Original subtitles

No, no, I didn't say that.

Of course I like you, Billy.

I like you a lot.

It's just, um, there's no

place for us to be alone. They are?

Your parents are going to be

gone all weekend? That's great.

I'm hungry.

Mom said if she's not home

by four, you're supposed to

start dinner.

I'm on the phone if you don't mind.

Mm-hmm.

Ow!

Bust me!

Try to bust my ear! Try it!

Yeah, that'd be neat.

Uh-oh.

Kevin, would you be a damn

put the casserole in the oven?

Oh, sure.

Hey, Heather, you know Mom

doesn't want Kevin near the appliances.

That incident with the

microwave was months ago.

We almost had a meltdown. Hi, kids.

Hi, Mom. Hi, Mom.

Heather, get off the phone

and start dinner.

One minute, Mom.

Heather, we've been through this.

Call me later. Hi, Mom.

Hi.

Well, how's everybody's day?

It's all right.

So, how was college, Mom?

Yeah, you a lawyer yet?

No, honey, not for a few more years.

I don't think we'll last that long.

I know things are a little

crazy around here.

We're trying to get some help.

You kids can do a little extra.

Mom, I'm gonna go feed my

hamster now, okay?

Oh, fine, honey.

I'm taking pretty good care

of Vinky, huh?

Yes, he's a very lucky hamster.

So, did anyone call from the

domestic agency?

Not on that phone.

Well, I don't have my own.

Heather!

Oh, everything's my fault! Uh, Mom?

Kevin?

I'm proud of you, Mom.

Well, I'm proud of you too, son.

No, you're not.

It's my report card. Oh, Kevin.

Yes?

Five Ds and a C? What happened?

I don't know.

I mean, you've never been a

straight A student, and that's

okay, but you've always

managed to get at least one

B, sometimes two Bs.

Or not two Bs.

Well, I hope you got that

out of your system, young

man, because your father is going to

be absolutely furious.

You think so?

I mean, you think so?

Is this the Owen's residence?

Uh-huh.

And I take it you're one of them?

Uh-huh.

Is there someone here who

speaks English?

Can I help you? Good afternoon.

I'm Mr.

Belvedere. Are you Mrs. Owens?

Uh-huh.

And the family consists of you,

one husband and three children?

Yes.

Nothing in the oven?

What?

Well, that should suit me just fine.

What? Congratulations, Mrs.

Owens.

I'm your new housekeeper.

Strix on the china, never met

her before, who cares?

When you drop, kick your

jacket, as you came through

the door, no one blared

But sometimes things get

turned around and no one spared

All hands look out below,

there's a change in the status quo.

Gonna need all the help that

we can get.

According to our new arrival,

life is more than mere survival.

We just might live the good life, yeah.

Uh, pardon me, Mr.

uh... That's Belvedere, Lynn Belvedere.

When?

That's a girl's name.

Wesley.

Wesley?

A difficult birth, I take it.

Mr. Belvedere, did the agency

send you over?

Is there something wrong?

No, no, no, no.

It's just that I wasn't

expecting someone like you.

No one ever expects someone like me.

Yes, well, regardless, before

I hire anybody I have to

make sure that they have

certain qualifications.

Yes.

I mean, uh, do you know

anything about cooking?

Cooking?

Isn't that where you put raw

things over fire until they

get hot and you eat them?

Yes, I've done that.

Good.

I assume you'll want references.

Oh, yes, of course.

Uh-huh.

I, uh, I take it this is

the Winston Churchill? Yes, ma'am.

Yes.

Well, I can't call him.

Well, this is all fine, but

there's house cleaning, laundry,

and what about the children?

Well, as far as I'm

concerned, they can stay.

Providing they behave themselves.

Well, I'm very sorry, but I

can't make a decision until

my husband comes home.

I can wait.

I really don't know when

that's gonna be.

He'll be home in 20 minutes.

Thank you, Kevin.

Mr. Belvedere, I, uh, I have

to see to dinner, uh, and my homework.

So why don't you just sit

down and make yourself comfortable?

Where?

Oh, kids, how many times have

I told you that the couch is

not a closet?

Now take these things upstairs

and do something with them.

Oh, uh, Mr. Belvedere, can I

get you something?

Oh, no, no, no.

This popcorn will be plenty.

That's boiling over. Thank you.

Oh, some Billy called.

I was here.

Yeah, he said something about

needing an answer.

Oh.

He's in my algebra class.

He needs lots of answers. He's stupid.

Oh, really?

Hey, whatcha doin'?

Oh, just straightening up a bit.

Yeah, well we don't go in

for that sort of stuff around here.

Huh.

So you, uh, didn't find

anything, did you? Such as?

Nothing.

I mean, I just lost Inky's ball.

Inky?

Is he the black sheep of the family?

No, he's a hamster.

I'm taking real good care of him.

Bravo.

Yeah, because if I show how

I can be responsible, they

say I can have a dog.

I had a mongoose once had to

get rid of him my friends

couldn't bring their

cobras over I'm home hey

where's my high big boy kiss

I haven't even been hired

Who are you?

Belvedere, Lynn Belvedere. I'm George.

You're late, George. Hi, honey.

Hi.

Have you met Mr. Belvedere yet?

Yeah, I think so.

He's applied to be our housekeeper.

That's funny.

Well, I told him

that I couldn't make a

decision until we both

had a chance to discuss it. Oh, good.

Not today.

The thing is, my wife and I

are looking for somebody a

little more, uh...

Mediocre?

Yeah, right.

I'm sorry to hear that.

Well, them's the breaks.

Yep, them sure is.

Please say goodbye to the

children for me.

Oh, I will.

I hope you find someone more

to your liking.

Careful you don't freeze your

buns out there.

I'll remember that.

Yes, I hope you have a warm

coat in the car.

I'm afraid I don't you don't

have a coat. I don't have a

car public transportation

Deposited me at your charming

shopping mall.

I am bold the remainder of the distance

That's five miles from here.

Well so long

Goodbye

George you can't just let him

go like that. He'll be okay.

He'll freeze out there

He might make somebody a nice

lawn ornament.

Just go get him, okay? All right.

All right.

So, do we dress for dinner? Oh, George.

Mr. Belvedere and I were just

discussing entrapment.

Great.

Speaking of which, it's still

snowing outside.

Oh, dear.

Well, how was everybody's dinner?

A very distinctive casserole, Mrs.

Owens.

Yeah, it's tuna.

Really?

Pretty good, huh?

Oh, it's delicious.

And whose idea was the

crushed potato chips on top?

Mine.

Oh, out of marshmallows?

I'm gonna check the weather again.

Um, can I be excused?

Uh, yeah, me too.

I'm gonna go feed my hamster now.

Yeah, just clear the table

first and you finish your milk.

Perhaps I'll check the weather.

Don't bother, there's still a

blizzard out there.

How do ya?

Well, I guess I'd better go

make up the guest room.

Looks like you'll be spending

the night.

I certainly hate to impose.

Worse yourself.

Uh, Dad? Yeah, buddy?

It's my grades.

Oh?

I don't believe this.

This is absolutely the worst

report card you've ever

brought into this house. I know.

A D in wood shop.

How the hell do you expect

to get into college with

grades like these?

You wanna go through what I

went through?

Breaking your back trying to

get somewhere?

No sir. Well you better straighten up

junior

or one day you'll wake up on

the wrong end of a wheelbarrow.

So I guess this kinda

Blows our deal, huh? What deal?

You know, you said if I kept

up my grades,

I could get my driver's license.

Oh, right.

Well, you certainly don't deserve it.

I certainly don't.

But with your mother at

school and me so busy now,

we're going to need someone to drive.

What?

So you can get your license.

Just get those grades up, you hear me?

Happy motoring. Here, Inky.

Here, Inky.

Inky?

Can I help you?

Is that you, Mr. Belvedere?

Yes, Wesley.

Hey, what you doing?

Just a little relaxation

technique I learned from a

Himalayan yogi.

I'm like, boo-boo.

Regardless.

I take it Master Inky is

among the missing. Yeah, so?

So, did he escape just now?

Well, not just now. Oh, today?

No.

Since the last autumnal equinox?

He's been gone for three weeks.

I see.

Then who's been eating all

that lettuce?

I have.

It's been a nightmare.

Pretending to feed him,

pretending to play with him.

I even took an empty box to

school one day for show and tell.

Yes, living a lie can be exhausting.

I'm just scared Dad's gonna

find him dead in his shoe.

Or his shorts.

Or where he hides his

Playboys or something.

I'm never gonna get a dog.

Well Wesley, I think if you

tell your parents what has

happened, what you've been through,

I feel certain they'll understand.

And get me a dog?

No.

But they're overrated anyway.

Now, scoot.

Well I guess I could tell

them I'm going to the mall with Angela.

Hey, maybe the three of us

could go, you know, see a

movie or something.

I'm not chickening out.

I want to be alone with you.

Yeah.

See you tomorrow. Bye, Billy.

Rates cheaper off to midnight?

Oh, my God, Mr.

Belvedere. I just had to call a friend.

It's none of my business. Right, right.

Well, good night. Be careful.

Huh? Going upstairs, getting into

bed, be careful.

It can be treacherous in the dark.

Yeah, sure, thanks.

Ha ha, that must be Kevin.

Kevin?

Oh, hello Mr. Belvedere, nice

to see you.

Everything all right? Oh, fine.

Fine.

Going my way? Yes, sir.

Thank you.

Well, getting acquainted with

the feel of the wheel?

Yes. Yes, I am.

You must be looking quite

forward to the open road.

Boy, and how?

Well, I'm sure you'll make a

fine driver.

No, I won't.

I mean, I can't even leave a

room without bumping into something.

How am I supposed to drive a car?

I'm gonna run over a nun.

I just know it. Kevin.

Kevin, that's ridiculous.

I can't drive.

Kevin, what's the problem?

I told you.

You can master this machine.

No, I can't.

It must be something else.

No, it mustn't.

Kevin, why won't you drive?

Because it doesn't stop there.

I mean, I get my license.

The next thing you know, I'm

buying gas.

True.

I mean, you heard my father.

I've got all these

new responsibilities.

Before I know it, I'll be married.

Three kids, second mortgage,

talking to some insurance guy

about term versus whole life.

Bit of a brooding lad, aren't we?

I just don't want to grow up.

Well, neither do I.

But I'm pretty much reconcile

myself to it

Really just between you and me.

I still allow myself 15

minutes of childish behavior

every day whether I need it or not

Roadrunner cartoons

Guess I did get a little

carried away, huh a little

By the way contrary to

popular belief bad grades

don't necessarily stunt your growth

Oh, no, my grades weren't so bad.

I forged my report card,

changed all my B's to D's.

Except the one in Woodshop,

that was authentic.

Good night, Kevin.

Good night, Mr.

Belvedere. Oh, thanks for the lift.

Good morning.

Morning. What's all this?

It's called breakfast.

Just my way of thanking you

for your family's hospitality.

Thank you.

Hey, what smells so good?

Oh, it's you.

Good morning, George. Sleep well?

Like a log. No kidding.

Bacon and biscuits are in the

warmer, scotch eggs in the

oven should be ready in about

five minutes.

Hi, Mom. Hi, Mom.

Hey, Mr.

Belvedere. Good morning, children.

Good morning, Wesley.

What's going on, Mr.

Belvedere? Actually,

I'm hitting the road now.

Where are you going?

I'm not sure.

I've always wanted to see Terre Haute.

Don't ask me why.

Well, be good, everyone.

Look, Belvedere,

it's nothing personal, okay?

It's just with the two of us

gone so much, we need more

than just someone to cook and clean.

I mean, we need someone who

can relate to the kids.

Yes, I certainly see your point.

Oh, by the way, Kevin has

changed his grades.

Downward. I'd ask him why.

Heather doesn't want to go

all the way to Billy's house.

and Wesley I think Wesley

would prefer a dog to this

rather dusty but durable

creature thank you for sharing

him with me well goodbye mr.

Belvedere Mr.

Belvedere!

Did I miss something?

I don't think we both did.

Hey, you can't leave.

Oh?

It's gonna start snowing any minute.

Wesley, it's perfectly

beautiful outside.

It's always like that before

the acid rain starts.

Wesley.

Mom, you can't let him leave.

Well, honey, your father has

made his decision.

Hey!

Actually, it does look a bit

hazardous out, in a clear sort of way.

George, poor Mr.

Belvedere should wait until we're sure

it's safe.

I don't care.

So you want to stay or what?

Wesley?

Yeah, I'll take it upstairs.

Well, breakfast must be ready by now.

Mr. Belvedere, would you care

to join us? Thank you.

You sure you made enough scotch eggs?

Oddly enough, I made one extra.

Just one.

An American journal.

The Odyssey continues.

I find fate has deposited me

with the Owens family, a

somewhat provincial household in

the suburbs of Pittsburgh.

Although the individual members

seem well-intentioned enough,

they do seem a bit out of touch

with one another, but with a

certain amount of patience and

direction, I'm sure I can

whip them into shape.

even George they're damn lucky

to have me

You