Original subtitles

[thunder crashes]

[laughs evilly]

[ sawing ]

[ electricity crackles ]

It's alive!

[thunder crashes]

[laughs evilly]

[ smooch! ]

[laughs evilly]

Go, go, gadget 90-90!

[dance music plays]

[ rip! ]

[woman moaning]

I think this photo shoot is premature, Jerry.

We haven't even decided whether we'll be a coffee company

or a studio specializing in mermaid porn!

Either way, we're gonna need a logo.

Ooh, let's shoot the sexy one first!

[camera shutter clicks]

[ Creak! ]

[ Clunk! thud! shatter! ]

[ gasping ]

That model was someone's child,

and she died in a topless mermaid costume!

- It was an accident. - That was a sign from God!

We're not doing mermaid porn, got it?!

Fine, fine, we'll do the coffee thing!

But we still need a logo, and photo shoots ain't cheap.

We'll use this...

[voice breaking ] In her memory.

Uh...

We'll crop it!

[harp music plays]

That was the best 10" cube of tofu I've ever had!

I hope someday in the future, everyone goes vegetarian.

[ zap! ]

I am from the future --

a future where everyone is vegetarian!

- Awesome! - That's wonderful!

You don't understand!

[ zap! ]

[ growls ]

- Run! - Hey, there, buddy.

I'm one of the good one--

[gunfire]

[groans]

[ moos ]

So, you're saying with no natural enemies,

cows became Earth's dominant species,

and since cows don't know right from wrong...

Cows became the ultimate killing machines.

[ moos ]

[ both grunting ]

[ strained ] Shoot the cow!

I can't kill an animal!

But I'll knock an animal the fuck out!!

[gun cocks]

[ Gunfire, girl screams]

Is that really necessary?

[ zap! ]

[mooing, gunfire]

[mooing ]

Quickly! Eat this burger!

It's the only way to avoid vegetarian future

and change the timeline.

- I can't! - Trust me!

I can't!!

Time-out, guys. T.O.!

I want to be real clear on this.

You would die to avoid compromising

your vegetarian principles?

- Yeah, yeah, I would! - Even if it means I die, too.

Well, I mean, I-it's the principle of the thing.

[mooing ]

And consequently, all human beings on Earth?

What do you want me to say?!

I want you to admit it's not about meat.

You're actually just a narcissist and a contrarian,

and being a vegetarian is about setting yourself apart

in order to feel superior to the rest of us!

I -- I -- I -- fine.

Give me the fucking Burger.

Mmm.

[mooing ]

You did it! You saved the human race!

Oh, but I don't feel special and superior anymore.

I'm sure you'll find that thing

that makes you feel special again, Katie.

What were you thinking, Sabrina,

using your magic to turn Harvey's hair purple?

Here's a better question, Aunt Hilda.

If you know magic, why are you still fat?

[harp music plays]

Season-one callback, jerks!

Whoo-hoo!

[ Cat howls ]

BOTH: I feel the need, the need for...

- Speed! - Dick!

Eh, did you just say "dick"?

No, I thought you said "dick."

[Offenbach's "The Galop" plays]

[ [ zip! ]

[ Crash! ]

[ Screech! ]

Meep-meep'-!

[ zip! ]

[ Foster's "Old Folks at Home" plays]

[ding!]

[dong!]

[ Clatter! ]

[ rip! ]

[ rustle! ]

[thud!]

[Chopin's "Marche Funébre" plays]

[voice breaking ] Meep.

Meep-meep.

[ Creak! ]

[ Crash! ]

[Whoosh! ]

[ Sizzle! ]

[thud!]

[upbeat music plays]

And now back to...

Hey, Evie, want to go out with me on Friday?

[ting!]

Eh... pass.

[ laughter]

MAN: [ muffled ] V.E.N.O.M. will never suspect

that this ordinary gas station is really the headquarters

of our new high-tech crime-fighting team,

M.A.S.K.

I can't hear a word he's saying.

Gloria, can you hear Matt?

[muffled ] Did you just call me fat?

Okay, I know they look cool,

but there's no need to wear these inside.

Come on. Masks off.

Hey! Anyone here?!

I think your -- your pump's broken!

Now, I don't want to alarm anybody,

but the agents of V.E.N.O.M. already have

their acronym figured out.

They're really up our asses.

I'd like to get up Gloria's ass.

- What did you say? - I said I hate V.E.N.O.M.!

No, you didn't.

You misheard me because of my mask.

Hey, buddy! Get a move on!

Well, it's not my fault, so lay off!

Is he paying by check or something?

Look, I can't find an attendant,

so what do you want me to do?!

Mobile-attack... serial killers!

Like we'll murder V.E.N.O.M.'s ass!

You're not even trying!

What if we just call ourselves H.E.L.M.E.T. --

the heroic, elite legion making...

elite... tacos.

[sirens wailing] Uh-oh!

It sounds like V.E.N.O.M.'s onto us.

Bruce... you know what to do.

Why's the freaking open sign on?

I don't even think this is a functioning pump!

Here's my comment card, you fuckers!

Say hello to Miles Mayhem...

in hell!

[ Gunfire, screaming]

I just wanted a tank of gas!

Oh, these are civilians.

Think we better get used to wearing these masks.

The forces of H.E.L.M.E.T. were never here.

Talk! Talk, damn you!

I ain't saying nothin'!

Get my lawyer!

No! Aah! Ow! Ow! All right!

The body's buried near the river, west of town!

Good job, Officer Pixar Lamp!

[ sproing! ]

Thwip, thwip!

Thwip, thwip...

Smash!

Smash...

[shing!]

[shing!]

[rhythmic clacking ]

[steel-drumming]

[ "Stomp"-esque rhythm plays ]

Excelsior!

[music stops]

Hey, that's called "character branding," true believers!

I invented it!

MAN: [chuckling ] Urn, is that really --

I said I invented it!

Pull over, boy.

Always in search of the perfect ingredients

for our gourmet brand of Orville Redenbacher popcorn!

Once a corn man, always a corn man,

huh, Grandpa Orville?

Once a second banana, always a second banana, Gary.

[ Chuckles ]

Now stop this car.

How's that corn lookin', Grandpa?

Wet.

I growls ]

[ Trickle! ]

Sorry, son.

At my age, it takes a while to turn off the spigot.

[ [ Zip! ]

Now, what are you doing in the middle of a cornfield

all by yourself?

[ Click! ]

The outsiders will be sacrificed

to the thing that dwells among the stalks!

[cheering ]

Son, you've got a choice -- either let us go

or I'm gonna tie this bow tie around your cock

right before I cut it off.

Foolish old man!

As long as I serve the thing that dwells among the stalks,

I shall live forever!

Live forever, ah?

That sure would come in handy

if the octogenarian face of a worldwide corporation ever died.

You ever try and re-animate me, boy,

I'll rip your nuts off from beyond the grave!

[ Click! ]

What are we gonna do, Grandpa?

We're trapped in the cornfield with a demon!

No, Gary.

That demon's trapped in a cornfield with me.

[ Click! ]

Ow! Get it out, Grandpa!

[ Screams ]

[ Splat! ]

[ting!]

Pop pop, motherfucker.

[Whoosh! ]

[howling]

I'm a man of my word, Cyrus.

Oh, n-o-o-o-o!

[ Click! ]

[ Popping ]

[upbeat music plays]

- Hey, there. How'd you like to -- - Ew, get lost.

Hey, there. How'd you like to --

I thought you were into spoons.

I go both ways.

And finally, Joes,

"don't ask, don't tell" has been abolished.

So, Chuckles, if there's anything you'd like to tell us,

I'm askin'!

Oh, Roadblock, you look different.

Duke, I don't know what's done me this harm!

I woke up this mornin',

me and Flint had switched arms!

I can't touch Lady Jaye -- not with these!

Oh, guys, I think I might be a racist.

Snake Eyes, what happened to you?

You look like someone tried to paint you like spider-man,

then tossed you in the grass!

Has this happened to anyone else?

Scarlett? C-Cover yourself, woman!

Huh? Oh!!

I don't know how Cobra's doing this,

but I'm damn well gonna find out!

Yo, Joe! - Cobra?!

Put your checkbooks away

'cause this one's coming out of your ass!

Whatever voodoo you're using to mangle us,

we've had enough!

My helmet's not made to come off!

I look like Ebert under here,

and not Ebert in his prime!

And what are you so surprised about?

[mumbling]

We removed this from Dr. Mindbender's mouth!

What's going on here?

I want to see Cobra Commander now!

[strained ] I -- I couldn't stop it --

a giant hand from the heavens taping me

to what looked like enormous, brightly colored dynamite!

What kind of nonsense are you blathering?

Whoa! Oh, what did this?

We're nothing, you see,

playthings that have bored our fickle God.

It's judgment day!

[ Hisses ]

Duke! I'm scared!

Don't worry, Scarlett.

We'll find whoever -- or whatever --

has done this to us!

[whirring ]

[as G.l. Joe] Oh, no!

Please don't take my face -- my beautiful face!

[bang!]

Got ya, you massive abomination!

Yo, Joe!

Uh, did we just kill a kid?

I mean, yo, Joe, but I think that was a kid.

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk ♪

Ba-gawk! Bawk.