Original subtitles

[thunder crashes]

[laughs evilly]

[ sawing ]

[ electricity crackles ]

It's alive!

[thunder crashes]

[laughs evilly]

[ smooch! ]

[laughs evilly]

Prime, we have to get these people to a hospital now.

Put them in my trailer.

- Prime? - Wait, it should be here.

MAN: Is that your pager? What's going on?

Ugh, it's this guy I hook up with sometimes.

Whenever he calls, he thinks I have to drop

whatever I'm doing and run to him.

Well, not this time. Mm. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, grab my axle. Yeah, open my cargo door.

Yeah. Mm.

Trailer!

Why do I even pay for that pager

if she's not going to use it?

Oh, my gosh. This is so crazy.

This is gonna be -- oh, shh. Shh. Shh.

- Hey, what are you -- Get off my lawn!

[ laughs ] Suck it, Apache chief!

[tires screech ]

[grunts]

Well, guess this is happening.

Inuk chuk!

[grunts]

[ Splat! ]

Ahh...

♪ [suspenseful music plays] ♪

We're just not ready to go into production.

We need more tests.

Guys, guys, we're not re-inventing the wheel here.

We're not? Well, then, what the hell did I do this for?

Dad, do you ever get that not-so-fresh feeling?

You mean from the collection of smegma

around the head of my uncircumcised penis?

- What the hell? No! - Well, it's natural, son.

Smegma's the build-up of fatty deposits

given off by skin cells.

Oh, Dad, stop. I'm gonna puke.

Which congeal around the penis glans, like, well...

cottage cheese.

What the fuck is wrong with you?

That's why I use "Smeg-Away."

Dad, I meant feeling fresh and awake in the morning.

I'm having trouble getting up in the morning.

Oh.

Well, Smeg-Away is not gonna help with that.

I know!

You better not tell anyone about my smelly dick!

Meet Genghis Khan,

a righteous dude from the 12th century.

This dude can party righteously.

All in all, Genghis Khan was a righteous dude.

MAN: Genghis Khan killed 40 million people.

Uh, I -- okay.

He's got a sword, and he's really good with it,

you know, like "chop chop."

He raped thousands of women.

6% of Mongolians are his direct descendants

because of all the rape.

Uh, is this, like, gonna affect our grade?

You basically went back in time to pound beers with Hitler.

[audience boos] - Uh, okay.

Let's bring out our next guest.

Dude, dude, unh-unh.

Oh, those pricks are not bumping me.

This will teach you a lesson

about how much work having a baby really is.

Hey, look.

[ Splat! ]

And there's your

Tummi, sit down.

We're all here to talk about your drinking.

An intervention? You got to be kidding.

We all drink gummiberry juice.

Only to fight ogres -- not whenever we feel like it.

Look how big your gummibelly has gotten.

L-Last week, Tummi convinced me to juice with him

in the middle of the night.

Ohh.

He got so hopped up that he bounced all over me.

He popped my berry.

- Why, you son of a bitch! - Hey, hey, hey, hey.

I thought we could help you, Tummi, but you're sick.

Why? Because I want to bang Sunni?

As far as know, none of us are related.

[all gasp]

Wait, are we not related?

Well, we're not technically related,

but we are like a family. - What -- what the fuck?

Then why haven't we all been boning this entire time?

Our species is going extinct.

Get ahold of yourself, Grammi. We're still basically family.

And I basically haven't been touched in 20 years.

My cobwebs need dusting.

Get to it.

Hya-- oh, wait a minute. What did you just say'?

What's that?

It's look like Blue left us another clue.

What is it? - KIDS: A shotgun!

You're right. The third clue is a shotgun.

So, we have a set of teeth,

a squirrel foaming at the mouth,

and now a shotgun.

Hmm. I've got it.

Blue was bitten by a rabid squirrel,

and now he's begging for a mercy killing.

Hey, there, Blue. - Bark! Bark!

I've heard your cry for help.

You boys and girls saw the clues,

so you know this has nothing to do with rumors

that Blue wants to replace me with some

spotlight-stealing son of a bitch named Joe.

[gun cocks]

[ growls ]

[ Barks]

[muttering ]

Mommy, I have to go to the bathroom.

- Number one or number two? - Number three!

Oh, he just wants attention.

Billy, there's no such thing as number --

[sneezes] [farts ]

Finally home to my perfect suburban paradise.

[ Horn honks]

Hey, neighbor, beautiful day, huh?

Ugh! Hi, Earl.

I see you still have your satellite dishes up.

Yeppers.

Of course, there's no point now that the cable's in,

but they sure look slick, don't they?

And the propeller -- any idea when that will come down?

[ Chuckles ]

Like I can just remove a load-bearing propeller?

Earl, dinner time.

Billy-Boy, that's my cue. See you later.

Argh!

[grunting ] Yeah, yeah, no.

WOMAN: Ow, you're overthinking.

Just put the knob in the hollow end.

I know. Just -- Oh, forget it.

Come on. Bill, what's got you so distracted?

Nothing. Leave me alone.

Fine. I don't know why I work so hard to keep up this body

if you never wanna touch me.

[groans]

Okay, love of my life, I'm off to work.

Bill! What are you doing!

Your house, Earl. It's got to go.

Sir, I repeat. Get out of the bulldozer.

Green brick, red brick, yellow brick --

it's all coming down!

[gunfire]

Calm down, everyone. It's over now.

Uh, chief, you should take a look at this.

[all gasp]

Oh, my gosh, it's heads -- people's heads!

Uh, so, you know... [laughs nervously]

What... you...

[gunfire]

That's where all the head pieces went?

I've been trying to find -- Scotty, you idiot!

What? It looks cool.

Uh, sir, just so we're clear,

"The Angry Beavers" is a kids' cartoon.

NARRATOR: Look at this beautiful nature.

Let's all go cross-country skiing.

[wolf roars ] Oh, no -- a Wolf.

Put away your skis.

Wolves -- their main ingredients are legs for speed,

jaws for killing, and brains to control

the legs and jaws.

Say, let's get rid of all the wolves.

There's no downside.

The upside is cross-country skiing.

Save the wolves, man.

You'd better clarify that point, and right now.

Wolves control the deer population.

If wolves go extinct, deer would run amok.

Deer contain delicious steaks.

You're saying you prefer fewer steaks

instead of more steaks?

Well, then the deer have nowhere to go.

They'll be forced into urban environments.

You're telling me good news as if it's bad news.

The homeless can hunt them for food.

Are you telling me you want armed homeless

roaming the streets? Aah!

Those homeless people are just gonna pawn those weapons

so they can buy drugs.

That's Why one in every 70 deer will be a golden-ticket deer,

filled with a cache of drugs.

So, our choice is, either the existence of wolves

or armed homeless people

hunting crack-cocaine-implanted deer?

Aah!

Sounds like an easy choice to me.

[ sighs ] Then again, I'm just an innocent voice-over announcer.

I have no dog in this fight --

no, none whatsoever.

[ding!]

And for you, Scarecrow, a brain.

DeVry University?

If you wanna call me an asshole, do it to my face.

You're an asshole.

Stick around, Scotty.

I might need to lay down a... Captain's log.

Gross, sir.

Aah, that's a class-four piss hydra from hell.

I should... probably get that looked at.

You have stage-three space herpes, Jim.

Have you been having sex with the aliens we've discovered?

There wasn't much sleeping going on.

Wait. You said "having sex."

Too bad -- that would have been funny.

Damn it, Jim. What about the prime directive?

Did I forget to tell you about the prime directive,

big guy? [ laughs ]

Oh, wow, I'm getting some vibrant colors down there.

[sniffs] Ohh, that is... ripe.

You've been spreading a virulent STD

across the entire galaxy.

I... have a lot to put right.

Then again, we live in the 23rd century.

Problem solved. - Damn it, Jim.

You've gotta notify every alien you slept with

in the past five years.

Captain's log.

Stardate -- I'm not talking to bones anymore.

He's a real... buzzkill.

Relax, it's not like it's space AIDS.

Scotty, here are the coordinates

of every place my Wang made contact.

[gasps] Me mother's house?

I wouldn't kiss her on the mouth from now on.

Or the butt.

You want to slide those knobs there,

or you want me to keep going?

So, the chances are slim,

but I'd get tested just to be safe.

I'm just a slave.

The fact that you took the time to tell me really touches my heart.

Just like you... touched mine.

Hey, I heard that. Chuck, this one's got a bug.

Throw her in the incinerator.

So, remember that... game I taught you --

the... naked game?

You never told me who won.

We both lost.

Hello, the gorn.

I know we promised never to talk about our epic battle

and how our hands, clenched in anger,

found themselves intertwined in passion,

but I might have given you... herpes.

No shit.

[grunts]

[grunts] Oh. Oh.

Really. Yeah.

Damn it, Jim. Keep it in your pants.

Bones, you're a doctor, not my mom.

Everyone's been notified, so no harm, no foul.

Scotty's parents are getting a divorce.

Yes, it's all tied up in a nice little bow,

except for one thing.

Who gave the herpes... to me?

Hey, man. We got to talk.

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk ♪

Ba-gawk! Bawk.