Original subtitles

Kevin.

And there he goes again. Hey, Mr.

Belvedere.

Heather, how was school?

Okay, I guess.

My sex education teacher's pregnant.

And who says teachers aren't

qualified anymore?

Anyway, I need some help.

You're not the only one.

Hey, everybody.

Breaking in my new ski boots.

You're supposed to walk around in them.

Boy, oh, boy, I can't wait

to hit that powder.

Anyway, do you remember that

community service club I joined?

Ah, yes, the Iron Maidens.

Well, we're going to this

retirement home to read to

the old people.

Oh, that's very nice.

I went to the library,

checked out a bunch of books,

but I'm not sure what old

people like to read.

Well, let's take a look.

A Tale of Two Cities,

Treasure Island, The Carpet Baggers.

Yeah, they're classics.

How to Win Friends and

Influence People by Dale Carnegie,

Will by G. Gordon Liddy,

practically the same thing,

and of course, Born to Run,

the Bruce Springsteen story.

Ronald Reagan likes him.

I'm sure any of these will

be perfectly fine.

Where's my cocoa?

Bad day at the office?

What's all this junk?

Leave those alone.

I'm supposed to read them to

the old people.

Better read fast.

What's the problem, Wesley?

Nothing.

Just, you think you know

somebody, right?

You sit in the same class,

you play on the same team,

you throw gum at the same

girls, and what do you get?

Suspended.

Well, I'll tell you what you don't get.

You don't get invited to

their birthday party.

I must cut down on his sugar.

Streaks on the china Never

mattered before

Who cared When you drop-kicked

your jacket

As you came through your door

No one bled, but sometimes

things get turned around and

no one spared.

All hands look out below,

there's a change in the status quo.

Gonna need all the help that

we can get.

According to our new arrival,

life is more than mere survival.

I just might live a good life, yeah.

Wesley, I made a nice big

cup of hot chocolate with marshmallows.

I don't want any.

I made it for me.

George, you're wrong. No, no.

You said 4.30.

Pick you up in front of the

science building.

I said the political science building.

Well, if you're gonna split hairs.

Hi, kids. Hi, Mr.

Belvedere. So, how was everybody's day?

Fine. And Wesley says he's

quitting school.

Yeah, and I'm not kidding.

What's the matter, pal?

I don't want to talk about it.

You tell him. Well, I...

Apparently, one of Wesley's classmates

having a birthday next

Saturday and he handed out

invitations to the entire

class with the exception of

Wesley and four others. That stinks.

Beautifully put.

The thing is, it's Howie.

You know, all those right down

the street.

I thought we were almost best friends.

Wait a minute.

You talking about those

high-polluting huffnagels

with that cabin cruiser in

the driveway?

They had that party last month,

Remember, all the fancy cars,

the ballet parking?

We didn't get invited to that, did we?

Hey, that's no big deal.

Yeah, honey, we'll do

something ourselves on Saturday.

Something real special. Like what?

How about the ride and reel show?

I got a couple of freebies, hoo-hoo.

Great.

You can come with me to the

retirement home.

I don't like old people.

All they wanna do is hug and

kiss and pinch and yuck.

Wesley.

Would you mind if I made a suggestion?

Would it matter?

What is it, Mr.

Belvedere? Well, it simply occurred to

me that Wesley might have a

little party on his own.

But who's gonna come?

Yeah, who's gonna come?

Everybody's already going to Hound.

Not everybody. You said

yourself there were others.

Oh. Them.

Yeah, well, I think it's a

wonderful idea, Mr.

Belvedere. Those other children had

feelings too, honey.

Yeah, I suppose.

Listen, it'll be great.

We'll play some games, have some cake.

I can just picture it.

So, you guys found the house, huh?

Yes. Your instructions were

very good, it was safe.

Great.

The invitation mentioned refreshments.

Uh, yeah, so?

So, it's a little vague.

I'm allergic to six of the

seven basic food groups.

So, does everyone like my new

party dress?

Yes, it's very nice.

At first, Mother said no.

She said it was too extravagant.

But then her accident happened

and she changed her mind

My kid was popular till you

got here pardon me you looked out there

I ain't never seen such a

bunch of losers

I'm sure they're perfectly

lovely children

Got one out there looks like

an erector set

Reminded of Prince Eugeny of

Savoy, stunted and sickly,

pallid and hunchbacked, he rose

above those who ridiculed his

appearance by driving the

invading Turks back into the

Straits of Bosphorus.

So when's he coming?

Oh good, things are a little

quiet out there.

Help is on the way.

Everybody ready for punch and cookies?

No, thanks. I ate before I came.

Miss? Yes, please.

Everything looks so delicious.

Don't spill!

Young lady, I wouldn't think

of spoiling such a lovely party dress.

Don't patronize me, Hazel.

is this flammable sir thank

you hey kids it's party-hearty

time here we go

I can't blow this thing out my mouth.

I know what you're thinking.

Hey, I've got name tags for everyone.

I have one for Wayne and I

have one for Miles.

And let's see.

You must be Rhoda.

Hey, lighten up, kids.

I haven't seen this many droopy faces

since the Cubs lost to the

Braves 21-20.

Hey, what a crazy game.

I mean, unbelievable.

Wrigley Field, the wind's blowing out

like 100 miles an hour.

All you gotta do is sneeze on the ball

and it's gonna go out of there.

Okay, sports fans, I'll get it.

Uh, Wesley?

Party? Party? Uh, hi, guys. Hi, Mr.

Rajneesh.

Hello, hello, hello.

Hey, let's get down and get funky.

Hey, Wes, who's your friend?

This is Mr.

Rajneesh. He's in our reading class.

Oh, yeah?

Actually, I'm just a school janitor.

Would they let me sit in?

Non-violently, of course.

Well, we're very happy you

could come, Mr. Rajneesh. Thank you.

Yeah.

Nice to have you. Thank you.

Knock, knock.

Huh?

Knock, knock.

Oh, who's there? Ganga Din?

Ganga Din who?

Open the door.

I Ganga Din.

Belvedere said to invite everybody.

Okay. Left foot.

Ready? Here we go.

You put your left foot in,

you put your left foot out,

you put your left foot in,

then you shake it all about.

You do the hokey pokey and

you turn yourself around, kids, around.

Turn yourself around, Haji

baby, around.

Hey, Mr.

Belvedere. I have a how'd he go with

the old folks at home great

hey kitten why don't you

go help your brother pin some

tail kids are having a good

time yes I see that

actually they're not a bad

bunch even old Taj Mahal over

there is kind of cute

They're certainly fond of you.

Yeah, they are.

Look, I know sometimes we

don't exactly see eye to eye,

and every now and then I

tend to jump the gun a little,

but you've had stupider ideas.

Ah, shucks.

Hello. One sec.

Wesley, it's for you. Me?

Mm-hmm.

So, is everyone having a nice time?

It's the greatest party ever. Must say.

Oh, good.

Uh-huh.

Bye. Who was that on the phone, son?

It was Howie. Oh, yeah?

Bet he's eating his heart out, right?

Nope. He just wanted to know how I was.

Said he wants me to come

over right now.

He said I didn't need an invitation.

Oh.

So what do I do?

What do you think, pal?

I don't know.

Well, you have a choice.

You can either stay here with

us and your invited guests

and enjoy the nice party

everyone made for you,

or you can leave.

Don't look at me.

Well, see you around.

I'm telling you for real, George.

Coming here from India was

not an easy thing for me.

But finally, I decided to

leave my country after my

last bus plunge. Last what?

Bus plunge. Bus plunge.

You know, brakes fail, tires blow.

Bus plunge off cliff.

Oh, bus plunge!

I got you.

Can I call you a cab?

That's a good one, Georgie.

I can take a hint.

I don't need a building to fall on me.

Not a bad idea, though.

Well, so long.

Goodbye. Watch the curb.

Was that Wesley?

No, it was Saj. He had to go.

I don't know how we're going

to straighten out this mess.

Actually, it's just a few paper cups.

I'm not talking about that, you dink.

I'm talking about my kid.

I was merely making a joke,

potty spurtle.

Hey!

Guys!

All I know is, if it wasn't

for him and all his big

ideas, we wouldn't be going

through this.

No.

We'd be at the Rodden Real

Show, floundering.

Just wait a minute.

Wesley is the problem here.

He's disappointed all of us,

but it doesn't help matters

for you two to be going at

it like children.

He started it. I did not.

Just put a lid on it.

Sorry. It makes me nuts, you know?

You try to raise a kid, give

him a sense of whatever, and

the first real something comes along.

You know what I mean?

Strangely enough, yes.

Oh, it is. What are we gonna do?

There's really nothing you can do.

Hey, don't start on me.

George I think he's right.

I mean we told Wesley it was

his decision.

He made it. That's that

Hello Wesley

Away

Son Wes

So, how was how he's party?

Okay

So how's my party?

Everyone said to say thank

you for a very nice time.

So am I gonna get a spanking?

No TV? Or both?

No.

There's something new? No, nothing.

I don't get it.

Look, we told you it was

your decision and you made it.

Really? Is there any cake left?

In the kitchen.

Great!

I'm gonna have some cake.

Yes, it's nice when you can

eat it, too. Hi, honey.

Hi, Mom, I'm back.

How was school?

Lousy.

We got back our spelling tests.

Let me see it.

You got a hundred percent. Yeah, Mrs.

O'Connor held it

up in front of everybody.

She said I was a wonderful example.

You know how that makes me look?

Wesley, honey, do you think

that maybe you're a little upset

because of what happened last

week, you know, with your parties?

No.

Okay.

Well, anyway, I'm very pleased

with this.

Yeah? Then you're probably

gonna want to frame this one. A plus.

I know. I know. Good, Kevin.

Much better.

Well, I had a week to practice.

Dinner will be ready in a few minutes.

Would you please tell everybody?

Oh, sure. Why not?

Oh, now look, Kevin.

Even the most experienced

skier could have a mishap like that.

I doubt it.

It happens all the time.

I wasn't skiing.

What?

I wasn't skiing.

You told me you ran into a tree.

I did.

Sorta.

I mean, it certainly was a

tree at one time, but when I

smacked into it, it was sort

of this pillar in the lobby

of the lodge. I see.

Oh, but I almost hit a real tree.

Skiing?

Parking.

Uh-huh.

You have 60 seconds and counting.

Paint safety arm light on.

What are you watching, Wes? Some show.

I think it's the McNeely report.

What happened to Yogi Bear?

I don't know.

Oh, uh, isn't dinner ready yet?

Oh.

dinner thank you come on mom

yeah just a second I'm almost

finished with this

chapter I said now young lady

so how's work dad pretty good

buddy did a story

on Franco Harris today looks

like Franco American tonight

now don't let him

you macaroni and cheese is

one of his favorites I know

I wipe it off his ties

Wesley I don't want anything

what's the matter pal nothing

but you love

macaroni I know I just don't

want any well you've got to

eat something okay

They don't all have some

Brussels sprouts.

May I come in?

Yeah, I guess so.

I bought you a peanut butter

and jelly sandwich.

You didn't have much dinner.

I'm not hungry.

What are you doing?

Cleaning my room.

Let me feel your forehead.

Okay.

Okay.

I'm gonna do some long division.

Wesley, have you ever heard

of a chap named Raskolnikov?

Oh yeah, he's the midget, right?

People couldn't guess his name.

No, I think that was Rumpelstiltsky.

Raskolnikov was a character in

Dostoevsky's novel, Crime

and Punishment.

Oh, yeah. I got him mixed up.

So, what about him?

Well, in the story he did a

very bad thing, but he got

away with it. Well, so?

So, although nothing happened

to him, his conscience

wouldn't let him rest.

Because he really wanted punishment.

You understand?

You mean like eating Brussels sprouts?

Yes.

Except in his case it was Siberia.

Frozen sprouts.

I should have stayed at my party.

There's nothing you can do

about that now.

I mean, the other guys, Mr. Rajneesh,

They all said that it was

okay, that it was no big deal.

Rude is treating me nicer than ever.

Oh, dear.

I just wish someone would get

mad at me.

Tell me I'm a creep or something.

Okay. Wesley, you're a creep.

Well, you're just saying that.

Anyway, I figured if I did a

lot of crummy stuff to myself,

I'd feel better, but I don't.

Well, I think perhaps you're

going about it the wrong way.

I don't know. I don't think

anything's ever gonna make me

feel good again.

I'm certain we can think of something.

It will be long before I get

rid of them, he thought.

What money was all that bought with?

he asked at last, gazing at the wall.

Money? Why, your own.

What the messenger brought from the...

Varushan.

Varushan. Your mother sent him.

Have you forgotten that too?

I remember now, said Ras...

Ras... Raskolnikov. Raskolnikov, right.

After a long, sullen silence,

he looked at him frowning and uneasy.

Shh!

The door opened and a tossed-out man,

whose appearance seemed

familiar to Raskolnikov, came in.

Zos... Zos...

Zosimov!

Zosimov! At last cried Raz...

Raz... Razumihin!

Zosimov! At last cried

Razumihin delighted.

That's the end of the chapter.

Oh, that was lovely, darling.

Oh, such a beautiful boy.

You want me to read some more?

Oh, no, no, that's great.

I don't mind. Chapter four.

Oh.

Zosia was a tall fat man

with a puffy, colorless,

clean-shaving face and straight

flaxen hair.

He wore spectacles and a big

gold ring on his back.

This ends my first month with

the Owens brood, which finds

Kevin on the mend physically,

Wesley emotionally, and George,

well, either he's getting

better or I'm building up a resistance.

It's obviously been a rather

arduous winter for the entire

family, and I can only look forward

with apprehension to the

coming of spring, when the

group will be free to roam

about at will.

I wouldn't miss it for the world