Original subtitles

[music playing]

- Eastman Kodak Company is happy to bring you

America's favorite family, the Nelsons--

Ozzie, Harriet, David, and Ricky.

They enjoy good times together.

And like most of us, they enjoy good times over

again in pictures.

Nowadays, more families than ever before

are saving their good times in movies.

And now, Kodak has made showing your movies

even easier with the new Brownie automatic movie projectors.

They thread themselves automatically.

Watch.

Right on to the take-up reel.

These youngsters can enjoy their holiday

in the big city in action and color, automatically.

With this model, you can stop the action

or reverse it like this, for crowd-pleasing comedy effects.

This model shows a whole half hour of movies

without interruption.

This one weighs less than a telephone.

But don't let that compact size fool you.

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Prices start at less than $55 or as little as $6 down.

A Brownie projector makes an ideal gift.

And the name Kodak means it's the finest you can give.

And now, Kodak invites you to enjoy "The Adventures

of Ozzie and Harriet."

[knocking on door]

- Come in.

Oh, hi, Joe, Clara. - Hi, Oz.

- Hi, Ozzie. - You all set?

- Well, uh, just about.

I have to get my sweater.

Harriet will be right down.

Oh, my, you look lovely, Clara.

- Oh, thank you, Ozzie!

- I'll be right back.

Come on in.

- Why don't you ever say nice things like that?

- I do! - Hi, Clara.

Hi, Joe. - Hi!

- Hi, Harriet.

- My, you look lovely.

- Well, thank you.

- I mean to me!

- You always look nice, dear.

- Well, it's a pretty weak excuse, if you ask me.

- I thought it was a rather quick recovery myself.

- Well, if you ask me, I think both the girls look lovely

all the time.

- Oh, come on, Clara, we'd better get out of here.

The snow's getting pretty deep.

- [laughs] Harriet, did you by any chance fix lunch for us?

- No, I thought you guys got your lunch down

at the bowling alley.

- Well, that's the way wives lose their husbands,

by not giving them enough attention.

- That'll be the day.

- Well, I don't know about you, Oz,

but I'd rather eat lunch down there.

You know that cute little waitress?

- Oh, you mean the redheaded one?

- Yeah, I hate to say this, but she's kind of stuck on me.

- No, no, it's not you.

It's me.

Haven't you noticed the way she always smiles at me?

She's just being nice to you because she

figures you know me.

- Look, Oz, uh, maybe we'd better

have lunch someplace else.

No sense worrying the girls.

- Yeah, you may have a point there.

We don't want to spoil their luncheon.

- It's OK, fellas. We trust you.

- I don't know.

There's some awfully cute girls who come in there.

- Yeah, Joe's right.

A lot of cute girls--

blonds, brunettes, redheads.

- I told you we trust you.

- Not only that, you both have that settled married look.

- What's this?

- Oh, in a handsome, dashing way, of course.

- Oh, well, that's better.

[laughs] You know, they're kidding,

but I think they're a little worried.

- We are.

We're worried that we're going to be late for the luncheon.

Have a good time.

- Bye. - So long.

- Bye.

Somehow I get the idea they aren't exactly worried

about us.

- I get the same idea.

- Of course, I can understand why Harriet

feels that way about you.

- What do you mean?

- Well, let's face it, you put on a few pounds

around the middle there.

- Me?

What about that lard you're carrying around?

- Are you kidding?

It's just that this sweater is a little bulky.

- And that's another thing.

Look how sloppy you dress.

- Please, this is the new casual look

for the old, settled, married man.

[music playing]

- Thank you, Mr. Nelson.

- You bet.

Joe?

[laughter]

Joe?

- Uh, just a second, Oz.

- Well, thank you very much. - Not at all.

It was my pleasure.

- What was that all about?

- I was just standing here.

This girl comes up and starts a conversation.

- What does she want? - Who knows?

She was probably just lonesome, wanted somebody to talk to.

Very attractive.

Nice, friendly smile.

- Well, what did she say?

- Well, uh, she wanted to know if I had change for a quarter.

- [laughs] I figured it was something like that.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

She's phoning, probably calling her husband.

Come on, let's go.

- It wasn't so much what she said.

It was the way she said it.

I wish Clara could have seen that.

- Clara?

- Yeah, Clara and Harriet.

They seem to think we have that old, settled, married look

about us.

- Well, that's a natural attitude.

After all, it gives a wife a feeling of security

to know that her husband isn't exactly--

- Exactly what?

- Well--

- Attractive to other women?

- Well, yeah, something like that.

After you've been married as long as we have,

your wife likes to think of you as being

comfortable and settled.

Let's face it, there's nothing more

ridiculous than a middle-aged wolf.

- Oh, I agree with you, Oz, but there are also

a lot of girls who prefer a little maturity in a man.

Take the waitress in the coffee shop here.

She always flashes that big smile at me.

I know she's happy to see me come in.

- Well, sure.

I told you because you usually come in with me.

- Oh, come on, Oz.

I don't think she even knows you.

- Oh, no?

You just wait and see.

She always gives me an extra big piece of pie

and an extra cup of coffee.

- Same here.

She always gives me an extra scoop of ice cream.

What are you going to have, Oz?

- Oh, the usual: apple pie and coffee.

- I think I'll have a dish of ice cream.

- Uh-- Busy today.

- Yeah.

- Yes, sir?

- Well, hello, there.

Uh, I'll have the usual.

- Me, too.

- The usual?

- Yes, apple pie and coffee.

- Two pies and coffee.

- Uh, no, no, no.

I'd like a dish of chocolate ice cream.

- Oh, OK.

- You're right.

She is kind of busy.

- She's a nice girl.

- Oh, yeah.

- Well, here we are.

- Well, at least I got the right flavor.

- What do you mean?

- That's a peach pie.

[music playing]

- Having a little trouble, girls?

- Yes, I don't know what's the matter.

We were driving along, and all of a sudden, the car

stopped, and I can't get it started again.

- We hate to bother you like this.

- Oh, well, that's OK.

Did it sputter a little before it stopped?

- Yes, it did.

- Well, you're probably out of gas.

- I don't think so.

- Well, uh, pardon me.

What does the gauge show?

- It says empty, but I can usually

go a long ways after that.

- Well, it's way over to positively.

You're out of gas, all right.

- Oh, that's a shame.

- Well, look, there's a gas station just a couple

of blocks down the road here.

We'd be very happy to drive you down there.

- Well, that'd be wonderful, if it isn't too much trouble.

- No, not at all.

I'll get your keys for you.

- Thank you.

Oh, by the way, my name is Mabel, and this is Mary Alice.

- Oh, how do you do?

My name is Ozzie, and, uh, this is Mr. Randolph.

- Uh, Joe.

- Hi.

This is awfully nice of you fellas.

- Oh, it's our pleasure.

- Step right in, girls.

- Thank you.

- I'll sit in the back here.

- Oh, come on.

Don't be so exclusive.

- You think we can all squeeze in there?

- Oh, sure.

- Oh.

There we are.

[music playing]

- Wasn't that Joe and Ozzie?

- Yeah!

- Well, who were those two girls?

- Well, I don't know.

I thought the fellas went bowling.

- So did I!

- You know what could have happened?

They were probably driving home, and those girls ran out of gas

and flagged them down, and they're giving them

a lift to the gas station.

- Yeah, something like that.

- Oh, sure, they'll tell us about it when they get home.

[car horn honking]

- OK, what's your hurry?

- OK, Oz?

- OK!

- Try it out.

- Fine!

- Just put the can down here.

We'll take it back to the garage.

- OK.

- Gee, thanks a lot, fellas.

- We sure were lucky you came along.

- It was our pleasure.

- We enjoyed it.

Don't drive too fast now. - OK.

- OK. - Bye.

- Bye. - Bye.

Thanks again.

- Nice girls.

- Yeah, sure are.

- A lot nicer than that girl at the lunch counter.

- [laughs] Well, should we go?

- Oz, remember that car we passed at the intersection

just before we got to the gas station?

That wasn't Clara and Harriet, was it?

- Well, you know, I was wondering

the same thing myself, but, uh, what would they

be doing out this way?

- Well, they could have been coming back from the luncheon.

The women's club isn't too far from here.

- Yeah, that's right.

You know, I'll bet it was Clara and Harriet.

- I'll bet it was, too.

- [laughs] This is pretty funny.

- Yeah.

[laughs] What part of it's funny?

- Well, it's sort of ironic.

You know, they were kidding us this morning

about our being out of the running,

and then they see us with these two good-looking girls.

[laughs] Boy, it must have been quite a shock when they saw us.

- Yeah, especially with that blonde sitting on your lap.

- Well, I mean, we were all kind of squeezed in together there.

Besides, you know it wasn't my idea.

I was going to sit in the back.

- Well, don't tell me, Oz.

Tell Harriet. - Oh, well, I--

I-- I will.

I mean, I'll-- I'll, uh, tell her about it as soon as we get

home.

Of course, I'll explain it much better.

Uh, what are you going to tell Clara?

- Well, now wait a minute.

Why should we tell them anything?

- You mean just not go home?

- No.

We just don't say anything.

After what they said to us this morning,

it'll serve them right.

- Well, yeah!

Let them worry a little about their unattractive husbands

with the settled, married look.

- We'll just go home and act as if nothing had happened.

- They'll expect a big explanation the minute

we walk in the door.

- Oh, that's for sure.

- You know, the more you think about this, the funnier

it gets.

Hey, they're here.

- How do you know?

- Isn't that Clara's bag?

- Oh, yeah.

Remember now, we play it real cool.

Act as if nothing has happened.

- Well, nothing has happened.

We went bowling, and here we are back home.

- At-ta boy, Oz.

- Oh, and when they ask about the girls,

just be casual about it.

Don't volunteer any information.

Let them drag it out of us.

- Girls?

What girls?

Oh, those girls.

- Hey, you're pretty good at this.

Have you been holding out on me? - Me?

What about yourself? [laughs]

- Shh.

Remember now, real casual.

- Well, here they are. - Hi!

- Hi.

- Hi.

We, uh, just got back.

We had quite a game.

- Yeah.

- Oh, that's nice.

- We broke even.

- Oh, congratulations.

- Good for you.

- Yeah, I won the first game, and Joe won the second game.

- Oh, that's nice.

- Well, come on, Joe.

I want to put my sweater in the living room.

- Oh, OK. - Uh, fellas?

- Uh, yes?

- Don't you want some coffee?

- Uh, no thanks.

- Uh, no thanks.

- Want sugar, Clara?

- No, thank you, Harriet.

- They didn't say anything.

- Well, see, we threw them off balance.

They expected us to come in and say something about the girls.

They'll be out here in a minute.

- I don't hear them coming.

- Well, after all, they have their pride.

Maybe we ought to go back and give them another chance.

- Yeah, that's an idea.

- What?

You change your mind about the coffee?

- Uh, no.

- Well, there's plenty more there if you want it.

- OK, thanks.

- They didn't say anything.

- Well, give them time.

Can't you see they're just putting on an act?

They're plenty worried, though. You could tell that.

- Oh, that's for sure.

You can see it written all over their faces.

- Probably what happened they talked it over and decided

to wait till they each get us alone.

You know, the old technique of divide and conquer.

- Sure, that's right.

- Joe, we'd better get going!

- OK, Clara!

It's working great, isn't it?

[laughs]

- Like taking candy from a baby.

[laughs]

Well, good luck, Joe.

[music playing]

Going out tonight? - Uh, yeah.

Rick and I are going to a show.

- Oh, good.

Say, uh, Dave, did you notice that your mother seemed

a little quiet at dinner tonight?

- No, not especially.

Why?

- It just seemed to me she was a little preoccupied.

- Gee, I didn't think so.

In fact, now that you mention it,

you seemed kind of quiet tonight.

- Yeah, what's the matter, Pop?

Has Mom got you in the doghouse or something?

- [laughter] What makes you say a thing like that?

- That's OK, Pop. Don't fall apart.

We were just kidding. - Yeah.

Besides, we won't tell anybody.

- Now, fellas-- uh, boys?

- Oh, hi! - Hi!

- Come on in.

- I came over to borrow a spool of thread, if it's OK.

- Sure. - I thought I'd tag along.

- Come on upstairs. - Hi, Joe.

- I've got about every color you can think of.

- Well, I need some dark blue.

- Did Harriet say anything about seeing us in the car?

- No. Has Clara?

- No, not a word.

- Well, do you think it's possible they didn't see us?

- Well, it's possible.

- Hey, that'd explain it.

How about that?

It looks like we got away with it.

I mean, not that there was anything to get away with.

- Well, at least it's taught me one lesson.

It's the last time I listen to your advice

as far as women are concerned.

- What are you talking about?

- We should have told them all about it the minute

we got home.

- Well, it was your idea not to.

- It was not.

It was yours.

- Well, anyway, what difference does it make?

We're in the clear now.

- Are you kidding?

We're in real trouble.

Whatever we do will be wrong.

- Well, how do you figure that?

- Well, if we don't mention it to them and they saw us,

they're going to want to know why we didn't say something.

And if we do mention it, and they didn't see us,

we're out of our minds.

- I see what you mean.

Well, uh, then the important thing for us to do

is try and find out whether they saw us or not.

- Right.

- Let's go.

- You know, maybe we should have said something

as soon as they got home.

- Oh, give them time.

They'll get around to it.

Don't you think?

- I don't know.

- Hi. - Hi.

- Oh, hi.

- We thought we'd see what mischief you girls were up to.

- Oh, no, no, not mischief.

- No, I mean, uh--

- Just looking over some thread.

- Uh, say, you didn't tell us about the luncheon today.

Did you have a good time?

- Oh, yes, it was very nice. - Very nice.

- Good.

- It was at the women's club, wasn't it?

- Yes, it was. - Let's see.

That's over in the general direction

of the bowling alley, isn't it?

- Yes, it is.

- How about that?

That looks about right.

- Oh, that's perfect.

- All right, did you see us with the girls or didn't you?

- Oh, so that was you.

You were right.

- I thought so.

- Well, there was really nothing to it.

These two girls were alongside the road,

and we picked them up.

- No, not picked them up.

They were out of gas, and we just stopped and drove them

over and got them gassed up.

- No, no, no, no, no, not gassed up.

We-- we got the car gassed up.

- The-- the car gassed up.

- And that's all there was to it.

- Oh, I figured it was probably something like that.

How about that? It's a little lighter.

- No, I think this one's better, Harriet.

- Now, wait a minute.

Aren't you even interested in what happened?

- You just told us.

- But if you saw us, why didn't you say something about it?

- Why should we?

We knew there must be a reasonable explanation.

- But that's not like you, Clara.

You're the noisiest-- - Tuit tut tut...

- I mean, aren't you a little curious?

- Why, of course not!

- Why should we be?

- Well, after all, you're women, and women usually are.

- We trust you.

- Well, eh.

Uh, come on, Joe.

- How about that?

You were right.

The girls ran out of gas.

- I figured it was something like that.

- There's only one thing that bothers me.

When they talked about them, they said "girls."

And when they met us, they said "women."

- All that worrying for nothing.

- Yeah.

Well, I guess they know us pretty well.

- It's kind of nice, though, to know

that your wife doesn't worry about you, she trusts you.

- Is this baloney?

- No!

Oh, oh, yeah.

- You know, it's just like they said this morning.

They're sure of us.

They sort of take us for granted.

- Yeah, even when they saw us riding in a car with two

good-looking girls.

And don't forget, one of the girls was sitting on my lap.

- Yeah, at least they could be a little concerned.

You know, it would serve them right

if we did have dates with a couple of good-looking girls.

- Hey, wait a second.

That's a wonderful idea!

- Oz!

- No, I mean we have dates with two good-looking girls,

but the good-looking girls are Clara and Harriet,

only they don't know this at first.

Here's how we do it.

- "Candlelight Room. 8:30."

What's this?

- That's where we're going to have our rendezvous.

Now, I'll drop this someplace accidentally,

where Harriet's sure to find it.

And in the meantime, you drop a few hints to Clara

that you and I are going out someplace tomorrow night.

That'll start them wondering.

- Look now, we are going to end up with Clara and Harriet,

though?

- Sure, of course.

What's the matter?

- Well, I don't mind telling you I'm

starting to get a little nervous again.

- Can I help you with anything, Mom?

- Yes, dear.

You want to get the orange juice out of the refrigerator?

- Sure.

- Well, good morning.

- Good morning.

- Uh, would you wash this shirt for me sometime today?

- Yes, put it right on the chair over there.

- OK.

- You dropped something, Pop.

- Oh, thanks, Dave.

- Pop.

- Oh, oh.

Thanks, Rick.

- Come on, dear. Your breakfast is getting cold.

- Oh.

[vacuum operating]

Can I help you with anything?

- No, thank you.

Where are you going?

- Oh, uh, Joe and I thought we might go down

to the men's club or someplace. - Tonight?

- Yeah.

- Are they having a meeting?

- No, but we'll probably get a little poker game going

or something, unless you have something planned.

- Well, no.

- Joe is bringing Clara over to keep you company.

- What about dinner?

- Oh, we'll have something to eat at a hot dog

stand or someplace.

Oh, I thought I'd wear my Oxford gray suit.

I haven't worn it in quite a while.

- Oh?

- This tie is just right.

[doorbell rings]

Oh, that must be Joe and Clara.

I'll get it.

Oh, good evening, folks. - Hi.

- Hi. - Let's get going.

The movie starts pretty soon. - Be right with you.

I just have to get my coat. - What's this about the movies?

I thought you were going to the men's club.

- Men's club?

- Oh, well, see, sometimes they show movies at the men's club.

You know, football highlights and things like that.

Well, good night, dear.

Oh.

- Have fun, girls.

- Good night.

- Good night.

- What was that all about?

- I don't know.

- What's that?

- It says "Candlelight Room.

8:30."

What does that mean?

- I don't know.

- There's something funny going on here.

Joe never wears his good suit to the movies.

- Or to the men's club, or wherever they're going.

- I wonder where they are going.

Evidently, the men's club is showing a movie

at the Candlelight Room.

- You really think so?

- No.

- Neither do I.

- What do you think?

- Well, I certainly don't think it

has anything to do with those two girls they picked up.

- You do?

- No, I said I don't.

- But you really do?

- Well, to be honest with you, I don't know what to think.

Hey, wait a minute.

I'll bet you they want us to think

they're sneaking out on us.

- Why? - Well, don't you see?

They just couldn't stand it because we

didn't get all excited about those two girls

being in the car with them.

That's why they dropped the note.

- Sure, and they think we're going to go running down there

and check up on them.

- Well, they've got another thing coming.

We're not going to fall for that stuff.

Come on, let's see if there's anything good on television.

- Are you gentlemen ready to order?

- Oh, well, uh, not just yet.

We're going to wait for our wives.

- Fine.

- Do you think they're coming?

- Of course they're coming.

Will you stop worrying?

- I'm not worrying.

I'm hungry.

- Well, have some more bread and butter.

- There isn't any more.

- Uh, Captain?

Captain?

- Yes, darling, I'll meet you at the same place,

at the same time.

Oh, I have to hang up now.

Estelle's coming.

- Who were you talking to on the phone just now?

- Well, what do you mean, dear?

- You know very well what I mean.

I know what's been going on between you and that blonde,

and it's going to end right now!

- No. No, no, Estelle!

No, don't!

No, no!

[gunshots]

[groan and thud]

- How long will it take you to get dressed?

- About five minutes. - Let's go.

- Did you get them?

- No.

I phoned our house and your house,

and they're not at either place.

Obviously, they're on their way over here.

- How about that? We won.

They think we're having dinner with a couple of girls.

[laughs]

- See, I told you it was a good idea.

[laughs]

- Oz.

- What's the matter?

- The two girls are here.

- Harriet and Clara?

- No, the blonde and the redhead.

- Oh, you're kidding!

Who told them we were here?

- I don't know.

- Well, I don't either.

I don't even know their names.

- There they are.

- Where?

- Right over there.

- Are they still here?

- Yeah.

So are Clara and Harriet.

- What are they doing here?

- Don't you remember?

You tricked them into coming here.

They're coming this way.

- Who?

- Everybody.

- Hello, there.

- Hi, fellas.

- Well, we might as well face it.

- Have you been waiting long?

- No, just a few minutes.

May I take that for you?

- Thank you, Harry.

This is a beautiful restaurant.

- Well, thank you.

Thought you'd like it.

- Here they are.

- Well, Joe, look who's here!

- Clara, Harriet, what a surprise!

- I'll bet.

- You knew darn well we'd show up.

Trying to make us think you were down here

with a couple of girls.

- Oh, then you were jealous of us.

- We were not.

- Then, how come you're here?

- Well, maybe we were, just a little bit.

- [laughs] You're darn right you were.

- Aren't you going to ask us to sit down?

- Oh, I'm sorry.

Won't you sit down?

From now on, you'll have to admit that you're just a little

bit worried that we might be attractive to other women.

- Well, I must admit, you're attractive to me.

- Me, too. - Clara.

- I mean you.

- Well, shall we order? I'm starved.

- Me, too.

- Uh, Captain?

- By the way, the bread and butter is very good here.

- That's nice to know.

- Ladies.

- Thank you.

- Oz, if we're so darned attractive,

how come those two girls didn't even recognize us?

- Well, let's face it, Joe, we look

like a couple of nice, comfortable, settled, married

men.

- Joe!

-

[music playing]

- "Ozzie and Harriet" are brought to you on film

by Eastman Kodak Company, who also present "The Ed Sullivan

Show" on another network.

- Now Kodak will process your color film

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Ask your dealer for Kodak prepaid processing mailers.

Good night.

- This has been an ABC television

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