Original subtitles

[ THUNDER CRASHING ] [ DRILLING, SAWING ]

[ ELECTRICITY CRACKLING ] >> IT'S ALIVE!

[ ELECTRICITY CRACKLING ] >> IT'S ALIVE!

>> YOU REALIZE, WHEN I PULLED YOU OVER, YOU WERE DOING

87 MILES AN HOUR?

>> YEAH, I KNOW.

BELIEVE ME, I KNOW.

>> THERE IT IS! THE HOLY GRAIL!

>> WOW!

NOW WHAT?

>> WELL, I GUESS ONE OF US SHOULD STAY HERE AND GUARD THE

CUP.

>> ALL RIGHT, WHY DON'T WE DRAW STRAWS AND SEE WHO PICKS THE

ONE -- OH, COME ON, GUYS!

OH, REAL MATURE!

CAN'T WE JUST LEAVE A NOTE OR SOMETHING?

WHAT IF I GET HUNGRY?!

>> ORDER IN!

>> OH!

...109, 110, 111, 112, 113, 114, 115, 116, 117, 118 -- AAH!

...AND A LARGE SPRITE IF -- SLICE? UGH. OKAY, A LARGE SLICE.

IT'S THE THIRD CAVE ON THE LEFT.

YOU'RE GONNA DO A PENITENT SOMERSAULT.

THEN THE DOOR CODE IS "JEHOVAH," BUT IT'S LATIN, SO IT STARTS

WITH AN "I."

ARE YOU EVEN WRITING THIS DOWN?

[ SLURPS ] MMM! OHH.

[ GRUNTING ] HA HA! I THWART YOU! HA HA!

UNH! OH HO HO!

DIDN'T SEE THAT ONE COMING, DID YOU?

[ GRUNTING ] THINK I'LL GROW A BEARD.

AM I JUST EATING 'CAUSE I'M BORED?

OOH!

[ MOANING ] EEE-HEE-HEE!

OHH, SATAN!

LONG LIVE THE QUEE-- [ YAWNS ] SLEEPY.

HMM.

I GOT TO GET SOME NEW MENUS.

ARE YOU THE PIZZA GUY?

>> THERE'S NO TIME TO EXPLAIN.

>> WHICH ONE IS THE HOLY GRAIL?

THIS IS THE CUP OF THE KING OF KINGS!

[ GULPING ] AAAAAAH!

[ EXPLOSION ] >> OOH, I HAD THE SAME REACTION

WHEN I HAD KING OF KINGS.

I THINK IT'S THE SECRET SAUCE.

[ FABRIC FLAPPING ] >> HIT THE BELL, WIN A PRIZE!

[ CRUNCH! ] [ SQUEAK ]

[ WHOOSH! PLUNK! ] >> HA HA HA!

[ INHALES SHARPLY ] YEAH!

>> [ GROANS ] >> OH, I GUESS I --

I STILL GOT TO KILL IT.

[ CRUNCH! ] >> YOU SHOULDN'T DO THIS.

>> EVERY NIGHT, OUR SON WAKES US UP BECAUSE HE THINKS THERE'S A

BOOGEYMAN IN HIS CLOSET, THEN HE NEEDS ME TO GET HIM A DAMN GLASS

OF WATER!

>> HONEY!

>> NO!

I'LL PROVE TO HIM THERE'S NO BOOGEYMAN.

>> OHH, GEEZ.

>> [ CHUCKLES ] >> GOOD NIGHT, MOM AND DAD!

♪ BA BA-BA-BA ♪ ♪ HEY THERE, BEAR, WHO'S THE

MASTER OF YOUR UNIVERSE? ♪ ♪ IT'S GONNA BE ME ♪

♪ BA-BA-BA-BA BA-BA ♪ [ ZIPPER OPENING ]

♪ IT'S GONNA BE AN AWESOME NIGHT ♪

[ SMACK, SQUEAK ] YEAH! YOU LIKE THAT, BITCH?

>> Wha-- [ SMACKING, SQUEAKING ]

>> YOU ARE NOTHIN'!

YOU ARE SLIME!

YOU LIKE IT ROUGH, HUH?

YOU'RE A BAD, BAD MAN...

A BAD, NAKED MAN WHO'S GETTING PUNISHED.

YEAH! TAKE IT!

YEAH! TAKE IT! YOU'RE BAD!

YOU'RE BAD!

WHO'S YOUR DADDY?

WHO'S YOUR DADDY?

YOU'RE ADOPTED!

[ GRUNTING ] [ HISSING ]

EXCELSIOR!

[ SIGHS ] OH, MAN. I AM PARCHED.

MOM! DAD!

BOOGEYMAN IN THE CLOSET!

>> WHAT? A BOOGEYMAN?

HONEY, THERE'S NO SUCH THING.

>> Oh, no, don't. Shh! Shh!

>> UH, NOBODY...HERE.

[ CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY ] >> MMM, MMM. AHH!

>> SO...GOOD NIGHT...DEAR.

>> [ SOBBING ] >> B-B-BOOGEYMAN?

[ WHOOSH! PLUNK! ] >> [ GROANING ]

[ FUSE HISSING ] [ MUTTERING ]

[ SCRATCHING ] >> WOW.

I-I GOT TO MAKE THAT FUSE SHORTER.

>> WE TOOK A CURSED MONSTER AND PUT HIM IN A PIMPED-OUT CASTLE

WITH 20 BEAUTIES.

UNLESS HE CAN FIND TRUE LOVE BEFORE THE LAST ROSE PETAL

DROPS, THE BEAST WILL DIE.

THIS IS "BEAST AND THE BEAUTIES."

>> BEAUTIES, WELCOME TO MY CASTLE.

I JUST WANT YOU ALL TO KNOW I'VE HAD MY RABIES SHOT, SO LET'S

HAVE A GOOD TIME.

HA!

>> OH...MY...GOD!

I BET HE'S A REAL BEAST IN BED!

YOU KNOW I LIKE MY MEN HAIRY.

MM-HMM.

I USED TO BE A GROUPIE FOR ZZ TOP, YEAH.

>> I THINK I COULD FALL IN LOVE WITH BEAST.

HE REMINDS ME OF MY CAT, TWINKLES.

HE HAD A VERY ROUGH TONGUE.

I ACTUALLY LOST SOME SENSITIVITY DOWN THERE.

HE DIED.

>> LOOK, I DON'T CARE ABOUT THE BEAST.

I DON'T CARE ABOUT ANYONE.

I CAME ON THIS SHOW TO SHOW AMERICA I CAN SING.

CHECK IT.

♪ OHH, BABY, I WANT TO TOUCH YOUR BODY ♪

I WROTE THAT, HMM?

>> WHEN I FIRST SAW THE BEAUTIES, I WAS LIKE, "WOW!"

'CAUSE, YOU KNOW, THE LAST THING I [BLEEP] WAS A HORSE.

SO, FANTASIA, TELL ME ABOUT YOURSELF.

>> WELL, I LOVE CATS.

>> OOH, YEAH.

>> OOH, YOUR COAT'S SO SOFT.

>> THAT FEELS GOOD.

>> DO YOU LIKE THAT? YEAH.

SCRATCHY, SCRATCHY, SCRATCHY, SCRATCHY, SCRATCHY!

I CAN REALLY SEE US HAVING A CONNECTION.

[ GASPS ] WHAT'S THAT?

>> THAT'S AN ANGRY MOB.

WE -- WE SHOULD GO.

>> OH, NO!

>> KILL THE BEAST!

KILL THE BEAST! YEAH!

HEY -- AM I ON TV?

>> SO, GLYCERINE, TELL ME YOUR STORY.

>> MY STORY?

YO, I'M LIKE MARIAH CAREY IN "GLITTER."

LITTLE GIRL POOR.

LITTLE GIRL MOVE TO HOLLYWOOD.

LITTLE GIRL RICH AS HELL!

♪ ALL THOSE GIRLS AT MY OLD SCHOOL ♪

♪ CAN KISS MY ASS ♪ ♪ LEFT SIDE, RIGHT SIDE,

INSIDE, KISS MY ASS ♪ >> HEY, BEASTIE BOY, I GO BOTH

WAYS, SO WHY DON'T YOU TAKE HER AND ME UP TO YOUR ROOM AND

WE'LL MAKE YOU THE BEAST WITH THREE BACKS!

HA HA! OH, MY GOD! I'M SO DRUNK.

[ SNARLING, SMACKING ] >> I DECIDED TO TAKE SOME ALONE

TIME WITH FANTASIA 'CAUSE SHE WAS WASTED, SO I THOUGHT,

"HERE'S MY CHANCE TO GET IN THAT TANG," YOU KNOW?

WE WENT OUT INTO THE WOODS, AWAY FROM THE CAMERAS, BUT I GUESS

OUR MICROPHONES WERE STILL ON.

[ ZIPPER OPENS ] [ CROWD SHOUTING ]

THREE BEAUTIES, ONLY TWO ROSE PETALS LEFT.

GLYCERINE...

I'M SORRY, BUT YOU ARE BANISHED FROM MY CASTLE.

>> [ SCOFFS ] SO?! SO?!

I'M GLAD I'M OFF THAT STUPID SHOW.

BEAST IS UGLY. I HOPE HE DIES.

I'M-A BE FAMOUS.

♪ OOH, GlycerineJohnson DOT BLOGSPOT DOT COM ♪

♪ GlycerineJohnson DOT BLOGSPOT DOT C-- ♪

WHAT THE -- GET AW-- OW!

DON'T Y'ALL KNOW WHO I AM?!

♪ GlycerineJohnson DOT BLOGSPOT DOT -- OW! ♪

>> ONLY ONE ROSE PETAL REMAINS.

IT CAN ONLY BELONG TO ONE OF YOU.

NEXT WEEK -- >> THE HELL WITH NEXT WEEK!

GIVE ME THAT ROSE NOW, BITCH!

>> NO! IT'S MINE!

>> BE CAREFUL WITH THE RO-- [ GASPS ]

THE LAST ROSE PETAL HAS FALLEN!

AND SO...I DIE.

>> TWINKLES! NO!

NOT AGAIN.

[ DRIP! ] [ TWINKLE! ]

>> ATLANTIS, YOU SAVED ME!

YOU ARE THE ONE!

>> [ GIGGLES ] I WON.

[ SMOOCHING ] >> SAY WHAT?

DAMN! HE'S A PRINCE?

[BLEEP] IF I WOULD HAVE KNOWN THAT, I

WOULD HAVE JUST SUCKED HIS BIG DICK.

[ WHOOSH! PLUNK! ] >> [ LAUGHS ]

THE PERFECT CRIME.

[ BREATHING HEAVILY, SOBBING ] EVERYONE! COME QUICK!

I-I-I THINK -- A-A-A HUNTER GOT J-J-J-JERRY!

[ SOBS ] JERRY!

[ THUNDER CRASHES ] >> OH, NO!

WE'LL NEVER BE ABLE TO FINISH BUILDING THIS BARN IN TIME!

>> WE GOT TO DO A LOT IN A SHORT TIME.

ONLY ONE MAN CAN HELP US.

>> Both: MONTAGE!

>> [ Jamaican accent ] HEY, MON!

WITH MONTAGE MAGIC, WE BUILD THAT BARN IN NO TIME!

BOOP-BOOP!

>> ♪ I'M WORKIN' ON MY TIME ♪ ♪ WHOA, OH ♪

♪ I'M WORKIN' ON MY TIME ♪ ♪ WHOA-- ♪

>> THAT'S SO GREAT!

THANK YOU, MONTAGE!

>> iAY, DIOS MíO!

iUN NIÑO ESTá ROBANDO MI TELEVISIóN!

>> HOLD ON, MA'AM.

YOU SEEM PRETTY UPPITY ABOUT SOMETHING, BUT I DON'T SPEAK

SPANISH!

>> NO PROBLEM, MON!

I'LL HELP YOU LEARN SPANISH IN NO TIME!

BOOP-BOOP!

>> ♪ IT'S 12 FEET FROM THE LIVING ROOM ♪

♪ A FEW MORE CHORDS FOR THE SONG, WE'LL BE DONE SOON ♪

♪ FIVE HOURS OF PEDALING ♪ ♪ A FEW MORE SONGS LIKE THIS

AND IT'LL BE SPRING ♪ >> iUN NIÑO ESTá ROBANDO MI

TELEVISIóN!

iNO!

>> SHE SAYS A KID'S STEALING HER TELEVISION!

>> OH, MON! COME ON! LET'S GO!

>> iOY, MI CASA ESTá CINCO MILLAS DE AQUí!

>> BOMBACLOTT SAY WHAT?

>> HER HOUSE IS FIVE MILES FROM HERE.

>> NO PROBLEM, MON! [ LAUGHS ] BOOP-BOOP!

>> ♪ NOW WE GOT A FAST CAR ♪ ♪ YOU CAN FAR BOTH WAYS ♪

[ SINGING INDISTINCTLY ] ♪ YOU CAN WIND UP WITH BIG

PAIN ♪ >> WOW!

THAT ONLY TOOK 10 SECONDS!

>> iOH! iMI TELEVISIóN!

>> HEY, MON, DROP THE TELEVISION!

>> NO.

>> THEN GET READY TO HAVE ALZHEIMER'S, MON!

BOOP-BOOP!

>> ♪ BOO-BOO-BOO ♪ ♪ BOO-BOO-BOO-BOO ♪

♪ BOO-BOO-BOO ♪ ♪ BOO-BOO ♪

♪ BOO-BOO-BOO ♪ ♪ BOO-BOO-BOO-BOO-BOO ♪

♪ BOO-BOO-BOO ♪ ♪ BOO-BOO ♪

>> OHH! MY BACK!

>> iOH, GRACIAS, MONTAGE!

>> NOW I'M OFF TO GIVE MOUSY-LOOKING GIRLS MAKEOVERS

JUST IN TIME FOR THE PROM!

>> NOT SO FAST, MONTAGE!

>> OH, NO!

IT'S MY EVIL NEMESIS, END-CREDITS MON!

QUICKLY, LET'S ALL GET OUT OF HERE BEFORE HE --

>> ♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK ♪ ♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK ♪

♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK-A-WAWK WAWK BAWK BAWK ♪

♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK ♪ ♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK ♪

♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK-A-WAWK WAWK BAWK BAWK ♪

♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK ♪ ♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK ♪

♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK-A-WAWK WAWK BAWK BAWK ♪

BA-GAWK! BAWK.