All language subtitles for South Park S28E01 Twisted Christian 1080p PMTP WEB-DL DDP5 1 H 264-STC[EZTVx.to]

I'm going down south, I'm going to have
myself time.

Friendly faces everywhere, humble folks
without temptation.

Going down south, I'm going to leave my
woes behind.

And we're parking day or night, people
spouting how to never.

And on up south, I'm going to see if I
can't unwind.

Come on down south out there and meet
some friends of mine.

What time? Around 6 -7.

6 -7!

Oh, hey, Annie. Ladies, did you guys do
your homework last night?

I tried to, but I got stuck on problems
6 and 7.

7!

Hey,

Eric. I know, Butters, I know. Don't do
it to me. It's too funny.

But I just did a 6 -7 with Annie and
Megan at the same time.

Yeah, five minutes ago I snuck up on
Wendy and totally 6 -7'd her from

Wow! Hey, Scott, how's your diabetes,
man?

My diabetes?

Yeah, what's your A1C at?

6 .7!

6 .7!

Oh, my God! So fucking funny!

All right, everyone, listen up.

I've gotten a lot of reports of
disruptions in the classroom and some

numerology shit going on. So I want to
remind you this is a power Christian

school, and I am a power Christian
principal, and we will be PC.

So now I want you to hear from someone
who is the highest authority on biblical

prophecies. This person is an absolute
expert on the end of days and the coming

of the Antichrist.

Please welcome Mr. Peter Thiel.

Peter Thiel knows about the Antichrist.
Peter Thiel knows about the Antichrist.

I'm Peter Thiel and I know about the
Antichrist.

Let's learn about the Antichrist today.

Hello, kids, I'm Peter Thiel, and I'm
here to talk to you about the

Okay, so first, what is the Antichrist?

The Antichrist is a newer, more human
form of Satan that will soon walk the

earth. We don't know how soon it will
walk the earth, but it could be within

next six to seven weeks.

You see, Satan was a fallen angel, and
God punished him. And to make sure Satan

could never have offspring, the Lord God
did shrink Satan's asshole to the size

of a tiny little pinhole so nothing
could ever penetrate and ejaculate

it. So Satan could never have a butt
baby until along came Mr. Donald Trump,

whose penis is so teeny, teeny, tiny it
could actually fit in Satan's asshole.

How small is Donald Trump's penis?

Somewhere between 6 and 7 centimeters.

6 and 7!

Hey, look, this is very important,
people, okay? The Antichrist is coming.

Bible refers to the eagle, which refers
to America, the fourth seal broken in

hell coming to earth. It's right here in
Revelation 6... 6, 7.

6, 7!

Good,

and breathe in through your nose.

And out through your mouth. In two,
three, four.

And exhale. Two, three, four. Good. Let
your shoulders soften. Let your jaw

relax.

Now gentle pressure on the hips as your
partner exhales.

Good. This is so boring.

How about you shut up and do your job?

Ah, come on, Jake.

How about we just go home and fuck? We
haven't had sex in forever.

That's because it's bad for the baby.

Dad, fuck the baby. This is stupid. Did
you just say fuck the baby?

I didn't mean like really fuck the baby.

No, you know what? You can just go home.
I'll finish this myself.

You can go home and jack off if you
want.

news, boss. We just shut down another
abortion clinic.

Oh, yeah, great. That's great.

Yes, boss. You've made all the
Christians so happy.

Of course, there is still one more
clinic that will still perform abortions

right here in town.

There is?

Oh, yes. How unfortunate that some
babies will not be able to be born.

As Christians, we can't allow this to
continue.

Perhaps... You should go speak with this
abortion doctor personally.

Yeah. Yeah.

Come in.

PC Principal, do you have a minute?

Sure, Jesus. What do you need?

I'm starting to wonder if I really fit
in here.

Of course you fit in. This school has
been a cesspool of heathen left -wing

little bitches and only our faith is
going to set them right.

Could I ask exactly what...

branch of Christianity, are you? The
kind that loves his country and doesn't

tolerate any fucking fags.

Yeah, see, I really think I don't belong
here.

Look, I understand it's a tough
transition.

You know, the vice principal here had
the same conflict as you, but she's

come around.

The vice principal? Your wife?

That's right.

Can you send in a strong Christian
woman, please?

She was saying this wasn't the place for
her anymore, but just this last

weekend, she converted to Christianity.

You wanted to see me?

Yeah, strong Christian woman. I was just
telling Jesus here about our faith. Oh,

yes. It's been such a blessing.

She converted on Saturday. What do you
think, huh? You ever seen a more

Christian chick in your fucking life?

Never. Look, I know it's a hard
adjustment, but just stick with it, and

going to fit in here just fine, Jesus.

Everything go good at school today,
honey?

Yep, yep. School was good. School was
pretty good.

Is everything okay, honey?

Yeah, everything's fine. It's fine.

Mom, can I ask you something?

Sure, Eric.

Do you know, on average, at what age
kids lose their baby teeth?

Oh, I'm not sure, Eric. I guess usually
around six, seven.

Eric, what?

Nothing. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I was just thinking about your menstrual
cycle.

My menstrual cycle?

Yeah, I was just wondering when you
actually menstruate, ma 'am.

Like, roughly, how many days does that
last?

Well, Eric, it's usually around six to
seven days that a woman...

Eric, sweetie.

Eric,

what is going on? This keeps happening.

Mom, you got to tell me something.

Of course, honey.

Roughly how many nights have I been
throwing up at dinner?

I don't know, Eric. It's probably been
six or seven nights.

Hey, Jesus, get your stuff, man. We're
going out for drinks.

What? Look, I know it's been hard for
you trying to adjust here and

so the wife and I were talking and we
found a nice Christian lady we're going

set you up with.

Oh, I don't think so.

Thanks, but... Oh, come on, man. She's a
really great woman and she just

converted to Christianity.

My wife met her at the same place that
she became Christian.

So then I was like, you know what? I
need a new direction in my life. It's

I just got so sick of everyone being
such a pussy all the time. And all this

woke garbage and women trying to be men.
So I just started reading the Bible,

you know? I mean, I didn't actually read
the Bible, but I listened to a lot of

podcasts. And once I went through my
transition, I was like, this is great.

Only now guys are always checking out my
Christianity.

Sorry, could you all excuse me? I need
to go to the bathroom.

Sure thing, Jesus.

He thinks nice.

Davidson? Miss Coco Slutty Davidson?

Oh, yeah, that's me.

I'm Coco Slutty Davidson. I'm just here
to get an abortion.

The doctor's right in here, ma 'am.

Hey, Doc!

All right, listen. I need you to perform
an abortion.

It's not for me. It's for my partner.

And you can't tell anyone, not even my
partner.

How am I supposed to do that?

Well, you're going to come with me, see?
And we're going to sneak into my house,

and you're going to suck that thing out
while everyone's asleep.

Your house wouldn't happen to be white,
would it?

Hey, how do you know that?

Look, Mr. President, I've seen the news.
If you got Satan pregnant, that's your

responsibility.

Even if I wanted to help you, sir, I
have no idea how to perform an abortion

the offspring of Satan. To do that, you
need some kind of expert on the

Antichrist.

Peter Thiel knows about the Antichrist.
Peter Thiel knows about the Antichrist.

I'm Peter Thiel, and I know about the
Antichrist.

All right, listen.

You people have a very serious problem
here. Your students appear to be in some

kind of cult involving the numbers 6 and
7.

Alright, so what should we do?

I'm going to need access to all your
school's private data. School records,

health records, and of course, all
security cameras.

Oh, no. Look, I don't think we need it.
Is this really what we've come to?

Freely handing people's personal data
over to some tech billionaire preaching

shit about the Bible?

You got a problem with Jesus, bro?

Come on, man. You became a Christian
like three months ago.

Yeah, I've got fucking faith, dude. What
do you have, you little bitch?

You want to throw down, bro?

Okay, hey, hey, hey. You want to see
what it feels like to talk shit about

Christians, dude?

I'll kick your heated ass, bro!

All right, just

try to be still, Eric.

Doctor, could I ask a question?

Of course.

About how long do you need me to be
still?

Just about ten seconds, Eric.

Okay.

So how long now?

Just another six, seven seconds, Eric.

I'm

sorry,

Mrs. Carmen, but we can't pinpoint the
source of his illness.

If he continues to vomit this much
daily, I'm afraid it could be life

-threatening. But, Doctor, if I'm not
able to keep any food down, roughly how

long would it take... Roughly how long
would it take for the human body to die?

Eric, I'm going to be very honest with
you.

Without sufficient nutrients, the body
shuts down after six to seven weeks.

Excuse me, that's my computer.

Yes, and your computer has all the
personal data of the students here. It's

okay, Jesus. Peter Thiel knows what he's
doing. I've downloaded all the

students' information and loaded them
into an AI face detection program so the

school security cameras can watch their
every move.

Now look.

Two students passing each other in the
hallway. They give each other the sign.

6 -7.

Exactly 67 seconds later, this odd parka
-wearing child makes the same gesture.

And then...

Inside the girl's bathroom, two girls
doing the same thing.

Wait, why is there a camera inside the
girl's bathroom?

To stop the Antichrist.

Now I'm following the lead on this girl
here.

She went home to 67 Malavista Drive.
Going through her family's medical

I found that her father has testicular
cancer and 67 days ago had one testicle

removed. That really feels like none of
our business.

I don't know how I'm supposed to work
with nosy Nancy peering over my shoulder

all the time.

Jesus, let's you and me have a quick
chin wiggle out in the hall.

I'm getting close.

I almost have the key to stop it from
happening.

We are running out of time, Mr. Teal.

The Antichrist is coming.

Satan is shopping for baby strollers as
we speak.

If I'm going to learn what these numbers
mean, I'm going to need access to every

government database.

You will have it, Mr. Tehan. Nothing is
more important than making sure this

baby is not born.

Look, man.

I know it's tough.

But you've got to understand that
drastic times call for drastic measures.

I just don't feel good about treating
people this way.

I think the most important thing still
has to be loving and respecting each

other.

All right, man, I need to ask you
something, and I need you to tell me the

truth.

Are you a fag?

No, that has nothing to do with it. Are
you fucking sure? I'm just trying to say

that I'm really confused right now.

Okay, but confused like you don't know
if you're attracted to dudes or like

what? Like how we can just change
everything about who we are.

I think you still just don't understand
what Christians today are about.

Come on.

There's someone I think you should talk
to.

Oh, yes, the Antichrist. I've listened
to a lot of podcasts about that.

Everyone keeps saying how the Antichrist
is coming, but I'm like, he already

did. I was married to him in 2018.

But seriously, if he saw how Christian I
was now, he'd probably shit his pants.

Don't be jealous.

He's so funny.

No faith in my sleeping.

Yeah, that's all he ever does anymore.

Oh, boss.

If you're going to jack off, shall I
fetch your comrade?

I wasn't jacking off.

Sure thing, boss. I'll go get your
comrade.

What is taking you so long?

I'm very close to finding the secret of
the numbers. I've narrowed it down to

one little boy who seems more possessed
than the others.

Then deal with him.

And keep it quiet.

Nobody can know that we are working
together.

When I become president, I will give you
full access to everyone's deterrent.

I've already spoken with the mother. And
I'm on my way now to face the child.

Peter, dear. No!

Peter Thiel knows about the Antichrist.
Peter Thiel knows about the Antichrist.

I'm Peter Thiel and I know about the
Antichrist.

Let's deal with the Antichrist today.

Is your son home?

Yes, Mr.

Thiel.

He's right upstairs.

Eric, I'm Peter Thiel.

I'm here to help our country.

Okay.

I came to see you in an Uber, Eric.

Would you like to know how long it took
me to get here?

Hang on.

It took around six or seven minutes. I'm
not... No way!

No way!

You know, they're all just a bunch of
libtards anyways.

I know what's up. I listen to podcasts.

You want to know who I think the
Antichrist is?

Greta Thunberg, with his stupid haircut
and her dumb bangs. Someone should shake

out whatever's up her ass.

I can't. I just can't.

Everything all right, bud?

No, everything's not all right. I don't
know what I'm doing here.

You're trying to get with the program,
bro.

Peggy Rockbottom is a hot Christian
girl. Now stop acting gay.

Look, I don't know what you think
Christianity is, but it has nothing to

that. What do you say?

I'm saying that you and a lot of other
people seem to have a very warped sense

of what Christianity is.

Are you questioning my faith?

You want to fucking go?

No, I don't want to fucking go.

You got a problem, bro?

No, I don't have a problem. You actually
have a problem. You need a way to bully

people and you're using the Bible to do
it.

You like that?

Yeah. You want some more?

I'm not going to fight you.

Damn right you won't, because you're a
gay little pussy.

Yeah, don't come back.

You're going to get some more, bitch.

Tell me what it means.

The Lord labored six days, and on the
seventh he rested.

You will tell me the significance?

There's nothing more I can do here.

I have to take him to Washington, D .C.

Washington? Oh, no, he can't travel now.
He's very sick.

Your son is the key to saving our
country, Miss Cartman.

Everything we hold dear could end.

We have to unlock the secrets he holds,
no matter what it takes.

Oh, the time has come.

And you know that you're the only one to
say,

okay.

Where you going? What you looking for?

You know those boys don't want to play
no more with you.

It's true.