Original subtitles

[theme music]

- The Coca-Cola Company proudly presents the most famous family

in America--

Ozzie, Harriet, David, and Ricky, the Nelson family.

Like a good many other American husbands,

Ozzie is a valiant do-it-yourselfer,

and with Grandma Nelson's old cuckoo

clock that hasn't run in 30 years,

he's got a king-size problem.

But here comes Harriet with a king-size answer--

king-size Coca-Cola.

Yes, whenever you need real refreshment,

you want ice cold sparkling Coca-Cola,

with the cold, crisp taste, the lively refreshing new feeling

that only Coke can give.

And when you want more of the world's best refreshment,

you want king-size Coca-Cola.

After you pour, still lots more.

A second glass for you.

Yes, your family's biggest king-size refreshment value

is king-size Coke.

[cuckoo]

- Yeah, when you want to be really refreshed,

have an ice cold Coca-Cola.

- Make it king size.

- And now, the Coca-Cola Company invites you to enjoy "The

Adventures of Ozzie and Harriet."

- I want to take this opportunity

to welcome all the husbands here this evening.

As you know, this is the first in our series of lectures

and we hope you won't find them too boring.

At any rate, let's give a nice round

of applause for the men, shall we?

- Where's Joe?

- He had to go to a business meeting.

He said he'd get here as soon as he could.

- And now it gives me great pleasure

to introduce our guest speaker for this evening.

Ladies and gentlemen, Dr. Hildegard Cosgrove.

- Thank you, very much, ladies and gentlemen.

It certainly is a pleasure for me

to have been invited to speak here

at the Women's Club tonight.

The subject of extrasensory perception

has been given considerable space in the news recently.

- Oh, hi, Oz.

- Hi, Joe.

- Is the lecture about over?

- Are you kidding?

It's just starting.

- Clara said it started at 8 o'clock.

- No, no, no, no, 8:30.

- Well, that's a dirty trick.

If I'd known that, I could have stayed a little longer

at the malt shop.

Obviously, she doesn't trust me.

- The malt shop?

Well, she said you were at a business meeting.

- I was.

While I was down there, I paid my bill.

- In other words, you were hiding out.

- Naturally.

Who wants to listen to Mrs. Bradford tell about her trip

through the painted desert?

- No, no, no.

That's next month.

- Oh, good.

Well, come on, let's go back to the mall shop and wait.

- Joe, as long as you're here anyway,

you might as well go in.

- Well, what's the lecture about?

- Extrasensory perception.

You know, ESP they call it.

- You mean that mind reading stuff?

- Yeah.

- Sounds pretty dull.

- Oh, look, I'll join you in a couple of minutes.

- Where are you going?

- Well, I want to get a drink of water.

See, that was my excuse for coming out here,

and I always believe in telling the truth.

- Hey, that's a good idea.

I'll join you.

- Now which one am I concentrating on?

- The star?

- Excellent.

Well, that's 6 out of 10.

Oh, thank you, very much.

So as you've seen demonstrated here this evening,

ladies and gentlemen, most of us have extrasensory perception

developed to a certain degree and some of us

do an amazing degree of accuracy.

For some reason, which I shall leave to speculation,

the ladies seem to have a higher degree

of this extraordinary faculty than the men.

However, that's merely my own personal observation.

It's interesting to note that I have

seen several authenticated cases where a person has received

a hard blow on the head or some other similar shock,

and immediately following this, his extrasensory perception

or ESP, as we refer to it, has increased sometimes

to an amazing degree.

You understand I'm merely reporting this.

I'm not advising anyone to take such drastic measures.

I'm sure the results wouldn't merit the discomfort.

Furthermore, they're not guaranteed.

Well, a little later in the evening,

I'm going to try to answer any questions that you may care

to ask, and I also have a few more case histories

that I'd like to relate to you.

Meanwhile, however, I seem to be getting a very strong thought

wave from this group.

You're all concentrating on the cake and coffee in the lounge.

So why don't we adjourn for about half an hour?

- Isn't she wonderful?

- She certainly is.

- I'm not so sure.

While I was out there, I took a look and we're having cookies

and punch tonight.

- Here you are, Harriet.

Ace, deuce, three, four, five.

- Thank you.

- And remember, girls, no cheating.

- You took the words right out of my mouth.

- Are you kidding?

- Two.

- Oh, no, it was three.

- Oh, I almost said three, honest to goodness.

- Well, why don't we give you that one.

- Did you hear that, Oz?

- Oh, I sure did.

I'm thinking of a number, Joe.

What is it?

- Now let's see.

Don't tell me.

I've got it.

6,820,430.

- No, I'm sorry.

It's 6,820,431.

You missed it by one, Joe.

- I was going to say that, Oz, honest to goodness.

- Well, why don't we give it to you anyway?

- Very funny.

- Ho, ho, ho.

You're just jealous because Mrs. Cosgrove said that women

have more ESP than men.

- Well, you can always go on a diet.

- Besides, that's just her opinion.

In all the articles you read, it's mostly men.

- Naturally, but this was a Women's Club lecture,

the first of a whole new series.

- Don't remind me.

- Wait a second.

How's this for an idea?

You girls say that women have more ESP than men, right?

- Right.

- OK.

If Oz and I can prove that we have more ESP than you two,

will you let us out of going to all the rest of the lectures?

- Why should we?

- Yeah, what do we get if you lose?

- Well, we promise to attend all lectures without grumbling,

and we'll bring our own water.

- What do you think, Harriet?

- It's OK with me.

We'll win anyway.

- OK, it's a deal.

We'll both use the five cards.

- OK.

You know what I'm thinking?

- Yeah.

They haven't got a chance.

- Right.

- Big deal.

You know what I'm thinking, Oz?

- Wait a second.

You're thinking you're kind of tired,

and it's about time to go home.

- Atta boy, Oz.

You're really tuned in.

- Hey, you guys are doing a good job here.

When you're finished with your car, would you like to do mine?

- OK, Pop, we'll take a vote on it.

- Yeah, but let's make it a secret ballot.

I may want to borrow some money for tonight.

- Never mind.

I'm sorry I asked.

Where's your mother?

- Now, wait a second, Dave, don't tell him.

This will give him a good chance to practice.

After all, he's got the big contest coming up today.

- That's right. - Hi, fellas.

- Oh, hi, Joe.

- What's going on?

- Well, I'm trying to get a straight answer out

of these two guys.

Where's Harriet? Do you know?

- I don't know.

I'm looking for Clara.

She came over here an hour ago to borrow some butter.

- Wait a second.

It's coming to me now.

I'm getting it.

They went down to the market.

- That's right, Pop.

- You're amazing, Pop.

- Well, thank you.

- Incidentally, Oz, this might give us a good chance

to practice while the girls are away.

- Practice what?

- Our extrasensory perception.

- Well, you don't practice it.

Either you have it or you don't.

- Well, we all have it according to the gal down

at the Women's Club.

Let's go see if we can find it.

Hey, Oz.

The girls are coming.

- Good. - All set in there?

- All set. - How about the boys?

- Just waiting for the signal.

Come on, girls, we're waiting for you.

- What for?

- To start the test. - Do you really want to try it?

- Sure. A deal's a deal.

Can I take those for you, Harriet?

- Thank you. - Well, come on into the den.

I'll show you how we've got this figured out.

This way, ladies.

- Oh, I see you got it all set up.

- Yeah, we've got five cards laid out here.

The ace, two, three, four, and five.

I figure one couple will go in the dining room

and the other couple will stay here in the den.

And that way nobody can accuse anybody of sending any signals.

Harriet, why don't you and I go into the dining room?

- OK. - All set?

- Yep.

Who goes first?

- Oh, ladies first, of course.

Holler when you're ready.

- I'll bet these cards are marked.

- Clara, what difference would that make?

- I don't know.

- Now, look, I'll pick out a card, you concentrate on it,

we'll see if Harriet can get it, OK?

Are you ready?

- All ready.

Set the first one.

- This one.

- Two.

- She says two.

- Wrong.

- Not so fast, Harriet.

Give me more time to concentrate.

- Ready?

This one.

- Four.

- She says four.

- Wrong.

- Well, how'd we do?

- You got 8 out of 20.

- That's not bad.

- Not bad?

That's darn good.

- Well, you guys ready to give up now?

- Are you kidding?

We'll show you what we can do.

- Oh, I don't know.

The girls did pretty well.

I'm not so sure we can beat them.

- Oh, where's your confidence, Joe?

Come on, Harriet.

- Let us know when you're ready.

Let's see, which one shall I start with?

- I'll pick the card.

- Oh, you don't trust me, huh?

- That's right.

- OK, we're ready.

- Four.

- Four.

- Right.

- Unless I'm mistaken, that was 18 out of 20, right?

- That's right, Oz.

Well, you girls believe us now?

- Well, I have to admit, that's awfully good.

- Don't forget, we win.

- No more lectures.

- Well, all right.

- Unless, of course, you want to go.

- Are you kidding?

- Oh, by the way, any time you girls

want another demonstration, just let us know.

- Oh, come on, Clara, they're going

to be insufferable all day.

- Well, nice work, Joe.

- How come you missed two of them?

- I did that on purpose.

I didn't want them to think we were cheating.

- Very clever, Oz, they really fell for it.

- I wonder how they cheated.

- I don't know but they're not going to get away with it.

- Oh, hi, fellas.

- Hi, Mr. Nelson.

- Come on in.

What can I do for you?

- I want to ask you a question.

- OK, what is it?

- What am I going to get for my birthday?

- Well, gee, to be honest with you,

I didn't realize you had a birthday coming up.

- You didn't?

I thought I told you to tell everybody.

- Well, it was probably just an oversight,

but if it's your birthday, I'm sure we can

arrange to get you something.

- Oh, not you, Mr. Nelson.

I just want to know what my mom and dad are going to get me.

- Oh, well, gee, I don't know.

- Why don't you concentrate on it?

- Well, I don't think that'll do much good.

- Mr. Randolph said you have ESP.

- Yeah, exdisaspeder subscription.

- Oh, he did, did he?

- Mr. Nelson? - Yeah.

- Do you think I'll get a bike?

- Well, that's kind of hard to say.

- Can't you just read my dad's mind?

- He's mowing the lawn if you want

to go over and stare at him.

- Well, I don't think it would be fair to tell you

even if I did know.

After all, I wouldn't want to spoil a surprise.

- Can't you just give me a hint?

- Well, no, that wouldn't be right.

- Oh, hi, fellas. - Hi, Rick.

- Oh, hi. Where you been?

- Well, I just went down to get some ice cream.

- Oh, good.

Wait a second, I think I can do a little mind

reading right now.

I seem to be getting a thought wave from Barry.

He's thinking to himself, I wish I had some of that ice cream.

- How about that?

You're terrific, Mr. Nelson.

I was thinking the same thing. - No kidding?

Well, why don't we all have some then?

- All right.

- Does anybody want some more of this before I put it away?

- No, thanks, Mrs. Nelson.

- No, thanks, Mrs. Nelson.

- No, thanks, Mrs. Nelson.

- You've had enough.

- Well, how are you guys doing?

- Fine.

- Oh, say, before I forget it, are you doing anything

this afternoon?

- Well, not especially. Why?

- Well, Clara and I were talking to some of the girls,

and they were so impressed with the amazing results

you got for that extrasensory perception test

that we invited them over to see if you could do it again.

- What'd you do that for?

- Well, you said any time we'd like another demonstration,

just speak up.

- Well, I know, but who's coming over?

- Well, just a few of the girls from the club.

- Oh, well.

Oh, gee, I'm sorry, Harriet, but Joe can't make it.

- Why not?

- Well, it seems--

Well, see, I'm quite sure--

[phone ringing]

- Oh, that might be him.

Hello? - Oz.

Now, listen carefully.

This is important.

Get out of the house before Harriet

has a chance to talk to you.

I told Clara you're going to be busy this afternoon.

- Oh, hi, Charlie.

- No, no, this is Joe.

They're cooking up a trap for us.

- OK, Charlie.

- Well, we can just refuse to do it.

- That'd look too suspicious.

- I suppose so.

- What the heck?

We did it before, we can do it again.

- Well, except that I can't find the boys.

They went out someplace and I don't know where they went.

- Well, then that gives us a perfect excuse.

We can tell the girls we can't do it because we

can't find David and Ricky.

- Are you kidding?

- Yeah.

Well, maybe you hadn't better tell them that.

- Anything else, gentlemen?

- No, I guess not.

Unless you'd like to crawl under our house

with a stethoscope, a flashlight,

and the end of a rope?

- Oh, he won't need the flashlight if he has the rope.

- I'll be back a little later.

- Hi, Jack. - Hi, Dave, Rick.

- Hi, Jack.

- Say, do you have termites at your house?

- No. Why?

- Well, your father's over there and he's

trying to find somebody to crawl under the house

with a stethoscope.

- Dave?

Rick?

Can you come here a second, fellas?

- Hi, Pop.

- Hi, Pop.

Well, looks like we're hooked again.

- Did you get it, Oz?

- Three.

- Right.

- We got it made.

- In fact, why don't we get them all right?

- Oh, I think that'd be too much.

- OK, we'll miss one.

- Or maybe two.

- OK.

[doorbell rings]

- Here they are.

- We'll get it.

- Hi.

- Hi, Clara.

- Hi.

- Oh, I'm so glad you asked us over, Ozzie.

This sounds so interesting.

- Oh, well, thank you.

- Well, I tried it and only got three right.

- Well, that's the way it goes.

It's kind of a difficult thing to analyze.

- Well, come on into the living room, take your coats off.

- Where's Mrs. Cosgrove?

- Oh, she's right outside, just parking her car.

- Mrs. Cosgrove?

- Is that the woman that gave the lecture?

- Yes.

- What's she doing here?

- Well, she's more interested in this than anybody.

- Well, how about that?

Mrs. Cosgrove is going to be here.

- This is terrible.

We'll look like darn fools in front of her.

- Well, not necessarily.

See, she's so wrapped up in this,

she may be easier to fool than the rest of them.

- Yeah, but she might read our minds and know we're faking.

- Well, then we'll just stop thinking.

- Are you kidding?

We did that when we started this thing.

[doorbell rings]

- Oz?

Oz!

Oh, hello, June.

- Hi, Joe.

- I see most everyone's here. - Yes.

Go right in. - Hi, Joe.

- How are you?

- This is Mrs. Cosgrove. Mr. Randolph.

- Oh, how do you do, Mr. Randolph?

- How do you do? - Oh, I'm so excited.

I'm looking forward to your demonstration.

Where's Mr. Nelson? - Oh, he's in there somewhere.

Just go right in.

- Thank you.

- Oh, hello there.

Come right in.

How do you do?

[knocking]

- Oh, hello, ladies.

Won't you come in?

How do you do? How do you do?

Won't you come in?

Oh, hello there.

Back there somewhere.

- Would you sit right here, Mrs. Cosgrove?

- Oh, thank you, Mrs. Nelson.

- OK, fellas, we're ready for the demonstration.

- Ozzie's ready.

- Well, here we go.

In order to make this more of a challenge,

Mr. Randolph is going to go into the den,

and I'm going to go into the dining room

and receive his messages.

- Oh, well, I really don't think that's necessary.

Why don't you just sit here back to back?

It's a lot more interesting when we can watch you both.

- You mean keep an eye on them.

- We were doing it the other way.

- The other way.

- Well, then, it'll be interesting to see

how you make out this way.

- Certainly it will, dear.

You sit right here.

And, Joe, you sit right there.

- I'll get the cards.

- Oh, I'll get them.

- You will not.

You'll mark them.

- Clara, it doesn't make any difference.

- You keep saying that.

- Pardon me. - Oz, where are you going?

- I'll get the cards. - I'll help you.

- Have a little patience, girls.

I'm sure they'll be ready any minute now.

At least, I hope so.

- Boy, this is a nice turn of events.

- What are we going to do? - Well, I don't know.

- Why don't we just tell them we were kidding

and it was all a big joke?

- It's too late for that now, with Mrs. Cosgrove

and all the girls from the Women's Club out there.

It'd be too embarrassing to Harriet and Clara.

- Is anything wrong?

- Oh, we were just looking for the cards.

- They're right here.

- Oh, yes.

Thanks.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, I'm sorry.

You go back in there with the girls.

I'll pick these up.

- Well, hurry up, everybody's waiting.

- That was quick thinking, Oz.

- Oh, yeah, but what do we do now?

- Well, let's pick up the cards.

Slowly, Oz.

- Well, we can't stall around here all afternoon.

- Hey, here's an idea.

According to that talk Mrs. Cosgrove gave,

ESP is sometimes brought on or lost by a conk on the head.

- Well, what about it?

- Well, if one of us should get a conk on the head,

we can say we lost our touch.

- Are you volunteering to get conked?

- Well, of course not, I volunteered the idea.

You volunteer your head.

- Are you kidding?

- Ozzie?

- We'll be right there.

- What was the idea of moving that table?

- I was afraid you might bump your head.

- You were afraid I wouldn't bump my head.

- Joe?

For heaven's sake, come on out.

Everybody's waiting.

- OK, we're coming.

- Come on, pick up a couple of cards.

- What do you think I've been doing?

- Let's go.

- Here you are, Oz.

- Oh, here they come.

- We have cards the ace, the two, three, four, and five.

Just place them on the table for reference purposes.

- It won't bother you if I take notes, will it?

- Oh, it won't make any difference.

- Actually, ladies, I don't feel very perceptive this afternoon.

- Oh, come on, dear, you did it beautifully before.

- Well, OK.

- Oh.

- Did you hurt yourself? - No.

No.

I never realized you had such a hard head.

- Me?

What about yours?

- I think I shook something loose there.

- Oh, well, look, why don't we just forget

about the demonstration?

- Oh, yes.

- Oh, no, no.

That's OK.

We might as well get on with it.

- Might as well.

[doorbell rings]

- Oh, excuse me.

Oh, hi there.

- Hi, Mrs. Nelson.

Can I speak to Mr. Nelson?

It's very important.

- Certainly, dear.

Ozzie, Barry wants to see you.

- Oh, well, will you pardon me for a minute, ladies?

- Hi, Mr. Nelson.

- Oh, hi, Barry.

What can I do for you?

- Could you use your extra suspension prescription for me?

It's very important.

- Oh, what happened?

- My dog is lost.

I looked every place for him and I can't find him.

Would you tell me where he is?

- Oh, well, sure.

In an emergency like this, I'll be glad to help you.

- Do you really think you can do it, Mr. Nelson?

- Well, I can certainly try.

- Oz.

- Please, Joe, don't interrupt.

- Now, Barry, do you have anything

that belongs to the dog?

- I got his leash.

- Let me have it for a minute.

Wait a second.

I'm getting it.

You're in luck, Barry.

Your father just found your dog at the malt shop

and took him home.

- Gee, thanks a lot, Mr. Nelson.

- OK, goodbye.

- So long.

- Did you really mean that?

- Well, of course, I did.

You don't think I'd fool little Barry, do you?

A little kid like that?

[phone ringing]

- And you're quite sure the little boy's father found

the dog? - That's right.

At the malt shop.

- No, he just left.

- At least that's the way the message came through to me.

Right after I got the bump on the head, if you recall.

- Well, wonderful.

OK.

Goodbye.

That's Barry's mother.

She was looking for him.

His father did just bring the dog home,

and he did find it at the malt shop.

- Oh.

- This is the most amazing example of ESP in action

that I've ever seen. - Here.

Here.

- Well, this has really been most enjoyable.

And if Mr. Nelson doesn't mind, I'm

going to mention this remarkable demonstration

in my future lectures.

- Oh, come on now, Oz.

How'd you do it?

- Well, I told you it was the bump on the head.

- Now wait a second, Oz.

Remember, this is me, Joe.

- You didn't let me finish.

It was the bump on the head plus one other little thing.

I just happen to glance out the window

and I saw Barry's father heading toward his house with the dog.

- You old phony.

Hey, wait a second.

How did you know he found the dog at the malt shop?

- Well, that was just a lucky guess.

You know how that dog loves ice cream.

- Oh, they're still here.

- Well, dear, I must admit, you were just wonderful.

- You certainly were.

- I thought so, too.

- Well, thank you one at all.

- Well, you guys won, so now you don't have

to attend any of the lectures.

- Yeah, that's right.

Come on, Oz, let's put the chairs back.

- I must say you girls are being awfully good sports about this.

- Oh, by the way, that's a subject of one of our lectures.

- What's that?

- The value of good sportsmanship.

Playing the game fairly, never cheating in order to win.

- Look, Joe, why don't we be good sports about this

and go to, say, every other lecture?

- Yeah.

That's a good idea.

- Good.

Oh, and there's another interesting lecture coming up,

too, about happiness in marriage,

that is based on mutual understanding.

- And honesty.

And not playing sneaky little tricks on each other.

- Why don't we go to all the lectures?

- Yeah, I think so.

- Isn't this amazing?

You know, I guess I must have ESP after all.

Somehow, I had a feeling that was what you were going to say.

- Me, too.

- How about that?

- Well, should we go? - Where are you going?

- Well, for one thing, we might as well

tell Dave and Rick to come out from under the house.

[theme music]

- "The Adventures of Ozzie and Harriet"

has been brought to you by the Coca-Cola Company.

- No matter what you serve in your sandwiches,

always serve them with ice cold Coke.

The best friend food ever had--

Coca-Cola.

- This has been an ABC Television Network Film

Presentation.