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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:05,039 --> 00:00:05,940 [thunder crashes] 2 00:00:06,040 --> 00:00:08,776 [laughs evilly] 3 00:00:08,876 --> 00:00:10,978 [ sawing ] 4 00:00:16,083 --> 00:00:17,985 [ electricity crackles ] 5 00:00:18,085 --> 00:00:19,887 It's alive! 6 00:00:27,294 --> 00:00:28,362 [thunder crashes] 7 00:00:28,462 --> 00:00:32,366 [laughs evilly] 8 00:00:32,466 --> 00:00:34,368 [ smooch! ] 9 00:00:34,468 --> 00:00:35,870 [laughs evilly] 10 00:00:38,172 --> 00:00:40,708 Now, "Top Chef: Sweden"! 11 00:00:40,808 --> 00:00:44,412 ALL: Bork! Bork! Bork! Bork! Bork! 12 00:00:44,512 --> 00:00:48,182 [all mumbling loudly] 13 00:00:48,282 --> 00:00:49,517 Your challenge is -- 14 00:00:49,617 --> 00:00:50,751 ALL: [muttering ] 15 00:00:50,851 --> 00:00:53,521 Your challenge -- your challenge is 16 00:00:53,621 --> 00:00:56,057 to prepare the traditional Scandinavian dish 17 00:00:56,157 --> 00:00:57,758 known as lutefisk! 18 00:00:57,858 --> 00:00:59,493 Bork! 19 00:00:59,593 --> 00:01:02,229 Step aside, dudes. Time for a shell spin! 20 00:01:02,329 --> 00:01:04,665 Whoo-hoo-hoo! Turtle power! 21 00:01:04,765 --> 00:01:06,534 [chuckles] [grunts] 22 00:01:06,634 --> 00:01:08,002 [chuckling ] Hey, hey- 23 00:01:08,102 --> 00:01:10,337 Hey, dudes, little, uh... [grunts] 24 00:01:10,438 --> 00:01:13,107 Little help here! Leo? 25 00:01:13,207 --> 00:01:15,609 Little help! 26 00:01:15,709 --> 00:01:17,678 So, Loki's like, "please have mercy!" 27 00:01:17,778 --> 00:01:19,046 and I was all, "Sorry, pal. 28 00:01:19,146 --> 00:01:20,915 Can't hear a thing in this helmet." 29 00:01:21,015 --> 00:01:23,617 Ba-da-boom! Chest-mounted unibeam, baby. 30 00:01:23,717 --> 00:01:24,552 [ laughter] 31 00:01:24,652 --> 00:01:25,786 You is the man! 32 00:01:25,886 --> 00:01:27,855 Got a story from the fight, Jolly Green? 33 00:01:27,955 --> 00:01:30,157 Well, Hulk smash. 34 00:01:30,257 --> 00:01:31,992 And Hulk smash. 35 00:01:32,093 --> 00:01:34,028 But then... Hulk smash! 36 00:01:34,128 --> 00:01:36,163 No freaking way, man! 37 00:01:36,263 --> 00:01:38,299 - Swearsies. - [ laughter] 38 00:01:38,399 --> 00:01:40,935 Okay, well, okay, so, I-l kicked this guy, 39 00:01:41,035 --> 00:01:42,770 and I shot him with my pistols. 40 00:01:42,870 --> 00:01:45,606 And it turns out that he was, uh, bulletproof 41 00:01:45,706 --> 00:01:47,908 and also kick-proof. 42 00:01:48,008 --> 00:01:50,578 Oh, God! I'm, like, the lamest one on this team! 43 00:01:50,678 --> 00:01:54,815 I don't even know why you guys keep me around. 44 00:01:54,915 --> 00:01:58,319 Ohhhh, yeah. 45 00:02:00,321 --> 00:02:03,524 ♪ Baby, baby, baby, baby ♪ 46 00:02:03,624 --> 00:02:06,861 [gasps] 47 00:02:06,961 --> 00:02:08,129 ♪ Mm ♪ 48 00:02:08,229 --> 00:02:09,263 Don't talk like that. 49 00:02:09,363 --> 00:02:11,265 You're a critical component of this team. 50 00:02:11,365 --> 00:02:12,700 Right, fellas? - Absolutely, uh-huh. 51 00:02:12,800 --> 00:02:13,601 Yeah. Sure. 52 00:02:13,701 --> 00:02:15,836 I guess whoever we fight next better watch out 53 00:02:15,936 --> 00:02:17,805 for the Black Widow, huh?! 54 00:02:17,905 --> 00:02:19,006 ALL: Yeah! 55 00:02:19,106 --> 00:02:20,307 Black Widow's gone now, 56 00:02:20,407 --> 00:02:22,309 but she leaves behind the gift of knowledge -- 57 00:02:22,409 --> 00:02:23,744 the knowledge that you cannot 58 00:02:23,844 --> 00:02:26,580 defeat Demogorge the God-Eater 59 00:02:26,680 --> 00:02:27,915 with a karate kick. 60 00:02:28,015 --> 00:02:29,984 But I almost got him with my arrows. 61 00:02:30,084 --> 00:02:32,119 Right -- right, guys? 62 00:02:32,219 --> 00:02:34,188 [sobs] What am I saying?! 63 00:02:34,288 --> 00:02:37,858 I don't even know why you guys keep me around! 64 00:02:37,958 --> 00:02:41,562 ♪ Ooh, ooh, oh, oh, oh ♪ 65 00:02:44,532 --> 00:02:49,937 Ohhh, yeah. 66 00:02:50,037 --> 00:02:52,072 ANNOUNCER: Next Thursday on NBS... 67 00:02:52,173 --> 00:02:54,041 Flatline! We're losing him! 68 00:02:54,141 --> 00:02:55,609 O-o-o-ouch! 69 00:02:55,709 --> 00:02:57,478 ...a suicide victim will be saved... 70 00:02:57,578 --> 00:02:59,680 -[gasps] - Hooray! He's alive! 71 00:02:59,780 --> 00:03:01,048 Damn it! I'm alive! 72 00:03:01,148 --> 00:03:05,186 ...by the hospital's most talented physician. 73 00:03:05,286 --> 00:03:08,255 But when Dr. E. T.'s old demons come back to haunt him... 74 00:03:08,355 --> 00:03:10,524 I'll put it ri-i-i-ght here. 75 00:03:10,624 --> 00:03:12,927 Hey, prick, that's my girlfriend! 76 00:03:13,027 --> 00:03:15,229 Step off. 77 00:03:15,329 --> 00:03:16,330 O-o-ouch! 78 00:03:16,430 --> 00:03:18,732 ...he'll face his greatest challenge yet. 79 00:03:18,832 --> 00:03:21,135 He's dying. You have to do something! 80 00:03:21,235 --> 00:03:22,303 Doctor?! 81 00:03:22,403 --> 00:03:25,139 I'll be ri-i-i-i-ght back. 82 00:03:25,239 --> 00:03:26,574 [ Metal clatters, door closes ] 83 00:03:26,674 --> 00:03:28,976 - MAN: Hey, that's my bike! - E.T.: Step off, bro. 84 00:03:29,076 --> 00:03:34,014 [bicycle bell clinging] 85 00:03:34,114 --> 00:03:37,618 Thursday on an all-new E.T. -- Emergency Terrestrial. ” 86 00:03:37,718 --> 00:03:40,154 [ laughing ] Yeah! Bachelor party! 87 00:03:40,254 --> 00:03:43,924 I'm buying you a lap dance, buddy! 88 00:03:44,024 --> 00:03:45,492 [bell above door jingles] 89 00:03:45,593 --> 00:03:46,894 You wait right there, Harry. 90 00:03:46,994 --> 00:03:49,797 I'm gonna change into something more comfortable. 91 00:03:49,897 --> 00:03:51,999 Dongus stoutus! 92 00:03:52,099 --> 00:03:54,201 [sighs] Oh, come on. 93 00:03:54,301 --> 00:03:56,170 Uh, beef us girthus? 94 00:03:56,270 --> 00:03:57,638 Poleus maximus? 95 00:03:57,738 --> 00:03:59,373 Aaaaaah! 96 00:03:59,473 --> 00:04:02,910 [cellphone vibrates] 97 00:04:03,010 --> 00:04:06,580 [cellphone bloops] 98 00:04:09,950 --> 00:04:13,554 Stalkus minimus! Stalkus minimus! Stalkus minimus! 99 00:04:13,654 --> 00:04:16,390 Now let me see what the famous Harry Potter's packing. 100 00:04:16,490 --> 00:04:17,925 [ Chuckles ] 101 00:04:18,025 --> 00:04:19,760 [gasps] Why do you have a vadge? 102 00:04:22,296 --> 00:04:27,635 ♪ [video game music] ♪ 103 00:04:27,735 --> 00:04:29,203 [ sproing! sproing! sproing!] 104 00:04:29,303 --> 00:04:32,506 I-Is he gone? Oh, phew! 105 00:04:32,606 --> 00:04:34,275 Dude's a fucking stalker. 106 00:04:34,375 --> 00:04:35,909 [gasps] The royal family! 107 00:04:36,010 --> 00:04:37,244 They're coming our way! 108 00:04:37,344 --> 00:04:39,480 Ohh, aren't they just adorable? 109 00:04:39,580 --> 00:04:41,815 Greatest... moment... of my life. 110 00:04:41,915 --> 00:04:44,351 Oh, and I've been totally needing a new bra. 111 00:04:44,451 --> 00:04:45,619 What are you -- aah! 112 00:04:45,719 --> 00:04:47,021 BOTH: Aaaaah! 113 00:04:47,121 --> 00:04:48,188 [gasps] I want one! 114 00:04:48,289 --> 00:04:49,323 Mommy! Daddy! 115 00:04:49,423 --> 00:04:50,291 [ Snaps! ] 116 00:04:50,391 --> 00:04:52,226 Check it out -- pasties! 117 00:04:52,326 --> 00:04:54,828 Aaaagh! 118 00:04:54,928 --> 00:04:56,397 [gagging] 119 00:04:56,497 --> 00:04:59,733 Now, girls, remember, we're only here to browse. 120 00:04:59,833 --> 00:05:02,770 [whining ] Daddy, no! I want them! 121 00:05:02,870 --> 00:05:04,171 You heard me! Let's go! 122 00:05:04,271 --> 00:05:05,806 [ crying ] This is so unfair. 123 00:05:05,906 --> 00:05:07,808 It's like he doesn't even care how cruel he is! 124 00:05:07,908 --> 00:05:08,876 [sighs] 125 00:05:08,976 --> 00:05:10,411 [choking ] 126 00:05:10,511 --> 00:05:11,478 [coughs] 127 00:05:11,578 --> 00:05:13,947 Godzilla has left the nation in ruins! 128 00:05:14,048 --> 00:05:17,184 Oh, no! California's most treasured landmark! 129 00:05:17,284 --> 00:05:19,987 Oh, no! California's most treasured landmark 130 00:05:20,087 --> 00:05:22,489 despite what those a-holes down in Los Angeles think. 131 00:05:22,589 --> 00:05:24,525 Godzilla is pulling some hot stripper-pole action 132 00:05:24,625 --> 00:05:26,026 on the Sears Tower or whatever the fuck 133 00:05:26,126 --> 00:05:27,261 we call it these days. 134 00:05:27,361 --> 00:05:28,896 What is it? Wil-- Willis Tower? 135 00:05:28,996 --> 00:05:30,631 I'm hearing Willis Tower. 136 00:05:30,731 --> 00:05:32,399 And after destroying Manhattan, 137 00:05:32,499 --> 00:05:35,569 Godzilla is finally headed back out to sea. 138 00:05:35,669 --> 00:05:38,305 Oh! Total dick move by Godzilla. 139 00:05:38,405 --> 00:05:39,840 Nowhere near water is safe! 140 00:05:39,940 --> 00:05:42,710 It has never been a better time to be a landlocked state. 141 00:05:42,810 --> 00:05:45,346 Tourism here in Des Moines is through the roof! 142 00:05:45,446 --> 00:05:46,847 We're all rich! 143 00:05:46,947 --> 00:05:47,815 [cheers and applause] [dialing ] 144 00:05:47,915 --> 00:05:49,883 This is the mayor's assistant, Mr. G. 145 00:05:49,983 --> 00:05:52,152 Your check is in the mail. 146 00:05:52,252 --> 00:05:55,155 Ha ha ha ha! 147 00:05:55,255 --> 00:05:58,592 Oh, how the hell am I supposed to cash this? 148 00:05:58,692 --> 00:06:00,461 Disneyland is a magical place 149 00:06:00,561 --> 00:06:02,396 that's fun for the whole family. 150 00:06:02,496 --> 00:06:03,864 Even teenagers. 151 00:06:03,964 --> 00:06:05,199 Because at Disneyland, 152 00:06:05,299 --> 00:06:06,834 there are dozens of secret places 153 00:06:06,934 --> 00:06:09,370 for young people to give each other hand jobs. 154 00:06:09,470 --> 00:06:12,373 Come ride "The Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh." 155 00:06:12,473 --> 00:06:15,342 And when you exit, make a left at the water fountain 156 00:06:15,442 --> 00:06:18,645 and find the perfect nook to give or receive a hand job. 157 00:06:18,746 --> 00:06:20,314 Fill your hand job passport 158 00:06:20,414 --> 00:06:22,249 with stamps from locations like... 159 00:06:22,349 --> 00:06:24,952 behind the dumpster next to the Matterhorn. 160 00:06:25,052 --> 00:06:28,322 Under the baby-changing station in Critter Country. 161 00:06:28,422 --> 00:06:30,190 Or under the president's desk 162 00:06:30,290 --> 00:06:33,060 in "Great Moments with Mr. Lincoln." 163 00:06:33,160 --> 00:06:34,795 because as Walt Disney said... 164 00:06:34,895 --> 00:06:37,598 Disneyland is the happiest place on earth... 165 00:06:37,698 --> 00:06:41,668 for teenagers to jizz all over each other's young, Aryan hands. 166 00:06:41,769 --> 00:06:46,173 [crow cawing ] 167 00:06:46,273 --> 00:06:49,176 Presto change-o! 168 00:06:49,276 --> 00:06:51,879 Ugh, I said presto change-o, 169 00:06:51,979 --> 00:06:54,982 not pesto change-o! 170 00:06:55,082 --> 00:06:56,784 And that's when the female starbuck 171 00:06:56,884 --> 00:06:58,952 got in the shower with me. - Ooh! 172 00:06:59,052 --> 00:07:01,355 But from the neck down, she was Dirk Benedict. 173 00:07:01,455 --> 00:07:02,423 Ooh. 174 00:07:02,523 --> 00:07:05,092 - When I woke up, I still had wood. - Ooh. 175 00:07:05,192 --> 00:07:07,961 Watch me scare those nerds! 176 00:07:08,061 --> 00:07:11,331 [grunting ] Munson! 177 00:07:11,432 --> 00:07:14,535 Munson might be going to prison. 178 00:07:14,635 --> 00:07:16,336 [gasps] Dirk Benedict! 179 00:07:16,437 --> 00:07:18,806 Ow! 180 00:07:18,906 --> 00:07:20,741 Where is everybody? 181 00:07:20,841 --> 00:07:22,643 Hello-o-o-o? 182 00:07:22,743 --> 00:07:25,279 "Don't dead, open inside." 183 00:07:25,379 --> 00:07:29,049 Ha Ha! Epic typography fail. 184 00:07:29,149 --> 00:07:32,786 Oh, my gosh, that's Courtney! 185 00:07:32,886 --> 00:07:34,054 Aah! 186 00:07:34,154 --> 00:07:35,689 Aaaaah! Oh, phew. 187 00:07:35,789 --> 00:07:38,225 You're not a walker. - What? I-I'm not a what? 188 00:07:38,325 --> 00:07:40,561 It means zombie without having to say "zombie." 189 00:07:40,661 --> 00:07:42,396 It's just one of the little details 190 00:07:42,496 --> 00:07:44,398 that makes Robert Kirkman's "The Walking Dead" 191 00:07:44,498 --> 00:07:46,099 such an intelligent and original -- 192 00:07:46,200 --> 00:07:47,501 - Aah! - Come with me! 193 00:07:47,601 --> 00:07:49,903 Apocalyptic crises tend to break down social barriers, 194 00:07:50,003 --> 00:07:52,539 so it's totally likely that you and I will fall in love. 195 00:07:52,639 --> 00:07:55,142 Whoa! Wait, wait, wait. 196 00:07:55,242 --> 00:07:57,411 I'm all yours, boys! Aah! 197 00:07:57,511 --> 00:07:59,146 Oh, dang. 198 00:07:59,246 --> 00:08:01,315 What caused the zombie outbreak? 199 00:08:01,415 --> 00:08:04,718 Let's consult the zombie backstory generator! 200 00:08:04,818 --> 00:08:05,953 "Supervirus." 201 00:08:06,053 --> 00:08:08,555 Oh, wait a minute. They all say "supervirus." 202 00:08:08,655 --> 00:08:09,890 [gunshots] 203 00:08:09,990 --> 00:08:12,459 Munson! Those used to be people, you monster! 204 00:08:12,559 --> 00:08:14,161 Don't use them for target practice! 205 00:08:14,261 --> 00:08:17,631 Wipe the crap out of your eyes, dickstain. 206 00:08:17,731 --> 00:08:20,000 That's my mom's car! Knock it off! 207 00:08:20,100 --> 00:08:20,901 [handcuffs click] 208 00:08:21,001 --> 00:08:24,204 - Uh-oh! - Oh, come on! 209 00:08:24,304 --> 00:08:25,339 [zombies growling] 210 00:08:25,439 --> 00:08:27,441 All those gunshots attracted them! 211 00:08:27,541 --> 00:08:28,442 We need to get out of here! 212 00:08:28,542 --> 00:08:29,877 Hey, turd burglars! 213 00:08:29,977 --> 00:08:32,145 Oh, yeah! The key! 214 00:08:32,246 --> 00:08:34,681 [ growls ] 215 00:08:34,781 --> 00:08:37,117 Hey, throw me that hacksaw! 216 00:08:37,217 --> 00:08:39,720 Thanks! - Munson! 217 00:08:39,820 --> 00:08:42,256 - Throw me another hacksaw. - There are no more hacksaws. 218 00:08:42,356 --> 00:08:43,624 This is all we have left. 219 00:08:43,724 --> 00:08:47,361 How the fuck does this help me? 220 00:08:47,461 --> 00:08:49,296 How did they get out of this on "The Walking Dead"? 221 00:08:49,396 --> 00:08:51,098 Well, actually, in episode three -- 222 00:08:51,198 --> 00:08:52,432 No, no, no, don't tell me! 223 00:08:52,533 --> 00:08:55,335 I still have like a zillion episodes on my DVR! 224 00:08:55,435 --> 00:08:56,770 Oh, man, I bet the show has 225 00:08:56,870 --> 00:08:58,839 tons of clever tips for defeating zombies. 226 00:08:58,939 --> 00:09:00,874 - We do! - BOTH: Wow! 227 00:09:00,974 --> 00:09:04,978 "Walking Dead" creator Robert Kirkman! 228 00:09:05,078 --> 00:09:07,714 So... can we have a tip? 229 00:09:07,814 --> 00:09:08,882 Here's a tip. 230 00:09:08,982 --> 00:09:10,450 Season two of "The Walking Dead" 231 00:09:10,551 --> 00:09:12,786 is now available on Blu-ray and DVD! 232 00:09:12,886 --> 00:09:14,521 Aah! Ow! Ow! Aah! 233 00:09:14,621 --> 00:09:16,356 Oh! Wait a minute! 234 00:09:16,456 --> 00:09:18,592 I never wanted to see what that looks like! 235 00:09:18,692 --> 00:09:20,227 Aaah! 236 00:09:20,327 --> 00:09:21,828 Uh-oh. 237 00:09:21,929 --> 00:09:24,231 [grunts] 238 00:09:24,331 --> 00:09:26,166 - Ew! - Gross! 239 00:09:26,266 --> 00:09:27,634 [zombies sniffing] 240 00:09:27,734 --> 00:09:30,370 It's like zombie camouflage. 241 00:09:30,470 --> 00:09:33,140 Just keep acting like zombies -- no matter what. 242 00:09:33,240 --> 00:09:35,175 Oh, hey there, Courtney! 243 00:09:35,275 --> 00:09:37,511 Meeeeeeh, meeeh. 244 00:09:37,611 --> 00:09:40,414 Uhhhh... 245 00:09:40,514 --> 00:09:42,416 Meeeeeeeh! 246 00:09:42,516 --> 00:09:48,155 Uhhhhh... 247 00:09:48,255 --> 00:09:52,159 ♪ [ discordant tones play] ♪ 248 00:09:52,259 --> 00:09:55,329 I can't believe you're gonna nail a cheerleader tonight! 249 00:09:55,429 --> 00:09:59,933 I wonder if zombie boobs still feel like boobs. 250 00:10:00,033 --> 00:10:02,402 - I call dibs. - Ugh. 251 00:10:02,502 --> 00:10:04,304 Anyone have a Ziploc? 252 00:10:04,671 --> 00:10:05,505 ♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪ 253 00:10:05,606 --> 00:10:06,673 ♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪ 254 00:10:06,773 --> 00:10:08,809 ♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk ♪ 255 00:10:08,909 --> 00:10:09,943 ♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪ 256 00:10:10,043 --> 00:10:10,944 ♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk J" 257 00:10:11,044 --> 00:10:13,113 ♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk ♪ 258 00:10:13,213 --> 00:10:14,181 ♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪ 259 00:10:14,281 --> 00:10:15,248 ♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪ 260 00:10:15,349 --> 00:10:17,451 ♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk ♪ 261 00:10:17,551 --> 00:10:21,455 Ba-gawk! Bawk. 262 00:10:21,555 --> 00:10:24,658 Hey, everyone. I just wanna apologize for the joke about the pesto. 263 00:10:24,758 --> 00:10:26,994 I had dinner with my parents the night before 264 00:10:27,094 --> 00:10:29,229 and my dad made the joke about "pesto change-o!" 265 00:10:29,329 --> 00:10:31,498 and then he said, "hey, you should put that into your act." 266 00:10:31,598 --> 00:10:32,733 and I said, "Ha, ha, yeah." 267 00:10:32,833 --> 00:10:34,201 You know, like I'm being polite. 268 00:10:34,301 --> 00:10:35,636 But then my mama cornered me later 269 00:10:35,736 --> 00:10:38,271 and she said it would really mean a lot to him, so I caved. 270 00:10:38,372 --> 00:10:40,007 But this is my career, you know, 271 00:10:40,107 --> 00:10:41,308 and you guys deserve better. 272 00:10:41,408 --> 00:10:43,243 So, again, I apologize. 273 00:10:43,343 --> 00:10:44,978 That was a-terrible. 274 00:10:45,078 --> 00:10:46,980 I'm-a so sorry. 18898

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