Original subtitles

[ THUNDER CRASHING ] [ DRILLING, SAWING ]

[ ELECTRICITY CRACKLING ] >> IT'S ALIVE!

[ ELECTRICITY CRACKLING ] >> IT'S ALIVE!

[ UPBEAT POP MUSIC PLAYS ] >> BLAM! BLAM!

I'M MAGNUM P.I.

♪ I WEAR HAWAIIAN SHIRTS, AND I GOT A HAIRY CHEST ♪

BLAM, PUNK!

VROOM, VROOM!

>> ALMOST TIME FOR DINNER, DEAR.

>> SHUT UP, HIGGINS!

>> PUH, PUH, PUH, PUH, PUH, PUH, PUH, PUH, PUH, PUH, PUH, PUH.

HOWDY, MAGNUM.

>> WHAT'S UP, T.C.?

>> I'M A HELICOPTER.

WUH, WUH, WUH, WUH, WUH, WUH.

>> THERE'S THAT MEDDLING PRIVATE INVESTIGATOR WHO BROKE UP MY

DRUG-SMUGGLING RING.

>> UH, YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?

>> SHIRT, HAT.

IT'S GOT TO BE HIM.

I'M GONNA TEACH THAT SON OF A BITCH A LESSON HE'LL NEVER

FORGET!

>> VROOM, VROOM.

>> GOTCHA, MAGNUM!

ALL RIGHT, MAGNUM.

WHO TIPPED YOU OFF?

WHO'S THE RAT IN MY ORGANIZATION?

>> I WANT MY MOMMY-Y-Y!

>> OKAY, I'M LOSING FAITH THAT THIS IS THE REAL MAGNUM.

>> WHAT MAKES YOU SAY THAT?

>> WELL, 'CAUSE THIS MAGNUM JUST CRAPPED HIMSELF.

>> WUH, WUH, WUH, WUH, WUH.

YOU ALL BETTER LET MAGNUM GO, SUCKERS!

WUH, WUH, WUH, WUH, WUH, WUH.

>> HOLY [BLEEP] THEY GOT A CHOPPER!

GET US THE HELL OUT OF HERE!

>> HOLD ON!

>> OH, MY GOD!

WE RAN OVER THAT KID!

>> WHERE'S YOUR AIR SUPPORT NOW, MAGNUM?

>> I WANT TO GO HO-O-O-ME!

>> THIS IS CRAZY!

STOP THE CAR!

>> WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

LET GO OF THE WHEEL.

[ EXPLOSION ] >> I'LL GET YOU NEXT TIME,

MAGNUM P.I.

>> WHAT?

WHAT THE HELL JUST HAPPENED?

>> [ WHIMPERING ] >> [ GROWLING ]

[ LAUGHS ] ONLY A SILVER BULLET CAN KILL

ME.

>> WELL.

>> UH.

NO! NO! AH! AH! AH! AH! AH!

STOP IT! STOP IT!

[ BREATHING HEAVILY ] HUH?

WHAT THE [BLEEP] OW! JESUS!

OW! OW! OW! OW!

>> [ GRUNTING ] [ FARTING SPORADICALLY ]

[ FARTING LOUDLY ] [ TOILET WATER SPLASHING ]

[ FARTING AND SPLASHING CONTINUES ]

[ FLUSHING ] >> THE BOOK SAYS HE'S STILL NOT

DEAD.

IT HAS TO BE A SILVER BULLET.

>> BUT THAT'S A BUNCH OF CRAP!

>> WHOOPS!

>> DR. BRUCE BANNER -- PHYSICIAN, SCIENTIST --

SEARCHING FOR A WAY TO TAP THAT.

[ VOCALIZING HOLIDAY MUSIC ] >> THERE YOU GO, BABY.

THANKS FOR SUCKING ON MY CANDY CANE.

>> THIS IS A LOLLIPOP.

[ TELEPHONE RINGS ] >> [ German accent ] DID YOU GET

SANTA'S DNA?

>> AND THEN SOME.

>> DID YOU GET THE DNA OF FROSTY THE SNOWMAN?

>> UH, SURE.

SURE, I DID.

>> EXCELLENT.

WHEN I COMBINE THE DNA OF SANTA CLAUS UND

FROSTY THE SNOWMAN, I CAN CREATE A HOLIDAY CALENDAR SO ALLURING,

NO CHILD ALIVE WILL EVER AGAIN FAIL TO ENJOY CHRISTMAS.

>> THAT'S NOT VERY EVIL.

>> CHRISTIANITY WILL REIGN SUPREME.

JUDAISM, HINDUISM, ISLAM, AND BUDDHISM SHALL WITHER AND DIE.

>> OH, NOW IT'S EVIL AGAIN.

[ THUNDER CRASHING ] >> YES!

YES!

OH, ALMOST FORGOT.

YES!

YES!

NOW, MY GLORIOUS CREATION, GO FORTH UND BRING CHRISTMAS TO THE

WORLD!

[ LAUGHS EVILLY ] >> HO.

HO, HO.

HO, HO, HO, HO, HO, HO.

LET'S START WITH YOUR GIFTS.

>> OH, BOY! OH, BOY! OH, BOY!

MMM!

[ CHUCKLES ] I LO-O-VE COOKIES!

[ LAUGHS ] HO, HO, HO, HO, HO!

HERE'S COMPOSITE SANTA!

>> AAH!

>> HO, HO, HO, HO!

>> OY! RIGHT IN THE MATZO BALLS.

>> HO, HO, HO, HO, HO, HO, HO, HO!

[ CHILDREN CHEERING ] >> HO, HO, HO, HO, HO!

>> OH, NO.

HE'S TOTALLY MASHING MY MELLOW, MAN.

WHY?

>> BOOM SHACKA LACKA!

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

I FORGOT THE BATTERIES?

OH, NOTHING RUINS CHRISTMAS MORNING LIKE -- AH.

HERE WE GO.

"C" CELLS.

BOOM SHACKA LACKA!

>> AND THE GENOCIDAL VILLAIN KNOWN AS COMPOSITE SANTA CLAUS

IS CURRENTLY STANDING TRIAL BEFORE A UNITED NATIONS

TRIBUNAL.

A DEATH SENTENCE SEEMS A SLAM DUNK.

>> OKAY, OKAY, PLAN "B."

GO GET ME THE DNA OF A KOMODO DRAGON UND A LEPRECHAUN.

AH, AND...GO!

[ LAUGHTER ] >> [ BREATHING LABORIOUSLY ]

>> THIS JUST IN.

A FIVE-ALARM FIRE HAS BROKEN OUT ON THE CORNER OF 101st AND

BROADWAY.

FIREFIGHTERS ARE WORKING DILIGENTLY, BUT POLICE SAY THERE

IS A CHILD STILL TRAPPED INSIDE.

[ BEEPING ] [ TIRES SCREECHING ]

[ SIRENS WAILING ] >> SOMEBODY HELP!

THERE'S A KID IN THERE!

[ HYDRAULICS WHIRRING ] >> [ TALKS INDISTINCTLY ]

I SEE YOU.

[ BREATHING LABORIOUSLY ] [ DOG WHIMPERING ]

[ GRUNTING ] [ DOG YELPS ]

>> AND JUST AS QUICKLY AS HE APPEARED, THE MYSTERY MAN

VANISHED.

JUST ANOTHER UNIDENTIFIABLE FIGURE IN A CITY OF EIGHT

MILLION.

WHOEVER YOU ARE, WE THANK YOU.

>> YEA-A-A-H.

[ BREATHES LABORIOUSLY ] >> HI!

I'M SELLING GIRL SCOUT COOKIES.

WOULD YOU LIKE SOME?

>> YEAH.

YOU GOT ANY SAMOAS?

>> OH, NO, I'M SORRY.

BUT I HAVE LOTS OF TREFOILS.

>> OH.

>> AAH!

>> WITH THIS GLAIVE, I SHALL SAVE PRINCESS LYSSA AND THE

PLANET KRULL FROM THE EVIL OF THE BEAST.

UGH.

THE GLAIVE IS STUCK IN MY BACK, ISN'T IT?

>> AN ENTIRE HIT SQUAD TAKEN DOWN JUST LIKE THAT?

IT'S IMPOSSIBLE.

>> NOT IMPOSSIBLE.

DAREDEVIL.

>> DAREDEVIL?

THAT'S JUST A MYTH.

>> OH, REALLY?

>> [ GASPS ] WHERE DID THAT COME FROM?

>> OKAY, IF I'M GONNA DO THIS RIGHT, I'LL NEED A GOOD, LET'S

SAY, 20 SQUARE FEET.

THAT MEANS I SHOULD KNOCK THE THUGS OUT...

HERE, HERE, AND...

HERE.

HEY!

HEY!

HOMELESS!

I'M PUTTING MY D's HERE, MY BIG FLAMIN' D's.

>> [BLEEP] YOU!

HEY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!

THAT GASOLINE IS JUST GONNA EVAPORATE.

>> YOU'VE GOT A POINT.

GIVE ME THAT STERNO.

>> HEY, I WAS GONNA EAT THAT!

HE-- [ CLANG! ]

>> OH, MY GOD!

HANNAH MONTANA, WILL YOU SIGN THE LATEST ALBUM FOR ME?!

>> OH, SURE.

WHERE IS IT?

OH, I DON'T BUY CDs ANYMORE.

SIGN MY iTUNES.

THANKS.

YOU'RE THE BEST.

OH! ONE MORE THING.

[ SCHOOL BELL RINGS ] SETTLE DOWN, PEOPLE.

[ CRYING ] LILLY, OLIVER.

WHY ARE YOU CRYING?

>> I'M CRYING BECAUSE MILEY -- >> Shh!

LILLY, WE GOT TO KEEP MILEY'S SECRET.

>> UH.

MILEY IS...

HOME WITH DIARRHEA.

[ LAUGHTER ] >> WELL, OUR MIDTERM IS

TOMORROW, SO LET'S HOPE HER STOOL TIGHTENS CONSIDERABLY.

>> OH, MILEY.

MY DARLIN' BABY GIRL.

>> OH, MR. STEWART, SUCH A SHAME ABOUT YOUR CLIENT.

WILL YOUR DAUGHTER, MILEY, BE COMING BY TO PAY HER RESPECTS?

>> [ SOBBING ] >> OH, THERE THERE.

A BIG HUG FROM YOUR DAUGHTER WILL CHEER YOU UP.

I'M SURE SHE'S JUST STUCK IN TRAFFIC.

>> OH, GOD.

ALL RIGHT, COME ON, LILLY.

HELP ME.

>> OLIVER, THIS FEELS WRONG.

>> HEY, WE WERE MILEY'S BEST FRIENDS.

WE GOT TO PROTECT HER SECRET AT ANY COST.

AND THAT MEANS GETTING HER TO THAT MIDTERM.

[ HORN HONKS ] >> [ GASPS ] OH, NO!

>> I'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH YOUR DRINKS, MISS LOHAN

>> HANNAH MONTANA?

THE TABLOIDS SAID YOU WERE DEAD.

I HATE THOSE LIARS!

HA HA!

YOU NEED SOME HAIR OF THE DOG.

HEY, WAITER!

[ BLOWS AIR ] WHO DO I GOT TO [BLEEP] TO GET A

FRESH ROUND OF MINNIE'S DRIVERS OVER HERE?!

>> OH, HEY, WHAT'S UP?

UH, DID YOU HAPPEN TO SEE A LIMP, BLOND GIRL FLY THROUGH THE

WINDOW?

>> OH, MY GOD.

>> WHOO-HOO! YEAH!

MéNAGE à [BLEEP] >> OH, NO, SEÑORITA LOHAN.

SE PUEDE PELIGRO MI TRABAJO.

>> I'M SORRY.

HANNAH'S GOT REHEARSAL.

>> [ LAUGHS ] REHEARSAL, URKEL.

LET'S HAVE AN ADVENTURE!

YEAH! [ LAUGHS ] AA-OO-GAH!

HA!

LOOK AT ME!

I'M BANKRUPT!

[ LAUGHS ] WHOO-HOO-HOO!

[ SCREAMING ] >> UH, LINDSAY.

>> CAPTAIN LOHAN!

>> AH, WATCH OUT!

>> IT'S VILE SHARKS!

THEY WANT OUR GOLD!

[ DOLPHINS CHIRPING ] NO WAY.

HE'S A WITCH!

[ SIZZLING! ] I GOT TO DROP SOME [BLEEP] OFF

AT THE POOL.

>> LET'S GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE.

>> OH, WHAT SMELLS LIKE A BABY'S ASS FULL OF INDIAN FOOD?

>> NO TALKING DURING THE TEST, PEOPLE.

>> THERE SHE IS!

>> WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?

>> MY DAUGHTER, MILEY, WHO IS REALLY...HANNAH MONTANA!

[ INDISTINCT SHOUTING ] >> OLIVER, DO SOMETHING!

>> RUN, MILEY!

RUN!

>> AND THAT'S HOW WE'LL END "HANNAH MONTANA" IF YOU EVER GET

KNOCKED UP LIKE THAT "ZOEY 101" WHORE!

GOT IT, CYRUS?

>> I WON'T, I WON'T.

I PROMISE.

[ SOBBING ] >> ♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK ♪

♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK ♪ ♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK-A-WAWK WAWK

BAWK BAWK ♪ ♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK ♪

♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK ♪ ♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK-A-WAWK WAWK

BAWK BAWK ♪ ♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK ♪

♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK ♪ ♪ BA-BAWK BAWK BAWK-A-WAWK WAWK

BAWK BAWK ♪ BA-GAWK! BAWK.

BAWK BAWK ♪ BA-GAWK! BAWK.