Original subtitles

[thunder crashes]

[laughs evilly]

[ sawing ]

[ electricity crackles ]

It's alive!

[thunder crashes]

[laughs evilly]

[ smooch! ]

[laughs evilly]

Now, "Top Chef: Sweden"!

ALL: Bork! Bork! Bork! Bork! Bork!

[all mumbling loudly]

Your challenge is --

ALL: [muttering ]

Your challenge -- your challenge is

to prepare the traditional Scandinavian dish

known as lutefisk!

Bork!

Step aside, dudes. Time for a shell spin!

Whoo-hoo-hoo! Turtle power!

[chuckles] [grunts]

[chuckling ] Hey, hey-

Hey, dudes, little, uh... [grunts]

Little help here! Leo?

Little help!

So, Loki's like, "please have mercy!"

and I was all, "Sorry, pal.

Can't hear a thing in this helmet."

Ba-da-boom! Chest-mounted unibeam, baby.

[ laughter]

You is the man!

Got a story from the fight, Jolly Green?

Well, Hulk smash.

And Hulk smash.

But then... Hulk smash!

No freaking way, man!

- Swearsies. - [ laughter]

Okay, well, okay, so, I-l kicked this guy,

and I shot him with my pistols.

And it turns out that he was, uh, bulletproof

and also kick-proof.

Oh, God! I'm, like, the lamest one on this team!

I don't even know why you guys keep me around.

Ohhhh, yeah.

♪ Baby, baby, baby, baby ♪

[gasps]

♪ Mm ♪

Don't talk like that.

You're a critical component of this team.

Right, fellas? - Absolutely, uh-huh.

Yeah. Sure.

I guess whoever we fight next better watch out

for the Black Widow, huh?!

ALL: Yeah!

Black Widow's gone now,

but she leaves behind the gift of knowledge --

the knowledge that you cannot

defeat Demogorge the God-Eater

with a karate kick.

But I almost got him with my arrows.

Right -- right, guys?

[sobs] What am I saying?!

I don't even know why you guys keep me around!

♪ Ooh, ooh, oh, oh, oh ♪

Ohhh, yeah.

ANNOUNCER: Next Thursday on NBS...

Flatline! We're losing him!

O-o-o-ouch!

...a suicide victim will be saved...

-[gasps] - Hooray! He's alive!

Damn it! I'm alive!

...by the hospital's most talented physician.

But when Dr. E. T.'s old demons come back to haunt him...

I'll put it ri-i-i-ght here.

Hey, prick, that's my girlfriend!

Step off.

O-o-ouch!

...he'll face his greatest challenge yet.

He's dying. You have to do something!

Doctor?!

I'll be ri-i-i-i-ght back.

[ Metal clatters, door closes ]

- MAN: Hey, that's my bike! - E.T.: Step off, bro.

[bicycle bell clinging]

Thursday on an all-new E.T. -- Emergency Terrestrial. ”

[ laughing ] Yeah! Bachelor party!

I'm buying you a lap dance, buddy!

[bell above door jingles]

You wait right there, Harry.

I'm gonna change into something more comfortable.

Dongus stoutus!

[sighs] Oh, come on.

Uh, beef us girthus?

Poleus maximus?

Aaaaaah!

[cellphone vibrates]

[cellphone bloops]

Stalkus minimus! Stalkus minimus! Stalkus minimus!

Now let me see what the famous Harry Potter's packing.

[ Chuckles ]

[gasps] Why do you have a vadge?

♪ [video game music] ♪

[ sproing! sproing! sproing!]

I-Is he gone? Oh, phew!

Dude's a fucking stalker.

[gasps] The royal family!

They're coming our way!

Ohh, aren't they just adorable?

Greatest... moment... of my life.

Oh, and I've been totally needing a new bra.

What are you -- aah!

BOTH: Aaaaah!

[gasps] I want one!

Mommy! Daddy!

[ Snaps! ]

Check it out -- pasties!

Aaaagh!

[gagging]

Now, girls, remember, we're only here to browse.

[whining ] Daddy, no! I want them!

You heard me! Let's go!

[ crying ] This is so unfair.

It's like he doesn't even care how cruel he is!

[sighs]

[choking ]

[coughs]

Godzilla has left the nation in ruins!

Oh, no! California's most treasured landmark!

Oh, no! California's most treasured landmark

despite what those a-holes down in Los Angeles think.

Godzilla is pulling some hot stripper-pole action

on the Sears Tower or whatever the fuck

we call it these days.

What is it? Wil-- Willis Tower?

I'm hearing Willis Tower.

And after destroying Manhattan,

Godzilla is finally headed back out to sea.

Oh! Total dick move by Godzilla.

Nowhere near water is safe!

It has never been a better time to be a landlocked state.

Tourism here in Des Moines is through the roof!

We're all rich!

[cheers and applause] [dialing ]

This is the mayor's assistant, Mr. G.

Your check is in the mail.

Ha ha ha ha!

Oh, how the hell am I supposed to cash this?

Disneyland is a magical place

that's fun for the whole family.

Even teenagers.

Because at Disneyland,

there are dozens of secret places

for young people to give each other hand jobs.

Come ride "The Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh."

And when you exit, make a left at the water fountain

and find the perfect nook to give or receive a hand job.

Fill your hand job passport

with stamps from locations like...

behind the dumpster next to the Matterhorn.

Under the baby-changing station in Critter Country.

Or under the president's desk

in "Great Moments with Mr. Lincoln."

because as Walt Disney said...

Disneyland is the happiest place on earth...

for teenagers to jizz all over each other's young, Aryan hands.

[crow cawing ]

Presto change-o!

Ugh, I said presto change-o,

not pesto change-o!

And that's when the female starbuck

got in the shower with me. - Ooh!

But from the neck down, she was Dirk Benedict.

Ooh.

- When I woke up, I still had wood. - Ooh.

Watch me scare those nerds!

[grunting ] Munson!

Munson might be going to prison.

[gasps] Dirk Benedict!

Ow!

Where is everybody?

Hello-o-o-o?

"Don't dead, open inside."

Ha Ha! Epic typography fail.

Oh, my gosh, that's Courtney!

Aah!

Aaaaah! Oh, phew.

You're not a walker. - What? I-I'm not a what?

It means zombie without having to say "zombie."

It's just one of the little details

that makes Robert Kirkman's "The Walking Dead"

such an intelligent and original --

- Aah! - Come with me!

Apocalyptic crises tend to break down social barriers,

so it's totally likely that you and I will fall in love.

Whoa! Wait, wait, wait.

I'm all yours, boys! Aah!

Oh, dang.

What caused the zombie outbreak?

Let's consult the zombie backstory generator!

"Supervirus."

Oh, wait a minute. They all say "supervirus."

[gunshots]

Munson! Those used to be people, you monster!

Don't use them for target practice!

Wipe the crap out of your eyes, dickstain.

That's my mom's car! Knock it off!

[handcuffs click]

- Uh-oh! - Oh, come on!

[zombies growling]

All those gunshots attracted them!

We need to get out of here!

Hey, turd burglars!

Oh, yeah! The key!

[ growls ]

Hey, throw me that hacksaw!

Thanks! - Munson!

- Throw me another hacksaw. - There are no more hacksaws.

This is all we have left.

How the fuck does this help me?

How did they get out of this on "The Walking Dead"?

Well, actually, in episode three --

No, no, no, don't tell me!

I still have like a zillion episodes on my DVR!

Oh, man, I bet the show has

tons of clever tips for defeating zombies.

- We do! - BOTH: Wow!

"Walking Dead" creator Robert Kirkman!

So... can we have a tip?

Here's a tip.

Season two of "The Walking Dead"

is now available on Blu-ray and DVD!

Aah! Ow! Ow! Aah!

Oh! Wait a minute!

I never wanted to see what that looks like!

Aaah!

Uh-oh.

[grunts]

- Ew! - Gross!

[zombies sniffing]

It's like zombie camouflage.

Just keep acting like zombies -- no matter what.

Oh, hey there, Courtney!

Meeeeeeh, meeeh.

Uhhhh...

Meeeeeeeh!

Uhhhhh...

♪ [ discordant tones play] ♪

I can't believe you're gonna nail a cheerleader tonight!

I wonder if zombie boobs still feel like boobs.

- I call dibs. - Ugh.

Anyone have a Ziploc?

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk J"

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk ♪

Ba-gawk! Bawk.

Hey, everyone. I just wanna apologize for the joke about the pesto.

I had dinner with my parents the night before

and my dad made the joke about "pesto change-o!"

and then he said, "hey, you should put that into your act."

and I said, "Ha, ha, yeah."

You know, like I'm being polite.

But then my mama cornered me later

and she said it would really mean a lot to him, so I caved.

But this is my career, you know,

and you guys deserve better.

So, again, I apologize.

That was a-terrible.

I'm-a so sorry.