Original subtitles

[ THUNDER CRASHING ] [ DRILLING, SAWING ]

[ ELECTRICITY CRACKLING ] >> IT'S ALIVE!

[ ELECTRICITY CRACKLING ] >> IT'S ALIVE!

>> OH, LOOKS LIKE HE WAS SAYING, "GRAPE, GRAPE APE."

NOW I UNDERSTAND.

I DIDN'T HEAR THE "G," THOUGH.

DID ANYBODY HEAR THE "G"?

>> ♪ WELL, THERE ARE WORDS THAT YOU CAN SAY ♪

LIKE NOUNS, ADJECTIVES, AND VERBS.

♪ AND THERE ARE THINGS YOU JUST CAN'T SAY ♪

LIKE CURSES AND RACIST REMARKS.

♪ AND PEOPLE SAY IT'S NOT OKAY ♪ TO EVER CONFUSE THE TWO.

♪ 'CAUSE IT MAKES THEM FROWN ♪ [ TASER BUZZES ]

♪ BUT I THINK IT'S PROFOUND ♪ ♪ 'CAUSE MY TEACHER TELLS MY

FOLKS I'VE GOT TOURETTES ♪ >> ♪ DO, DO, DO, DO, DO, DO,

DO ♪ >> ♪ I SAY "BITCH" AND "PUSSY,"

BUT I REALLY MEAN TWO OF MY PETS ♪

>> ♪ DO, DO, DO, DO, DO, DO, DO ♪

>> ♪ I CAN SAY "ASS" 'CAUSE IT'S SOMETHING I SAW ♪

♪ SOME SAY IT'S A CURSE ♪ ♪ I SAY, "HEE-HAW" ♪

♪ I TALK IN A WAY THAT NO ONE GETS ♪

♪ 'CAUSE THERE ARE WORDS THAT SOUND THE SAME ♪

LIKE "DAM" AND "PECKER" AND "GAY."

♪ AND THEN SOME WORDS ARE SPELLED THE SAME ♪

LIKE "KNOCKERS" AND "COCK" AND "SNATCH."

♪ SO PEOPLE REALLY CAN'T COMPLAIN WHEN I USE THEM AS I

PLEASE ♪ ♪ 'CAUSE THEY'RE HOMONYMS ♪

♪ YES, THEY'RE HOMONYMS ♪ ♪ SO, WHEN I YELL OUT "FAG" AND

"CHINK" AND "DIKE" ♪ ♪ THEY MEAN DIFFERENT THINGS, SO

I'M CLEARLY WITHIN MY RIGHT ♪ ♪ I COULD JUST YELL OUT

"HOMONYM," BUT I PREFER THE "HOMO" SPIN ♪

♪ I'M TEACHING THE WORLD 'BOUT HOMO-NYMS ♪

YEAH!

>> All: ♪ I'M TEACHING THE WORLD 'BOUT HOMO-NYMS ♪

>> EVERYBODY!

>> All: ♪ I'M TEACHING THE WORLD ♪

♪ LET CLASS BEGIN ♪ >> AHH, AFGHANISTAN!

AN APPEARANCE BY THE VICE PRESIDENT SHOULD REALLY

PERK UP THE TROOPS.

>> SIR, I'M CONCERNED ABOUT THE SECURITY RISKS.

>> DON'T BE SUCH A BED-WETTING A-HOLE!

WE'RE TOTALLY INCOGNITO!

[ ROCKETS FIRE ] >> AA-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-H!

>> MR. AMERICAN VICE PRESIDENT, YOU HAVE SUFFERED A SEVERE HEART

ATTACK!

>> 35 AND COUNTING, JAFAR.

>> I HAD TO CONSTRUCT A PACEMAKER TO KEEP YOUR HEART

BEATING.

I'M AFRAID I DID NOT HAVE MUCH TO WORK WITH, BUT ON THE BRIGHT

SIDE, YOU CAN PLAY SIMON ON IT.

[ BEEPING ] HA HA HA, THAT'S VERY FUNNY.

COULD KEEP YOURSELF OCCUPIED FOR HOURS.

>> UGH!

NOW YOU WILL USE YOUR AMERICAN MILITARY SECRETS TO BUILD US

WEAPONS OR DIE!

>> LOOK, I MADE ONE ALREADY!

>> AAH!

>> I CALL IT THE CHENEY SPECIAL.

>> WE'LL TAKE 1,000.

>> MR. VICE PRESIDENT, IS THAT REALLY YOU?

>> WHO WANTS TO KNOW?

>> I'M TONY STARK.

I'VE BUILT WEAPONS FOR THE U.S.

MILITARY FOR DECADES.

DON'T WORRY.

I HAVE A PLAN.

I'VE SPENT THE LAST MONTH SECRETLY BUILDING THIS BATTLE

ARMOR RIGHT UNDER THEIR NOSES.

I'LL WEAR THE ARMOR, FIGHT MY WAY OUT OF HERE, CROSS THE

DESERT, FIND CIVILIZATION, AND GET YOU RESCUED!

>> AH-H-H.

[ CLANG! ] BOOYAH.

[ CRASH! ] [ CRASH! ]

GO [BLEEP] YOURSELVES!

[ ALL SCREAM ] GO [BLEEP] YOURSELF!

GO [BLEEP] YOURSELF!

GO [BLEEP] YOURSELF!

GO [BLEEP] YOURSELF!

GO [BLEEP] YOURSELF!

GO [BLEEP] YOURSELF!

GO [BLEEP] YOURSELF!

GO [BLEEP] YOURSELF!

GO [BLEEP] YOURSELF!

[BLEEP] YOURSELF!

[BLEEP] YOURSELF!

[BLEEP] YOURSELF!

[BLEEP] YOURSELF!

GO [BLEEP] YOURSELF!

[ SCREAMING ] [ GUN COCKS ]

>> AAH!

>> EH, THOUGHT HE WAS A BIRD.

>> ME CHUNK.

ME FRIEND!

>> UNH!

HUH?

[ GOBBLES ] >> [ SCREAMING ]

NO, STOP IT!

AAH, AAH!

>> SLOTH LOVE CHUNK!

>> [ SCREAMS ] >> I WAS WRONG ABOUT YOU,

CHRISTMAS JONES.

>> HOW SO?

>> I THOUGHT CHRISTMAS ONLY CAME ONCE A YEAR.

>> [ GIGGLES ] OH, JAMES.

>> THERE HE IS!

>> OH, I HEARD YOU SAVED THE WORLD -- AGAIN!

>> SO YOU AND CHRISTMAS JONES, HUH?

I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'RE TAPPING THAT!

>> SORRY TO BREAK IT TO YOU, BOYS -- MISS JONES IS ALREADY

YESTERDAY'S NEWS.

>> THIS IS ME, UP ON THE LEFT.

>> OH, THAT'S ODD.

I'D HAVE THOUGHT YOU LIVED ON 34th STREET.

>> OH, RIGHT, BECAUSE OF...MY NAME.

HA.

>> ALL RIGHT, LOVE, TIME TO DECK YOUR HALLS.

>> COULD YOU MAYBE STOP DOING THE PUN THING?

>> I CAN'T BELIEVE I MADE IT THIS FAR INTO CHRISTMAS WITHOUT

WRAPPING MY PRESENT.

>> WHA-- WAIT A SECOND!

I'M NOT ON THE PILL!

>> WELL, I HOPE YOU'VE BEEN DREAMING OF A WHITE CHRISTMAS.

>> UGH!

I JUST GOT A HEADACHE.

>> SO, WHEN DO I GET TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS?

>> UH...

>> SO I SAID, "I THOUGHT CHRISTMAS ONLY CAME ONCE A

YEAR."

>> JAMES...

>> THIS GUY'S A TOOL.

>> HE'S GOT A REALLY COOL CAR.

>> YOU'RE BREAKING UP WITH ME?

>> THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU, JAMES.

MAYBE IT'S JUST AN AGE THING.

>> WHAT, YOU THINK I'M TOO OLD FOR CHRISTMAS?

>> IF THAT HELPS YOU, YES.

>> [ SOBBING ] [ PEN CLICKS ]

OH, COME ON!

ONE OF THESE [BLEEP] THINGS HAS TO BE LOADED!

[ GROANS, CRIES ] SO I JUST LOOKED AT HER, AND I

SAID, "WELL, I'M SORRY, DEAR, BUT I'M CANCELING CHRISTMAS."

>> OH, YOU DOG!

>> YOU'RE ALWAYS HUMPING AND DUMPING.

YOU'RE THE BEST, JAMES!

>> AH, YOU KNOW ME -- I GOT TO BE JAMES.

[ CHUCKLES, WHIMPERS ] >> DID YOU ENJOY THE MOVIE, SIR?

[ ALL SCREAMING ] >> DELETE, DELETE!

[ SCREAMING CONTINUES ] >> I'M ON FIRE!

[ ALL CHOKING ] [ GUNSHOTS ]

[ BOTH SCREAMING ] >> I'VE GOT THE WEEKEND

BOX-OFFICE NUMBERS, SIR.

>> [ SIGHS ] [ SCREAMS, LAUGHS ]

>> WHO WANTS TO SEE WHERE DADDY WORKS?

>> ME, ME! I DO, I DO!

[ ALL SCREAM ] >> THE BOX-OFFICE RETURNS FROM

"THE ADVENTURES OF PLUTO NASH" CLAIMED OVER 57 LIVES.

IN 2003, THE UNITED STATES CONGRESS MEMORIALIZED THE

TERRIBLE TRAGEDY BY ESTABLISHING AUGUST 16th AS PLUTO NASH DAY.

>> WHO PACKED MY CHUTE?

>> I DID.

WHY? DON'T YOU TRUST ME?

>> ARE WE GONNA JUMP, OR ARE WE JUST GONNA JERK EACH OTHER OFF?

[ DOOR CLANGS SHUT ] >> BEHOLD!

AN INVITATION TO KING RANDOR'S BIRTHDAY PARTY!

THIS IS OUR CHANCE TO CONQUER CASTLE GRAYSKULL ONCE AND FOR

ALL!

>> I'M SURE WE'RE NOT ON THE GUEST LIST, SKELETOR.

>> OF COURSE NOT, YOU STUPID [BLEEP]

BUT WHAT IF WE HAD A MAGICAL CLONE OF HE-MAN?

>> WELL, I SUPPOSE, HYPOTHETICALLY.

>> UNH-UNH-UNH, WE DO!

WE HAVE A MAGICAL CLONE OF HE-MAN.

>> ♪ DA DA-DA DAA ♪ >> WHAT THE HELL IS THIS,

BEAST MAN?

HE'S BLUE!

>> WELL, I'M HALF-DOG.

EVERYTHING'S SHADES OF GRAY TO ME.

>> ME HE-MAN!

>> OH, AND HIS PERSONAL PRONOUNS ARE ALL [BLEEP] UP.

I MEAN, WHERE'S THE VERB IN THAT SENTENCE?

[ GROANS ] EH, I'M A GAMBLER.

>> THAT'S THE THING ABOUT FEUDAL AGRICULTURE.

[ CRASH! ] [ ALL GASP ]

>> HEY, JUST WHO THE HECK DO YOU THINK YOU --

>> OUT MY WAY, HOMO!

>> HE HIT THAT NAIL ON THE HEAD.

>> [ GOBBLING ] >> [ GASPS ]

HE-MAN!

WHAT A PLEASANT SURPRISE!

WE WEREN'T EXPECTING YOU.

>> NICE BOOBIES!

>> OH!

OH, MY.

THANK YOU, HE-MAN.

>> HE-MAN, YOU LOOK COLD!

I BROUGHT YOU SOME PIPING-HOT -- AAH, AAH!

MY EYES ARE BLISTERING!

WHY-Y-Y?!

[ LAUGHTER ] >> WE'LL SEE ABOUT THIS!

HA!

[ MUFFLED SHOUTING ] >> [ LAUGHS ]

YOU HEAR THAT?

FAKER MUST BE GOING ALL BLOOD-CRAZY ON THEIR ASSES!

>> ♪ LET'S HAVE A PARTY ♪ [ UP-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS ]

>> WHAT DID I MISS?

>> HE-MAN PULLED THE STICK OUT OF HIS BUTT, AND HE'S WHIPPING

THIS PARTY'S ASS WITH IT!

WHOO!

>> WHAT THE HELL, MAN?

[ ALL GASP ] WELL, WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO SAY

FOR YOURSELF?

[ ALL GASP ] >> ♪ LET'S HAVE A PARTY ♪

[ CROWD CHANTS "HE-MAN" ] >> OH, POOPIE.

[ MUSIC CONTINUES ] >> HEY, EVERYBODY!

I'M HERE!

IT'S ME, THE REAL HE-MAN!

[ MUSIC STOPS ] >> AAH! AAH!

YOU LITTLE TURDS!

>> THOSE -- THOSE WERE MY ARCHENEMIES!

HOW DARE YOU!

>> All: TWO HE-MANS?

>> WOULDN'T THE PLURAL BE HE-MEN?

>> All: WHICH ONE IS THE REAL HE-MEN?

>> CITIZENS OF ETERNIA, I AM SHOCKED AT THIS BEHAVIOR!

EXCESSIVE VIOLENCE?

BINGE DRINKING?

HAVEN'T I SET A BETTER EXAMPLE THAN THAT?

[ CROWD JEERS ] >> YOU STINK!

>> THIS HE-MAN SURE SUCKS THE FUN OUT OF A ROOM.

>> YOU'RE RUINING MY PARTY!

>> I -- >> I'LL MAKE THIS SIMPLE.

EVERYONE WHO THINKS THIS IS THE REAL HE-MAN, RAISE YOUR HANDS!

>> EVERYONE WHO THINKS THIS IS THE REAL HE-MAN, RAISE YOUR

HANDS!

>> WELL, THEN IT'S SETTLED.

>> ♪ LET'S HAVE A PARTY ♪ >> DANCE, DANCE, DANCE!

OH, YEAH, I BOOGIE, BOOGIE!

DANCE, DANCE, DANCE!

>> WELL DONE, PRINCE ADAM!

>> WHO PRINCE ADAM?

>> OOPS!

>> BOOGIE, BOOGIE, BOOGIE!

[ UP-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS ] >> ♪ LET'S HAVE A PARTY ♪

♪ DON'T YOU BE TARDY ♪ ♪ LET'S HAVE A PARTY ♪

♪ DON'T BE A SMARTY ♪ >> GO [BLEEP] YOURSELF!

GO [BLEEP] YOURSELF!

GO [BLEEP] YOURSELF!

GO [BLEEP] YOURSELF!

GO [BLEEP] YOURSELF!

GO [BLEEP] YOURSELF!

GO [BLEEP] YOURSELF!

GO [BLEEP] YOURSELF!

GO [BLEEP] YOURSELF!

GO [BLEEP] YOURSELF!

GO [BLEEP] YOURSELF!

GO [BLEEP] YOURSELF!

GO [BLEEP] YOURSELF!

GO [BLEEP] YOURSELF!

>> AA-A-A-A-H!

>> BOOYAH!