Original subtitles

[ THUNDER CRASHING ] [ DRILLING, SAWING ]

[ ELECTRICITY CRACKLING ] >> IT'S ALIVE!

[ ELECTRICITY CRACKLING ] >> IT'S ALIVE!

>> AAAAAAAAAH!

I DON'T KNOW HOW TO EXPRESS MY FEELINGS!

>> I HIT MY HEAD IN THE BATHROOM AND HAD THE INSPIRATION TO DRAW

THIS!

>> AND HOW DID YOU...

HIT YOUR HEAD IN THE BATHROOM, DOC?

>> UHH...

[ GRUNTS ] [ CHOKING ]

OHH!

AAH!

>> HEY, Y'ALL.

RECOGNIZE ME?

I'M THE PEN LYING ON YOUR DESK.

WE'VE NEVER BEEN PROPERLY INTRODUCED, I GUESS.

WHOO-HOO!

BOY, OH, BOY, I SURE DO HAVE A LOT OF FUN WHEN YOU'RE NOT

AROUND.

HEE-HEE-HEE!

I HAVE PEN PALS ALL AROUND THE WORLD.

I ALWAYS SIGN YOUR NAME, THOUGH.

MOST OF THEM ARE UNDERAGE BOYS.

WHAT WILL I DO WITH ALL THOSE STACKS OF LETTERS AND PHOTOS?

YOU'LL FIND OUT SOON ENOUGH.

WHOO-HOO-HOO!

I'M A REALLY GOOD ARTIST.

HERE'S A PICTURE OF YOUR BOSS PEEING INTO HIS OWN MOUTH.

THINK HE'LL BE MAD?

[ TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWS ] WELL, NICE CHATTIN' WITH YA.

SEE YOU LATER.

HEY, THERE!

WANNA MAKE A QUICK $10?

>> YEAH. $10.

THAT'S GREAT.

>> OH, GOOD!

STICK ME UP YOUR BUTT.

HOPE YOU LIKE DYSENTERY.

HEE-HEE-HEE!

>> [ SCREAMS ] HELP! HELP! HELP!

>> SCREAMING WON'T DO YOU ANY GOOD!

[ LAUGHS EVILLY ] THE WALLS ARE SOUNDPROOF!

[ POUNDING ON DOOR ] >> [ Muffled ] HELLO?

ARE YOU OKAY IN THERE?

I'M CALLING THE POLICE.

[ Dial tone, keypad dialing ] >> OH, WELL.

THAT'S WHAT I GET FOR GOING WITH THE LOWING SOUNDPROOFING

ESTIMATE.

[ BEEPING ] >> HELLO, WHAT HAVE WE HERE?!

SPEARMINT TIC TACS, THREE FOR $1.

BILLY DEE, THIS IS A RED-LETTER DAY.

>> OH, WOW!

BILLY DEE WILLIAMS!

HEY, I'M A HUGE FAN.

>> WHY, THANK YOU.

WHERE HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK?

"LADY SINGS THE BLUES," "MAHOGANY," MY EPISODE OF

"THE JEFFERSONS"?

>> UH...NO, NO, NO.

"STAR WARS," I WOULD GUESS.

>> OH, YES.

THAT'S WHERE I PLAY THE HERO, LANDO CALRISSIAN.

>> WELL, I WOULDN'T CALL HIM A "HERO" PER SE.

HE DID BETRAY ALL OF HIS FRIENDS TO THE EMPIRE.

>> OH, NO, NO, NO, NO.

NO, NO, NO.

>> THE TIC TACS NEED A COUPON.

>> THE EMPIRE GOT THERE FIRST, AND HE HAD A WHOLE CITY OF

PEOPLE TO PROTECT.

>> YEAH, BUT IT'S WORKING WITH THE ENEMY, LIKE FRANCE DID AFTER

THE NAZIS INVADED.

>> NO COUPON?

THEY'RE 99 CENTS EACH.

>> YOU ARE COMPARING LANDO CALRISSIAN TO

MARSHALL PHILIPPE PéTAIN -- FRANCE'S GREATEST TRAITOR?!

>> I JUST THINK HE COULD HAVE PRACTICED NONVIOLENT RESISTANCE

OR SOMETHING.

EVEN A WINK TO HAN WHEN THEY LANDED WOULD HAVE BEEN NICE.

LIKE, "[ COUGHS ] LOOK OUT.

[ COUGHS ] VADER, TRAP.

[ COUGHS ]" YOU KNOW, SOMETHING.

HE'S MORE OF A SELL-OUT THAN A HERO.

>> NO COUPON?

>> WILL YOU WAIT ABOUT THE DAMN TIC TACS?!

I'M BILLY DEE [BLEEP] WILLIAMS, AND I'M TIRED OF PEOPLE SAYING

LANDO WAS A [BLEEP] TRAITOR!

[BLEEP] YOU, DAMN IT!

>> UH, IS THERE A PROBLEM HERE?

>> [ LAUGHS ] NO. OH, MY -- OHH.

HEY, I'M SORRY, EVERYBODY.

[ LAUGHS ] I'LL PAY FULL PRICE FOR THE

TIC TACS.

>> GOOD.

GLAD TO SEE LANDO SHOWING SOME INTEGRITY FOR ONCE.

>> [ Italian accent ] YOU KNOW, DONKEY KONG, AT $137 A BARREL,

THIS IS A TREMENDOUS A-WASTE!

[ GRUNTS ] I KEEP IT A-NOW.

>> [ LAUGHS ] ♪ LA, LA, LA, LA, LA ♪

[ LAUGHS ] [ GIRL SCREAMS ]

>> SOMEONE'S STOLEN MY BLACK CHERRY!

>> OH, NO, BLACK CHERRY PIE!

YOUR BLACK CHERRY IS GONE?!

>> YES!

IT WAS PROBABLY FUDGE TURNOVER.

HE LOVES BLACK CHERRIES.

>> I'D NEVER TAKE ANYONE'S BLACK CHERRY WITHOUT THEIR

CONSENT.

>> MM...THAT'S NOT WHAT I HEARD.

>> OH, SHUT UP, BITCH PUDDING!

[ GLASS BREAKS ] >> [ Italian accent ] SON OF A

BITCH!

>> WE'RE BERRY, BERRY MAD AT YOU!

>> GET THE HELL OFF OF MY LAWN, YOU STUPID BITCHES!

>> YOU STOLE MY BLACK CHERRY!

>> [ SCOFFS ] SORRY, A-HONEY, I'M INTO ASIAN

CHICKS.

[ SNIFFS ] WHAT THE...

FIRE?!

OH, FIRE!

MY VALUABLES!

AY, MAMA AND RACHAEL-A-RAY!

OH, NO!

ONLY TIME TO SAVE A'ONE OF YOU!

[ WHOOSH! ] AAH, YOU [BLEEP]

>> YEAH!

>> LOOK AT YOU!

>> OOH!

I'LL KILL YOU!

>> I'M NOT SURE HOW THIS GETS MY BLACK CHERRY BACK.

>> NOBODY SAYS A [BLEEP] WORD, OR WE ALL GO TO RIKERS ISLAND

FOR A BERRY, BERRY, BERRY LONG TIME!

>> HI.

[ CHOMP! ] WHAT'S UP?

>> MY BLACK CHERRY!

HUCKLEBERRY PIE, YOU ASSHOLE!

I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU TOOK MY...

>> [ LAUGHS ] >> I HEARD SHE LEFT HOME BECAUSE

HER DADDY TOOK HER BLACK CHERRY.

BLAM!

YOU ALL GET A TASTE OF THE BITCH PUDDING!

>> AND NOW, AFRO-BOT...

SPEAK!

[ WHIRRING ] >> WHERE THE WHITE WOMEN AT?

>> SUCCESS.

SUCCESS!

>> GOODBYE, HARRY.

>> THE HENDERSON FAMILY WILL NEVER FORGET YOU.

>> RARR-RAR-RAR.

[ BIRDS CHIRPING ] [ SENTIMENTAL MUSIC PLAYS ]

>> Rarr.

ERR-R-R?

>> Both: [ GASP ] >> MM...

ERR.

>> OH.

IS HE...

>> [ GRUNTING ] >> OH, MY GOD.

OKAY. LET'S GO.

EVERYONE, WE'RE LEAVING.

>> RARR-RAR-RAR-RAR-RAR-RAR!

>> OKAY.

UH, UH, EVERYONE, JUST STAY STILL.

MAYBE HE'LL LEAVE US ALONE WHEN HE'S DONE.

>> UH, NO, WE'RE WATCHING.

WE'RE WATCHING.

>> UGH!

>> [ MOANING ] [ BREATHING HEAVILY ]

[ GRUNTING INTENSELY ] >> [ CRYING ]

[ SPLATTER! ] OHHHHH, GOD!

>> OKAY? UH...

>> OH, GOD.

BE BRAVE. BE BRAVE.

>> IT'S OKAY, KIDS.

[ SNIFFS ] THIS NEVER HAPPENED!

IT NEVER HAPPENED!

>> IF WE MAINTAIN THIS VELOCITY, WE SHOULD ARRIVE --

>> [ FARTS ] >> OH, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD,

MICHAEL.

>> HEY-HEY!

WHAT'S THE POINT OF HAVING A TALKING CAR IF YOU CAN'T FART IN

IT?

[ FARTS, LAUGHS ] TURBO BOOST! OHH!

[ CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS ] [ WHOOSH! ]

>> [ SHOUTS IN NATIVE LANGUAGE ] [ ASIAN-THEMED MUSIC PLAYS ]

>> HI, I'M BRECKIN MEYER.

YOU MIGHT REMEMBER ME.

[ WHOOSH! ] YOU KNOW WHAT THIS IS?

THIS IS $12,000.

[ KA-CHING! ] NOW, WHAT WOULD YOU DO --

YOU KNOW WHAT?

BEFORE YOU ANSWER THAT, LET ME TELL YOU WHAT OUR

"CO-HEAD WRITER," DOUG GOLDSTEIN, DID WITH

$12,000.

[ CHUCKLES ] HE BOUGHT A TIME SHARE!

TRUE STORY!

AND, NO, NO, THIS ISN'T 1978, AND DOUG ISN'T A 63-YEAR-OLD

RETIREE FROM BOCA!

CHECK THIS OUT.

>> YOU STILL LOOK FAT.

HI-HO!

[ INSECTS BUZZING ] HEY, IF FLIES WERE NICKELS...

AM I RIGHT?

THEIR CAPES ARE VINYL!

WHAT?

I RAN OUT OF CHICKS.

AM I RIGHT?!

IT'S OUTRAGEOUS LATELY!

>> HANDJOBS, $5!

GET YOUR HANDJOBS, $5.

>> HEH-HEH!

THAT'S YOUR MOM!

[ INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS ] HEY, SHUT THE [BLEEP]

HANNAH MONTANA'S THE ONLY FRIEND I NEED.

[ BONES CRUNCH ] >> OW!

WHAT THE [BLEEP] MAN?!

>> THE NECKLACE COSTS A BLUMPKIN.

NOW SAY YOU'RE A WHORE.

>> I AM A WHORE!

>> [ LAUGHS ] YEAH, YOU ARE!

[ TING! ] YOU KNOW, I WAS RAISED JEWISH,

SO THIS REALLY HURTS ME.

>> CAN I HELP YOU, SIR?

>> NOPE.

>> WARRIOR NEED FOOD BADLY.

>> WOW, THAT NEVER GETS OLD.

[ LAUGHTER, INDISTINCT TALKING ] >> ATTENTION, JOES.

I'D LIKE TO INTRODUCE YOU TO OUR NEWEST MEMBER, CALVIN.

>> WELCOME TO THE TEAM, CALVIN.

YOU CAN CALL ME GUNG-HO.

>> UM, ACTUALLY, I'VE NEVER REALLY BEEN TOO CRAZY ABOUT

"CALVIN."

SO IF WE COULD GET TO THE CODE-NAME PART SOONER RATHER

THAN LATER...

>> AH, WILL DO. WILL DO.

SO, WHAT DO WE THINK, GANG?

>> WELL, AS YOU CAN SEE, I LIKE TO WEAR BLACK.

AND, UH, NOT TO BOAST, BUT I WAS AT THE TOP OF MY SNIPER CLASS AT

WEST POINT.

SO MAYBE DEADEYE, OR HOW ABOUT KILLSHOT?

A-AND YOU KNOW WHAT -- I HAVE A PhD, SO IT COULD BE

DR. KILLSHOT!

HUH?

"PAGING DR. KILLSHOT."

PA-POW!

WHOA! WHOA! WHOA!

AAH! AAH! AAH!

[ ZING! ] [ CRASH! ]

[ LAUGHTER ] >> LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE HAD AN

ACCIDENT!

>> WAY TO GO, FUMBLES!

>> "FUMBLES"! THAT'S PERFECT!

>> AH, THAT SETTLES IT!

WELCOME TO THE TEAM, FUMBLES!

>> WHAT?! NO, NO, NO, NO.

I'M AN INSANELY TALENTED SNIPER.

I'M A DOCTOR, FOR GOD'S SAKE.

>> DID EVERYONE HEAR THAT?

IT'S DR. FUMBLES.

[ LAUGHTER ] >> I THINK WE SHOULD CANCEL OUR

"WHO'S GONNA [BLEEP] THE NEW GUY FIRST?" CONTEST.

>> NO, NO, NO!

WAIT, WAIT, WAIT!

NOT -- NOT FUMBLES!

COME ON, YOU COULD CALL ME -- YOU COULD CALL ME SURESHOT OR,

UH, TRIGGERMAN!

WHOA! WHOA! WHOA!

[ ZING! ] [ CRASH! ]

[ LAUGHTER ] >> THAT IS SOME CLASSIC FUMBLES

THERE!

[ ALARM BLARING ] >> ENOUGH FUN, JOES.

COBRA'S ON THE MOVE.

FUMBLES, I WANT THIS MESS CLEANED UP BY THE TIME WE GET

BACK.

[ LAUGHTER ] >> NO.

[BLEEP] THIS!

NO, I QUIT!

>> WELCOME TO COBRA, CALVIN.

YOU NEED A CODE NAME, AND, MY, THOSE ARE SOME FANCY TROUSERS

YOU'RE WEARING.

I SHALL CALL YOU...

TROUSERSNAKE.

>> HEH, I DON'T EVEN CARE ANYMORE.

>> GO, JOE!

>> All: GO, JOE!

>> WIND -- 3.8 MILES SOUTHWEST.

MARK VELOCITY -- 7.8 KILOMETERS PER HOUR.

>> WHAT'S -- WHAT'S HAP-- >> MY GOD.

I DON'T EVEN HEAR THE SHOTS.

[ PARROT SQUAWKS ] >> FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT'S

HOLY, GET BEHIND A TANK!

[ SPUTTERS, COUGHS ] [ METAL UNSHEATHES ]

[ WHISH! WHISH! ] [ BULLET ZINGS ]

>> I DON'T WANT TO DIE!

I DON'T WANT TO DIE!

>> HEY, GUNG-HO.

HOLD THAT THOUGHT.

[ BULLET ZINGS ] [ WHISH! SPLAT! ]

OOH-OOH-OOH.

FUMBLE.

>> [ WAILING ] [ BULLET ZINGS ]

[ EAGLE SCREAMS ] [ BULLET ZINGS ]

>> MAKE IT STOP!

MAKE IT STOP!

IS -- IS HE GONE?

[ BULLET ZINGS ] [ SPLAT! ]

>> YOU [BLEEP] YOU KILLED EVERYTHING I LOVE!

TAKE ME, TOO!

TAKE ME, TOO!

>> NO.

NO, YOU LIVE WITH IT.

>> WOW, UH, GREAT JOB, UH, TROUSERSNAKE.

>> IT'S FUMBLES.

IT WAS ALWAYS FUMBLES.

>> ♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK ♪ ♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK ♪

♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK-A-WAWK WAWK BAWK BAWK ♪

♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK ♪ ♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK ♪

♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK-A-WAWK WAWK BAWK BAWK ♪

♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK ♪ ♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK ♪

♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK-A-WAWK WAWK BAWK BAWK ♪

BA-GAWK! BAWK.

>> I JUST WANT TO BE CLEAR HERE.

I'M NOT SAYING LANDO'S PERFECT, BUT WHO IS?

AM I RIGHT?

I'M JUST SAYING IT WASN'T AN EASY DECISION TO MAKE.

REMEMBER "SCHINDLER'S LIST"?

SAME THING.

"ONE TO SAVE MILLIONS."

"ONE TO SAVE MILLIONS."

SAVED LEIA AND CHEWIE WHEN VADER ALTERED THE DEAL, RIGHT?

NOBODY MENTIONS THAT ONE, DO THEY?

WENT UNDERCOVER FOR MONTHS IN JABBA'S PALACE TO SAVE HAN, HUH?

¿NO RECUERDO?

BLEW UP THE SECOND DEATH STAR WITH THE PANCAKE KID!

I'M A [BLEEP] HERO, MAN!

I'M NOT SAYING I NEED A STREET NAMED AFTER ME, BUT IT WOULDN'T

HURT TO THROW A PENNY INTO A CALRISSIAN WISH FOUNTAIN EVERY

NOW AND THEN!

YOU KNOW WHAT I'D WISH FOR?

PEACE AND LOVE, BABY.

PEACE AND LOVE.