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1
00:00:05,039 --> 00:00:05,940
[thunder crashes]
2
00:00:06,040 --> 00:00:08,776
[laughs evilly]
3
00:00:08,876 --> 00:00:10,978
[ sawing ]
4
00:00:16,083 --> 00:00:17,985
[ electricity crackles ]
5
00:00:18,085 --> 00:00:19,887
It's alive!
6
00:00:27,294 --> 00:00:28,362
[thunder crashes]
7
00:00:28,462 --> 00:00:32,366
[laughs evilly]
8
00:00:32,466 --> 00:00:34,368
[ smooch! ]
9
00:00:34,468 --> 00:00:35,870
[laughs evilly]
10
00:00:42,176 --> 00:00:45,913
Are you telling me
it's a world without cars?
11
00:00:46,013 --> 00:00:49,250
Cars are banned,
thanks to Obama.
12
00:00:52,119 --> 00:00:53,054
[tires squeal]
13
00:00:53,154 --> 00:00:56,924
ANNOUNCER:
...from award-winning visionary director Justin Lin...
14
00:00:57,024 --> 00:00:57,992
[grunts]
15
00:00:58,092 --> 00:01:00,694
...and the worst screenwriter
in the history of movies...
16
00:01:00,795 --> 00:01:01,862
Oh!
17
00:01:03,464 --> 00:01:05,666
[bicycle bell dings]
18
00:01:11,472 --> 00:01:12,306
It's on.
19
00:01:12,406 --> 00:01:15,943
That would be a good line to put
at the end of a trailer.
20
00:01:16,043 --> 00:01:17,278
Yeah, clearly.
21
00:01:17,378 --> 00:01:18,712
For sure.
22
00:01:26,053 --> 00:01:29,957
Polly, are you ready to get
rid of your accessories?
23
00:01:30,057 --> 00:01:32,193
Because that's what they are --
24
00:01:32,293 --> 00:01:33,894
Accessories, not love.
25
00:01:33,994 --> 00:01:35,830
Y-Yes.
26
00:01:38,265 --> 00:01:40,334
Oh, I don't know if you
and a camera crew
27
00:01:40,434 --> 00:01:43,204
are gonna be able to cure me
in a single afternoon.
28
00:01:43,304 --> 00:01:45,473
It's a freak show either way,
Polly.
29
00:01:45,573 --> 00:01:47,074
Oh. [chuckles]
30
00:01:57,051 --> 00:01:59,286
[sighing ]
Oh, well, that was sex.
31
00:01:59,386 --> 00:02:01,856
[exhales sharply]
I feel so close to you.
32
00:02:01,956 --> 00:02:04,358
I want you to know the truth
about me.
33
00:02:04,458 --> 00:02:05,860
I'm not only Jem.
34
00:02:05,960 --> 00:02:06,861
I'm also...
35
00:02:06,961 --> 00:02:07,928
[twinkle! ]
36
00:02:08,028 --> 00:02:09,363
...Jerrica Benton.
37
00:02:09,463 --> 00:02:11,265
Uh... that's great.
38
00:02:11,365 --> 00:02:14,635
How about switching back
over to Jem?
39
00:02:14,735 --> 00:02:17,404
Thanks.
Not big on Jerrica.
40
00:02:19,540 --> 00:02:22,776
No! Wilson!
41
00:02:22,877 --> 00:02:24,879
[sobs]
42
00:02:31,919 --> 00:02:33,554
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Don't try to move.
43
00:02:33,654 --> 00:02:36,690
You're still very weak.
Tell me -- who are you?
44
00:02:36,790 --> 00:02:38,058
[ Buoy rings]
45
00:02:38,159 --> 00:02:40,227
Oh.
You've lost your memory.
46
00:02:40,327 --> 00:02:43,164
Wait! Wait, my friend!
We can help you!
47
00:02:46,167 --> 00:02:48,502
Hey, you bum!
No loitering in the park.
48
00:02:48,602 --> 00:02:51,172
Come on.
Let's see some I.D.
49
00:02:51,272 --> 00:02:53,841
Stand down,
or I'll use force!
50
00:02:53,941 --> 00:02:55,509
Ow!
51
00:02:55,609 --> 00:02:57,244
All units --
we have a fleeing suspect
52
00:02:57,344 --> 00:03:00,014
who's just attacked
an officer.
53
00:03:00,114 --> 00:03:01,849
Aah! Oh!
Don't hurt me!
54
00:03:01,949 --> 00:03:04,151
I'll take you
wherever you need to go!
55
00:03:04,251 --> 00:03:05,419
[engine turns over]
56
00:03:05,519 --> 00:03:07,354
Why are the police after you?
57
00:03:07,454 --> 00:03:08,422
[sirens wail]
58
00:03:08,522 --> 00:03:10,224
Oh, you're right.
I do talk too much.
59
00:03:10,324 --> 00:03:11,559
[tires squeal]
60
00:03:11,659 --> 00:03:12,726
I can't lose them.
61
00:03:12,826 --> 00:03:14,895
Take the wheel!
62
00:03:14,995 --> 00:03:16,230
[water splashes]
63
00:03:16,330 --> 00:03:19,200
Stop!
Ah! They're getting away!
64
00:03:19,300 --> 00:03:21,468
You did it. You're amazing.
65
00:03:21,569 --> 00:03:23,971
Oh fuck you cops!
I've never felt so alive.
66
00:03:24,071 --> 00:03:25,973
[grunts]
67
00:03:26,073 --> 00:03:28,042
This is my brother's place,
68
00:03:28,142 --> 00:03:30,511
but he's on vacation
right now.
69
00:03:30,611 --> 00:03:32,279
[ Screams ]
70
00:03:32,379 --> 00:03:33,480
Save us!
71
00:03:33,581 --> 00:03:35,115
[grunts]
72
00:03:35,216 --> 00:03:36,450
I got it. I got it!
73
00:03:36,550 --> 00:03:37,751
Oh, get it off me!
74
00:03:37,851 --> 00:03:38,686
Get it off me!
75
00:03:38,786 --> 00:03:40,654
Stay back! Stay back!
Stay back!
76
00:03:40,754 --> 00:03:41,622
[ Screams ]
77
00:03:41,722 --> 00:03:44,124
Look out!
78
00:03:44,225 --> 00:03:46,026
Everyone thought
you were dead.
79
00:03:46,126 --> 00:03:48,696
I love you,
but I have a family now.
80
00:03:48,796 --> 00:03:50,164
Ow!
[ grunts ]
81
00:03:50,264 --> 00:03:51,131
Wilson!
82
00:03:51,232 --> 00:03:53,100
I thought
I'd lost you forever!
83
00:03:53,200 --> 00:03:55,169
Did you just hit me
in the face?
84
00:03:55,269 --> 00:03:56,937
I am calling the cops!
85
00:03:57,037 --> 00:03:58,272
Ow.
86
00:03:58,372 --> 00:04:00,441
[ Distorted ]
No witnesses.
87
00:04:00,541 --> 00:04:02,843
No witnesses.
88
00:04:02,943 --> 00:04:05,512
[gasps]
89
00:04:05,613 --> 00:04:07,348
[wind blows ]
90
00:04:07,448 --> 00:04:09,016
♪ [ "Benny Hill" music plays] ♪
91
00:04:09,116 --> 00:04:11,185
[metal clanks]
92
00:04:11,285 --> 00:04:13,854
Aah! My dog!
93
00:04:13,954 --> 00:04:15,522
Perseus!
94
00:04:15,623 --> 00:04:18,525
Hey!
95
00:04:18,626 --> 00:04:20,194
[ Screams ]
96
00:04:20,294 --> 00:04:21,795
[ Screams ]
97
00:04:28,636 --> 00:04:31,005
- Make us proud, Sabib.
- I will!
98
00:04:31,105 --> 00:04:33,974
Guys! Guys! The western dogs!
[spits]
99
00:04:34,074 --> 00:04:37,111
They're pulling their military
bases from our soil!
100
00:04:37,211 --> 00:04:39,580
We won!
We did it! We did it!
101
00:04:39,680 --> 00:04:41,115
That is a close one!
102
00:04:41,215 --> 00:04:42,916
Oh, yeah. Sorry, Sabib.
103
00:04:43,017 --> 00:04:45,185
There's no way
to remove the vest.
104
00:04:45,286 --> 00:04:46,186
What?
105
00:04:46,287 --> 00:04:48,589
Hey guys, you're all coming
to my super bowl party, right?
106
00:04:48,689 --> 00:04:50,024
Oh, yeah!
107
00:04:50,124 --> 00:04:51,925
Hey, what kind of chips
should I bring?
108
00:04:52,026 --> 00:04:53,193
Cool Ranch or --
109
00:04:53,294 --> 00:04:55,396
Ooh, sorry, Sabib, my wife
kinda doesn't want
110
00:04:55,496 --> 00:04:57,698
your suicide vest
around the kids.
111
00:04:57,798 --> 00:04:59,266
But... that's not fair!
112
00:04:59,366 --> 00:05:01,268
I was prepared to martyr myself
for the good of us all!
113
00:05:01,368 --> 00:05:03,270
So, my wife's a bitch?
Is that what you're saying?
114
00:05:03,370 --> 00:05:04,605
No! I-I...
115
00:05:04,705 --> 00:05:07,775
[sighs]
116
00:05:07,875 --> 00:05:09,943
Bro, your wife is a bitch.
117
00:05:10,044 --> 00:05:11,478
"Avengers 2" is sold out.
118
00:05:11,578 --> 00:05:13,347
Plenty of tickets left
for the movie
119
00:05:13,447 --> 00:05:16,016
where Kevin James gets
pregnant, though.
120
00:05:16,116 --> 00:05:17,017
[sighs]
121
00:05:17,117 --> 00:05:19,520
My water's breaking!
122
00:05:19,620 --> 00:05:20,688
[ Water splashes]
123
00:05:20,788 --> 00:05:23,090
It is in your power
to end this.
124
00:05:23,190 --> 00:05:25,793
We'll do it together.
125
00:05:31,799 --> 00:05:32,966
Ladies and gentlemen,
126
00:05:33,067 --> 00:05:35,169
the greatest super-weapon
ever created!
127
00:05:35,269 --> 00:05:37,004
I give you Astro Boy!
128
00:05:37,104 --> 00:05:38,405
[ crowd gaspes ]
129
00:05:38,505 --> 00:05:40,474
You know what would have made
a greater super-weapon?
130
00:05:40,574 --> 00:05:43,043
A full-grown man robot
with a fucking shirt,
131
00:05:43,143 --> 00:05:44,712
you sick son of a bitch!
132
00:05:44,812 --> 00:05:46,613
Shall I show him
my cannon, sir?
133
00:05:46,714 --> 00:05:48,615
Uh, no, no, no, no, no.
134
00:05:48,716 --> 00:05:51,452
[doorbell rings]
135
00:05:51,552 --> 00:05:53,887
"I am required by law
to notify you
136
00:05:53,987 --> 00:05:59,026
that I am a registered
s-sex offender."
137
00:05:59,126 --> 00:06:01,095
Hi, there. May I help you
with anything today?
138
00:06:01,195 --> 00:06:03,497
Yeah, I'm looking
for a lotion
139
00:06:03,597 --> 00:06:05,833
that'll really soften up
human skin.
140
00:06:05,933 --> 00:06:08,802
Well, our signature series
uses sea-kelp extract.
141
00:06:08,902 --> 00:06:11,238
Here! Try it out!
- Oh, that is nice.
142
00:06:11,338 --> 00:06:12,940
Urn, is there a gift
with purchase?
143
00:06:13,040 --> 00:06:15,609
If you buy the whole set,
it comes in this cute basket!
144
00:06:15,709 --> 00:06:17,044
I do need a basket.
145
00:06:17,144 --> 00:06:18,846
Put the lotion in the basket.
146
00:06:18,946 --> 00:06:20,914
I'm taking the set.
- Excellent!
147
00:06:21,014 --> 00:06:23,250
And your total is $635.
148
00:06:23,350 --> 00:06:25,252
Yikes. That is pricy.
149
00:06:25,352 --> 00:06:27,221
Well, you pay for quality.
150
00:06:27,321 --> 00:06:31,024
I guess you can't put a price
on beautiful human skin.
151
00:06:31,125 --> 00:06:32,593
[ Both laugh ]
152
00:06:32,693 --> 00:06:33,761
True.
153
00:06:33,861 --> 00:06:35,996
No! Please, mister!
Let me go!
154
00:06:36,096 --> 00:06:37,898
It puts the moisturizer,
refining serum
155
00:06:37,998 --> 00:06:40,033
and body buffer on its skin,
156
00:06:40,134 --> 00:06:42,302
or else it gets
the hose again.
157
00:06:42,403 --> 00:06:44,238
Oh -- wow!
Crème de la Mer?
158
00:06:44,338 --> 00:06:46,240
This stuff's
insanely expensive.
159
00:06:46,340 --> 00:06:47,975
You're telling me,
but obviously,
160
00:06:48,075 --> 00:06:50,144
people are willing
to pay.
161
00:06:50,244 --> 00:06:51,412
Guilty as charged.
162
00:06:51,512 --> 00:06:52,846
[ Both laugh ]
163
00:06:52,946 --> 00:06:55,949
Seriously, put the fucking
lotion on your skin.
164
00:06:56,049 --> 00:06:58,152
- Who is she?
- What does she want?
165
00:06:58,252 --> 00:07:00,254
Ooh! Oh, dear.
Oh, my!
166
00:07:00,354 --> 00:07:03,157
It's -- it's $10 each
or $100 for all at once.
167
00:07:03,257 --> 00:07:05,692
Well, that sounds
perfectly reasonable.
168
00:07:05,793 --> 00:07:07,461
Mr. Gargamel,
how do you plead
169
00:07:07,561 --> 00:07:09,196
to the charges
of kidnapping, murder,
170
00:07:09,296 --> 00:07:11,899
and consumption
of 182 smurfs?
171
00:07:11,999 --> 00:07:13,267
Guilty, your honor.
172
00:07:13,367 --> 00:07:14,568
They were delicious.
173
00:07:14,668 --> 00:07:16,970
Then you are hereby sentenced
to 50 years
174
00:07:17,070 --> 00:07:19,339
for racially motivated
hate crimes.
175
00:07:19,440 --> 00:07:21,408
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
I'm not racist!
176
00:07:21,508 --> 00:07:23,410
All I was trying to do was
177
00:07:23,510 --> 00:07:25,412
round up every last smurf
on Earth
178
00:07:25,512 --> 00:07:27,247
and eradicate
their entire species.
179
00:07:27,347 --> 00:07:30,517
You just gave the textbook
definition of genocide.
180
00:07:30,617 --> 00:07:31,919
Whoops.
181
00:07:32,019 --> 00:07:35,189
So, me and Hitler, then.
Hmm.
182
00:07:35,289 --> 00:07:38,492
Why would a contractor need
glow-in-the-dark paint?
183
00:07:38,592 --> 00:07:41,128
I wonder if this has to do
with the glowing ghost?
184
00:07:41,228 --> 00:07:42,196
[sighs]
185
00:07:42,296 --> 00:07:44,398
I put my parents $100,000
in debt
186
00:07:44,498 --> 00:07:46,533
for that Criminal Science
degree.
187
00:07:46,633 --> 00:07:48,936
I need to rethink my life.
- SHAGGY: Zoinks!
188
00:07:49,036 --> 00:07:50,504
[ gasps ] Shaggy!
189
00:07:50,604 --> 00:07:51,738
Oh!
190
00:07:51,839 --> 00:07:54,308
Oh, my glasses.
191
00:07:54,408 --> 00:07:56,510
Oh! Jinkies!
192
00:07:56,610 --> 00:07:59,580
G-G-G-Glowing ghost!
Ohh!
193
00:07:59,680 --> 00:08:01,482
- Velma!
- Oh, my God.
194
00:08:01,582 --> 00:08:02,382
GHOST:
[gags]
195
00:08:02,483 --> 00:08:04,251
Oh, I just puked right
in my fucking mask!
196
00:08:04,351 --> 00:08:06,453
Velma faces 12 to 18 months
of physical therapy
197
00:08:06,553 --> 00:08:07,688
with no insurance.
198
00:08:07,788 --> 00:08:09,223
While she's on
that fun journey,
199
00:08:09,323 --> 00:08:10,958
we need someone
to fill her role.
200
00:08:11,058 --> 00:08:13,861
Like, dude, me and Scoob
already put an ad on craigslist.
201
00:08:13,961 --> 00:08:15,429
Reah! Raigs-rist!
202
00:08:15,529 --> 00:08:17,331
[ laughs ]
Like, here she is now!
203
00:08:17,431 --> 00:08:18,699
[engine revs]
204
00:08:18,799 --> 00:08:21,368
[tires screech ]
205
00:08:21,468 --> 00:08:23,704
I am Lisbeth Salander.
206
00:08:23,804 --> 00:08:25,305
I know we need a team nerd,
207
00:08:25,405 --> 00:08:27,641
but do they always have to be
such boner killers?
208
00:08:27,741 --> 00:08:29,710
♪ Ba-da-da, ba ♪
209
00:08:29,810 --> 00:08:31,945
Hey, Lisbeth!
I really like your, uh...
210
00:08:32,045 --> 00:08:33,447
[ thinking]
Hair, eyebrows, makeup,
211
00:08:33,547 --> 00:08:35,048
piercings, tattoos, outfit,
212
00:08:35,148 --> 00:08:38,519
hygiene, manners, smile, accent...
213
00:08:38,619 --> 00:08:41,722
Hey, Fred,
turn up the radio.
214
00:08:41,822 --> 00:08:43,423
The owner of this
amusement park says
215
00:08:43,524 --> 00:08:45,125
a ghost is scaring away
all his customers.
216
00:08:45,225 --> 00:08:47,127
My plan is we split up.
217
00:08:47,227 --> 00:08:48,562
- You are incompetent.
- Huh?
218
00:08:48,662 --> 00:08:50,297
The owner of this park
is bankrupt.
219
00:08:50,397 --> 00:08:51,765
These are his
financial records.
220
00:08:51,865 --> 00:08:53,800
Don't implicate me
in whatever you're doing.
221
00:08:53,901 --> 00:08:56,169
Lots of honest people
file Chapter 11, Lisbeth.
222
00:08:56,270 --> 00:08:58,071
Here are his personal
e-mails.
223
00:08:58,171 --> 00:09:00,007
He has $50,000
in gambling debts.
224
00:09:00,107 --> 00:09:02,009
While gambling is
a deplorable vice --
225
00:09:02,109 --> 00:09:04,011
Here are receipts
for a ghost costume,
226
00:09:04,111 --> 00:09:06,380
a one-way ticket to Brazil,
and 12 drums of acetone --
227
00:09:06,480 --> 00:09:08,282
the most common arson
accelerant.
228
00:09:08,382 --> 00:09:10,384
He is planning to burn the park
for the insurance money,
229
00:09:10,484 --> 00:09:12,953
blame it on a ghost,
and flee the country.
230
00:09:13,053 --> 00:09:14,154
[ Blink! ]
231
00:09:14,254 --> 00:09:15,355
I say we split up.
232
00:09:15,455 --> 00:09:17,124
- [ Moans]
- Look out!
233
00:09:17,224 --> 00:09:18,191
- Zoinks!
- Ruh-roh!
234
00:09:18,292 --> 00:09:21,261
That is Phillip W. Anderson,
the president and C.E.O. of this --
235
00:09:21,361 --> 00:09:23,664
Like, run!
236
00:09:24,665 --> 00:09:26,233
You wear too much purple.
237
00:09:26,333 --> 00:09:27,734
I know! It matches my eyes.
238
00:09:27,834 --> 00:09:30,470
The only humans with naturally
purple eyes are albinos.
239
00:09:30,571 --> 00:09:32,506
Fine! They're contacts.
God!
240
00:09:32,606 --> 00:09:34,374
You think you know
everything, huh?
241
00:09:34,474 --> 00:09:35,609
You think you're so cool.
242
00:09:35,709 --> 00:09:38,912
You know, you're not the only
one with a bad-ass tattoo.
243
00:09:39,012 --> 00:09:41,682
I think a tumbleweed just
blew through my vagina.
244
00:09:41,782 --> 00:09:44,084
I know! It sucks!
Fred sucks!
245
00:09:44,184 --> 00:09:46,587
I have the worst boyfriend
in the world!
246
00:09:46,687 --> 00:09:49,323
Maybe you could try
handcuffing him to your bed.
247
00:09:49,423 --> 00:09:51,391
Oh, I guess that could
spice things up.
248
00:09:51,491 --> 00:09:53,293
Yes!
And then sodomize him
249
00:09:53,393 --> 00:09:56,263
with a stainless-steel
revenge dildo!
250
00:09:56,363 --> 00:09:59,266
[ both grunting ]
251
00:09:59,366 --> 00:10:02,603
Oh! So that's how
these girls play.
252
00:10:02,703 --> 00:10:04,438
[Zipl]
Ohh.
253
00:10:04,538 --> 00:10:06,506
This whole park smells like
sex all of a sudden,
254
00:10:06,607 --> 00:10:09,743
and I get stuck with
a four-legged tang repellant.
255
00:10:09,843 --> 00:10:13,146
Rang re-rellent?
Ray-re rit's rhe roul ratch.
256
00:10:13,246 --> 00:10:16,350
Did you just diss
the soul patch?
257
00:10:16,450 --> 00:10:18,318
- Rit's rhe rhost!
- Like, zoinks!
258
00:10:18,418 --> 00:10:20,854
[ laughs ]
259
00:10:20,954 --> 00:10:22,856
[grunts]
260
00:10:22,956 --> 00:10:25,926
Look! It was the amusement park
owner after all!
261
00:10:26,026 --> 00:10:27,761
Imbecile.
262
00:10:27,861 --> 00:10:30,497
We actually solved
the mystery without Velma.
263
00:10:30,597 --> 00:10:33,467
And without a tacked-on car
chase and explosion,
264
00:10:33,567 --> 00:10:36,003
unlike "The Girl
with the Dragon Tattoo."
265
00:10:36,103 --> 00:10:38,872
Ohh! Thanks
for the critique, guys.
266
00:10:38,972 --> 00:10:40,941
ALL:
Stieg Larsson, author of
267
00:10:41,041 --> 00:10:42,709
"The Girl with the Dragon
Tattoo"?!
268
00:10:42,809 --> 00:10:44,544
Maybe I would have
done a second draft
269
00:10:44,645 --> 00:10:46,780
if I hadn't died
of a fucking heart attack!
270
00:10:46,880 --> 00:10:48,281
Like, hey, old dude.
271
00:10:48,382 --> 00:10:49,750
Did you lose a contact lens?
272
00:10:49,850 --> 00:10:51,785
I just took a hammer
to the skull.
273
00:10:51,885 --> 00:10:53,720
I think my fucking retina
flew off.
274
00:10:53,820 --> 00:10:56,056
[all laugh 1
275
00:10:56,156 --> 00:10:58,191
Rooby-rooby-rod!
276
00:10:58,291 --> 00:10:59,192
♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪
277
00:10:59,292 --> 00:11:00,360
♪ Ba-bawk
bawk bawk ♪
278
00:11:00,460 --> 00:11:02,663
♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk
wawk bawk bawk J“
279
00:11:02,763 --> 00:11:03,664
♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪
280
00:11:03,764 --> 00:11:04,831
♪ Ba-bawk
bawk bawk ♪
281
00:11:04,931 --> 00:11:06,900
♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk
bawk bawk ♪
282
00:11:07,000 --> 00:11:07,901
♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪
283
00:11:08,001 --> 00:11:08,902
♪ Ba-bawk
bawk bawk ♪
284
00:11:09,002 --> 00:11:11,104
♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk
bawk bawk ♪
285
00:11:11,204 --> 00:11:13,874
Ba-gawk! Bawk.
19587
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