Original subtitles

[ THUNDER CRASHING ] [ DRILLING, SAWING ]

[ ELECTRICITY CRACKLING ] >> IT'S ALIVE!

[ ELECTRICITY CRACKLING ] >> IT'S ALIVE!

>> HEY, EVERYBODY.

I'M JOEY FATONE.

NOW, YOU MAY HAVE NOTICED I HAVEN'T APPEARED IN MANY

SKETCHES LATELY.

AIR-JO, [ergo] I DECIDED TO PITCH ONE OF MY OWN.

HERE WE GO.

SO, I'M SINGING AT THIS CHARITY EVENT AT THE SAN DIEGO ZOO, WHEN

ALL OF A SUDDEN, I COME ACROSS THIS KANGAROO.

TURNS OUT SHE LOST HER [CHUCKLES] JOEY -- YEAH, YOU SEE

WHERE THIS IS GOING.

ANYWAY, THE MAMA KANGAROO FALLS IN LOVE WITH ME AND REFUSES TO

LET ME LEAVE.

YOU KNOW, I APPEASE HER FOR A BIT, GO ALONG WITH THE RIDE,

UNTIL I REALIZE THAT HER BOXING TECHNIQUE IS THE EXACT THING I

NEED TO COMPETE IN THE WWE's ROYAL RUMBLE!

OOH!

I'M GETTING EXCITED JUST THINKING ABOUT THIS.

OH, AND DID I MENTION IT'S BEING HELD IN AUSTRALIA?

PUT ANOTHER SHRIMP ON THE BARBIE.

[ LAUGHS ] SO THE KANGAROO AND I

HEAD OUT ON AN ADVENTURE THAT'S PART "ROCKY," PART

"CROCODILE DUNDEE II."

IT ENDS WITH ME WINNING THE EVENT AND THE KANGAROO GETTING

REUNITED WITH HER ACTUAL JOEY.

YOU SEE, NOW I'M SORRY THIS IS JUST A PITCH AND NOT AN ACTUAL

SKETCH ALREADY.

BUT ANYWAY -- HANG TIGHT.

I'M SURE IT'S JUST A MATTER OF TIME.

[ ALL MUNCHING ] >> [ VOMITS, COUGHS ]

>> [ MUNCH! ] NOT -- NOT OKAY?

IS THAT NOT OKAY?

>> WOW!

I'M GETTING MY VERY OWN CAR!

>> AS LONG AS IT COSTS 100 BUCKS OR LESS.

>> BUT CARS COST MORE THAN THAT.

>> WELL, THIS ONE DOESN'T.

>> THAT'S...NOT A CAR.

>> OH, I WANT THAT ONE!

>> SOLD AMERICAN!

>> OH, WOW!

>> THANK YOU FOR PURCHASING ME.

LET'S GO ON AN AWESOME ADVENTURE.

>> [ LAUGHS ] THIS IS THE GREATEST PRESENT OF

MY LIFE!

>> [ SIGHS ] WELL, MIGHT AS WELL MAKE THE

BEST OF THIS CRAP SANDWICH.

>> MY NAME'S SCOOTER.

HELLO, NEW FRIEND.

>> WOW!

YOU'RE A ROBOT, TOO!

>> I'M BETTER THAN A ROBOT.

I'M A GO-BOT.

>> MAYBE THIS WILL BE A GREAT PRESENT AFTER ALL.

AHHH...YOU'RE KIND OF PUNY.

>> GOOD THINGS COME IN SMALL PACKAGES.

>> LIKE WHAT KIND OF GOOD THINGS?

DO YOU KICK A LOT OF ASS?

>> OH, NO. I HATE FIGHTING.

BUT I DO KNOW A LOT OF KNOCK-KNOCK JOKES.

>> OH, GOOD. THAT'LL BE HELPFUL.

LOOK, YOU GOT TO HELP ME.

BAD ENOUGH I GOT TO RIDE A [BLEEP] MOPED TO SCHOOL.

I DON'T WANT IT TO BE AN ANNOYING PUSS-BOT, AS WELL.

>> HEY, DON'T WORRY, KID.

I'LL SEE WHAT I CAN DO.

>> SAFETY FIRST.

ALWAYS WEAR EYE PROTECTION WHEN USING A BLOWTORCH.

>> THANKS FOR THE TIP.

>> [ SCREAMING ] >> SO, WHAT ARE YOU DOING, NOW?

>> DISABLING THE SERVOMOTOR, FOR STARTERS.

>> OH, AND THAT'S HOW THE MOTOR'S WIRED IN?

>> YEAH, RIGHT.

SO I'M CUTTING THOSE WIRES.

>> OH.

DID YOU GO TO SCHOOL FOR THIS?

>> SURE DID.

THERE'S A GREAT AUTOMOTIVE PROGRAM AT EAST VALLEY COMMUNITY

COLLEGE.

>> I'LL LET YOU RIDE ME AND EVERYTHING!

[ SHRIEKS ] >> WOW! THANKS!

IT'S AWESOME NOW!

>> WANT TO KEEP THE FACE?

>> NAH.

YEAH-HEH!

>> I DON'T WANT IT.

OH! 2 POINTS!

>> BUT HOW CAN YOU BE PREGNANT?

YOU SAID YOU HAD A SPONGE IN YOUR --

OH, YOU MEANT ME.

>> GEE, CASPER, I WISH WE COULD PLAY WITH YOU FOREVER.

>> YOU CAN!

>> HEY, THERE.

I'M BILLY -- BILLY JOEL.

WHAT'S YOUR NAME?

>> DAVY.

>> AND WHAT DO YOU DO?

>> I'M IN THE NAVY.

>> HOW LONG WILL YOU DO THAT, YOU THINK?

>> UH, PROBABLY FOR LIFE.

>> COOL.

"DAVY" RHYMES WITH "NAVY."

THAT'S CONVENIENT.

>> WHAT?

YOU BETTER NOT USE ME IN A SONG, MAN.

I'M ON THE RUN FROM A LOT OF CREDITORS.

>> NO PROBLEM, DAVY.

[ GRUNTS ] I HAVE ABSORBED YOUR STORY, MY

FRIEND.

AS THE ANCIENTS ATE THE HEARTS OF LIONS TO GAIN THEIR STRENGTH,

YOU ARE ONE WITH THE JOEL NOW!

ONE WITH THE JOEL!

[ LAUGHS EVILLY ] >> LEAPIN' LIZARDS, MOLLY.

IT SURE IS A HARD-KNOCK LIFE.

>> ACTUALLY, WE'RE VERY LUCKY, ANNIE.

>> BEING AN ORPHAN SURE DON'T FEEL LUCKY.

>> THEN TRY BEING AN ORPHAN IN THE PHILIPPINES, WHERE HUNDREDS

OF THOUSANDS OF ORPHANS ARE FORCED INTO PROSTITUTION, THANKS

TO SEX TOURISM.

IN AFRICA, AIDS HAS CREATED MILLIONS OF ORPHANS WHO WON'T

LIVE TO SEE PUBERTY.

>> WELL...I SURE DON'T LIKE THAT MEAN OLD MISS HANNIGAN.

>> WHAT DON'T YOU LIKE, EXACTLY -- THREE MEALS A DAY,

A WARM BED, NOT BEING HIV-POSITIVE, NOT PERFORMING

FELLATIO ON FOREIGN BUSINESSMEN?

THAT'S WHAT YOU DON'T LIKE?

>> UH, I THINK I'M GONNA GO SWEEP OVER THERE FOR A WHILE,

MOLLY.

GEE, PEPPER, MISS HANNIGAN SURE IS MEAN.

>> YEAH, I HATE THAT BITCH.

>> WE SURE HAD A GRAND ADVENTURE, ANNIE.

YOUR QUICK WITS AND SPUNKY CAN-DO SPIRIT SAVED US ALL.

IS THERE ANYTHING MY LIMITLESS POWER AND BILLIONS OF DOLLARS

CAN DO FOR YOU?

>> [ Echoing ] OVERSEAS ORPHANS...

FELLATIO ON FOREIGN BUSINESSMEN...

HIV AND AIDS...

>> HMM...

NOPE!

[ WHIRRING ] >> OH, NO, NO!

AW, DAMN IT.

I HAD IT. TOTALLY HAD IT.

[ DIALING RAPIDLY ] >> HEY, LARRY?

IT'S DAVE.

GET THIS -- I'M IN A PHONE BOOTH.

YEAH! YOU REMEMBER THOSE?

I KNOW -- WEIRD, RIGHT?

ALL RIGHT. SEE YOU LATER.

[ RATTLING ] >> AHOY!

>> IS THAT MY PRINCE?

OH, I KNEW YOU'D SAVE ME!

>> STAND BACK, MY LOVE.

WE WILL SOON BE TOGETHER.

>> IT WON'T BE LONG NOW BEFORE MY PRINCE TAKES ME IN HIS ARMS

AND -- OW!

CAREFUL, MY PRINCE.

YOU ALMOST -- WHOA!

[ CRUNCH! ] AAH!

OH, MY -- WHAT?

IT'S RAINING GLASS!

I'M BLIND!

PLEASE STOP THROWING THE HOOK!

OWWW!

IS THAT YOU, MY PRINCE?

>> I'M COMING, MY DEAR.

[ GRUNTS ] AHA!

NOW HURRY, MY LOVE.

WE DON'T HAVE MUCH T-- OH, GEEZ.

YOU'RE NOT EVEN PACKED.

>> NICE PLACE YOU GOT HERE, POPS.

YOU SHOULD PAY US FOR PROTECTION -- MAKE SURE NOTHING

HAPPENS TO IT.

>> OH, I'VE GOT A POLICY WITH ALLSTATE, SO I'M IN GOOD HANDS.

>> OH, YEAH?

YOU INSURED AGAINST THIS?

>> YES, THAT'S IN THE POLICY.

>> BUT NOW YOUR RATES WILL GO UP, RIGHT?

>> OH, NO!

I CAN'T AFFORD THAT.

>> [ LAUGHS ] WE'LL BE BACK FOR OUR MONEY.

HA HA HA -- BIG EXIT LAUGH.

>> I HATE SMALL-BUSINESS OWNERS.

>> OPERATOR, WHAT'S THE NAME OF THOSE WAR CRIMINALS TURNED

MERCENARY WHO GET PAID TO PROTECT YOU FROM CRIMINALS WHO

WANT TO GET PAID FOR PROTECTION?

[ GASPS ] OH, YEAH -- THE A-TEAM!

HOW EXCITING.

HANNIBAL, B.A. BARACUS, AND THE WHOLE TEAM.

>> NEGATORY ON THAT COMMUNIQUé, CHIEF.

YOUR CREDIT'S NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR THE A-TEAM.

WE ARE THE B-TEAM.

[ FAST-PACED FUNK MUSIC PLAYS ] G.D. -- GENERALLY DISPLEASED --

BARABAS.

>> BETTER NOT BE RIDING NO TRAINS.

I LIKE DRINKING MY APPLE JUICE.

>> NOAH "ASSMAN" HATHAWAY.

>> CHARMS AND KISSES FROM ME TO YOU.

>> PLAYED BOXEY ON THE ORIGINAL "BATTLESTAR GALACTICA."

CAPTAIN F.N. -- [BLEEP] NUTS -- MADLOCK.

>> PLE-E-E-E-ASE MAKE MY MEMORIES GO AWAY.

>> AND I'M HANDY BALL.

GOT THAT HANDLE UNDERCOVER IN HANOI.

DON'T ASK WHY, AND I WON'T TELL.

>> GOOD GOLLY, WHAT IS THE C-TEAM LIKE?

>> A BUNCH OF SURLY MIDGETS.

[ TIRES SCREECHING ] [ CLATTER ]

HERE'S THE DEAL, BOYS -- YOU LEAVE TOWN AND MY FRIEND HERE

DOESN'T CHANGE YOUR ZIP CODE TO ZERO-ZERO-ZERO-MY NOSE IS

BROKEN.

>> I GOT SYMPATHY FOR THAT CARD.

GRRRR!

>> UH, G-GIVE US JUST A SEC, HERE.

[ LOCK ENGAGES ] >> DAMN IT! THEY TRICKED US!

>> I CAN'T TAKE IT!

[ SHIVERING ] >> ARE YOU THINKING WHAT I'M

THINKING?

>> I LOVE IT WHEN A PLAN'S GONNA COME TOGETHER EVENTUALLY.

>> LET'S DO IT.

>> I LIKE USING BIG TOOLS.

>> [ SHIVERING ] >> [ COUGHING ]

>> OOH.

DEAD FROM CARBON MONOXIDE.

>> OH. OH, MY GOSH.

THIS IS THE WORST THING I'VE SEEN SINCE THAT OLD BAR OWNER

WAS BEATEN TO DEATH EARLIER TODAY.

>> DAVE, CHECK THIS OUT.

[ FAST-PACED FUNK MUSIC PLAYS ] >> OOH. TAKE THEIR TAPE.

[ "PIANO MAN"-STYLE TUNE PLAYS ] >> ♪ PETE IS A REAL-ESTATE

NOVELIST ♪ >> HEY, THAT'S ME!

>> ♪ THAT'S A CUTE WAY OF SAYING PETE'S BROKE ♪

>> WHAT?

>> ♪ I'LL LAUGH AT HIS LIFE WHILE I'M HUMPING HIS WIFE ♪

>> SHEILA?

>> ♪ 'CAUSE PETE'S TINY SCHLONG IS A JOKE ♪

>> [ GASPS ] >> ♪ MY PIANO, IT SOUNDS LIKE

GOD'S SYMPHONY ♪ ♪ AND MY MICROPHONE SMELLS LIKE

THE POOR ♪ ♪ THEY PUT BREAD IN MY CUP, AND

THEIR LIVES ALL SUCK ♪ >> HUH?

>> ♪ IF I QUIT THIS GIG, THEY'D LOSE ALL INTEREST IN LIVING,

SINCE LIFE WOULD HAVE NO MEANING, AND THEY'D BLOW THEIR

BRAINS OUT ONTO THE FLOO-O-O-R ♪ ♪ LA, DA, DE-DA-DA ♪

[ GUN COCKS ] ♪ LA, DE-DE, DA-LE-DA ♪

♪ DOWN ON YOUR KNEES, I'M THE PIANO GOD ♪

♪ PRAY TO THE SONGS THAT I'VE SUNG ♪

♪ TELL ME I'M TOO GOOD TO WORK HERE ♪

♪ THEN PUT MY BALLS RIGHT ON YOUR TONGUE ♪

GREAT -- ALL SINGLES.

>> HEY, JOEL...

HYAH!

>> [ GRUNTING ] >> [ LAUGHS ]

WHEW!

YEAH...

[ CELLPHONE CHIRPS ] >> Pete, this is your agent.

The publishers loved your novel.

Time to quit the real-estate biz, brother.

Oh, by the way -- the hospital called, and your wife died of

crotch rot.

[ Inhales sharply ] Sorry, man.

>> POETIC JUSTICE!!

>> ♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK ♪ ♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK ♪

♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK-A-WAWK WAWK BAWK BAWK ♪

♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK ♪ ♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK ♪

♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK-A-WAWK WAWK BAWK BAWK ♪

♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK ♪ ♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK ♪

♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK-A-WAWK WAWK BAWK BAWK ♪

♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK ♪ ♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK ♪

♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK-A-WAWK WAWK BAWK BAWK ♪

BA-GAWK! BAWK.

>> WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?

>> NICK FURY, DIRECTOR OF S.H.I.E.L.D.

I'M HERE TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT THE AVENGERS INITIATIVE.

>> IN MY HOUSE?

IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT?

[ FLOORBOARD CREAKS ] AND WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?

>> RUN, STUPID!

[ THUD ]