Original subtitles

[thunder crashes]

[laughs evilly]

[ sawing ]

[ electricity crackles ]

It's alive!

[thunder crashes]

[laughs evilly]

[ smooch! ]

[laughs evilly]

Are you telling me it's a world without cars?

Cars are banned, thanks to Obama.

[tires squeal]

ANNOUNCER: ...from award-winning visionary director Justin Lin...

[grunts]

...and the worst screenwriter in the history of movies...

Oh!

[bicycle bell dings]

It's on.

That would be a good line to put at the end of a trailer.

Yeah, clearly.

For sure.

Polly, are you ready to get rid of your accessories?

Because that's what they are --

Accessories, not love.

Y-Yes.

Oh, I don't know if you and a camera crew

are gonna be able to cure me in a single afternoon.

It's a freak show either way, Polly.

Oh. [chuckles]

[sighing ] Oh, well, that was sex.

[exhales sharply] I feel so close to you.

I want you to know the truth about me.

I'm not only Jem.

I'm also...

[twinkle! ]

...Jerrica Benton.

Uh... that's great.

How about switching back over to Jem?

Thanks. Not big on Jerrica.

No! Wilson!

[sobs]

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Don't try to move.

You're still very weak. Tell me -- who are you?

[ Buoy rings]

Oh. You've lost your memory.

Wait! Wait, my friend! We can help you!

Hey, you bum! No loitering in the park.

Come on. Let's see some I.D.

Stand down, or I'll use force!

Ow!

All units -- we have a fleeing suspect

who's just attacked an officer.

Aah! Oh! Don't hurt me!

I'll take you wherever you need to go!

[engine turns over]

Why are the police after you?

[sirens wail]

Oh, you're right. I do talk too much.

[tires squeal]

I can't lose them.

Take the wheel!

[water splashes]

Stop! Ah! They're getting away!

You did it. You're amazing.

Oh fuck you cops! I've never felt so alive.

[grunts]

This is my brother's place,

but he's on vacation right now.

[ Screams ]

Save us!

[grunts]

I got it. I got it!

Oh, get it off me!

Get it off me!

Stay back! Stay back! Stay back!

[ Screams ]

Look out!

Everyone thought you were dead.

I love you, but I have a family now.

Ow! [ grunts ]

Wilson!

I thought I'd lost you forever!

Did you just hit me in the face?

I am calling the cops!

Ow.

[ Distorted ] No witnesses.

No witnesses.

[gasps]

[wind blows ]

♪ [ "Benny Hill" music plays] ♪

[metal clanks]

Aah! My dog!

Perseus!

Hey!

[ Screams ]

[ Screams ]

- Make us proud, Sabib. - I will!

Guys! Guys! The western dogs! [spits]

They're pulling their military bases from our soil!

We won! We did it! We did it!

That is a close one!

Oh, yeah. Sorry, Sabib.

There's no way to remove the vest.

What?

Hey guys, you're all coming to my super bowl party, right?

Oh, yeah!

Hey, what kind of chips should I bring?

Cool Ranch or --

Ooh, sorry, Sabib, my wife kinda doesn't want

your suicide vest around the kids.

But... that's not fair!

I was prepared to martyr myself for the good of us all!

So, my wife's a bitch? Is that what you're saying?

No! I-I...

[sighs]

Bro, your wife is a bitch.

"Avengers 2" is sold out.

Plenty of tickets left for the movie

where Kevin James gets pregnant, though.

[sighs]

My water's breaking!

[ Water splashes]

It is in your power to end this.

We'll do it together.

Ladies and gentlemen,

the greatest super-weapon ever created!

I give you Astro Boy!

[ crowd gaspes ]

You know what would have made a greater super-weapon?

A full-grown man robot with a fucking shirt,

you sick son of a bitch!

Shall I show him my cannon, sir?

Uh, no, no, no, no, no.

[doorbell rings]

"I am required by law to notify you

that I am a registered s-sex offender."

Hi, there. May I help you with anything today?

Yeah, I'm looking for a lotion

that'll really soften up human skin.

Well, our signature series uses sea-kelp extract.

Here! Try it out! - Oh, that is nice.

Urn, is there a gift with purchase?

If you buy the whole set, it comes in this cute basket!

I do need a basket.

Put the lotion in the basket.

I'm taking the set. - Excellent!

And your total is $635.

Yikes. That is pricy.

Well, you pay for quality.

I guess you can't put a price on beautiful human skin.

[ Both laugh ]

True.

No! Please, mister! Let me go!

It puts the moisturizer, refining serum

and body buffer on its skin,

or else it gets the hose again.

Oh -- wow! Crème de la Mer?

This stuff's insanely expensive.

You're telling me, but obviously,

people are willing to pay.

Guilty as charged.

[ Both laugh ]

Seriously, put the fucking lotion on your skin.

- Who is she? - What does she want?

Ooh! Oh, dear. Oh, my!

It's -- it's $10 each or $100 for all at once.

Well, that sounds perfectly reasonable.

Mr. Gargamel, how do you plead

to the charges of kidnapping, murder,

and consumption of 182 smurfs?

Guilty, your honor.

They were delicious.

Then you are hereby sentenced to 50 years

for racially motivated hate crimes.

Whoa, whoa, whoa! I'm not racist!

All I was trying to do was

round up every last smurf on Earth

and eradicate their entire species.

You just gave the textbook definition of genocide.

Whoops.

So, me and Hitler, then. Hmm.

Why would a contractor need glow-in-the-dark paint?

I wonder if this has to do with the glowing ghost?

[sighs]

I put my parents $100,000 in debt

for that Criminal Science degree.

I need to rethink my life. - SHAGGY: Zoinks!

[ gasps ] Shaggy!

Oh!

Oh, my glasses.

Oh! Jinkies!

G-G-G-Glowing ghost! Ohh!

- Velma! - Oh, my God.

GHOST: [gags]

Oh, I just puked right in my fucking mask!

Velma faces 12 to 18 months of physical therapy

with no insurance.

While she's on that fun journey,

we need someone to fill her role.

Like, dude, me and Scoob already put an ad on craigslist.

Reah! Raigs-rist!

[ laughs ] Like, here she is now!

[engine revs]

[tires screech ]

I am Lisbeth Salander.

I know we need a team nerd,

but do they always have to be such boner killers?

♪ Ba-da-da, ba ♪

Hey, Lisbeth! I really like your, uh...

[ thinking] Hair, eyebrows, makeup,

piercings, tattoos, outfit,

hygiene, manners, smile, accent...

Hey, Fred, turn up the radio.

The owner of this amusement park says

a ghost is scaring away all his customers.

My plan is we split up.

- You are incompetent. - Huh?

The owner of this park is bankrupt.

These are his financial records.

Don't implicate me in whatever you're doing.

Lots of honest people file Chapter 11, Lisbeth.

Here are his personal e-mails.

He has $50,000 in gambling debts.

While gambling is a deplorable vice --

Here are receipts for a ghost costume,

a one-way ticket to Brazil, and 12 drums of acetone --

the most common arson accelerant.

He is planning to burn the park for the insurance money,

blame it on a ghost, and flee the country.

[ Blink! ]

I say we split up.

- [ Moans] - Look out!

- Zoinks! - Ruh-roh!

That is Phillip W. Anderson, the president and C.E.O. of this --

Like, run!

You wear too much purple.

I know! It matches my eyes.

The only humans with naturally purple eyes are albinos.

Fine! They're contacts. God!

You think you know everything, huh?

You think you're so cool.

You know, you're not the only one with a bad-ass tattoo.

I think a tumbleweed just blew through my vagina.

I know! It sucks! Fred sucks!

I have the worst boyfriend in the world!

Maybe you could try handcuffing him to your bed.

Oh, I guess that could spice things up.

Yes! And then sodomize him

with a stainless-steel revenge dildo!

[ both grunting ]

Oh! So that's how these girls play.

[Zipl] Ohh.

This whole park smells like sex all of a sudden,

and I get stuck with a four-legged tang repellant.

Rang re-rellent? Ray-re rit's rhe roul ratch.

Did you just diss the soul patch?

- Rit's rhe rhost! - Like, zoinks!

[ laughs ]

[grunts]

Look! It was the amusement park owner after all!

Imbecile.

We actually solved the mystery without Velma.

And without a tacked-on car chase and explosion,

unlike "The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo."

Ohh! Thanks for the critique, guys.

ALL: Stieg Larsson, author of

"The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo"?!

Maybe I would have done a second draft

if I hadn't died of a fucking heart attack!

Like, hey, old dude.

Did you lose a contact lens?

I just took a hammer to the skull.

I think my fucking retina flew off.

[all laugh 1

Rooby-rooby-rod!

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk J“

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk ♪

Ba-gawk! Bawk.