Original subtitles

[ THUNDER CRASHING ] [ DRILLING, SAWING ]

[ ELECTRICITY CRACKLING ] >> IT'S ALIVE!

[ ELECTRICITY CRACKLING ] >> IT'S ALIVE!

>> NO, NO, NO, NO.

Y-YOU HAVE TO BREAK THAT UP FIRST.

>> WHAT? WHY?

>> THOSE PLASTIC THINGS KILL TURTLES.

>> OH, GOSH. RIGHT. OKAY.

[ Mockingly ] OH, DON'T KILL THE TURTLES.

[ HEAVY-METAL MUSIC PLAYS ] >> GRR!

[ HEAVY-METAL MUSIC PLAYS ] >> GRR!

[ BOTH GRUNTING ] >> [ GAGGING ]

[ BOTH GRUNTING ] >> [ GAGGING ]

>> OUR CEREAL SALES ARE WAY DOWN.

WHAT DO WE DO?

>> I'VE GOT FOUR WORDS FOR YOU -- SUGAR INTERNET VIRAL

VIDEO -- AND SOME PUNCTUATION -- EXCLAMATION POINT!

[ PIANO PLAYING ] >> ♪ OHHHHHH ♪

♪ CHOCOLATE GRAIN ♪ ♪ BITS OF CORN, MARSHMALLOWS,

OTHER STUFF ♪ ♪ CHOCOLATE GRAIN ♪

♪ FIVE TIMES MORE SUGAR THAN CHOCO-PUFFS ♪

♪ CHOCOLATE GRAIN ♪ ♪ TELL YOUR PARENTS IT'S WHAT

THEY SHOULD BUY ♪ ♪ CHOCOLATE GRAIN ♪

♪ SO MUCH SUGAR, YOU'LL GET CRAZY HIGH ♪

♪ CHOCOLATE GRAIN ♪ ♪ IF YOU HAVE DIABETES, STAY

AWAY ♪ ♪ CHOCOLATE GRAIN ♪

♪ THAT'S SOMETHING THAT OUR LAWYERS MADE US SAY ♪

♪ CHOCOLATE GRAIN ♪ ♪ THE AMOUNT OF SUGAR WILL DRIVE

YOU INSANE ♪ ♪ CHOCOLATE GRAIN ♪

♪ 100% SUGAR, ZERO GRAIN ♪ >> SALES FOR COCOA VAMPIRE ARE

THROUGH THE ROOF!

WHAT ELSE YOU GOT?

>> WELL, FOR FRUIT MONSTER, HOW ABOUT A VIDEO CALLED

"TWO BERRIES, ONE CUP"?

I PUT TOGETHER A ROUGH DEMO.

ROLL IT!

>> [ LAUGHTER ] [ SQUISHING ]

>> [ GAGS ] >> [ VOMITING ]

>> THERE YOU GO.

>> SIR, THIS ISN'T A SPERM BANK.

IT'S A BLOOD BANK.

>> THEN HOW DID YOU EXPECT ME TO FILL THE CUP?

>> I FOLLOWED YOU TO THIS HOT-CHOCOLATE FACTORY, TWO-FACE.

AND THIS TIME, I'M BRINGING YOU DOWN.

>> NOT SO FAST, BATMAN.

YOUR FATE LIES IN A FLIP OF THIS COIN.

HEADS, YOU LIVE.

TAILS, YOU DIE.

OH, DEATH.

[ SIZZLE ] >> AAH!

>> I'M SORRY, HARVEY.

>> DON'T CALL ME HARVEY.

CALL ME BY MY NEW NAME.

THREE-FACE!

THIS IS MY THREE-SIDED DIE.

ONE, YOU LIVE.

TWO, YOU DIE.

THREE, WE DRINK HOT CHOCOLATE TOGETHER.

AHA.

LOOKS LIKE YOU'RE GONNA THREE-SIDED DIE!

WATCH OUT FOR THAT BLEACH!

THREE-FACE, I'M REALLY SORRY ABOUT THE HOSPITAL.

>> CALL ME BY MY REAL NAME -- FOUR-FACE!

I'M HOLDING FOUR STRAWS IN MY HAND.

IF YOU CHOOSE THE SHORTEST ONE, YOU DIE.

IF YOU CHOOSE THE LONGEST ONE, YOU LIVE.

THE OTHER TWO WILL DETERMINE WHETHER OR NOT I THROW BLEACH ON

YOUR COSTUME OR WE DRINK HOT CHOCOLATE TOGETHER.

>> ALL RIGHT, FOUR-FACE.

I'LL PLAY YOUR GAME.

>> [ SLURPING ] OH. OOH.

THIS IS REALLY GOOD HOT CHOCOLATE.

>> [ SIGHS ] THE SOUP'S NOT BAD, EITHER.

>> OH, YEAH? CAN I TRY SOME?

>> WAIT, HARVEY, NO!

[ SIZZLES ] >> AAH!

[ DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS ] [ CAMERA SHUTTERS CLICKING ]

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >> 20 YEARS OF SERVICE.

>> SINCE YOU'RE A CHEF AND BLACK, WE GOT YOU THIS CHOCOLATE

STATUE.

>> THE BEST GIFT OF ALL IS YOUR SMILING FACES.

BUT THANKS FOR THE GIFT THAT'S MILDLY RACIST.

[ ALL CHEERING ] >> [ SIGHS ]

WHAT'S GOING ON?

>> I THINK YOUR STUPID DOG ATE ROADBLOCK'S STATUE.

>> [ LAUGHS ] DOGS CAN'T EAT CHOCOLATE.

>> [ FARTS ] [ WHIMPERS ]

>> OH, NO.

>> NEITHER DEATH NOR LIFE NOR ANGELS NOR POWERS NOR HEIGHT NOR

COBRA NOR ANYTHING ELSE IN ALL CREATION WILL BE ABLE TO

SEPARATE US FROM THE LOVE OF GOD IN CHRIST JESUS, OUR LORD.

>> All: YO, JOE.

>> OH, THANK YOU, DUKE.

[ Crying ] THAT WAS REAL -- REAL -- REAL PRETTY.

>> COME ON, MUTT!

LET'S GET JUNKYARD'S ASHES SPREAD.

WHAT DO YOU SAY?

>> YEAH.

YEAH, J-JUNKYARD ALWAYS LOVED RUNNING ON THE BEACH.

[ SOBS ] JUNKYARD!

>> OH!

>> OH, SORRY, BOSS!

I THOUGHT THAT'D GO WAY DIFFERENT!

>> WELL, ANYWAY, IT'S NOW WITH GREAT PRIDE THAT WE ADD

JUNKYARD'S NAME TO G.I. JOE'S WALL OF FALLEN HEROES.

[ WIND WHISTLING ] [ Laughing ] WOW!

HOO!

ONLY ONE NAME?

HEY, DIDN'T LIFT-TICKET GET SHOT DOWN LAST YEAR?

>> I PARACHUTED TO SAFETY!

>> OH, RIGHT. RIGHT.

DARN.

I SWEAR SOMEONE GOT SHOT BY A LASER, THOUGH.

DIDN'T ANYBODY GET SHOT BY A LASER?!

ANYBODY?!

SHOT?

HUH.

WELL, I BET COBRA'S WALL'S FREAKIN' FULL OF NAMES!

AM I RIGHT, JOES?!

>> All: YO, JOE!

>> HMM.

MM-HMM.

[ SIGHS ] AH, WE NEED MORE NAMES!

YOU! WHAT'S YOUR NAME?!

>> WILSON, SIR!

>> AND THERE'S ONE FOR THE WALL.

>> DON'T WORRY.

I-I'M OKAY!

I'M JUST A LITTLE -- >> POW!

[ CHUCKLES ] >> JETSON!

DID YOU FINISH THAT REPORT?

>> RIGHT HERE IN MY BRIEFCASE, MR. SPACELY.

[ PEOPLE SCREAMING ] >> JETSON!

>> WHO WANTS A RIBBED POODLE?

>> YOU SAW THEM IN "SISTERHOOD OF THE TRAVELING PANTS" AND

"SISTERHOOD OF THE TRAVELING PANTS 2."

NOW IN A BREAKOUT ROLE, THE TRAVELING PANTS STAR IN

"ZIP IT UP!" HE'S A CITY COP, AND HIS NEW

PARTNER, BRUCE WILLIS, DOESN'T LIKE PANTS.

>> A PAIR OF PANTS KILLED MY UNCLE.

>> AND THEY'VE GOT TO TAKE DOWN A SWEATSHOP SYNDICATE TOGETHER.

[ WOMEN GASPING ] >> YAH!

>> AAH!

[ GUNSHOTS ] >> AND IN THE END --

[ GUNSHOTS ] >> HEY.

[ GUNSHOT ] >> AND IN THE END, THEY'LL MAKE

A PERFECT PAIR.

>> IT'S A GOOD FIT.

>> GET READY TO TRAVEL ON THE JOURNEY OF A LIFETIME, AND BE

SURE TO COME IN YOUR PANTS.

>> [ SNEEZES ] >> GOD BLESS YOU.

>> AAH! DARN IT!

>> OUR "DARK CRYSTAL" SEQUEL IS DOOMED!

>> WELL, IT'S BEEN IN DEVELOPMENT HELL FOR YEARS.

NOW THEATERS DON'T EVEN WANT IT.

>> WE NEED A BRAND-NEW TAKE, SOMETHING THAT REALLY TRICKS

KIDS INTO THINKING THEY WANT TO SEE A MOVIE ABOUT PUPPETS.

>> YO, WHAT'S UP, EVERYBODY!

THIS IS LIL' JEN, A.K.A.

M.C. GELFLING!

I'M ABOUT TO TAKE YOU ON A LITTLE JOURNEY.

RAISE UP YOUR GLASSES, Y'ALL, AND GET READY FOR THE STORY OF

THE DARK CRISTAL.

♪ [ Rapping ] ONCE UPON A TIME IN THE DISTANT LAND OF THRA ♪

♪ THERE WAS A HUGE-ASS, SUPERSIZED BOTTLE OF CRISTAL ♪

♪ LIVING UNDER THREE SUNS, ALL THE PEEPS WERE HAVING FUN ♪

♪ THEY WERE CLINKIN' AND DRINKIN', CRISTAL FOR EVERYONE ♪

♪ BUT THEN THERE WAS A DRIVE-BY ♪

♪ OH, SNAP, HIT THE DECK ♪ ♪ IT WAS AN SKEKSIS IN A LEXUS

WITH A TEK, BOTTLE GOT WRECKED ♪ ♪ IT SPLIT TWO DIFFERENT RACES

TO TWO DIFFERENT PLACES ♪ ♪ THE SKEKSIS HEADED WEST WITH

THEIR CREEPY DEAD-BIRD FACES ♪ [ VULTURE CRIES ]

♪ THE urRu WAITED ON THE EAST COAST FOR ALL THE HELP TO COME ♪

♪ THEY WERE A BUNCH OF MYSTICS WHO LIKE TO SIT AROUND AND ♪

>> ♪ HUM ♪ [ ALL HUMMING ]

>> AH, YEAH.

THAT SOUND GOOD RIGHT THERE.

♪ IN STEPPED THE PROPHECY ♪ ♪ THERE'S NO STOPPING ME ♪

♪ GELFLING'S GONNA HELP THINGS ♪ ♪ PRETTY SOON, WE'LL BE POPPING

C-R-I-S TO THE T-A-L ♪ ♪ FULL THROTTLE, FIX THE BOTTLE

AND THEN BREAK THAT SPELL ♪ ♪ THE WHOLE WORLD IS UGLY ♪

♪ NO ONE SIPPING ON BUBBLY ♪ ♪ WANT TO GET BUSY ♪

♪ PUT ON THE FIZZY ♪ ♪ THE LADIES WON'T LOVE ME ♪

♪ I GOT TO SAVE THE LAND OF THRA ♪

♪ I HEAR A FAR AND DISTANT CALL ♪

♪ GONNA WRECK ME SOME SKEKSIS ♪ ♪ AND GO GET THAT CRISTAL ♪

♪ I WENT TO AUGHRA AND GOT THAT CRACKED-UP SHARD OF CRISTAL ♪

WHOA!

♪ THEN I MET KIRA AND FIZZGIG ♪ ♪ HE WAS A LITTLE FUZZY BALL ♪

>> WHAT'S UP, Y'ALL?!

>> ♪ JUMPED ON A LANDSTRIDER, ROLLED TO THE CASTLE ♪

♪ FACED OFF WITH THE SKEKSIS ♪ ♪ MAN, THOSE DUDES ARE CRAZY

ASSHOLES ♪ ♪ I PUT THE CRACKED SHARD OF THE

BOTTLE BACK INTO THE RIGHT SPOT ♪

♪ NOW THE EAST AND WEST COAST GOT BACK TOGETHER, AND THIS

JOINT IS [BLEEP] HOT ♪ ♪ YEAH, THIS PARTY'S A BLAST ♪

♪ CRISTAL'S FLOWING FAST ♪ ♪ I'M THINKING I WANT TO GET UP

IN KIRA'S ASS ♪ ♪ WE'RE ALL HAVING A BALL ♪

♪ THERE WON'T BE NO LAST CALL ♪ ♪ WEST AND EAST

SQUASHED THE BEEF ♪ ♪ THEY'RE ALL DRINKING CRISTAL ♪

♪ BUT PEOPLE STILL COMING, AND THE MYSTICS STILL HUMMING ♪

♪ THEY GO ♪ [ ALL HUMMING ]

[ CHUCKLES ] >> ♪ THAT'S THE END OF THE DARK

CRISTAL ♪ >> HOs!

>> WELL, WE FAILED YOU, JIM.

[ BOTH GULP ] [ BOTH GAGGING ]

>> SWEET RELIEF!

>> ♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK ♪ ♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK ♪

♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK-A-WAWK WAWK BAWK BAWK ♪

♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK ♪ ♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK ♪

♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK-A-WAWK WAWK BAWK BAWK ♪

♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK ♪ ♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK ♪

♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK-A-WAWK WAWK BAWK BAWK ♪

BA-GAWK! BAWK.

>> YEAH! CHOCOLATE TASTES GREAT!

>> SPARKY WANTS SOME, TOO!

>> NO!

CHOCOLATE CONTAINS THEOBROMINE, WHICH IS TOXIC TO DOGS!

>> BUT SPARKY SEEMS FINE.

HE WANTS SOME MORE.

>> WELL, THIS ISN'T CHOCOLATE.

THIS IS CAROB.

[ BOTH GASP ] >> HUH?!

>> YOUR DOG'S FINE, BUT YOUR MOM IS A FILTHY HIPPIE.

>> NOW WE KNOW!

>> WHATEVER.

>> ♪ G.I. JOE ♪