.

Kano rules!

Hyah!

Okay. [grunts] Okay.

Hyah!

Oh.

Oh, oh.

Unh-unh.

[ laughs ]

Listen, Sarah, this has been a perfect day,

but something I need to confess.

[sighs] I don't understand.

It's -- it's Johnny's heart. I was the one who killed him.

- Kano, this isn't a heart. - It's not?

So he reaches in and pulls out my appendix.

[ all laugh ]

Can you believe that?

He actually saved my life, quite frankly.

[ laughs ]

[ smooches ]

Oh, boy! Oh, boy! Oh, boy!

Christmas! Yay!

♪ Jingle bells, mom's in tears, what is going on? ♪

Everybody, be cool. We've just been robbed!

Bastards even took the tree.

What could the black-market value

on a rapidly-browning Douglas Fir possibly be?

No -- no presents?

Oh, honey, it's totally fine.

We're gonna have...

pretend Christmas.

Open it. - It's, uh...

It's just a mint-on-card Version 2 Snake Eyes from 1985

with an AFA grade of 99.

This got stolen?! Aah!

Sweetie, you didn't open your framed original artwork

from G.l. Joe number 21

with signed certificate from creator Larry Hama!

Aah!

[ crying ] Why did this happen to me?!

- [ Indistinct chanting] - Huh?

Join us, friend. All our houses were robbed.

Thanks, but I don't wanna sing and feel better.

[laughing ] Oh, no, we're not singing to feel better.

We're chanting to raise the spirit of vengeance

from the depths of hell to seek out the motherfucker

who stole my children's iPads

and disembowel him with a giant flaming spear.

You're in the wrong circle, Dave.

The "chant for vengeance" circle is over there.

- Aah, damn it. - Wait a minute.

The stolen presents, the singing rubes --

I know this story.

[gasps] That means the thief should be...

Aha!

In hindsight, racing up this icy mountain in a onesie

was a bad idea.

Can't... go... on.

[ Breathes heavily]

Oh, Snake Eyes, you'll have some inspirational words for me.

Uh... kind of dropping the ball, Snake Eyes.

Wow, Larry Hama!

You can do it. Believe in yourself.

Not the most original words of inspiration I've ever heard.

Look, kid. I used to write a comic book

that was basically word balloons on a toy catalog.

Now, if you want me to read some passages

from my unfinished novel --

No, thank you.

Grinch, come out of that sleigh

so I can whip the green off your bitch ass!

It's easy to talk tough to a villain

when his little bird wrists are even bonier than your own.

[gasps] You're not the cartoon Grinch.

You're the stupid-ass Jim Carrey Grinch.

A grinch is a grinch, my little friend.

And I'm afraid your precious presents --

You took the best cartoon of all time,

and you pissed in its mouth!

Hey, hey, hey. Let's not get personal.

You know what? Keep my stuff.

I'm about to give myself

the best Christmas present of all time.

Nooooooo!

[ Whistle! ]

[ Crash! ]

Merry Christmas to all, and to all, a good --

- [ barking ] - Oh, my gosh.

That little Stockholm-syndrome dog.

[Whimpers]

Oh, my gosh!

Oh, these tooth marks are really gonna affect

the AFA grading, though.

[Whimpers]

J" La-boo-da-boo, bring us... J”

Everyone, look who fell through my roof --

the Christmas thief!

The spirit of vengeance answered our prayers!

[ All cheering ]

Would the spirit of vengeance want us to rape it?

It is Christmas.

[ All cheering ]

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk ♪

Ba-gawk! Bawk.