Original subtitles

Ah, Kevin.

Portrait of the artist as a young man?

No.

Portrait of a young man flunking art.

I'm trying to do Prince Charles, but...

Really?

Well, you certainly seem to

have captured something of him.

Why did I take this class?

Because art is a wonderful

opportunity for self-expression.

You know, I can't do this, John.

Oh, now, now, Kevin, look.

Start with the eyes.

They are the mirror of the soul.

Now, look. A little indentation here.

Another little one there.

Then some contour with the thumbnail.

And voila!

Hey, that's pretty good.

You've done this before, right?

Once or twice.

But the point is, in art, as

in every creative endeavor,

one must deal from personal experience.

Oh, yeah?

Sculpt somebody you know,

somebody you have a feeling for,

an attitude about.

Hey, that's a good idea.

Hey, go look around.

Thanks. Actually, that's not so bad.

Okra, yuck.

Got it.

Beaks, double yuck.

Sauerkraut.

Good riddance.

Flower, all purpose.

I didn't know it was open.

Let me guess.

The Pillsbury Doe Girl. Real funny.

What's all this?

It's for the food and

clothing drive at the mall.

Yeah, we're getting rid of

all our junk food.

Oh, I see.

Baked beans, navy beans, pinto

beans, doing a remake of

Blazing Saddles.

They're the homeless people

of Pittsburgh.

Oh, and don't they deserve a

balanced diet, a little

variety, such as this beef ravioli,

or these sliced canned

peaches, or these chocolate

chip cookies?

Oh, come on, we like that stuff.

Come on, come on, it won't take long.

Yeah, I'd love to, kid, really,

but I got a lot of mail here.

Oh, but your head, your face,

they look so simple.

Thanks for the compliment.

Hey, wait up!

Of course I'm happy you got

the interview.

It's not just an interview,

it's an interview with Peter Uberon,

the genius behind the Olympic Games,

Commissioner of Baseball, Times

Man of the Year.

But it's Saturday, and we

hardly see each other as it is.

I know. I know.

Hey, what are you doing with

my SpaghettiOs?

Giving them away.

What is all this stuff?

It's for the food drive. Oh, right.

Yeah, this is all for the

homeless people of Pittsburgh.

Homeless? They can't even heat

this stuff.

Dad.

Well, why don't we just

unload the okra like we did last year?

Because, as Jack London

stated, a bone to the dog is

not charity.

Charity is a bone shared with

the dog, when you are just

as hungry as the dog.

Dad, what Mr. Bell, what

you're saying is if what you

give doesn't mean anything to

you, then it doesn't mean anything.

Yeah!

Well, I think it's a lovely

sentiment, and I'm really

happy to see you kids getting involved.

Come on, Wes, let's get this

stuff out of here.

Angela's mom should be here soon.

That's the spirit.

Hey, hey, that's my old

varsity sweater.

So?

I love this sweater.

Mr. Belvedere says we should sacrifice.

Well, let's start.

Streaks on the china, never

mattered before, who cares,

when you dropkicked your jacket,

As you came through the door,

no one bled

But sometimes things get

turned around and no one spared

All hands look out below,

there's a change in the status quo

Gonna need all the help that we can get

According to our new arrival,

life is more than mere survival

We just might live a good life, yeah.

Tom-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta

Clay-sara-sara

Whatever we'll be, we'll be

Da-da-dee-dee-dee

La-da-da-da-dee Hold me.

Come on. It's okay.

Hello, children.

Hi

Hello and you are she's a bad lady.

Thank you

She lives at the mall at

least until closest then she

lives outside the mall.

Yeah in a cardboard box

split level or colonial

Hey everybody, I'm on my mom

I didn't know we had company

Heather and Wesley have

brought a friend home from the mall.

Oh, my.

It's just we dropped off all

the food and stuff,

and we saw her sitting

there, shivering.

Yeah, so I figured she'd like

to come home with us.

That's okay, isn't it?

Well, gee, honey.

Well, I thought you said we

should get involved.

I did, and I...

And your mother's very proud. I am.

I am.

So, she can stay?

Well, I, uh...

Neat! You wanna watch TV?

I would, madame, care to have a seat?

Make herself comfortable?

Take a load off?

Okay, give me all your nines.

Come on, you gotta have nines.

I asked for everything else.

Boy, try to go fish with some people.

Well, I don't care what you say.

We've got a person in need here.

I think your attitude stinks!

Who is that? A recording.

That's giving them what for?

I can't believe it.

Every government agency I call

is closed.

Well, it is the weekend.

Homeless people don't know

from weekends.

It's just another joyless day

in their miserable, pathetic lives.

Is that cauliflower?

No end to the suffering, is there?

Okay, Owen's bringing it down for her.

He's setting up the pattern.

He passes it to the bag lady

and it's out of balance.

Wesley.

I know, I know, not in the house.

You're lucky you don't have

this problem.

I'm home. Hi, honey.

Come on, baby.

Pack your bags and put on

your high-heeled sneakers.

Mama and Papa are steppin' out tonight.

Huh? So what's goin' on?

That you brought. What a prince.

Room service brings us up a

couple of T-bones.

Then he gives me this

terrific interview.

Gets a phone call. He's got a blow.

Out of town.

Really?

So, guess who's got the

Ambassador's Suite at the

Carlisle Hotel until checkout

time tomorrow?

Us.

Yeah.

Honey, we can't.

Oh, it's got something to do

with Miss America over there,

doesn't it?

It's starting to rain out there.

Hey, Dad. Hey, Wes.

Meet our bad lady?

You brought her home from the mall.

She doesn't say much.

She lives in a box.

Sounds like Jerry Mahoney. Hey, Dad.

Hey, kitten.

Look, I've been calling a

bunch of agencies, trying to

find you something, but it's tech.

So in the meantime, do you

like meatloaf?

Hey, hey, hey.

What's going on?

She's just staying for dinner.

Your mother and I have plans tonight.

Well, honey, we can go next weekend.

That suite goes for 750 bucks a night.

They give you little bathrobes

and they put little mints on

your pillow.

Mr. Belvedere says...

Belvedere.

Belvedere, someone call.

Yeah, I understand we have company.

Yes.

I also understand you're responsible.

I suppose so.

That really pulls my chain.

Actually, you do look a little flushed.

Let's talk.

If I'm not out in ten

minutes, somebody call the authorities.

That isn't rinsed yet.

I don't care. I like them dirty.

I hope you don't mind if I

work while we chat.

I have dinner to prepare.

How about it? Thing is...

Yes?

This morning, when you were

cleaning out our pantry and

giving away our clothes

I didn't say anything.

I could have, but I didn't.

Hey, you're not hearing a

word I'm saying.

Yes, I am.

Are there no prisons?

Are there no workhouses? Go on.

Listen, I don't like anybody

putting funny stuff in my kids' heads.

You mean as encouraging the

children to actually help

their fellow man?

Yeah. That's easy.

You're the type who prefers

lip service.

I wanted room service.

What's the point, John? It ain't fair.

I mean, we only brought you

in so we could go out, not

the other way around.

What?

It just ain't working out.

No, I gather it ain't.

I mean, we tried.

We gave it a shot.

But now it's time for the

coach to make a little change

in the lineup.

I take it I'm being cut from

the family?

Mm-hmm.

Uh-huh.

In the morning, you'll tell

the kids, we'll say our

tearful goodbyes, and then

you're out of here.

Under my own steam, or would

a rail be more appropriate?

Go ahead and yuck it up. I don't mind.

I feel terrific.

Bully for you.

I'm gonna go out there, I'm

gonna show our little lady

friend the front door,

then I'm gonna grab my wife,

we're checking into the Carlisle,

and this dude's putting his

house in order.

Here, I think this one might fit.

Hey, that's dad's!

So?

Nothing.

Wes, Heather, now for just one...

Aw, man, she's wearing my sweater.

Dinner. You hungry?

Better than a garbage disposal.

Wesley.

Wes, come on.

Ow!

Whoa, that's putting on the

old feed bag.

Keep chowing down like that,

you'd be popping right out of

that sweater.

Albedeer.

What?

I believe our guest of honor

would like seconds on the potatoes.

At your service, madame.

Hey, Dad, maybe you can find

your job on your paper.

Oh, come on, Dad, there's

gotta be something.

We need a drama critic.

Hey, hey, toss some of those

spuds my way.

Mr.

Belvedere. Forgive me, Mrs.

Owens. Sometimes my arthritis flares

up in the rain.

Gravy?

Is it me or is it hot in here?

I'm dying.

All right, who's been playing

with the thermostat?

It's all the way up.

Hey, hey, hey.

Don't touch that dial.

It's a hundred degrees in here.

I like it, Bobby.

So, hot enough for you?

Nice try, man.

Yeah, me and Kevin are

sweating like pigs.

Great.

So how about trading for a

nice tea set you can play house?

George, what are you doing?

Nothing.

To give the intrusion, that

is Madame Lafarge spending the night.

Oh, no.

I mean, yes.

I don't know, George.

Sleeping a nude?

I'll prepare the guest room. But Mr.

Belvedere.

Yes?

That's your room.

You've got to help me.

Oh?

Witch Hazel won't give me my sweater.

I've tried everything. Try explosives.

Blow her out of it.

Got any on you?

Come on, you're good in

these situations.

I no longer have a situation.

Look, it's my lucky sweater.

When I met Marsha, I was

wearing that sweater.

When I got classified 4F, I

was wearing that sweater.

My first kid. All my kids.

I get the point, George.

Look, I just can't believe

you're gonna let me, Canning,

get in the way of our friendship.

What friendship?

Okay, forget that.

Ever heard of Robin Roberts?

Used to pitch with the Phillies.

Oh, please.

Spent 14 seasons with the

ball club, gave him the best

years of his life.

And they traded him, just

like that, without so much as

a thank you.

And you know what?

That day, he still went out

there and pitched a three hitter.

What do you think of that?

I think you made it up.

I didn't know you followed sports.

Okay, I'll give it a try.

Thanks.

Of course, you realize I'm

playing under protest.

Boy, it's really coming down out there.

Yeah, great. Okay, TV.

Who was the Lone Ranger's

faithful companion?

That's close enough, huh? Yeah, fine.

Ah! Everybody seems to be

having a rousing time.

My, what a lovely sweater.

You know, in India,

when someone admires something

of yours,

it's customary to give it to them.

So you want to play? Go ahead.

I gotta go. She's talking.

You're talking!

Yeah. So? Well, nothing.

It's just that

we're a little surprised. That's all.

Oh.

Hey, you can't leave.

Yeah, it's raining. It's okay.

Hey, I found you a place.

It's the old armory downtown.

It's a little crowded because

of the rain, but if you

hurry, they can find you a

car or something.

Thanks.

Hey, look, we'll drive you.

You don't have to.

Oh, no, no.

We want to. Right, honey?

Sure.

It's up to you.

Most folks go a mile out of

their way to avoid me.

You folks, you folks been pretty good.

Nice kids. Thank you.

Well. Shall we?

Yeah, I'll take that.

Come on, bad lady.

Let's get our coats.

Oh, you probably want this.

Yeah, thanks.

Hey, wait a minute, wait a minute.

Look, tonight, you and me

with the sweater and everything,

I kind of, you know,

Ever stayed at the Carlisle Hotel?

Ambassador's suite.

It's yours till noon tomorrow.

You brought?

He's got a sense of humor.

I'm glad somebody does. Hey, Ed.

Hey, Kevin.

What you watching?

Tell him without pity.

What's that in your hand?

Mr. Potato Head.

Great.

Hey gang. Hey dad.

Want a mint?

Molly told us you don't need sweets.

She also told us her name was Molly.

Pretty neat, huh?

Yeah.

So I guess you saw the room, huh?

Oh yeah.

It was real nice.

And for a lady who doesn't talk much,

She sure knows how to order

rim service.

Wow, look at this! Look what Kevin did!

It's just a lump.

No! It's dead! That's amazing.

I know.

Son, I'm speechless.

So am I. It's me.

It's noble. It's beautiful. It's Mr.

Belvedere.

You did this?

I merely wanted to demonstrate

to the lad what could be

accomplished if one applied oneself.

Nothing more. It's magnificent.

Just consider it a forget-me-not.

Excuse me. Hey, Belvedere.

Look, if you're willing to

forget what I said out there,

I'm willing to forget what I

said out there. Forget what?

I've already forgotten.

Okay?

Okay. No hard feelings?

None whatsoever.

Hey, I don't know what you

guys are talking about, but I

can't turn this in.

I mean, it wouldn't be fair.

Quite right, Kevin.

Now we start over.

Things have settled down since

the appearance of our night visitor.

Wesley and Heather are imbued

with a new sense of purpose

and direction.

And Kevin?

Well, even though his

rendition of Gumby was

somewhat less than I hoped

for, the important

thing was he tried.

One note on charity in

general, and George in particular.

I am reminded of the old

quote by John Bunyan.

A man there was, though some

did count him mad.

The more he cast away, the more he had.

I'm still here, George.