Original subtitles

[ THUNDER CRASHING ] [ DRILLING, SAWING ]

[ ELECTRICITY CRACKLING ] >> IT'S ALIVE!

[ ELECTRICITY CRACKLING ] >> IT'S ALIVE!

>> NICE WANG!

[ BALLOON SQUEAKS ] >> NICE POODLE!

[ BALLOON SQUEAKS ] >> NICE PRETZEL!

>> COME ON, HONEY.

THE RED WINGS GAME IS ON.

>> NO, DAD.

I'M WATCHING "INUYASHA."

>> KAGOME, YOU LOOK SIMILAR TO KIKYO.

>> INUYASHA, I AM JUST A SCHOOLGIRL.

>> CURSE KAEDE'S MAGIC!

WITHOUT THE JEWEL OF THE FOUR SOULS, I'LL NEVER BECOME A FULL

DEMON!

>> WHAT...

THE...

[BLEEP] >> DAD, SHUSH!

>> [ SIGHS ] >> KIKYO SHOT ME WITH AN ARROW

WHEN I TRIED TO STEAL THE JEWEL.

>> I WILL NOT LET YOU HAVE THE JEWEL.

>> I'M NOT A DOG, ALTHOUGH I DO LIFT MY LEG TO PEE SOMETIMES.

>> YOU DO INDEED LOOK LIKE A DOG.

SIT, BOY.

ODDLY ENOUGH, I ALSO LIFT MY LEG TO PEE, ALTHOUGH YOU WOULDN'T

THINK SO.

>> NOW THAT WAS A GOOD EPISODE.

>> WAIT, IT'S OVER?

WHEN'S IT ON AGAIN?

>> AH, STUPID ADULT SWIM ONLY PLAYS IT ON SATURDAYS NOW.

>> WHAT?!

I'M NOT WAITING A WHOLE [BLEEP] WEEK TO FIND OUT WHETHER

INUYASHA AND KAGOME GET TOGETHER!

COME ON!

[BLEEP] BEST BUY'S CLOSED.

MAYBE TARGET'S STILL OPEN.

>> DAD, YOU ARE SERIOUSLY WEIRDING ME OUT.

DAD, I WANT TO WATCH "GOSSIP GIRL."

>> SHH! "INUYASHA'S" ON!

>> I KNOW IT'S ON!

YOU'VE BEEN WATCHING THE DVDs FOR EIGHT HOURS!

>> HONEY, DID YOU GO TO WORK TODAY?

>> YEP.

>> NO, YOU DIDN'T!

>> I MEANT MY LIFE'S WORK.

>> DO YOU LIKE THE MEAT LOAF, DEAR?

>> I'M PRETENDING IT'S DEMON FOOD, SINCE I'M HALF-DEMON.

[ CREAKING ] >> [ Moaning ] OH, BARRY.

>> CALL ME "INUYASHA."

>> YES, INUYASHA!

>> YEAH, KAGOME!

I'M GIVING IT TO YOU, KAGOME!

>> DO ME, INUYASHA!

>> OH, I'M DOING YOU, KAGOME!

>> [ GROANS ] >> HONEY, THE RED WINGS ARE ON.

>> DAD, PLEASE JUST LET ME WATCH "GOSSIP GIRL."

>> OOH, WHO'S THAT?

IS THAT BOY GOING STEADY WITH THAT GIRL?

I COULD REALLY GET INTO THIS SHOW.

>> AAH!

>> ...WITH TWO MINUTES LEFT...

>> AND DAD WINS.

[ BUZZER ] >> I'M HUNGRY, GIVING TREE.

>> TAKE ONE OF MY APPLES, GARY.

>> THANKS.

IT'S HOT, TOO.

[ CREAKING ] MM, A LITTLE -- LITTLE TO THE

RIGHT.

I ASKED HER TO MARRY ME, AND SHE SAID YES, GIVING TREE.

WE ARE GONNA NEED A HOUSE.

>> PROBABLY.

>> SO, CAN I, YOU KNOW, LIKE, MAYBE, UH...

>> TAKE MY BRANCHES?

>> THANKS!

>> WAIT, THAT WAS A QUESTION, NOT A STATEMENT!

OH! THAT'S MY LEFT BRANCH!

THAT HURTS!

>> GIVING TREE, MY FAMILY HAS GROWN.

I WANT TO ADD AN ADDITION TO MY HOUSE.

>> AH, GOOD FOR YOU.

>> [ Singsong voice ] COME ON.

YOU'RE THE GIVING TREE.

>> YEAH, I GUESS THAT'S TRUE.

>> GREAT!

>> WELL, YOU SHOULD KNOW I'VE BEEN HAVING TERMITE PROBLEMS.

>> OH, REALLY?

>> YEAH, BUT, YOU KNOW, MY COUSIN ACROSS THE FIELD IS

ANOTHER GIVING TREE.

>> OH, THANKS.

YOU'RE SUCH A GOOD GIVING TREE.

HEY, WHAT'S UP?

YOU'RE ANOTHER GIVING TREE?

I JUST WANT TO GET -- OW!

WHY ARE YOU TAKING OFF MY PANTS?!

>> DID I SAY GIVING TREE?

I MEANT RAPING TREE.

BUT I'M SURE HE'LL GIVE YOU SOMETHING, LIKE A BIG, THICK

STICK UP YOUR FAT ASS.

[ LAUGHS EVILLY ] >> OH, LOOK, KIDS.

LUCKY HAD A LITTER OF KITTENS.

>> MM. CONGRATULATIONS.

[ SNIFFS ] ANYONE GOING TO FREAK IF I EAT

THE AFTERBIRTH?

>> AND NOW FOR THE WEATHER.

>> THUNDER!

THUNDER!

THUNDER!

>> AND NOW SPORTS.

>> SO, YOU SEE, NO ONE STABBED YOU IN THE VAGINA, PUNKY.

YOU'RE A WOMAN NOW.

ISN'T THAT EXCITING?

>> I GUESS IT IS, HENRY. THANKS.

>> WELL, I'LL BE IN MY ROOM WITH THE DOOR LOCKED.

>> I THOUGHT HE'D NEVER LEAVE!

READY FOR ANOTHER MAGICAL ADVENTURE?!

>> MM, NOT TODAY, GLOMER.

>> DON'T YOU WANT TO LOOK FOR RAINBOWS IN THE MARSHMALLOW

CLOUDS?

>> [ SCOFFS ] I'M NOT A LITTLE GIRL ANYMORE,

GLOMER.

MAYBE I JUST WANT TO GO TO THE MALL.

>> CAN I STAY OUT HERE?

IT'S DARK IN THE CLOSET.

>> HIDE IN YOUR CLOSET, GLOMER!

>> [ WHIMPERS ] >> OH, MY GOD, AND DID YOU SEE

HOW RICKY LOOKED AT ME?

EEEEEE! HE'S SO CUTE!

>> PLEASE, PUNKY.

>> UGH! I'LL CALL YOU BACK.

WHAT?!

>> [ COUGHS ] IF I MAKE YOU A POT OF GOLD, CAN

I HAVE A GLASS OF WATER?

[ CELLPHONE RINGS ] >> OH, MY GOD, THAT'S HIM!

>> [ Whimpering ] SO HUNGRY.

>> AH, WHY AREN'T THEY GROWING?

[ DING! ] >> PUNKY, IS THAT YOU?

>> RICKY SAID I WAS FLAT, GLOMER.

I WANT YOU TO GIVE ME BOOBS.

>> YOU KILLED ME, PUNKY.

I'LL NEVER SEE CHAUNDOON AGAIN.

I'M DYING.

>> NOT BEFORE YOU MAKE MY CHEST BIGGER!

YOU HEAR ME, GLOMER?!

GLOMER!

>> [ SIGHS ] [ WARBLES ]

>> YES!

WAIT, WAIT, WHAT'S HAPPENING?!

>> CHOKE ON IT, BITCH.

HENRY-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-!

>> HI.

I'M LOOKING FOR MY BLIND DATE.

HE'S SUPPOSED TO HAVE A YELLOW FACE WITH A RED MASK.

SUPPOSED TO BE REALLY SEXY.

>> AHH, AN EVENING DEVOID OF NIGHTMARES AND DREAMSCAPES.

>> WELL, HEY THERE, KINGSY!

>> AAH! DEAN KOONTZ?

>> THAT'S ME.

HOPE YOU LIKE CHILLS OF THAT CALIBER 'CAUSE OLD KOONTZY JUST

BOUGHT A PLACE DOWN THE ROAD.

OF COURSE, IT AIN'T QUITE AS NICE AS YOUR HOUSE --

FOUNDATION'S A LITTLE CREAKY, DOESN'T REALLY HOLD WATER, BUT

SAME NEIGHBORHOOD, RIGHT?

OOH, GOT AN iPOD, EH?

OLD KOONTZY WENT WITH THE ZUNE -- ALMOST AS GOOD, NOT

QUITE AS WELL-REVIEWED, DOESN'T QUITE GET THE SHELF SPACE AN

iPOD DOES, BUT IT COSTS THE SAME, WHICH IS WEIRD.

>> YEAH.

>> ALWAYS ROOM FOR SECOND-BEST, I SAY.

[ ENGINE REVS ] SO, YOU GOT A CAR THAT LOOKS

JUST LIKE CHRISTINE?

A LOT OF ICONIC IMAGES IN YOUR BOOKS, BUT I DON'T KNOW ABOUT

ALL THAT.

OLD KOONTZY TAKES THE BUS -- NOT QUITE AS FUN GETTING FROM "A" TO

"B," BUT IT'S AN EASY RIDE.

>> HOW DID YOU FIND OUT WHERE I LIVE?

>> HEY, WHAT WOULD YOU SAY TO A KOONTZY/KING COLLABO?

"KOONTZY AND KING" -- THAT'S GOT A NICE RING TO IT.

>> THIS CONVERSATION'S OVER.

>> NOW, HOLD ON, KINGSY.

YOU JUST LET OLD KOONTZY WORRY ABOUT THE ENDING.

I DON'T WANT THE KOONTZY/KING COLLABO ENDING WITH A GIANT

FRICKIN' SPIDER.

>> OH, IT WON'T.

>> [ SCREAMS ] >> LOOKS LIKE YOUR EVIL CAR

KILLED ANOTHER ONE, MR. KING.

>> WHAT A TRAGEDY.

WE'VE LOST ONE OF AMERICA'S...

AUTHORS.

>> [ LAUGHS ] NO USE ASKING QUESTIONS ABOUT

THE SUPERNATURAL, RIGHT, OFFICERS?

>> OF COURSE, MR. KING.

HAVE A NICE DAY.

[ DING! ] >> [ FARTING LOUDLY ]

[ GLASS SHATTERS ] >> WELCOME TO "AMERICAN

GLADIATORS: CROSSING THE BORDER."

OUR CONTESTANT TODAY IS PABLO.

IF YOU GET PAST THE GLADIATORS AND BUST THROUGH THE WALL AT THE

FAR END, WELL, BROTHER, THEN YOU'VE MADE IT TO THE

UNITED STATES OF AMERICA.

>> BUENO.

>> IS THE CONTESTANT READY?

>> Sí.

>> ARE THE GLADIATORS READY?

>> READY!

>> LET'S DO IT!

>> GO!

>> YOU HAD THIS COMING!

>> LET'S DO IT!

>> AY, MADRE DE DIOS.

>> I'M A PRO!

>> LET'S DO IT!

>> OHH!

MI SACO DE AMOR -- HAY ESTALLADO.

>> LET'S DO IT!

>> OHH!

>> YEAH, DON'T THROW THAT BALL!

I DON'T PLAY FETCH, MAN!

>> I'M SORRY, AMIGO.

YOU FOUGHT WELL, BUT YOU JUST WEREN'T UP TO SNUFF AGAINST THE

AMERICAN GLADIATORS.

>> SI.

>> SO WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO SEND YOU BACK HOME.

HASTA LUEGO.

BRING IT OUT, BOYS!

THAT'S ALL FOR NOW.

WE'LL SEE YOU NEXT TIME ON "AMERICAN GLADIATORS: CROSSING

THE BORDER."

>> [ SHOUTS ] >> I LOVE GEOGRAPHY DAY.

I GOT ITALY.

>> I GOT RUSSIA.

>> I GOT IRAQ.

>> [ Morgan Freeman's voice ] A JOKER CAME TO ARKHAM ASYLUM IN

THE SUMMER OF AUGHT NINE.

I KNOW AS MUCH BECAUSE I REMEMBER THINKING, "THAT IS THE

WHITEST SON OF A BITCH I HAVE EVER SEEN."

HE HAD A FUNNY WAY ABOUT HIM -- NOT "HA HA" FUNNY, MORE

"STAB STAB" FUNNY.

>> WELCOME BACK TO ARKHAM'S TOP 40.

THE RIDDLER WRITES, "JOKER, CAN YOU PLEASE PLAY

'WHO LET THE DOGS OUT?'" [ LAUGHS ]

[ Over loudspeaker ] WELL, RIDDLER, HERE'S YOUR DEATH-ROW

DEDICATION.

>> YES!

>> HE EVEN FOUND A WAY TO FOOL THE SODOMITES.

>> COME HERE, JOKER.

I'M GONNA FILL THAT BALLOON UP REAL GOOD.

>> AND DESPITE APPEARANCES, WE BECAME FRIENDS.

>> I HEAR YOU'RE A MAN WHO CAN GET THINGS.

>> WELL, THAT DEPENDS.

>> I NEED A LARGE POSTER OF PHYLLIS DILLER.

>> THAT MAY TAKE TIME.

>> TIME'S THE ONE THING I'VE GOT.

WELL, THAT AND DEMENTIA.

[ THUNDER CRASHING ] >> SCARECROW, CHECK.

TWO-FACE, CHECK.

JOKER...

JOKER, YOU BETTER BE SICK OR DEAD IN THERE, I [BLEEP] YOU

NOT!

>> I REMEMBER THINKING IT WOULD TAKE A MAN 100 YEARS TO TUNNEL

OUT OF ARKHAM.

>> WHAT THE HELL?!

>> THE JOKER DID IT IN JUST TWO DAYS.

[ LAUGHS ] CLEARLY, I GOTS TROUBLE WITH THE

MATH.

>> THINK YOU CAN ESCAPE THROUGH THE SEWER LINE, HUH, JOKER?!

NOT WITH THE BATMAN ON YOUR TAIL.

[ THUNDER CRASHING ] OH, IT SMELLS LIKE

"BATMAN FOREVER"!

>> [ LAUGHS MANIACALLY ] SUCKER!

>> BUT WHAT WE DIDN'T KNOW WAS THAT THE JOKER HADN'T ACTUALLY

LEFT YET.

>> BUFFALO WINGS, DO YOUR THING.

[ EXCRETING LOUDLY ] [ TOILET FLUSHES ]

>> UH, HELLO, THERE'S A MAN DOWN HERE.

PLEASE DON'T FLUSH ANYTHING FOR A WHILE.

>> OO-O-O-O-O-H-WEE!

FORGET ABOUT THE GREEN MILE!

TRY WALKING THE BROWN MILE!

[ LAUGHS MANIACALLY ] >> OH, GOD! OH, GOD!

[ CHOKING ] >> BATMAN CRAWLED THROUGH A

RIVER OF [BLEEP] 500 YARDS LONG.

I REMEMBER THINKING THAT WAS PROBABLY THE LENGTH OF FIVE

PING-PONG TABLES.

AGAIN, NOT SO GOOD WITH THE MATH.

I REMEMBER THINKING YOU'D HAVE TO BE PRETTY INSANE TO PLAY A

JOKE LIKE THAT ON THE BATMAN.

>> OH, COME ON!

>> THEN AGAIN, I REMEMBER THINKING THAT WAS PRETTY DAMN

FUNNY.

[ MANIACAL LAUGH ECHOING ] >> ♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK ♪

♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK ♪ ♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK-A-WAWK WAWK

BAWK BAWK ♪ ♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK ♪

♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK ♪ ♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK-A-WAWK WAWK

BAWK BAWK ♪ ♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK ♪

♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK ♪ ♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK-A-WAWK WAWK

BAWK BAWK ♪ ♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK ♪

♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK ♪ ♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK-A-WAWK WAWK

BAWK BAWK ♪ BA-GAWK! BAWK.

BAWK BAWK ♪ BA-GAWK! BAWK.