Original subtitles

What?

What? What?

Guys, let's cooperate, okay?

We have a very special guest with us today. His name is Ken Alder, and he's a

graduate student in film and anthropology.

Okay? Mr. Alder is working on a very important project he'd like to share

us. Thank you, Mr. Andreessen.

Now, I'm sure you cats are all familiar with documentary filmmaking, the fine

art of capturing real life on film.

That's what I do for a living.

Well, not really a living, actually, but anyway, that's what I do. I think

you'll find the project I'm working on now extremely relevant. I'm calling it

Generation in Crisis, and it's about you.

That's right, it's about you, people your age, teenagers.

That's cool.

But this film is not about achievement -oriented, academically successful young

people like yourself.

Frankly, it's about so -called problem teens.

Losers, dead -end kids, dirtbag, call them what you will. So what I want to

is, does anyone here know any kids like that?

Hey, Beaver, check this out.

Throughout the history of man, there is one common problem plaguing each and

every race. Where are the drums?

Natural -born losers.

Yeah, and the guitars and stuff.

Roaming predators and gorging themselves on life.

Maybe this is rap.

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, man.

It's missing something, though. Yeah.

It doesn't rhyme.

He needs to bust a move or something.

Yeah.

He needs to take off those damn glasses, too.

No, wait, but he needs them to see.

Did you ever think of that?

Whoa, hey, but that's your Uncle Jack.

No, it's not.

Yeah, it is.

Hey, Jack, how's it going?

Not him. No, it wasn't Viva.

He's a lot fatter than that. Yeah, yeah, it must have been him, because he was

coming out of, like, one of those, uh, naked places.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah. I think that was him.

Did he say prostitute?

I think he said prostitute. No, he didn't. He was talking about, you know,

substitute teacher.

Oh, yeah. Kojak!

Um, so, uh, what was I saying? Uh, you said something about Kojak. Oh, yeah,

yeah.

They should have, like, a prostitute teacher.

Yeah. They could get your mom to come in.

Oh, yeah.

She's a slut.

Hey,

buddy, check it out. Flemmy. That's a chick from White Zombie.

Yeah, that is Flemmy.

What's he doing in the video?

He's Flemmy.

He can walk into any damn video he wants.

Oh, yeah.

That's probably because he ruled.

Hey, look, Butt -Head. Someone's hassling your Uncle Jack. Yeah. He's not

supposed to be in a bar.

He gets all drunk and gets in a fight.

And then he calls up. Yeah.

He's up.

Hey, Butt -Head.

You think you could come down here?

Yeah.

Next time he does that, we should go.

Yeah.

Yes. Yes. Perfect.

Golden. Don't lose it, fellas. Don't lose it, fellas. Hey, Butt -Head. Check

this out.

I am the great Cornholio.

I come from Lake Titicaca.

Titicaca, Titicaca.

That's cool.

Excellent.

I am a genius.

Quick, Dave, roll sound. I don't want to miss a thing.

Please, just forget the camera and be yourselves.

Okay, so you said this is where you guys hang out.

So, what do you do?

Uh... Come on, do something.

Like what?

I don't know.

Engage in some antisocial behavior or something.

Uh, this sucks.

Let's get out of here.

Yeah, yeah. Stop!

You can't! My film!

Wait.

Here's five bucks.

Yeah!

Cool. Great.

Will you just do something?

Whoa, I'm talking about the beavers and the butthead coming right back.

any American town.

Hardworking men and women go about their daily lives, raising families, pursuing

the American dream.

Where are the children?

Where are the young people who constitute this nation's future?

You're a wuss.

No way, butt munch, you're a wuss.

No way, you're a wuss. No way. We'll call them Stephen and Bernard, although

those are not in fact their real names.

In the wealthiest and most scientifically advanced nation the world

seen, they lead an existence devoid of meaning and barren of intellectual

content.

It's flat.

It's flat.

And it's dead.

It's so cool.

Their primary influences seem to be a steady diet of bland television and

mindless, heavy metal music.

What's a good wiener? Oh, you are, too.

Yeah. Oh, yeah.

But that's different.

What's different about it?

It's a different wiener.

Yeah.

It's probably bigger, too.

Oh, yeah.

Whoa, check it out.

I'd like to try peeing on a snail sometimes.

That'd be cool, yeah.

You want to pee on a snail?

Yeah, it's like, I'd like to pee anywhere outside, but, you know, I just

like, you know, peeing on a snail, you know, that'd be something different.

How about peeing in the toilet?

Oh, yeah.

Haven't done that in a while.

Check it out, a wolf.

Really?

I'd like to try peeing on a wolf sometime.

That'd be cool.

Viva, if you tried to pee on a wolf, he would bite your wiener off.

Oh, yeah.

I'd like to try maybe peeing on one of these guys sometime, you know, like

they're asleep.

Yeah.

You must get tired of peeing on yourself all the time.

Shut up, buddy.

You know, I was like, you know, talking about peeing on a wolf and stuff.

Uh -huh.

I wasn't really going to do it, you know.

It's like, you know, it like helps to talk about it.

Tempting though it may be, it is not for the documentary filmmaker to pass

judgment on his subject.

Let us hear from Stephen and Bernard in their own words.

In a word, Stephen, what is your raison d 'etre?

Um, it's in my pants.

Where do you picture yourself in ten years?

Uh... You

know, the 21st century marketplace you're going to enter will be a global

electronic village. How are you preparing yourself for what's bound to

complex and challenging world?

Uh... You said enter.

There's no censorship of any kind. This is an independent documentary film with

a generous grant from our friends at the Exco Corporation.

Censorship is cool.

Yeah, censorship is cool. Yeah. I like when they put those black boxes on

people's thingies. Yeah, like somebody's talking and then they say...

We used to meet every Thursday, Thursday, Thursday in the afternoon.

No.

These

guys

are going to get their asses kicked for like making a bunch of noise on this

dude's arm.

Groove.

Groove.

A dog.

And if you look off to your right, there'll be a barn.

A barn.

You think they're gonna close the barn door?

Yeah.

That reminds me of this joke.

There was this traveling salesman that, like, went to this farmer's house.

And then his car broke down.

And so, like, the farmer wanted to do it with his daughter.

But he told him not to.

And then he had all these eggs. And then he, like, did it with the farmer's

daughter.