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1
00:00:07,742 --> 00:00:09,710
[alarm beeping]
2
00:00:09,777 --> 00:00:11,078
Jumping Jehovah!
3
00:00:11,145 --> 00:00:13,047
It's one minute to Christmas!
4
00:00:13,114 --> 00:00:14,682
Pack the toys, get my list,
5
00:00:14,749 --> 00:00:17,251
and if those fleabags aren't
saddled in six seconds,
6
00:00:17,318 --> 00:00:18,986
then get your ass
under the mistletoe
7
00:00:19,053 --> 00:00:21,489
'cause my boot's gonna give it
a fucking sole kiss.
8
00:00:21,555 --> 00:00:24,492
And who was in charge
of my wake-up call?
9
00:00:28,996 --> 00:00:31,332
Pack your shit and get out.
10
00:00:31,399 --> 00:00:33,067
Hyah!
[reindeers whinny]
11
00:00:33,134 --> 00:00:35,136
[ crying ]
12
00:00:35,202 --> 00:00:38,372
Holy... let's do this!
13
00:00:38,439 --> 00:00:40,141
[ Whistle! ]
14
00:00:40,207 --> 00:00:41,709
[ Whistle! ]
15
00:00:41,776 --> 00:00:44,245
[ Whistle! ]
16
00:00:44,311 --> 00:00:45,880
[ Whistle! ]
17
00:00:45,946 --> 00:00:47,815
Santa remembered me!
18
00:00:47,882 --> 00:00:49,750
[ Splat! ]
19
00:00:49,817 --> 00:00:50,885
Oh, wait a minute.
20
00:00:54,488 --> 00:00:56,557
Boo-yah!
15 seconds to spare.
21
00:00:56,624 --> 00:00:57,725
I fuckin' rule!
22
00:00:57,792 --> 00:00:58,926
Santa dance.
23
00:00:58,993 --> 00:01:02,129
♪ [ hip-hop music plays] ♪
24
00:01:02,196 --> 00:01:04,298
Oh, no, you don't.
You're not gonna fuck me.
25
00:01:04,365 --> 00:01:06,667
Santa's the one
doing the fuckin' tonight.
26
00:01:18,746 --> 00:01:19,914
[grunts]
27
00:01:19,980 --> 00:01:21,282
Why won't this thing open?
28
00:01:21,348 --> 00:01:23,684
[woman grunting]
Get off of me! Aah! Stop!
29
00:01:23,751 --> 00:01:25,486
Ack, you're having a dream!
30
00:01:25,553 --> 00:01:27,088
No, Santa. No!
31
00:01:27,154 --> 00:01:29,156
Aah! Aah!
32
00:01:29,223 --> 00:01:31,125
Yaahhhhhh!
33
00:01:31,192 --> 00:01:32,359
[thud!]
34
00:01:32,426 --> 00:01:34,128
I hate Christmas.
35
00:01:34,195 --> 00:01:35,996
- [all gasp]
- You heard me.
36
00:01:36,063 --> 00:01:38,165
♪ [rock music plays] ♪
37
00:02:11,866 --> 00:02:13,801
No, I don't know
when I'll be home.
38
00:02:13,868 --> 00:02:16,303
Because there's still Jews
eating dinner.
39
00:02:16,370 --> 00:02:18,506
I wish I could be home
celebrating Christmas
40
00:02:18,572 --> 00:02:19,440
with my family, too.
41
00:02:19,507 --> 00:02:20,841
I hate the Jews, too, honey.
42
00:02:20,908 --> 00:02:22,343
Okay, bye.
43
00:02:22,409 --> 00:02:25,146
When that lumberjack
violently cut me down,
44
00:02:25,212 --> 00:02:27,548
I thought
"oh, my life is over."
45
00:02:27,615 --> 00:02:30,184
but then, you welcomed me
into your family.
46
00:02:30,251 --> 00:02:33,187
These have been the two
happiest weeks of my life.
47
00:02:33,254 --> 00:02:35,089
[ laughs ]
Thanks, Christmas tree.
48
00:02:35,156 --> 00:02:38,325
Oh, we love you,
Christmas tree.
49
00:02:40,294 --> 00:02:42,429
Morning, gorgeous.
Hey, where we going?
50
00:02:42,496 --> 00:02:45,933
Oh, urn, we're all
going on vacation
51
00:02:46,000 --> 00:02:47,801
to Universal Studios.
52
00:02:47,868 --> 00:02:49,603
Awesome!
53
00:02:49,670 --> 00:02:52,239
I wanna go to Harry Potter land
and try that fake butterbeer.
54
00:02:52,306 --> 00:02:53,641
You're grabbing the luggage?
55
00:02:53,707 --> 00:02:55,476
Remember, grab the sunscreen.
56
00:02:55,543 --> 00:02:56,510
[garbage truck beeping]
57
00:02:56,577 --> 00:02:57,978
Hold up, there.
No, no, no.
58
00:02:58,045 --> 00:03:00,648
I'm actually about to head to
Florida with my family.
59
00:03:00,714 --> 00:03:02,216
Carol! Help!
60
00:03:02,283 --> 00:03:05,319
Jeff, get out here, man!
They think I'm trash!
61
00:03:05,386 --> 00:03:07,488
I thought I was part
of the family.
62
00:03:07,555 --> 00:03:10,191
You lied to me, you bastards!
63
00:03:10,257 --> 00:03:13,060
Are you fucking
kidding me?!
64
00:03:14,261 --> 00:03:15,162
Think positive.
65
00:03:15,229 --> 00:03:18,299
Maybe someone will just use me
for boogers or number one.
66
00:03:18,365 --> 00:03:20,467
Wait a minute.
Is that them?
67
00:03:20,534 --> 00:03:22,469
Sally, get some extra toilet
paper, okay, hon?
68
00:03:22,536 --> 00:03:24,171
We're having Indian food
tonight.
69
00:03:24,238 --> 00:03:26,240
Oh, no, no, no!
70
00:03:26,307 --> 00:03:27,541
Dear, we thought
we could use this
71
00:03:27,608 --> 00:03:28,809
after your chimney
accident.
72
00:03:28,876 --> 00:03:29,944
Ho! Ho! Ho!
73
00:03:30,010 --> 00:03:32,179
A candy cane --
how thoughtful.
74
00:03:32,246 --> 00:03:33,247
Aah!
- Oh, no.
75
00:03:33,314 --> 00:03:35,082
It was actually made of
candy?
76
00:03:35,149 --> 00:03:36,584
We thought it would hold you!
77
00:03:36,650 --> 00:03:38,452
Oh, was this load-bearing
peppermint?
78
00:03:38,519 --> 00:03:40,321
Oh, God.
I shattered my tibia.
79
00:03:41,855 --> 00:03:43,624
Aw, that's not fair!
80
00:03:43,691 --> 00:03:46,393
Who's laughing at
"Big Foot" Danny now.
81
00:03:46,460 --> 00:03:47,428
Welcome back to
82
00:03:47,494 --> 00:03:51,098
"The Justin Bieber Christmas
Special with Love."
83
00:03:51,165 --> 00:03:52,299
I love you all.
84
00:03:52,366 --> 00:03:54,168
This is a song
I wrote about Christmas
85
00:03:54,235 --> 00:03:57,972
and how it makes
my heart feel.
86
00:03:58,038 --> 00:03:59,440
♪ [ heavy-metal music plays] ♪
87
00:03:59,506 --> 00:04:02,076
♪ Fuck Christmas ♪
88
00:04:02,142 --> 00:04:04,778
♪ Fuck
Christmas ♪
89
00:04:04,845 --> 00:04:07,214
Fuck! Fuck!
Fuck! Fuck!
90
00:04:07,281 --> 00:04:08,716
♪ I see those presents
that you bought me ♪
91
00:04:08,782 --> 00:04:09,717
♪ Fuck 'em ♪
92
00:04:09,783 --> 00:04:11,318
♪ I see that ribbon
in your hair ♪
93
00:04:11,385 --> 00:04:12,353
♪ I'll choke you with it ♪
94
00:04:12,419 --> 00:04:13,954
♪ My Christmas card up
on the mantle ♪
95
00:04:14,021 --> 00:04:15,456
♪ It's a photo of my dick ♪
96
00:04:15,522 --> 00:04:16,790
♪ And all the stockings
hung with care ♪
97
00:04:16,857 --> 00:04:18,158
♪ They're filled
with my shit J”
98
00:04:18,225 --> 00:04:20,127
Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!
99
00:04:20,194 --> 00:04:21,462
♪ Fuck Christmas ♪
100
00:04:21,528 --> 00:04:23,631
Yeah!
Ooh, ooh, yeah.
101
00:04:23,697 --> 00:04:25,633
We never had this problem
with David Cassidy.
102
00:04:25,699 --> 00:04:26,834
Cassidy was a hack.
103
00:04:26,900 --> 00:04:29,036
Bieber is a fucking artist.
104
00:04:29,103 --> 00:04:31,305
[panting]
105
00:04:31,372 --> 00:04:34,508
[ Crack! ]
106
00:04:34,575 --> 00:04:36,844
[grunts]
107
00:04:36,910 --> 00:04:38,712
[gun cocks]
108
00:04:50,291 --> 00:04:51,792
[grunts]
109
00:04:53,827 --> 00:04:56,130
Aah!
110
00:05:00,134 --> 00:05:02,136
You're a hard man to find,
Jason.
111
00:05:02,202 --> 00:05:03,070
[sighs]
112
00:05:03,137 --> 00:05:05,439
The list -- look
what it makes me do.
113
00:05:05,506 --> 00:05:07,474
Look what it makes me do.
114
00:05:07,541 --> 00:05:10,978
[gagging]
115
00:05:11,045 --> 00:05:12,379
Parcheesi!
116
00:05:12,446 --> 00:05:13,947
Oh, would you look at that?
117
00:05:14,014 --> 00:05:15,749
More blocks.
118
00:05:15,816 --> 00:05:17,951
Yay.
119
00:05:18,018 --> 00:05:18,886
[ fanfare plays ]
120
00:05:18,952 --> 00:05:20,721
All gifts present
and accounted for,
121
00:05:20,788 --> 00:05:21,822
except Snake Eyes.
122
00:05:21,889 --> 00:05:23,223
He's so hard to buy for.
123
00:05:23,290 --> 00:05:28,228
What's wrong with what
we always get him?
124
00:05:28,295 --> 00:05:30,531
I never hear him complain
about it.
125
00:05:30,597 --> 00:05:32,366
What are you supposed
to get a guy
126
00:05:32,433 --> 00:05:33,334
who won't tell us
what he wants?
127
00:05:33,400 --> 00:05:37,304
There is one thing he wants,
and we all know it.
128
00:05:39,440 --> 00:05:41,208
Okay, there's Storm Shadow's
house.
129
00:05:41,275 --> 00:05:43,844
We zipline over, bag him,
and get him back to the base
130
00:05:43,911 --> 00:05:47,081
for Snake Eyes to open
on Christmas morning.
131
00:05:47,147 --> 00:05:49,483
ALL:
Yo, Joe!
132
00:05:49,550 --> 00:05:53,387
Take him alive!
133
00:05:53,454 --> 00:05:56,757
ALL:
Yo, Joe!
134
00:05:56,824 --> 00:05:59,126
Oh, baby, I'm sorry.
135
00:06:01,228 --> 00:06:02,296
Ow! Ow!
136
00:06:02,363 --> 00:06:04,098
Ohh, this is not good.
137
00:06:04,164 --> 00:06:06,133
We're not leaving
without you, mister.
138
00:06:06,200 --> 00:06:08,736
Yo, Joe!
139
00:06:08,802 --> 00:06:10,804
I got him! I got him!
140
00:06:18,078 --> 00:06:20,581
Merry fuckin' Christmas.
141
00:06:22,649 --> 00:06:24,418
Well, that's true,
Mrs. Cage.
142
00:06:24,485 --> 00:06:26,520
It only says your card
is declined.
143
00:06:26,587 --> 00:06:28,222
I inferred that you were poor.
144
00:06:28,288 --> 00:06:30,290
It's just -- it's been so hard
to make ends meet
145
00:06:30,357 --> 00:06:32,493
since my husband passed away.
146
00:06:32,559 --> 00:06:34,561
Cage -- where have I heard
that before?
147
00:06:34,628 --> 00:06:35,796
Finish him!
148
00:06:35,863 --> 00:06:38,532
- [groans]
- Oh, right. That guy I killed.
149
00:06:38,599 --> 00:06:39,700
Wait!
150
00:06:39,767 --> 00:06:41,068
Well, if you're sure
I'm not imposing,
151
00:06:41,135 --> 00:06:43,170
I'd love to join you
for Christmas dinner.
152
00:06:43,237 --> 00:06:45,672
Wonderful. It'll be just like
having Johnny back.
153
00:06:45,739 --> 00:06:47,074
You remind me of him,
you know?
154
00:06:47,141 --> 00:06:48,375
You have his heart.
155
00:06:48,442 --> 00:06:51,245
Kano rules!
156
00:06:51,311 --> 00:06:53,213
Hyah!
157
00:06:53,280 --> 00:06:55,449
Okay.
[grunts] Okay.
158
00:06:55,516 --> 00:06:56,917
Hyah!
159
00:06:56,984 --> 00:06:58,318
Oh.
160
00:06:58,385 --> 00:06:59,386
Oh, oh.
161
00:06:59,453 --> 00:07:00,654
Unh-unh.
162
00:07:00,721 --> 00:07:03,557
[ laughs ]
163
00:07:03,624 --> 00:07:06,393
Listen, Sarah,
this has been a perfect day,
164
00:07:06,460 --> 00:07:08,262
but something I need
to confess.
165
00:07:08,328 --> 00:07:09,630
[sighs]
I don't understand.
166
00:07:09,696 --> 00:07:11,799
It's -- it's Johnny's heart.
I was the one who killed him.
167
00:07:11,865 --> 00:07:14,701
- Kano, this isn't a heart.
- It's not?
168
00:07:14,768 --> 00:07:17,938
So he reaches in
and pulls out my appendix.
169
00:07:18,005 --> 00:07:19,006
[ all laugh ]
170
00:07:19,072 --> 00:07:20,274
Can you believe that?
171
00:07:20,340 --> 00:07:22,142
He actually saved my life,
quite frankly.
172
00:07:22,209 --> 00:07:23,544
[ laughs ]
173
00:07:23,610 --> 00:07:24,945
[ smooches ]
174
00:07:25,012 --> 00:07:26,647
Oh, boy! Oh, boy! Oh, boy!
175
00:07:26,713 --> 00:07:28,582
Christmas! Yay!
176
00:07:28,649 --> 00:07:32,286
♪ Jingle bells, mom's in tears,
what is going on? ♪
177
00:07:32,352 --> 00:07:35,055
Everybody, be cool.
We've just been robbed!
178
00:07:35,122 --> 00:07:37,124
Bastards even took the tree.
179
00:07:37,191 --> 00:07:39,326
What could
the black-market value
180
00:07:39,393 --> 00:07:42,329
on a rapidly-browning
Douglas Fir possibly be?
181
00:07:42,396 --> 00:07:44,097
No -- no presents?
182
00:07:44,164 --> 00:07:46,366
Oh, honey, it's totally fine.
183
00:07:46,433 --> 00:07:47,835
We're gonna have...
184
00:07:47,901 --> 00:07:49,436
pretend Christmas.
185
00:07:49,503 --> 00:07:51,705
Open it.
- It's, uh...
186
00:07:51,772 --> 00:07:56,477
It's just a mint-on-card
Version 2 Snake Eyes from 1985
187
00:07:56,543 --> 00:07:59,713
with an AFA grade of 99.
188
00:07:59,780 --> 00:08:01,682
This got stolen?!
Aah!
189
00:08:01,748 --> 00:08:04,284
Sweetie, you didn't open
your framed original artwork
190
00:08:04,351 --> 00:08:07,221
from G.l. Joe number 21
191
00:08:07,287 --> 00:08:10,691
with signed certificate
from creator Larry Hama!
192
00:08:10,757 --> 00:08:12,092
Aah!
193
00:08:12,159 --> 00:08:15,562
[ crying ] Why did this
happen to me?!
194
00:08:15,629 --> 00:08:18,532
- [ Indistinct chanting]
- Huh?
195
00:08:18,599 --> 00:08:20,701
Join us, friend.
All our houses were robbed.
196
00:08:20,767 --> 00:08:23,737
Thanks, but I don't wanna sing
and feel better.
197
00:08:23,804 --> 00:08:26,106
[laughing ] Oh, no, we're
not singing to feel better.
198
00:08:26,173 --> 00:08:27,875
We're chanting to raise
the spirit of vengeance
199
00:08:27,941 --> 00:08:29,810
from the depths of hell to seek
out the motherfucker
200
00:08:29,877 --> 00:08:31,211
who stole my children's iPads
201
00:08:31,278 --> 00:08:33,280
and disembowel him
with a giant flaming spear.
202
00:08:33,347 --> 00:08:35,349
You're in the wrong circle,
Dave.
203
00:08:35,415 --> 00:08:38,652
The "chant for vengeance" circle
is over there.
204
00:08:38,719 --> 00:08:40,888
- Aah, damn it.
- Wait a minute.
205
00:08:40,954 --> 00:08:43,924
The stolen presents,
the singing rubes --
206
00:08:43,991 --> 00:08:45,993
I know this story.
207
00:08:46,059 --> 00:08:51,431
[gasps]
That means the thief should be...
208
00:08:51,498 --> 00:08:52,599
Aha!
209
00:08:52,666 --> 00:08:55,536
In hindsight, racing up
this icy mountain in a onesie
210
00:08:55,602 --> 00:08:57,204
was a bad idea.
211
00:08:57,271 --> 00:08:59,973
Can't... go... on.
212
00:09:00,040 --> 00:09:01,241
[ Breathes heavily]
213
00:09:01,308 --> 00:09:05,612
Oh, Snake Eyes, you'll have some
inspirational words for me.
214
00:09:08,482 --> 00:09:11,084
Uh... kind of dropping the ball,
Snake Eyes.
215
00:09:11,151 --> 00:09:13,587
Wow, Larry Hama!
216
00:09:13,654 --> 00:09:15,656
You can do it.
Believe in yourself.
217
00:09:15,722 --> 00:09:18,725
Not the most original words
of inspiration I've ever heard.
218
00:09:18,792 --> 00:09:20,794
Look, kid.
I used to write a comic book
219
00:09:20,861 --> 00:09:24,264
that was basically word balloons
on a toy catalog.
220
00:09:24,331 --> 00:09:26,033
Now, if you want me
to read some passages
221
00:09:26,099 --> 00:09:27,668
from my unfinished
novel --
222
00:09:27,734 --> 00:09:30,103
No, thank you.
223
00:09:30,170 --> 00:09:32,406
Grinch, come out
of that sleigh
224
00:09:32,472 --> 00:09:35,242
so I can whip the green
off your bitch ass!
225
00:09:35,309 --> 00:09:36,910
It's easy to talk tough
to a villain
226
00:09:36,977 --> 00:09:40,180
when his little bird wrists are
even bonier than your own.
227
00:09:40,247 --> 00:09:43,216
[gasps]
You're not the cartoon Grinch.
228
00:09:43,283 --> 00:09:45,953
You're the stupid-ass
Jim Carrey Grinch.
229
00:09:46,019 --> 00:09:48,021
A grinch is a grinch,
my little friend.
230
00:09:48,088 --> 00:09:50,424
And I'm afraid
your precious presents --
231
00:09:50,490 --> 00:09:52,926
You took the best cartoon
of all time,
232
00:09:52,993 --> 00:09:54,995
and you pissed
in its mouth!
233
00:09:55,062 --> 00:09:57,197
Hey, hey, hey.
Let's not get personal.
234
00:09:57,264 --> 00:09:58,932
You know what?
Keep my stuff.
235
00:09:58,999 --> 00:10:00,400
I'm about to give myself
236
00:10:00,467 --> 00:10:02,836
the best Christmas present
of all time.
237
00:10:02,903 --> 00:10:04,504
Nooooooo!
238
00:10:04,571 --> 00:10:06,373
[ Whistle! ]
239
00:10:06,440 --> 00:10:07,307
[ Crash! ]
240
00:10:07,374 --> 00:10:10,243
Merry Christmas to all,
and to all, a good --
241
00:10:10,310 --> 00:10:12,012
- [ barking ]
- Oh, my gosh.
242
00:10:12,079 --> 00:10:14,047
That little
Stockholm-syndrome dog.
243
00:10:14,114 --> 00:10:15,315
[Whimpers]
244
00:10:15,382 --> 00:10:17,150
Oh, my gosh!
245
00:10:17,217 --> 00:10:19,186
Oh, these tooth marks are
really gonna affect
246
00:10:19,252 --> 00:10:21,021
the AFA grading,
though.
247
00:10:21,088 --> 00:10:21,922
[Whimpers]
248
00:10:21,989 --> 00:10:24,992
J" La-boo-da-boo,
bring us... J”
249
00:10:25,058 --> 00:10:27,060
Everyone, look who fell
through my roof --
250
00:10:27,127 --> 00:10:28,328
the Christmas thief!
251
00:10:28,395 --> 00:10:31,064
The spirit of vengeance
answered our prayers!
252
00:10:31,131 --> 00:10:33,834
[ All cheering ]
253
00:10:33,900 --> 00:10:35,902
Would the spirit of vengeance
want us to rape it?
254
00:10:35,969 --> 00:10:37,070
It is Christmas.
255
00:10:37,137 --> 00:10:38,872
[ All cheering ]
256
00:10:38,972 --> 00:10:39,906
♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪
257
00:10:39,973 --> 00:10:41,041
♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪
258
00:10:41,108 --> 00:10:43,176
♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk
bawk bawk ♪
259
00:10:43,243 --> 00:10:44,311
♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪
260
00:10:44,378 --> 00:10:45,312
♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪
261
00:10:45,379 --> 00:10:47,481
♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk
bawk bawk ♪
262
00:10:47,547 --> 00:10:48,548
♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪
263
00:10:48,615 --> 00:10:49,616
♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪
264
00:10:49,683 --> 00:10:51,818
♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk
bawk bawk ♪
265
00:10:51,885 --> 00:10:53,887
Ba-gawk! Bawk.
18203
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