Original subtitles

Like the Lord our God above shall destroy them with a mighty destruction

they all be destroyed.

Through God's teachings, we can be the monster truck. We can smush the things

that the devil puts in our way.

Can I get an amen?

Y 'all know I don't like to cuss, but what in the hell is this horseshit I'm

looking at right now? This has nothing to do with church.

Like fools talking about we could be like a monster truck.

I can't believe you all let them pull this Hot Wheels mess.

They're not good turnouts. At least they're very profitable.

Right, ain't they?

That's got to count for something, putting butts in the seats.

Money ain't everything, baby. What we're going to do is start selling beer next.

Get your asshole beer here.

and on TV to be all kind and caring but I know the truth.

You think I just live with it?

What have you done to my family?

Please, Maymay, this ain't the way.

Now it's your turn to feel.

of the evangelical world.

Our capes embrace us like the arms of Jesus Christ.

We wear it in celebration of his love.

The pistol gives the power to take life.

The Lord gave us free will to do as we choose.

Thusly, it is a righteous man who wears the pistol yet does no evil.

Under the eyes of God, we are the men of the Cape and Pistol Society.

You better believe I'm gonna be fishing and sipping. Fishing and sipping. You

scared your kids gonna blow it.

Very much.

Yeah, heaven on earth. Amen.

Take it in while you can.

What, man?

Really, Gregory?

I had a fucking thing planned.

I'm sorry, Jess.

What's happening right now?

Well, go on, Gregory. You want to spill the damn beans, speak out of turn, tell

them. Do it, damn it.

You're fired, Walker.

Take it like a man, if you can.

What are they talking about, Jesse? I've driven your daddy for years, and you

know I would take a bullet.

Well, I used to think that until I started seeing little tidbits about my

being published online. Little insights into the transition of power.

You got the wrong guy, Jesse.

Behold, this was published in Christian Times.

After the Gemstone heirs got the dismal poll numbers, Amber Gemstone made sugar

cookies to lighten the mood.

Says an insider to the family.

I ain't the only one you told that story to, Jesse. It's a nice story.

Sugar cookies ain't real, bitch.

That's a detail I made up to sniff out the rat. She made crescents, son.

You're the only one I told sugar cooks to, you fucking snitch. Grab his ass.

Come on, now.

No, no, no, no, no. Here we go.

Here we go. Come on. Keep an eye out, Levi.

Get your soul.

Jess, come on. Get it.

Now we go. What?

Hey, how you doing? We're just having fun.

You brought me all the way to Florida just to fire me? Yes, I did.

When your family asks how you broke your nose, tell them it was a kite surfing

accident.

My nose ain't broken.

Yeah, it is.

Kite surfing's a lot harder than it looks.

How was your Judy on top tour? Fun?

You know, it's life on the road.

Port to port, city to city, screaming fans.

Thank you.

Hey, that was a cold fish kiss.

Everything okay, Jude?

I've been on a five -day tour, Beach. I'm tired.

Cut me some friggin' slack.

Oh, my gosh.

Well, my famous wife.

I always knew when I married you, I'd have to share you with the world.

Okay. I gotta go.

What? Already?

Well, I have work duty, Beach. Me and my brothers run the church now.

I love you so much.

I love you, too.

So glad you're home.

Oh, Keith.

If it's gonna hurt, no doubt.

We'll wipe them off their stock.

That shop's gonna have nothing else to sell like this.

Until they restock.

And then what?

And we'll return and buy it all again.

Remember yourself, Taryn.

No. No, she has a point.

We're trying to shut these deviants down.

I'd give them an economic boost, but I'm still...

So impressed by you guys.

This just shows me how motivated y 'all are to achieve the goals of the Smut

Busters. No smut, no lust, no coconut.

Come on, y 'all.

Part of being in the group is doing the thing when we do it. I did not know what

was happening.

LASIK surgery, we have restored sight to the blind, or at least the nearsighted.

These primitive people can see Christ's world and read signs at night much

better because of us.

Well, I'm not sure how many of these primitive people are reading street

at night in the rainforest, and that's not really the main reason why we did

I didn't say it was the main reason. Well, you are heavily featuring it,

Okay, boys, time to wrap it up. They're trying to get back to me singing. We're

accompanying the montage, Judy. You're not the main part.

Yeah, this isn't a solo tour, Judy. We're doing our thing right now. Thank

You're not the main reason.

Illumination will set you free.

Illumination, soon you will see.

Took care of your driver, Walker.

That bitch is history, daddy.

Lying sneak.

I don't need a new driver.

Somebody we can trust this time.

We'll get you one.

Hopefully, maybe Judy and Kelvin could help out, seeing as how I do every other

goddamn thing around here lately. Man, Jesse, shut the fuck up. You ain't the

boss of us. I'm the main decider. We're all deciders, Jesse, not just you.

Oh, please, Kelvin.

You and old Slow Eyes over there are off doing your damn pervert protests to

help with the church at all. The smut busters?

have already taken down 16 porno shops on the I -95 corridor alone.

Well, I'm glad that truck drivers won't be able to buy dick pills anymore.

Bravo. Look, the point is that none of y 'all but Jesse are doing anything

important. You know, this has been a really hard time for our family. Our son

was injured, almost killed, in a work accident.

Mom, please don't. This has been very traumatic for us, and y 'all don't even

care. Gideon, your mom was trying to moon -challenge you. Amber, you need to

stop trying to milk sympathy votes for your son being a crippled, okay?

Jesse, get her out of the line. Maybe you need to talk about Baron Munchausen.

Can we please just eat in peace?

Unfortunately, I have some not -so -peaceful news.

As you all know, since your daddy has taken a step back, there has been a

decline in both attendance and donations.

I have noticed that the seats high up have been empty more and more.

And now I've been informed that one of our largest benefactors is departing.

Who? The race car driver, Dusty Daniels.

Dusty Daniels?

The Slick Bandit?

That guy's a living legend.

Well, he's like 100 years old. He's gonna be dead soon anyway, so oh well.

ministry was to receipt his entire estate, including branding, corporation,

his name.

So what? We got names. Don't need his. His name is currently estimated to be

worth over $200 million.

Huh?

Motherfucker! We were also set to inherit Dusty's trademark slogan, Woo

sucker! Merchandising alone,

Over 30 million.

Is this because of the goddamn shitty poll numbers?

Which shitty poll numbers, Jesse?

The ones where 85 % said you're colder than a fucking ice cube shoved up a

bear's asshole?

I remember those same pollsters saying that your songs are when most people in

church go to take a shit.

Prove it, Jesse.

I will.

Maybe if y 'all stopped hand -picking at one another and started trying to fix

what ain't working, you wouldn't be in this situation.

Y 'all need to go connect with him. Win his confidence.

If Dusty's not happy, I don't blame him.

I will try to go and minister to him. We'll see if these guys will help.

I'll do it, Tony.

Grow up.

It's been a real talk, dawg. I don't get this race car shit. Bunch of rednecks

racing around, seeing who can go nowhere the fastest.

Okay, well, now's not the time to be PMSing Judy.

She's been a real B -I -T -C -H since she got back from tour.

Man, why's everybody wondering about my tour?

I mean, what happened on tour?

I sang fucking songs.

Okay, that's it. End of story.

Somebody's been acting mysterious.

Fuck off. What happened on tour?

Here he comes. Fuck off. Nothing.

By the way, I'm on my period, not PMSing. Guys, here he comes.

Big smiles. Okay. Cheers. Big cheers. Yes!

Ah, yes!

Woo!

Yes!

Woo!

Sucker! The slick bandit. Looker than ever. God's bestest son on four wheels.

Someone's fixing for a comeback.

Wasting your time coming up here.

Ain't nothing the three of you can say gonna change my mind.

Okay. Let me shoot you straight.

Your church has changed.

See, when Eli was heading things up, I was happy.

Now that he ain't, I don't like it so much.

The thing is, we are going to make this right, okay? We're young and up to the

task, dude.

See, that's the thing.

I don't trust young people in the old school.

Well, you know, actually, we are not as young as you think we are. I mean,

Kelvin does Botox.

I don't do Botox. You do. You do, too, do Botox. I've done Botox. Okay, then

is there an indention where your sunglasses smush your Botox forehead?

There isn't one.

Yeah, there is. Right here.

Jesse got more gray than you do, man.

Dude is rocking a bad dye job.

He didn't used to look like a deformed Dracula.

I do not look like a deformed Dracula. Yeah, you do.

I don't dye my hair. I just change my shampoo, is all, you idiot. See?

Right there.

When I used to watch you, Mama and Daddy, I felt the love.

It was nice.

I don't feel the love in this current configuration, so I'm pulling up my

and I'm making a change.

We love each other. We do. We're in love with each other. All of you, too.

Woo -wee! Zucker!

Oh, there you go.

Well, what a night.

Metro, we fly through power.

Set to explode. Jesus in Jerusalem. Home building of police. Fucking symptoms.

Nuclear scream.

Warheads are ready to fight.

Yeah, black leather hounds.

Fast as a sound.

Metal or purpose in life.

Baby, it's black metal.

Good to see you. Custer, tell me you have not signed with these snake oil

salesmen. Oh, take it easy, Jesse.

We don't want no ill will with the gemstones.

Dusty and our family go way back.

I worship with them now.

Yeah, pull yourself up by your bootstraps, that folks. I like that.

handed it to them. After Mom and Dad died in the plane crash, I had to raise

siblings.

I could have returned Craig to the orphanage, but I knew my parents

have wanted that. So we banded together to finish what they so humbly had

started. Look where we are today.

Helping millions around the world. And getting bigger every day.

Yes, ma 'am.

Hey, Dusty.

You are looking good.

I appreciate that, Shay.

You ain't looking so bad yourself.

Hey, Dusty.

What's up, boy? I also think you're a hot man.

Not just Shay. She's not the only one here. How am I looking to you right now?

Pretty good, too?

Sure.

All y 'all look good.

It ain't all about the looks.

And that's a really good thing, because if it were...

We'd win by a mile. Am I right? You're right.

Our bodies. Not a damn one of you looking as fine as me.

You're gorgeous, Craig.

Oh. Dusty, you've worshipped with our family for 35 plus years.

You gotta give us another shot.

I'll tell you what.

Y 'all want me to be a member of your church so bad.

Why don't you battle for me?

Battle? What do you mean? Like a foot race? Or see who can hold their breath

longest? Like an egg talk?

No.

Let's settle it in one of those.

I don't really know stock cars.

Chickens, Simpkins.

What are you doing?

You. Duffy, we feel the Lord has led you to where you're supposed to be.

Worshiping with us.

I'll drive on behalf of my family.

Who? What are you doing?

Try to hold your hands.

Happy fuckers.

Dusty, we as well have also believed that the Lord wants to have you

on our side too. So on behalf of my family, I will drive out too.

So awkward.

So there he is.

Let me see you go.

Okay, homie. You sure you got that? Come on, my car at home is fast as fuck. How

can this be any different?

Besides, you heard him. He says he's got zero experience.

Well, I said no experience in stock cars.

I've dabbled in Formula One.

That son of a bitch.

Okay, I'm just gonna F it up. Yep.

Let's race!

Go get that car.

Let me see you go.

Since I retired, this change has given me time to reflect on my life and my

journey with Christ.

I've put these reflections down in a written word.

My definitive autobiography.

Why definitive, you ask?

Well, because it's about the third one I've written.

I guess I lived longer than I thought, and I still have a little more to say.

Thank you very much for coming. I knew I recognized you.

God bless you and have a great day. Thank you.

You got a lot

of nerve coming here.

Well, I paid the signing fee.

Figures you have to pay money to get a little face time. We've got a

order against you. Security?

I need your help, Eli. I don't care what you need.

Well, Amy Lee would hear me out. You know she would. How dare you say her

Get her out of here. But, Eli, please, I need your help. Just get out of here.

It's my boys, Eli.

Get out. I wouldn't have come to you otherwise.

Let go of me. Out.

39 Christian marriage counselors were brought on as consultants to ensure that

the system was effective.

A program you can use at home to help your marriage better honor Jesus Christ.

For just $500, you get the System Starter Kit.

which has everything you need to begin your journey to a happy and healthy

marriage in the eyes of the Lord.

Is your marriage important to you?

Then what are you waiting for?

Call now!

Well, did y 'all get Dusty back?

Nope. Lost him to the fucking Simpkins, of all people. The siblings whose

parents died in a plane crash?

Yes. They're so fucking lucky.

Wish that I had some traumatic event that happened to me that I could exploit

and make people like us.

I mean, our origin story sucks compared to theirs.

I mean, nobody's rooting for born wealthy people to become more wealthy.

I'm really worried.

Are you?

No. A little concerned. You know, obviously I wish that Judy and Kelvin's

were taped shut and that you were the only one in charge.

Maybe their energy makes you all look desperate.

Well, I mean, that's because we are desperate.

We're picking up where Eli Gemstone left off, a man who's done this job for,

like, fucking hundreds of thousands of years and is America's Jesus Daddy.

Look, I'm not trying to rain on your parade. You know, I'm really glad you

your counseling, you know, thingamabob, you know, whatever this is.

The system.

Sure, whatever.

It seems like it's taking up a lot of your time, and this is a moment when I

could really use all hands on deck at home.

What's not getting done at home? I don't know if you noticed, but our son,

Pontius, has tattooed another word on his fucking face.

Blessed. I know.

It just seems like you're, you know, giving a lot of attention to other

relationships, and perhaps if you focus more on your own, you know, we wouldn't

have children putting fucking calligraphy on their faces.

Look, baby, I know that you're upset, but please don't take it out on me,

A small decline was to be expected with this kind of transition.

You know what it's like when Jay Leno took over for Carson?

It was rocky there for a bit, but what happened in the end?

Leno shot to the top.

What if we're not Leno?

What if we're just Conan?

Fuck me.

This ministry helped me unlock the best version of myself.

And I'm not just saying that because I'm married into the family.

Who knows what Gemstone Salvation Center can do for you?

Now, Janice and Tall J have enrollment packages.

Scan the QR code for easy, step -by -step instructions on how to have

automatically deducted from your account each month.

It's never been easier to share your praise.

Man,

I am crushing my welcome center duties. They were feeling me today.

Yeah, you're really working it. That's for sure. Here, I got you some gifts.

Gifts? Yeah. Why?

I just was thinking about what a good husband you are and how much I love you.

Go ahead, take a look.

Okay.

An infrared meat thermometer?

Theragun?

A VR headset?

Wow.

I've been wanting one of these.

Now I can fully immerse myself in the nature and space games that I gravitate

toward.

These are really thoughtful, Judy.

But this isn't necessary.

God dang, why you got to kick my gift horse in the nuts right now?

Is everything okay?

Feels like things have been a little off since you got back from tour.

Oh, my God.

What?

No, everything's great. Why are you reading stuff into things?

Everything's awesome.

I just love you and wanted to give you presents.

Don't emotionally disappoint me right now.

Well, I love you too. Thank you for the gifts.

Just like any family, we've had our ups and downs.

And it's no secret we face some controversy.

In the early 2000s...

We found ourselves in a war with the press and detractors.

My wife would stay awake, concerned with how people saw her.

That they were getting the wrong message.

I assured her.

Do you mind if we take a little break?

Yes, sir. You can take a small break.

Goddamn. The hell are y 'all cooking out here?

Devil's objects.

Devil's objects?

I don't think you're supposed to be burning this stuff. This shit's

Yeah, I don't feel very well.

The smoke was green from some of the butt plugs.

It smelled like pool toys.

Keith, how about we take a little break from the burn pit?

Give us a moment.

What you doing here, Jesse?

Still trying to fight?

Talking about how you're the only one doing things?

No, actually, that's not what I'm here to do.

I came to apologize.

Really? Sorry I made fun of your Botox -indented forehead in front of Dusty.

That's not how co -church leaders should act.

Well, I don't have a dented Botox forehead.

I just hold it in my face funny.

Well, you know, even if you do. Well, I don't.

But if you do dye your sideburns, I'm sorry I said that you look like a

Dracula. Well, I don't dye my sideburns, but I accept your apology.

Good. Great.

Okay, because I don't...

Have a Botox forehead.

All right.

I'm scared, Jesse.

What if we don't have what it takes?

Yeah, I'm scared, too.

The only way through this, I guess, is if we just have to rise to the occasion.

Refuse to fail.

How are we going to do that?

Together.

Do we have to include Judy?

Even that bitch.

The diva is back, y 'all.

Hey, everybody. What's up? What's up?

Hey, Steven, I'm glad you're here. Would you be up for going through some guitar

solo stuff on Angels Lift Me Higher? Sure.

Hey, everybody, listen up.

Steven and I need to work on some important creative stuff with guitar

stuff for one of the songs. So if everybody could leave us alone, that

great. Y 'all get it?

Artistry. Get a little rest or get you a Coke or whatever. See you soon,

Timothy. You did a great job on tour.

Oh, fuck.

I missed this.

Being bad like some bitch in an 80s movie.

So glad I had to come and unload the last of that tour gear.

I had to steal.

You saw me.

And now...

Time to nut up because roadhead is roadhead.

That's just the rules of the tour. Okay, we can't be bringing this shit home. We

helped each other through a very trying time in our lives by dry humping twice

and kissing three times. Now that's four.

But we can't take this any further or we would cause some real damage.

So this, this is goodbye, Steven.

You're just going to have to suffer through the pain.

Very well, Judy Chepstone.

Quit, Susan.

I said quit.

You understand me?

What the fuck is this?

And that's how that part of the song goes. It goes like up and then down, and

that's that song.

I should go practice.

No, you should keep your fucking ass right here.

You're cheating, Judy.

Gross. No, Calvin, this ain't what you think.

Oh, it's not? Do you know this young lady is married?

Yeah, I am too. Oh, yuck.

Y 'all a bunch of dirtbags. Calvin, I'm trying to tell you, you fucking dork,

we're rehearsing a song. This is not a deal.

Great rehearsal, Steven. Good day to you.

Thank you for rehearsing.

Enchanté. Yeah, enchanté, motherfucker. You can go right now. You come back

around here again, I'll stick your ass straight to hell. I work here, though.

Not anymore, you don't, bro. He works for me. As main decider, the

is fired. Well, he's rehired. Well, guess what?

I'm refiring him for infinity.

Bye -bye, bitch.

You have to. Two outposts, one. Get the fuck out of here. Keep going, Steven.

Sugar Ray looking motherfucker.

Get the fuck out of here. Get out of here. Okay.

Get out.

Don't stomp him, Jesse.

Fuck, he's leaving.

What the fuck, Judy?

You think we can handle this kind of scandalous bullshit right now? Oh, fuck

off, Jesse.

Like you ain't done your fair share of illicit shit.

I was on tour, y 'all.

Okay? This is the shit that happens on the road.

What the fuck are y 'all even here for anyway?

We came here to do something nice, okay? To have a fucking sibling bonding pep

talk about the future. Instead, I come here to see a... Fine.

Let's fucking pep it up, bros.

Come on. Put your hands in. New generation on three. I'm saying how we

We're holding hands.

Give me your fucking hands.

Go on. Hold her fucking hand.

To the new generation.

To unite it.

Okay,

Jesse, this is not natural.

We do not hold hands.

When the Simpkins hold hands, it seems fucking natural.

We ain't a holding hands family. Okay, dude, we never have been. We do hands on

hands, okay? We're not the freaking Simpkins. You can sure as shit say that

again.

Y 'all don't tell on me.

Been a while since you've been here.

Yes, it has.

I'm surprised you want anything to do with this place after all the bad

memories.

That's all I got left.

After Peter went away... I'm not here to talk about Peter.

After he went away, the bank took the house.

The boys turned mean, bitter.

They scared me, Eli.

I know you haven't spoken to the family in many years. I had good reason for

that. And I had good reason to do what I done. Here we go. Here we go. Look at

you, Mr. Hot Chop Preacher. You got more piss and vinegar than you did when you

was begging for help.

What's this about?

Peter got out.

My boys left me and followed them. I think they're in trouble. I don't know

they're selling guns or drugs or what.

Do you expect me to do something?

I'd die without my boys.

I got no one else. Please, Eli.

After all this time, why should I help you?

Because you're my big brother, Eli.

Please help us win, God.

Please help everyone accept us and for us to be triumphant over those that

seek. to destroy us.

Do we have confirmed visual?

Visual confirmed.

Go right into me. You fucked up my bumper.

Oh, don't even try it. You were at fault here.

Let's say your insurance is behind you.