Original subtitles

[ THUNDER CRASHING ] [ DRILLING, SAWING ]

[ ELECTRICITY CRACKLING ] >> IT'S ALIVE!

[ ELECTRICITY CRACKLING ] >> IT'S ALIVE!

>> Good morning, Angels.

>> All: GOOD MORNING, CHARLIE.

>> Angels, do you know what I'm not wearing?

>> All: PANTS, CHARLIE.

>> How did you know that, Angels?

>> All: IT'S THE SAME THING EVERY DAY, CHARLIE.

>> So you know what I'm gonna do next, Angels.

>> All: YES.

WE'LL WAIT, CHARLIE.

>> [ YAWNS ] [ LAUGHTER ]

>> Both: WIZZAR!

>> [ LAUGHS ] >> OH, HOW I HATE THOSE

MONCHHICHIS.

>> WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO TO 'EM THIS TIME, BOSS?

>> WE SHOULD HIDE THEIR BANANAS.

>> WE SHOULD PUT GLUE ON THE FLOOR SO THEY'LL STEP IN IT!

>> NO!

NO MORE PENNY-ANTE BULL [BLEEP] TURNS OUT YOU CAN BUY THESE

ALMOST ANYWHERE.

>> OOH!

THAT'S BETTER THAN WHAT I HAD.

>> HA HA!

WE GOT YOU NOW, MONCHHICHIS.

>> NOW WHAT, YOU EVIL JERKS?

>> YOU CAN GO FREE...IF YOU MAKE IT TO THE OTHER SIDE!

>> WHAT'S IN THE WATER?

>> [ LAUGHS ] YOU'LL SOON FIND OUT.

[ MACHINE-GUN FIRE ] >> Wizzar, use your magic.

>> MY MAGIC'S NO MATCH FOR GETTING SHOT THROUGH THE BACK OF

THE HEAD, YOU LITTLE ASSHOLE.

[ LAUGHS ] >> HEY, WHERE'S MONCHO?

>> [ GROWLS ] >> RUN AWAY!

>> I JUST WANTED TO PUT GLUE -- UGH!

>> YOU MOTHER [BLEEP] MONCHHICHI!

I TASTE APPLESAUCE.

WHY DOES EVERYTHING TASTE LIKE -- UGH!

>> WELL, LET'S WALK OUT OF HERE.

>> [ CHUCKLES ] YOU FIRST.

>> WAIT!

>> UH, OKAY.

I GUESS THAT WAY IS SAFE, THEN.

>> STOP!

NOBODY MOVE!

>> [ SLURPS ] >> WAIT!

STOP!

>> [ CHATTERS ] >> GONKER!

>> [ CHATTER! CHATTER! ] >> WIZZAR, I'M GONNA GET YOU OUT

OF THERE, MAN!

>> NO!

IF I'M GONNA DIE, IT'S GOING TO BE ON MY TERMS!

[ ZAP! ] [ SPLAT! ]

>> N-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O!

>> HI.

WHAT'S YOUR NAME?

>> MONCHO.

>> THANKS FOR TAKING US DOWN THE RIVER.

NO ONE ELSE WOULD.

>> YOU WANT MY ADVICE?

GO HOME.

>> BUT WE'RE MAKING THE WORLD A BETTER PLACE.

>> [BLEEP] THE WORLD.

>> I'VE GOT GOOD NEWS AND BAD NEWS.

THE BAD NEWS IS YOU'VE GOT PROSTATE CANCER.

>> WHAT'S THE GOOD NEWS?

>> WELL, AS PART OF THE TREATMENT, YOU ARE IN FOR A LOT

OF ASS PLAY.

I MEAN, SO, IF YOU'RE INTO THAT, JACKPOT!

[ ALL SCREAMING ] >> MY FRIENDS!

MY FRIENDS!

OH, GOD, WHY DID I SURVIVE AND THEY DIDN'T?

OH-HO!

OH, MY FACE.

OH, YOU'RE SICK!

THIS IS A MADHOUSE!

THIS IS A MADHOUSE!!

>> CLASS, PROFESSOR SNAPE SUFFERED A MINOR...POTION

ACCIDENT...

[ BOING! ] >> NOT THE DESIRED EFFECT.

>> ...SO PLEASE WELCOME YOUR SUBSTITUTE TEACHER ALL THE WAY

FROM LAS VEGAS, THE PHENOMENON HIMSELF -- CRISS ANGEL!

>> HELLO, YOUNG MAGICIANS.

ARE YOU READY TO GET MINDFREAKED?!

MAGIC IS VERY SIMPLE WHEN YOU BALANCE YOUR MIND, BODY, AND

SPIRIT RIGHT ON THE RAZOR'S EDGE.

>> YES, BUT, SIR, WILL WE BE GOING OVER THE ANSWERS TO

YESTERDAY'S HOMEWORK?

>> HERE'S THE ONLY ANSWER YOU NEED, LITTLE LADY.

THERE ARE NO ANSWERS!

>> THAT TEXTBOOK WAS 65 POUNDS!

>> I'M SURE IT DIDN'T WEIGH ANYWHERE NEAR THAT MUCH.

[ INHALES SHARPLY ] MINDFREAK!

[ INDUSTRIAL MUSIC PLAYS ] [ AIR WHOOSHING ]

NOW, HOW'D I DO IT?

>> YOU USED A WIRE.

>> WIRE!

>> THERE'S A WIRE AND A PULLEY.

I SEE IT.

[ SQUEAKS ] >> WRONG.

I MERELY FREAKED YOUR MIND!

[ INDUSTRIAL MUSIC PLAYS ] FIELD TRIP.

>> WHERE DID TEACHER GO?

[ INDUSTRIAL MUSIC PLAYS ] [ HORSE NEIGHS ]

>> MINDFREAK!

THAT'S RIGHT, STUDENTS.

WHEN YOU NO LONGER FEAR THE EXTREME, YOU, TOO, CAN TAME

MYTHICAL BEASTS.

>> THAT'S NOT A UNICORN.

>> THAT'S LITERALLY A PONY YOU PAINTED WHITE.

>> YOU CLEARLY JUST HOT-GLUED THE HORN TO ITS HEAD.

>> IS THAT HOUSE PAINT?

>> IT'S A UNICORN.

UNICORNS EXIST. THEY'RE REAL.

>> WE KNOW THEY'RE REAL.

THERE'S ONE RIGHT OVER THERE.

>> OH, MAN, KIDS, I TOTALLY NEED THAT UNICORN FOR MY STAGE SHOW

AT THE LUXOR LAS VEGAS.

>> UNICORNS BELONG IN THE WILD.

>> I CAN SEE YOUR MINDS ARE NOT FULLY [CRASH!]

NOW, WATCH AS I TAME MYTH ITSELF!

OHH! AAH!!

>> THAT WAS THOROUGHLY UNENJOYABLE.

>> STUPID MUGGLE.

>> MINDFREAK!

>> SUGAR, SPICE, EVERYTHING NICE, AND COCAINE -- THE RECIPE

FOR PERFECT LITTLE GIRLS WHO FLIP THE [BLEEP] OUT!

[ BOING! BOING! BOING! ] >> [ UP-TEMPO ROCK MUSIC PLAYS ]

[ ALL CHEER ] [ POP! ]

[ MUSIC CONTINUES ] >> GLAD TO HAVE YOU BACK,

CLEBORB.

IT'S A LONG, LONG TRIP HOME.

HOPE YOU CAN FIND A WAY TO ENTERTAIN YOURSELF.

[ POP! ] >> FREDDY, WHY DON'T YOU WEAR

THAT NICE SWEATER CATHERINE GOT YOU FOR FATHER'S DAY?

>> I'M NOT REALLY A SWEATER GUY.

>> OH, POO!

SHE'LL BE SO HAPPY TO SEE YOU WEARING HER GIFT.

>> BUT IT'S ITCHY.

>> AND, DADDY, DO YOU KNOW WHERE I GOT IT?

>> NO, HONEY.

>> THE SCHOOL BAZAAR.

>> THAT'S NICE, HONEY.

>> AND YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE, DADDY?

I ALSO BOUGHT YOU A HAT.

>> OH, THAT'S GREAT, DARLING.

>> CAN YOU WEAR IT NOW?

>> WELL, FEDORAS DON'T REALLY GO WITH SWEATERS, SWEETIE.

>> YES, THEY DO.

>> NO, THEY DON'T.

>> YES, THEY DO.

>> NO, THEY DON'T.

[BLEEP]!

WHAT IS THIS MADE OF -- PUBES?!

I CAN'T STOP SCRATCHING THIS [BLEEP] SWEATER!

>> [ Crying ] DADDY DOESN'T LIKE HIS GIFTS!

>> I'M -- I'M SORRY, HONEY.

DADDY LOVES HIS GIFTS.

[BLEEP] ITCHY SWEATER.

[BLEEP] STUPID SCHOOL BAZAAR.

OHHH!

OH, MARY.

THAT'S THE STUFF!

>> HI, DADDY.

>> HI, HONEY.

>> YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE I GOT YOU?

>> NO, HONEY. WHAT?

>> A TIE!

>> WOW!

THANK YOU, SWEETIE.

>> CAN YOU WEAR IT NOW?

>> TIES DEFINITELY DON'T GO WITH SWEATERS, SWEETHEART.

>> YES, THEY DO.

>> NO, THEY DON'T.

>> YES, THEY DO.

>> OH, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, STOP SHOPPING AT SCHOOL!

NO MORE HATS, NO MORE SWEATERS, NO MORE SCHOOL BAZAAR!

[ ALL GASP ] NO MORE CRAPPY GIFTS!

>> OH, MY GOD!

THAT MAN IS ATTACKING OUR CHILDREN!

>> WHAT?

NO, NO, YOU'VE GOT IT ALL WRONG.

IT'S THE GIFTS THAT I HATE.

>> CHILD ABUSER!

[ ALL SHOUT ] >> WAIT, YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND!

IT'S AN ITCHY SWEATER!

>> FREDDY KRUEGER!

WE HAVE SEARCHED THE MORTAL WORLD FOR THE ANGRIEST SOUL.

WE OFFER YOU THE CHANCE TO BE FOR ALL ETERNITY!

>> AW, HELL, IF IT GETS ME OUT OF THIS MESS, I'LL TAKE IT.

JUST LET ME TAKE OFF THIS ITCHY SWEATER.

>> IT IS DONE!

>> WHAT?!

NOT WITH THE SWEATER AND THE FEDORA.

AW, CO-- OHH!

B-- WELL, AT LEAST I GOT MY COMPLEXION.

>> [ ROARING ] [ GUNFIRE ]

[ GRUNTS ] [ ENGINE PUT-PUTTING ]

>> AND NOW BACK TO "LIVING LOHAN."

>> ALI, WHO DRANK ALL THE [BLEEP] ORANGE JUICE?

>> [ Slurring ] I DON'T KNOW, MOM.

MAYBE THE [BLEEP] ORANGE-JUICE FAIRY DID IT!

>> DON'T GET SMART WITH ME!

>> DON'T YOU BE A BIG RAGING BITCH FACE!

>> Both: I NEED A CIGARETTE!

>> UGH! WHY ARE ALL THESE CAMERAS ALWAYS INVADING MY

PRIVACY?!

>> SORRY, COBRA COMMANDER, BUT YOUR WEATHER COMBINATOR,

CURRENTLY STUCK ON RAIN, APPARENTLY, IS NO MATCH FOR THE

NINJA SKILLS OF SNAKE-EYES!

OOPS -- SUPPOSED TO BE ME.

>> [ LAUGHS ] WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

>> THAT IS NO CONCERN OF YOURS, CIVILIAN.

IDENTIFY YOURSELF AT ONCE!

PREFERABLY WITH A CLIPABLE, SAVEABLE FILE CARD.

>> I'M ALI. DUH!

MY MOM AND I JUST MOVED INTO YOUR CRAPPY NEIGHBORHOOD TO

SHOOT OUR TV SHOW.

IT'S CALLED "LIVING LOHAN."

>> AREN'T YOU A LITTLE YOUNG TO BE SMOKING?

>> AREN'T YOU A LITTLE FAT TO BE FAT?

KNOCK, KNOCK. WHO'S THERE?

YOU LOVE FOOD.

>> HONEY, WERE YOU TALKING TO THE NEW NEIGHBOR?

I THINK THEIR DOG'S BEEN POOPING IN OUR YARD.

>> WHAT? OHH!

POOP.

>> GO TO HELL, MOM!

I TOLD YOU -- I'M NOT GONNA BE ON YOUR SHOW!

IT'S DEMEANING TO MY CAREER.

I'M GONNA TRY THAT AGAIN WITH LIKE 10% MORE CONVICTION, OR

POSSIBLY 1,000%!

[ DOORBELL RINGS ] WHO IN GOD'S GREEN SMURF ARE

YOU?!

>> MADAM, DOES IT LOOK LIKE MY NAME IS TRIPWIRE?

BECAUSE AS I AM NOT THE G.I. JOE MINESWEEPER, I WOULD APPRECIATE

IT IF YOUR DOG DIDN'T LEAVE CHOCOLATE LAND MINES ALL OVER MY

YARD!

>> OKAY, NOTHING YOU SAID MEANT ANYTHING!

>> DON'T LET YOUR DOG GO POOPY!

>> OHH.

OHH!

[ LAUGHS ] ♪ BA DA DA DUM-DUM ♪

[ LAUGHS ] NICE DUMP.

AHH!

I'M JUST FERMALIZING THE LAWN.

AAH!

[ FARTS ] BAD DOG!

[ LAUGHS ] >> FIRE BOLT!

FIRE BOLT!

>> FREEZE ARROW!

FREEZE ARROW!

>> ORC! ORC! ORC!

I'M AN ORC!

>> GARY'S GOT TO SAY -- NOT BUYING THIS AT ALL, SO...

>> BEEP! BEEP!

HONK! HONK!

I'M HERBIE!

>> HEY!

>> LOUD HORN.

[BLEEP] YOU!

GOOD JOB, HERBIE.

>> UH, EXCUSE ME.

THIS IS A PARALLEL UNIVERSE WHERE SAVAGERY MEETS SORCERY.

THERE IS NO HERBIE.

>> HERBIE IS MAGIC!

IDIOT!

>> ORC!

>> AAH!

WHY ARE YOU ALWAYS FOLLOWING ME?!

Follow me.

>> AND IN THIS CORNER, IT'S MUNSON!

>> GET OUT OF HERE, MUNSON!

>> MUNSON -- 1, GAY CRAB -- 0.

>> STOP IT, MUNSON!

OH, HOW I HATE YOU!

>> BEEP! BEEP!

[ ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYS ] >> OOH -- A BAD BOY.

>> OH, A DAMAGED CHICK WITH DADDY ISSUES.

>> OW!

>> HEY, BABY.

I'VE GOT A SCION.

>> I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT IS, BUT I HOPE IT MEANS "PENIS"!

>> TOO BAD, MOM!

I LOVE HIM!

AND I'M PREGNANT!

>> WELL, SO AM I.

>> OH, YEAH?

WELL, YOUR BABY'S GONNA HAVE COBWEBS ON IT 'CAUSE YOU'RE ALL

OLD, AND INSIDE, YOUR NODARIES ARE ALL SPONGED UP AND DUSTY!

>> [BLEEP] YOU!

>> WHY DIDN'T ANYONE PICK ME UP AFTER MY [BLEEP] ULTRASOUND?

>> [ SIGHS ] LOOKS LIKE I'M MOVING AGAIN.

>> I'M THE GREATEST MOM IN THE WORLD!

>> ♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK ♪ ♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK ♪

♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK-A-WAWK WAWK BAWK BAWK ♪

♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK ♪ ♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK ♪

♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK-A-WAWK WAWK BAWK BAWK ♪

♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK ♪ ♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK ♪

♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK-A-WAWK WAWK BAWK BAWK ♪

BA-GAWK! BAWK.