Original subtitles

[thunder crashes]

[laughs evilly]

[ Sawing ]

[ electricity crackles ]

It's alive!

[thunder crashes]

[laughs evilly]

[ Smooch! ]

[laughs evilly]

♪ Alvin is the cool-munk ♪

♪ He really loves to rock ♪

♪ Together we're the chipmunks ♪

♪ I jerk off in Dave's so-o-o-ck ♪

DAVE: Alvin!

[girls screaming] - This is my jam.

I swear to God, I'm gonna get backstage

and blow one of those chipmunks!

What did you just say?

Yeah! At least one of them. Hopefully all of them.

But they don't have penises, Traci.

They're animatronic.

Kendra, they're not animatronic.

I think I heard they're mutants.

They're regular chipmunks that got radiated.

Don't care. Blowing one!

Whoo!

Wow.

One, two, three, four.

[ Knock on door]

Mr. Seville, I'm new here, so I wanted to double-check.

What's your policy on groupies?

- Groupies? - Oh, hi -- me, me!

Wait a minute, are you saying that human girl

is sexually interested in the boys?

That's disgusting.

Get her the hell out of here.

I'm gonna go pray for her soul.

Wow, a real groupie, just like other rock stars have.

Don't even think about it, Alvin.

- It's bestiality. - It's against God's plan.

Theodore, we're four-foot-high chipmunks.

We're proof that God is dead.

[ squeak! ]

I'm going to whack me off a piece of that.

I didn't actually think I'd get this far.

Lucky you.

Yeah, you smell different than I thought.

Like, less dreamy and more gamey.

Oh, well, uh, I guess we don't have to.

Yeah. Yeah, we do.

I talked a big game in front of my friends.

And... [voice breaking] now this has to happen.

[sighs]

Uh, are you crying?

[crying]

I can't find your junk.

Oh, hang on. My genitals retract!

[grunts] [pom]

Oh, God. I'm going home now.

Aww.

Hope my friends didn't go home without me.

Ye-e-e-e-s!

This is so much better than masturbating!

And Kendra thought you were animatronic.

Nope. Mutated by radiation.

- GIRL: Yeah! - High five!

- THEODORE: Yeah! - GIRL: This is my jam!

BOTH: Aww.

Mom and Dad couldn't afford our Christmas presents

because the price of gas is so high.

But I've been extra good.

Swear I'm gonna fuck shit up next year.

Did somebody say "energy crisis"?

BOTH: Not in those exact words, Captain America.

The high cost of energy is crippling America, kids.

BOTH: But what can we do?

We can lick this problem if we all do our part together.

Turn the dial down to 68 degrees,

and we'll useless heating oil.

We're not gonna do that. My feet get cold.

Uh, okay. Next tip.

Electronics still use energy even when turned off.

Make sure to unplug them.

- That sounds exhausting. - Pass.

Uh...

clothes dryers are 20% of a home's energy bill.

Dry your laundry outdoors, and save power.

- I'd never wait that long. - Nobody's gonna do that.

Well, fine. Fuck you, then.

[glass shatters ]

[dog barks]

Sorry we couldn't afford gifts this year, kids.

That's okay. It's enough that you don't force us

to live like a bunch of broke-ass hippies.

ALL: Aww.

[shivering ]

My feet are fucking freezing.

[ Lassie barks ]

Lassie, what's wrong, girl?

[ Lassie barks ]

Timmy fell -- oh, wrong verb?

[ Lassie barks ]

Dropped... put...

spread... - [ Lassie barks]

Timmy spread... peanut butter...

- [ Lassie barks ] - On his balls...

and you had to -- Oh, I'm so sorry, Lassie.

[Lassie whines]

Let's all give a round of applause

to 6-year-old Bosco Albert, who's making our flight

from Atlanta to L.A. all by himself.

[applause]

Also, it looks like the in-flight meal was over three weeks old

and almost certainly teeming with bacteria.

Thank you so much. - [gurgle!]

Excuse me, I need to use the --

FAA regulations require that you stay in your seat

with your seatbelt fully fastened.

This isn't happening. I'm not gonna make it.

God forgive me! [fa-a-a-a-rt! ]

Oh, dear, get out of the way! [fa-a-a-a-rt! ]

Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain,

reminding you that getting out of your seat is against F--

Aw, who am I kidding ? I'm out' of my seat

squatting over a coffee pot' up here, people.

Do what you have to do.

[screams and farting]

Oh, God!

[all farting]

[ Splat! ]

I told you before, I don't get on no damn plane.

- Oh, what's the big deal, B.A.? - It's personal.

Rosemary's here to share some news with her baby daddy.

- Now, does Stan -- - It's "Satan."

Sorry. Does Satan know why he's here today?

No, Lonnie, he has no idea.

Well, let's bring him out. Satan.

[applause] - Thank you.

Hi, Satan, how are you?

I'm doing great, Lonnie, amazing.

I'm here with my beautiful baby mama.

Now, Satan, you and Rosemary

have raised little Adrian together.

Happiest years of my life, Lonnie.

But we performed a paternity test,

and I have the results right here.

- Say what? - Satan, you... are...

not the father.

How could you? What am I gonna tell Me-maw?!

Coming up...

Joseph, you are not the father of Mary's child.

Ah! I told you.

I told you that's not my kid.

That's not my kid.

Let's meet Jesus' real father.

God. - [ booing ]

Yeah. Hey, hey, hey.

You don't know me. You don't know me.

Did you just change back from a werewolf?

Yeah.

You've been licking your balls, haven't you?

Well, they don't lick themselves.

Our kids have made a 180-degree change, Ms. Poppins.

How do you do it?

Oh, let's just say I have my secrets. Ta-ta!

Secrets? I don't like the sound of that.

Oh, thank God we bought that nanny cam.

[Clink!]

A spoonful of sugar will help this go down.

Did we say she could medicate the children?

♪ [ humming ] ♪

Did she saw a hole in my table?

This room is a mess.

Oh, great, and she's also a witch.

Hello, police.

[blades whirring] Oh, dear.

MAN: Land your umbrella! Put your hands over your head!

- Now, just a minute. - Now, bitch, now!

Such language.

A spoonful of sugar will help this go down.

She's going for a gun! [gunshot]

[ laughs ] Oh, sometimes a warning shot is quite polite.

Ahhhh!

But sometimes, you gotta grow a dick.

Aah!

[punches landing, man groaning]

[ Boom! ]

[ Slurring ] Hey, Woody.

I got some wood for you to peck on.

[ all laugh ]

Woodpecker!

Fuck you.

This school play is so boring.

I was literally daydreaming about that horrible day

I spent fly-fishing with your brother.

Shh!

Yeah, baby, I'm killing it tonight!

The sex we're having is literally so bad

that I'm daydreaming about the time you told me

about fly-fishing during that boring school play.

What were you just thinking, dear?

What could've made him kill himself?

Think I figured it out.

I'm knitting a sweater for my granddaughter.

She's part of a human centipede.

Gentlemen, if we properly reconstructed this DNA,

we're about to meet the first dinosaur

to walk the earth in 65 million years.

[ Electricity crackles ]

[footsteps thudding ]

Wow, radical place you got here, dude.

Show me the nearest half-pipe,

'cause I'm a rebel with a totally rude 'tude.

[gunshot]

Burn it all.

Burn it all!

[unzip!]

Ahh.

Hey, what's up?

Gather 'round, Joes. Our orders just came through.

What's Cobra up to this time, Duke?

No, not Cobra.

Apparently we're being deployed to Afghanistan.

Hmm. Okay. Yo, Joe?

ALL: Yo, Joe!

Who wants to jump on Google and find out what a "Taliban" is?

Oh, okay.

MAN: I was concerned about your colorful unit

training my men, Duke,

until I heard about your experience

with ruthless terrorist organizations.

You can count on G.l. Joe to keep a low profile, Colonel.

Now if you could just point me toward the local PETCO.

Seems the flight didn't agree with our exotic birds.

Polly, watch the eyes! Aah! Ow!

You simply knock out an enemy, throw on his clothes,

and "ahoy, matey," you're undercover.

Questions anyone? Estevez?

I'm not Estevez, sir. I'm Hammond.

Oh, of course. Sorry. I meant you, Estevez.

- I'm Sanderson, sir. - [ laughs]

It's so hard to tell you guys apart

with your matching uniforms.

Where's Estevez? - There is no Estevez.

[gunshots]

Son, you shoot like that in the field,

and your enemy could end up dead.

The idea is to herd them back to the enemy line,

safe and sound.

Hey, this laser rifle's loaded with bullets.

[scoffs] Amateur hour, guys.

Intel is suggesting the insurgents are massing

here, here, and here.

'Scuse me, Colonel, but shouldn't we be more concerned

with the enemy's weather dominator?

It's about a million degrees outside.

It's the desert.

Well, then, some other kind of dominator --

sand dominator, maybe. I don't know.

Just spitballing here. - Sir, the insurgents are moving.

All right, send out a division.

Y-o-o-o-o Jo-o-o-e!

[sighs]

Send out a division to...

All right, this is it.

Remember, keep your heads, and everything will be just --

they're shooting at us!

Oh, my God, they're actually shooting at us!

Out of the chopper! Get out of the chopper!

Aah! [ splat! ]

Move, move, move.

Does anyone else feel like a dumb-ass right now?

[rapid gunfire]

Yo-o-o-o Joe!

Oh, no!

Great job, team.

Those insurgents won't know what hit them.

Great job, team.

Those insurgents didn't know what hit them.

All right, troops, you got them now.

Herd him. Herd him back to the line.

Good job, team.

He'll be turning tail any second.

[blam!]

Oh, it's a fuckin' meat grinder.

Who will protect the world from Cobra

after we've yo'd our last Joe?

[ laughs ]

Look at those fools.

I knew the Joes couldn't handle

the rigors of actual combat.

[ Explosions, gunfire] What the fuck was that?

We're in there! Go, go, go, go, go!

What the fuck? Bitch, protect your commander.

You win this day, SEAL Team 6.

But next time.

[gunshot]

Good job, every--

[ farts ]

Good job, good --

[ farting ]

Good job, everyone.

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk ♪

Ba-gawk! Bawk.