Original subtitles

[ THUNDER CRASHING ] [ DRILLING, SAWING ]

[ ELECTRICITY CRACKLING ] >> IT'S ALIVE!

[ ELECTRICITY CRACKLING ] >> IT'S ALIVE!

>> SHOW YOURSELF, DRACULA, OR I'LL TEAR CASTLEVANIA FROM ITS

VERY FOUNDATION.

>> DRACULA'S LEAST OF YOUR WORRIES, SIMON BELMONT.

>> [ HOWLING ] >> Both: [ LAUGHING ]

>> A WHIP?!

I HOPE YOU BROUGHT SOMETHING MORE POWERFUL.

OW! OW! OW!

HOLY CROW, THAT HURT!

I CAN'T FEEL MY DAMN FINGERS!

>> TAKE ME TO YOUR MASTER!

>> OKAY, DAMN, JUST TAKE IT EASY WITH THE WHIP!

>> I DON'T THINK MY HAND WORKS ANYMORE.

I CAN'T EVEN MAKE A FIST.

>> DON'T YOU REALIZE HOW LOUD THAT IS?!

>> SO, WE MEET AGAIN, BELMONT.

DO YOU KNOW YOUR FATHER DIED IN EXACTLY THAT SPOT?

OOH, WHAT'S THAT, A WHIP?

[ LAUGHS ] OOH, OOH, YOU HIT THE TIT.

AAH! YOU SON OF A BITCH!

OW, THE TIT.

OH, I'M THE MASTER.

I DON'T HAVE TO STAND FOR THIS.

[ LAUGHS ] OH!

OW! OOH! AAH!

>> WHAT KIND OF A SADIST USES A WHIP?

>> COULD BE A FETISH.

>> OW! OW! OW!

>> OH!

REGGIE.

>> HERE YOU GO, JUDGE.

>> [ CLEARS THROAT ] THANK YOU, REGGIE.

[ GRUNTS ] YEAH. [ LAUGHS ]

>> A-A-A-A-ND...

KILLED BY A FAIRY.

[ EVIL LAUGHTER ] ♪ GOOGLE'S MY FRIEND, AND IT'S

NOT JUST FOR PORNO ♪ ♪ IT ALSO GETS ME ♪

♪ CHEAT CODES ♪ AHH, SWEET CHEAT CODES.

[ BEEPING ] [ ALARM BLARING ]

>> WE'VE BEEN HACKED!

>> TRACE THE SIGNAL!

WE MUST OVERREACT IMMEDIATELY!

>> "CLICK HERE TO NUKE CANADA"?

[ EXPLOSION ] THAT DIDN'T DO ANYTHING.

>> GET DOWN!

GET ON THE GROUND NOW!

I WANT TO SEE YOUR HANDS RIGHT [BLEEP] NOW!

DON'T MOVE! GET DOWN!

>> I GOT IT!

>> UH...

OOH! HEY!

>> YOU WILL ANSWER OUR QUESTION.

WHO IS CODE NAME HIGH PRIESTESS?

>> THE HIGH PRIESTESS IS EQUIVALENT TO A FOURTH-LEVEL

AGENT OR MORDOR.

>> MORDOR. AND WHERE IS THAT?

>> EAST OF GONDOR, I BELIEVE.

>> WATERBOARD.

>> WATERBOARD -- WHAT IS THAT?

[ GURGLING ] >> WHERE IS MORDOR?!

>> SOUTH OF THE ASH MOUNTAIN!

>> WHERE?!

>> NORTH OF THE SEA OF NúRNEN!

[ GURGLES ] >> WHERE?!

WHERE?!

>> [ SQUEALING ] [ Voice breaking ] WHAT DO YOU

WANT ME TO SAY?!

>> PAKISTAN.

>> PAKISTAN!

MORDOR'S IN PAKISTAN!

PLEASE, THERE MUST BE A MISTAKE.

I JUST WANTED TO BE A HIGH PRIESTESS.

>> OH, DON'T WORRY.

YOU WILL BE.

>> DANG IT!

>> YEAH!

>> All: ♪ START SHARING ♪ >> I LIKE SHARING.

>> YAY, EVERYBODY! SHARING!

THAT'S THE WAY YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO DO IT.

[ SLOW CLAPPING ] OH. HI, OLD GORDO.

HEY, EVERYONE, THIS IS MY COUSIN GORDON GEKKO.

GORDON IS A POWERFUL EXECUTIVE ON WALL STREET.

SO, WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT SHAR--

>> THE RICHEST 1% OF THIS COUNTRY OWNS HALF OUR COUNTRY'S

WEALTH -- $5 TRILLION.

>> $1 TRILLION.

[ LAUGHS ] $2 TRILL--

>> SHUT UP.

GREED, FOR LACK OF A BETTER WORD, IS GOOD.

GREED WORKS.

>> MY DAD SAYS BEING GREEDY IS BAD.

>> YOUR DAD WOULDN'T KNOW HOW TO POUR PISS OUT OF A BOOT IF THE

INSTRUCTIONS WERE ON THE HEEL.

IS KERMIT OVER HERE SHARING WITH YOU?

YOU THINK HE'S GETTING PAID THE SAME AMOUNT YOU ARE TO SIT HERE

AND SING SONGS ABOUT SHARING?

>> OKAY, GORDO. [ LAUGHS ] IT'S TIME TO GET BACK TO THE

OFFICE.

>> SEE THIS BUILDING BEHIND ME?

FIRST PLACE I EVER BOUGHT.

FLIPPED IT AND MADE 800,000 BUCKS.

IT WAS BETTER THAN SEX.

>> OKAY, WHO WANTS TO SHARE A HEALTHY AFTER-SCHOOL SNACK?

>> I WANT TO MAKE $800,000!

>> ME, TOO!

>> FIRST YOU HAVE TO QUIT DRESSING LIKE 9-YEAR-OLD KIDS.

LET'S GO BUY THESE [BLEEP] SOME LITTLE SUITS.

>> WELL, I GUESS THAT LESSON WAS BROUGHT TO YOU BY THE NUMBER

"DOUCHEBAG."

>> [ LAUGHS ] WE'LL BURN ATLANTA TO THE

GROUND!

>> YOUR CAUSE IS LOST, SOUTHERN FOOL.

>> I BELIEVE IN RHETT BUTLER.

HE'S THE ONLY CAUSE I KNOW.

SPLIT KICK!

>> JEAN-CLAUDE VAN DAMME!

>> WAR, WAR, WAR.

I'M SO BORED, I COULD SCREAM.

>> I ALWAYS HAD YOU PEGGED FOR A SCREAMER, SCARLETT O'HARA.

>> [ GRUNTS ] >> CYNTHIA ROTHROCK!

>> [ GASPS, SCREAMS ] [ GRUNTING ]

>> [ GASPS, SCREAMS ] [ GRUNTING ]

>> COME HERE!

THERE WE GO.

>> [ LAUGHING ] OW!

>> HURRY, HAROLD!

I'M IN THE MO-O-O-O-OD!

>> H-E-E-E-ERE I-I-I-I-I...

CO-O-O-O-O-ME.

GONNA TA-A-A-A-P THA-A-A-A-A-T.

>> OH, DAMN IT!

YOU KNOW, IT'S NOT LIKE PURPLE PANTS GROW ON TREES!

THERE'S ONLY ONE DILLARD'S THAT CARRIES THESE THAT'S ALL THE WAY

DOWNTOWN, AND NOW I HAVE TO -- [ ROARS ]

>> WE, THE SCIENTISTS OF THE WORLD, ARE SICK OF HEARING ABOUT

JET PACKS!

"OH, MR. SCIENTIST, WHERE'S MY JET PACK?

WE'VE BEEN WAITING SINCE THE 1950s.

WAH, WAH, WAH!" WELL, WE TRIED, OKAY?

[ ENGINE WHIRRING ] [ ENGINE WHIRRING ]

[ ENGINE WHIRRING ] [ ENGINE WHIRRING ]

>> [ SCREAMS ] [ ENGINE WHIRRING ]

>> SATISFIED?

NOW, PLEASE, LEAVE US ALONE SO WE CAN GET BACK TO MAKING YOUR

iPod SMALLER.

>> ♪ I'M PETROLEUM PETE, AND I CAN'T BE BEAT ♪

♪ AND I'M A BIG, OLD DINOSAUR ♪ ♪ SO WHEN YOU BUY GASOLINE ♪

♪ YOU'RE KEEPING MY MEMORY ALIVE ♪

♪ SO IF SOME VEGETARIAN TALKS TO YOU ABOUT ALTERNATIVE SOURCES OF

FUEL ♪ ♪ KICK HIM IN THE BALLS ♪

OR IF IT'S A WOMAN, IN THE TACO.

>> OW, MY TACO!

>> SO REMEMBER, KIDS, WE'RE LOCKED IN A DEATH STRUGGLE

AGAINST THE EARTH, WHICH HATES US.

WE DIDN'T DO ANYTHING, SO WE GOT TO DESTROY IT FIRST!

OH, LET'S BUILD A GAS-POWERED ROCKET AND FLY AWAY TO ANOTHER

PLANET WHERE DINOSAURS AND KIDS JUST RIDE MOTORCYCLES AND SHOOT

MACHINE GUNS AND SIT AROUND ALL DAY, PLAYING VIDEO GAMES IN THE

AIR-CONDITIONING AND NEVER GO TO GYM CLASS, MAN!

THANK YOU, OIL INDUSTRY!

[ BELL RINGS ] OH, HEY, WE FORGOT TO DESTROY

THE EARTH.

>> All: YAY!

>> ♪ I'M TURNING 16 ♪ >> HEY, BITCHES!

I'M ANNIE WARBUCKS.

WHEN I WAS AN ORPHAN, I DREAMED OF BEING RICH!

NOW THAT I AM, I DREAM OF SHOWING THOSE OTHER ORPHANS JUST

HOW [BLEEP] RICH I AM!

SO I'M THROWING A SUPER-BITCHING SWEET 16!

AS YOU CAN SEE, I LOVE RED, SO THAT'S THE THEME OF MY PARTY --

RED HAIR, RED DRESS, RED VODKA, AND FOR THE ENTERTAINMENT...

WHO THE [BLEEP] ARE SIMPLY RED?

>> I THOUGHT THEY'D FIT YOUR THEME, DARLING!

>> DON'T SCREW THIS UP, GEEZ.

OH, MY GOSH!

THIS PARTY IS GOING TO BE OFF THE HIZOOK!

SO I'M CREATING SUPER-SPECIAL INVITATIONS!

>> THANKS FOR THE INVITE, ANNIE.

>> UM, YOU DIDN'T GET AN INVITATION.

YOU ARE THE INVITATION.

ISN'T THAT CLEVER?

YOUR OWN LITTLE ORPHAN.

DADDY IS SO STUPID.

I TOLD HIM THAT FOR MY BIRTHDAY I WANTED THE TWO ROUND OBJECTS I

SEEM TO BE MISSING, AND HE GOT ME A BOOB JOB!

UNH-UNH, NO PEEKING.

THESE SUNS WILL COME OUT TOMORROW.

SO I TOOK DADDY TO THE CAR DEALERSHIP TO PICK OUT MY

BIRTHDAY GIFT.

>> WELL, ANNIE, HOW ABOUT A LITTLE RED CORVETTE?

>> I WANT A BIG RED CORVETTE!

>> OKAY.

>> WITH HUGE DIAMONDS FOR HEADLIGHTS!

>> SURE THING.

>> AND SOLID-GOLD SEATS!

>> OF COURSE, MY DEAR.

>> AND A...REALLY BIG...

>> BRING IT ON, BABY!

I'M DADDY [BLEEP] WARBUCKS!

>> [ GASPS ] THIS IS NOT RED VELVET CAKE!

HOW CAN YOU SUCK AT SO MANY JOBS WHEN IT'S IN YOUR NAME,

"PUN-JOB"?!

>> [BLEEP] THAT GIRL!

[ DANCE MUSIC PLAYS ] >> HAPPY BIRTHDAY, ANNIE!

>> I GOT MY HAIR STRAIGHTENED SO THAT JUST FOR, LIKE, ONCE I

DIDN'T LOOK LIKE A 75-YEAR-OLD RETIREE.

>> YOU'RE SO RIGHT.

YOU DID LOOK LIKE A 75-YEAR-OLD RETIREE.

[ MUSIC STOPS ] >> GET THE [BLEEP] OUT OF MY

PARTY!

[ MUSIC CONTINUES ] >> SHE WAS A BIG HIT ON THE RED

CARPET!

>> I SAW HER OTHER RED CARPET, MORE LIKE A WELCOME MAT.

>> MY PRESENT HAD BETTER BE HUGE, OLD MAN!

>> ANNIE, I'VE GOTTEN YOU THE BIGGEST, REDDEST GIFT MONEY CAN

BUY...

MARS!

[ CROWD CHEERS ] >> THIS HAS BEEN THE SWEETEST

SWEET 16 EVER!

UGH! MARS SUCKS!

[ BUZZING ] SANDY, IS THAT YOU?

WAIT! COME BACK!

[ GRUNTS ] [ SCREAMING ]

[ CRE-E-E-E-AK! ] >> ♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK ♪

♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK ♪ ♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK-A-WAWK WAWK

BAWK BAWK ♪ ♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK ♪

♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK ♪ ♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK-A-WAWK WAWK

BAWK BAWK ♪ ♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK ♪

♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK ♪ ♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK-A-WAWK WAWK

BAWK BAWK ♪ BA-GAWK! BAWK.

BAWK BAWK ♪ BA-GAWK! BAWK.