Original subtitles

[ THUNDER CRASHING ] [ DRILLING, SAWING ]

[ ELECTRICITY CRACKLING ] >> IT'S ALIVE!

[ ELECTRICITY CRACKLING ] >> IT'S ALIVE!

[ ELECTRICITY CRACKLING ] >> IT'S ALIVE!

>> [ HUMMING ] UGH! OH!

I'M SUCH AN IDIOT!

I'M MELTING!

MELTING!

>> SORRY, GUYS. WE'RE FULL UP.

[ TECHNO MUSIC PLAYS ] >> OH, COME ON!

[ TIRES SCREECH ] [ COMPUTER BEEPING ]

[ ENGINE REVS ] [ TIRES SCREECH ]

[ ENGINE REVS ] >> UGH!

[ GLASS SHATTERS ] >> OH, GLASS.

DAMN IT!

[ GRUNTING ] UGH!

[ CLANG! ] [ PANTING ]

[ GRUNTS ] UGH!

>> YOU CAN'T BE SERIOUS.

>> SCANDAL!

WORLD WILDLIFE FUND MANAGERS DISCOVERED TODAY THE FUND HAS

BEEN COMPLETELY EMPTIED.

WHERE DID THE MONEY?

ACCOUNTANTS ARE STRUGGLING TO SOLVE THE MYSTERY.

[ DANCE MUSIC PLAYING ] >> [ GASPS ]

[ MUSIC STOPS ] [ CHIMPS CHATTERING ]

[ CHIMP SHRIEKS ] [ DANCE MUSIC PLAYING ]

>> $45,000 GOING ONCE, $45,000 GOING TWICE, AND SOLD TO THE

BIDDER IN THE REAR!

[ ELEPHANT TRUMPETS ] >> OH, MY GOD!

[ INDISTINCT SHOUTING ] [ DANCE MUSIC PLAYS ]

[ CHIMPS SHRIEKING ] >> THERE YOU GO, BILL GATES.

>> OKAY, BILL GATES, THE KIDS FROM NSYNC, RICHARD BRANSON, AND

WHAT I GUESS IS MICHAEL JACKSON ARE ALREADY ABOARD THE WORLD'S

FIRST SPACE BILLIONAIRES FLIGHT.

ANYONE MISSING?

>> UM...THE CHINESE GUY, LING-LING.

OH, THIS MUST BE HIM.

[ GLASS SHATTERS ] [ DANCE MUSIC PLAYS ]

[ PEOPLE CHEERING ] >> ALL RIGHT, LET'S DO THIS.

>> COME ON. TRY.

>> AHOY. THAR BE BOOBIES.

>> YOU'RE RUINING IT!

I WANT YOU TO TAKE ME, LIKE CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW.

>> I THOUGHT THAT CHARACTER WAS A CHICK.

>> THIS IS MY FANTASY.

TRY TO BE REALISTIC.

[ HARP PLAYS ] >> [ Cockney accent ] ARE YOU

READY TO BE RAVAGED, ME LADY?

>> IT IS QUITE HUMID SOUTH OF THE EQUATOR, MY CAPTAIN.

>> OH, OH, DON'T MIND THE LITTLE STOWAWAYS, MY DARLING.

>> EW. LICE?

>> NO PANTENE ON THE SEVEN SEAS!

>> [ SPITS ] OH, MY GOD!

>> I'VE BEEN BRUSHING MY TEETH WITH RUM AND BRINE FOR CLOSE TO

20 YEARS, MY LITTLE SIREN.

PAY IT NO MIND.

>> I DON'T KNOW IF I'M READY FOR THIS.

>> THEN I SHOULD WARN YOU.

I HAVEN'T A MEMORY OF ME LAST WASH.

YOU MIGHT FIND MY BALLS HAVE THE SCENT OF VINEGAR FERMENTING IN

FETA CHEESE.

>> UGH! OH!

I C-- I CAN'T. I CAN'T.

>> WAIT, MY DEAR.

IT'S HARD TO GIVE CHASE, WHAT WITH THE HORRIFIC AND

DEBILITATING RICKETS THAT AFFECTED OCEAN-BOUND TRAVELERS

OF THAT TIME!

>> YOU KNOW WHAT?

IF YOU'RE NOT GONNA TAKE THIS SERIOUS, THEN WE'RE NOT GONNA DO

IT.

>> [ Normal voice ] WHAT?!

YOU SAID BE REALISTIC!

>> SIR, THE WHOLE BOAT IS RIGGED TO EXPLODE.

AND I FOUND THIS.

>> GREETINGS FROM THE JOKER!

WHY SO SERIOUS?

ANYWAY, WE HAVE A BOAT OF CIVILIANS AND A BOAT OF PRISON

INMATES.

I WILL BLOW UP BOTH BOATS AT MIDNIGHT!

>> OH, MY GOD!

>> HOWEVER, EACH BOAT HAS A DETONATOR THAT WILL BLOW UP THE

OPPOSITE BOAT.

IF ONE BOAT DECIDES TO BLOW UP THE OTHER BOAT PRIOR TO

MIDNIGHT, I WILL NOT BLOW UP THE BOAT THAT BLOWS UP THE OTHER

BOAT.

IT'S QUITE THE MORAL QUANDARY, IS IT NOT?

>> T-THEN LET'S VOTE ON NEITHER BOAT BLOWING UP.

>> NO, HE SAYS WE DECIDE!

>> THEN I DECIDE NEITHER BOAT BLOWS UP!

>> WAIT, WAIT. SO WE VOTE?

>> NO, WE -- WE JUST PRESS THE BUTTON, I THINK.

>> I DON'T UNDERSTAND!

WHAT DOES THIS PROVE EXACTLY?

>> UH, MR. JOKER, SIR?

WE CAME TO A CONSENSUS.

WE VOTE THAT NEITHER BOAT SHOULD BLOW UP.

>> YEAH!

>> VERY GOOD.

>> THAT'S MY VOTE.

>> THAT'S NOT A CHOICE!

>> UH, YOU BETTER EXPLAIN IT AGAIN, THEN, I GUESS.

>> [ SIGHS ] I WILL BLOW UP BOTH THE BOATS.

>> MY GOD!

>> UNLESS -- UNLESS ONE BOAT BLOWS UP THE OTHER BOAT FIRST.

>> UH, W-WHAT ARE THE OTHER OPTIONS?

>> THERE ARE NO OTHER OPTIONS.

>> ASK HIM WHEN BOTH BOATS BLOW UP.

>> MIDNIGHT! MIDNIGHT! MIDNIGHT!

>> ALL RIGHT, FOLKS, THAT GIVES US A GOOD 15 MINUTES.

EVERYONE INTO THE LIFEBOATS.

>> NO! NO LIFEBOATS!

I SAID THAT YOU COULDN'T USE THEM!

>> YOU NEVER SAID THAT!

>> I DID!

WAY BACK IN THE BEGINNING!

>> YOU'D BETTER GO OVER THE RULES AGAIN.

>> OH, FOR -- IT'S A CATCH-22!

LOOK, THERE ARE TWO BOATS!

AT MIDNIGHT -- >> GOOD DAY, SIR.

>> AND GOOD DAY TO YOU.

>> YES. LET'S BEGIN.

>> Both: HA!

[ BIRDS' WINGS FLAPPING ] >> UH...

>> HMM...

>> OH.

>> OH.

[ BOTH MUTTERING ] >> Both: HA!

>> DAMN IT!

[ BOTH MUTTERING ] >> THE MECHANISM.

>> Both: HA!

>> [ GRUNTS ] >> [ GRUNTS ]

>> [ PANTING ] [ CLEARS THROAT ]

WELL, UH...

GOOD EFFORT, SIR.

>> WELL DONE. WELL DONE.

>> [ LAUGHS ] NOBODY CAN STOP ME!

I'M GONNA KILL YOU ALL!

>> WON'T ANYONE SAVE US?!

[ GASPS ] DR. MANHATTAN!

[ ELECTRICITY CRACKLING ] [ ZAP! ]

>> YOU ARE SAFE NOW.

>> MM! THANKS!

[ LAUGHS ] OOH. YEAH.

>> SAFE NOW.

>> [ CLEARS THROAT ] >> HELLO?!

TeenDream94?

YOU HERE?

>> WHY DON'T YOU HAVE A SEAT, MR. GOLDSCHMIDT?

>> WHAT -- WHO ARE YOU?

>> CHRIS HANSEN, "DATELINE NBC."

>> OH.

WELL, GOOD FOR YOU.

WHERE'S TeenDream94?

>> THERE IS NO TeenDream94.

IT WAS A STING OPERATION.

>> WHAT THE HELL?

ARE YOU SERIOUS?!

I TOOK A DAY OFF OF WORK FOR THIS!

AND I BLEW, LIKE, HALF A TANK OF GAS DRIVING OVER HERE!

YOU IDIOTS BETTER REIMBURSE ME!

>> WHAT?

Y-YOU MUST BE JOKING.

>> I'M A LAWYER, PAL!

I'M SUING YOU FOR FRAUD!

BY THE TIME I'M DONE, I'M GONNA OWN NBC UNIVERSAL!

>> IN THE CASE OF GOLDSCHMIDT vs. HANSEN, NBC NEWS, AND

NBC UNIVERSAL, JURY FINDS IN FAVOR OF THE PREDATOR.

>> WHAT?!

[ HORN HONKS ] [ TIRES SCREECH ]

>> HEY, HANSEN!

LIKE THE NEW RIDE?

>> THAT'S MY ESCALADE!

>> HI, DAD!

>> BOBBY?!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN THERE?

>> JUST GIVING YOUR TEENAGE SON A LIFT TO SOCCER PRACTICE.

WE'LL PROBABLY TAKE THE LONG WAY HOME.

DON'T WAIT UP!

[ TIRES SCREECH ] >> [ SCREAMS ]

>> AS YOU KNOW, I'M NOW MAJORITY SHAREHOLDER OF NBC UNIVERSAL.

THAT MEANS A CHANGE IN PHILOSOPHY.

LET'S SEE SOME PREDATOR-FRIENDLY PROGRAMMING.

ON "FRIDAY NIGHT LIGHTS," WE'RE GONNA BE SPENDING A LOT MORE

TIME IN THE LOCKER ROOM.

A LOT MORE TIME!

>> I'VE GOT FOUR WORDS FOR YOU, MR. GOLDSCHMIDT -- SWEATY...

TEEN....

BOY...

OLYMPICS.

>> "LAW & ORDER: SPECIAL VICTIMS UNIT" WILL NOW

BE MORE OF A COMEDY.

[ BUZZ ] >> SORRY, I'M NEEDED IN THE

INTERN HAREM.

LET'S RECONVENE IN 30.

>> I REALLY DON'T LIKE WORKING HERE ANYMORE.

>> I DO!

I'M THE EXECUTIVE WHO SECRETLY KNOCKED UP JAMIE LYNN.

BEST JOB EVER!

[ TOILET FLUSHES ] >> HEY. HERE WE GO.

>> BAD NEWS, FELLOW ADVENTURERS.

BARRY HAS BAILED.

>> BUT BARRY IS OUR DUNGEON MASTER!

WHAT COULD BE MORE IMPORTANT?!

>> HE SAID HE HAS A DATE.

[ LAUGHS ] AS IF!

I MEAN, WHO WOULD DATE BARRY?!

>> BACK TO "A SHOT AT LOVE WITH TILA TEQUILA."

>> CHOOSE ME, TILA.

CHOOSE ME! CHOOSE ME!

CHOOSE ME! CHOOSE ME!

CHOOSE ME!

>> THIS IS MY BIG CHANCE.

LUCKILY I HAVE BEEN SAVING AN ADVENTURE -- A MASTERPIECE

MONTHS IN THE DESIGN AND PLANNING -- FOR JUST SUCH AN

OCCASION!

>> [ GASPS ] AWESOME!

>> HERE GOES.

"YOU FIND YOURSELVES IN A DARK, MYSTERIOUS DUNGEON!"

>> OH, REAL ORIGINAL.

LET ME GUESS.

THERE'S ALSO A DRAGON IN THERE?

>> UH! UH, OF COURSE NOT!

NO, THAT'S RIDICULOUS!

A DRAGON?

WHAT I MEANT TO SAY IS YOU FIND YOURSELVES IN A DARK,

MYSTERIOUS, UH, MEGA DUNGEON!

>> WHAT?!

>> NO WAY!

>> FOR THIS ADVENTURE, I SELECT MY ELVEN SPELLTHIEF.

WAIT!

MY ELVEN BODYBUILDER SPELLTHIEF!

>> I CHOOSE MY GOBLIN FASHION MODEL.

SHE HAS A RECORDING CONTRACT AND A RECURRING ROLE IN A GOBLIN

PRIME-TIME DRAMA.

>> ARE THOSE BOOBS REAL OR AN ELABORATE ILLUSION SPELL?

TO FIND OUT, I ROLL FOR "GROPE"!

OOH, 11, A VERY SEXY NUMBER.

[ LAUGHS ] >> I CAST "TESTICULAR RUPTURE!"

>> OHH! FIRE CROTCH!

>> YOU ARE ATTACKED BY A GRUE!

[ GRUE ROARS ] >> I FIRE AN ARROW!

>> ARROWS ARE NO GOOD AGAINST HIS LEATHERY HIDE!

>> NO! NO!

>> YEAH, BABY!

INTRODUCING KING KICKASS!

♪ EVERYONE WHO PLAYS THIS QUEER GAME HAS TWO VAGINAS ♪

♪ YEAH ♪ THREE, TWO, ONE, AWESOME!

[ ZAP! ] >> GET OUT OF HERE, MUNSON!

>> YOUR ELF APPEARS TO HAVE POPPED A BONER WHEN HE WITNESSED

THE ABS OF KING KICKASS!

>> HE DID NOT!

YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW TO PLAY!

>> ACTUALLY, HIS CHARACTER SHEET APPEARS TO BE IN ORDER.

>> UM, WELL, WE DO NEED ANOTHER PLAYER.

>> UGH!

[ PANTING ] FINE!

>> YOU NOW ENTER THE INNER SANCTUM!

YOUR GOAL IS FINALLY IN SIGHT -- A TREASURE CHEST!

>> PBHT, PREDICTABLE.

>> HOWEVER, THE TREASURE CHEST IS GUARDED BY AN OWLBEAR!

IT COMMANDS AN ARMY OF MONKEYBEES!

HMM, SHAKING THE DUST OFF A FEW RELICS, I SEE.

SORRY, DUNGEON MASTER, BUT THOSE RIDICULOUS BEES CAN'T MATCH UP

TO A TEAM OF, UH...

UH -- [ OWLBEAR ROARING ]

WHERE DID STACEY AND MUNSON GO?!

>> MUNSON SAID SOMETHING ABOUT BANGING FINGERS IN YOUR PARENTS'

BEDROOM.

SHALL WE WATCH "TILA TEQUILA"?

>> YES. WANT TO BORROW A SOCK?

>> YES.

>> ♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK ♪ ♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK ♪

♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK-A-WAWK WAWK BAWK BAWK ♪

♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK ♪ ♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK ♪

♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK-A-WAWK WAWK BAWK BAWK ♪

♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK ♪ ♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK ♪

♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK-A-WAWK WAWK BAWK BAWK ♪

BA-GAWK! BAWK.